I Don't get it...I just didn't get it... I notice something that was missing from my social life...I just couldn't get a finger on it.**********************Well i know now!! It's a slow process once again. Because it's a lot to take in...BUT that doesn't mean that i will be down or depress while trying to learn all this social/dating knowledge. **************************I learn something really important, this month....There people of get it and there is people who dont get it. What i mean by that. Well in the dating reality and somewhat in the real reality...It's not good giving up yourself, you're Confidence and you're self respect. For the approval of anybody. Because that's all you have AND if you give that away...What else do you have? Nothing! And that's where the sad thought's happen and where depression will follow if you keep this up. Because the reality of it is...In social culture, there are rules to everything, there are ways of communicating when you want to attract someone, there are ways of communicating if you want to be known, Get a job, Be succesful!! and ect... ***************************************************** You can't be happy, if you keep on thinking of sad or negative thoughts. sounds really easy! But it's harder then you think. I guess it's more like not moving on or being bitter. Not realising what the true reality of it is. I guess you hold on, because that is you're comfort zone...You're "ahh" in the couch feeling... But how long can you hold on to that? eventually you will hear you're friends say all the things that have done....You will understand, eventually that you have to move on, from those old memories.******************************Another thing i have to work on, is patience...I need to learn self control. I can't let my emotions get out of control and sound/look like a little kid jumping around when i get exited! I need to learn to be cool, during those moments, that are embarrassing, on a date, when you like someone, when you're in a interview, ect...you know where im going with this. But all this come too is...I need to have more control of my emotions and not let it take over me like it has in the past. I need to control it!! Because i can't be a mess, when i have a problem...There is a way to everything and a learn from everything...I a'm getting tired of having all this get to me! I am getting tired of looking like pushover, I am getting tired of living my life, in a not so happy way, while everybody is enjoying theres. I can't let my emotions get the best of me!! I need to set some time for them and not let them take over at worst possible time. Like work or at a club or party.*************************I learn this important , saying that i think everybody that is sad, should concrete it on there head!!!************"Don't be the rock, Be the water"***************If you dont get it...What it means is...When a rock in the river hit's something it stops it movement and it just stands still. But the water; when it encounters the rock, it find a way of going around it and it just keeps moving.*****************I think that's how society in a way. I mean....If you're going to be the rock, you are only making you're life harder and also why would you stop?**********If you're like water, you will figure out a way around it and will keep on moving forward. But also remember what you learn on you're way forward to make you not hit that rock as much....I hope this helps to some people out there. lol**************There is also one thing i notice, Speak up!!! If you think you should say something, why dont you go ahead and say it!! Listen to you're gut feeling, it has more power then you think. *********I want to change, I wan't to make those adjustments to clear my head from this clutter i already have. I wan't to start thinking straight and do what my full potential is supposed to do.

It seems like everything i am watching/hearing. Is not what i used to hear and see...It doesnt longer appeal me or more like; i dont hear the samethings, i once heard in my head. I am trying to concentrate on listening and keep a conversation going without sounding like a little kid for attention or giving up my respect to make everything ok. I cannot do that. Because, that is not working. hasnt been for a while, but i just haven't been clear headed enough to realize it. But now, i am seeing things in another light. with another sense of learning things. I want to keep it up and see where my life would lead. I want to just take things in my opinion, instead of saying what i think sounded good, without paying much attention how the outcomes are going to infect me after. that was me.****************************** But not anymore, because, all this bad things that are happening to me, has opening my eyes and have gave me a new perspective in life and in the way i see things. I know im a little late in coming out of the box of depression...No!! not the coming out of the box in a gay way!*************** But i feel like i am a late bloomer, when it comes to getting my head straight, seeing straight and thinking straight. It's not going to be easy...But i have to do it!! and not curl up in a ball and start thinking negative things or start sounding bitter....Just relax and think stuff thru AND i will be ok. Thanks God

I dont know why? I get frozen up, this dazed out feeling where i have this look in my face. I know not everyone could tell what's happening. It's like this head in the cloud feeling i have. I leave this place...And think about what i feel it's important in my life. Which about 90% of the time, when i really think about it...It's a bunch of dumbshit. it's irrelevant in my life. Because of this i have lost great moments or what could of been memories. All lost, When i really think about it. It's all in my head. All of this. Nobody really goes thru it like this. I mean i am smarter then this! I know i can combat these bad thought's and zone out faces. I'm not dumb! I mean, i feel like all this is has been a big lesson. all of this...I have progress so much, got some solid fundamentals down to stand on. Because, if...i think...I wouldn't of learn all this and gone thru all this bad stuff that has been going with me over the last 5-6 yrs. All of this has made me who i am today. All of this is one hard ass lesson i took. All this sadness and depression, crying myself thru the new year, to let go of the past that some how always seem to hoover around like a something under the radar(My ex). My crazy ass beating i got, when i was jogging. All those staples in my head(16 staples)(Is getting me pissed just talking about it). My i thought you where my friend, But you're sleeping with my HS sweetheart. Things...Has hurt me a lot. Just to name a few.********************** All that stuff and more has had me blindfully wondering what the hell is wrong with me and some...Asking questions all the time, Taking me to this world of a lot more questions then answers....It has taken me sometime to get a hold of all those important answer that really matter. Like for example" Who you're true friends are", "What's really important to you", "What would you tolerate" and stuff like that....I feel like i am in a better place, with all this stuff. It's been a long time, since i can remember...Not even completing a sentence, Just being depress in my room and just feeling like sHlt. It's been a long time!! 6 yrs of this non sense!! AND really...I am getting tired of it!!! I don't want to waste anymore time! Because i have wasted to much time already!!! Oh how have i wasted time!!! I can't even count how many time, I could of change my life to a better one...If i just would of change my attitude and stop being depress!! I could of had badass time!! But no.....i wasn't doing that. I was bummed out...And when i look at it in social culture, i was just bitter at things. Well that's how i am looking at it now...***************************** I don't want to be sad anymore, well not if it's legit. I don't want to be second guessing anything anymore! I don't want say to myself I should say something or act nervous if i like someone!!! I mean I am getting tired of it!! I can remember, thinking the samething in High school, I was tired of going no where...So i did something about it and i got my diploma and got a job. I know, I am special! All my life, i have plan out my goal and i have always gave 110% and have accomplish it. I am getting tired of having this disease...That's the only way i can call it. It has taken 6 yrs of my life. I want to have it removed from my body,my health and my mind. Please God Take me to my path

I just learn...What i've been doing wrong. I see it all over my head. i can recap every moment when i showed some kind of weekness or wuss like behavior. I can recount many times when i did that. Actually the last 4-5 years i can recount when i became a wuss! I CAN recount a lot of the events, just closing my eyes i can see all the stuff AND that pisses me off everytime i think about or envision a time when i did something like that.**************************************************** Because i woke up about a day ago. From all this depress wimp like manor. That just get my blood going! When i think about the dumb times i have wasted. I has taken time for me to realize this. I have taken time for myself, well...that and i dont have a car right now because it's in the tow yard. But I just learn this stuff from yesterday and it has open my eyes! it has taken me to a different type of thinking. I get txt from my "friends"...they way they talk to me or txt me...is like a way of being bossed around or ordered around. I got pissed because this is the way i have potrayed myself in life. I get me pissed...Because that was me. That's no longer me, thanks to this awakening i just got. I thank god that i learn this!! Because i couldnt live with my life if i was still trying to figure out that question that has haunted me for the last year. I even had the thought of killing myself if this was to continue for some years more. I just thank god that i learn this! I want per-mentally have this installed in my head! because i want to have this knowledge that i learn in my head for the rest of my life. I haven't hang out with the people normally hang out with, but that's ok...Because i am thinking a lot right now. Thinking all this stuff thru, getting my head straight and learning what i am doing wrong. No more sounding like a wuss or acting like a wuss. I have a lot to think about, but i know if i can figure this out i will be in a happier place. Because i think it's time to grow up and grow some balls. But i need to remember what my attitude is, because i can't be a totalk dick, just because, I'm trying to ditch my pushover image.********************************I know can do it, i just need to think stuff thru and realize things for what they are! I need to see things straight in the eye and think stuff thru straight. Please god help me with this! I will learn this as much as i could!! But i need you god to help me keep this in my head and learn from here now on. Please! Thank You.

I just dont get it! I just dont get it! it has taken me a long ass time! to learn what i just learn today. reading some article in some web site. That thing has change my whole view, open my eyes to what im doing wrong in perspective! right there in writing. For me to understand in plain english.********************************** 1. I knew i was coming of to people as a push over. I didnt feel confident. i knew something was wrong. I couldn't quite get a finger on it. But i had that feeling. But reading some article about "what girls hate about single guys". Yeah i know, i read self help dating guides. But its been a while since, I've been on the dating scene. So give me a break! Well one of things i read in the article was "Giving Up Your Status In Exchange For Her Attention And Approval" that hit me like a bus. I automatically could relate to that! when i read on, I also understood what was going on when i acted like this. I knew something was wrong when i left after "trying" to hit on her. but i always left with that feeling. i couldnt quite understand that. But after reading the article i notice the social damage it would do to me.+++++++++++++ I also read this, hope this helps with what im talking about>>>>>>>>>>>>Men, in effect, say "Hi, I want your approval and attention. I'm willing to let YOU be the one who's in control... and let YOU call the shots... and do anything to please YOU... if you'll give me your attention and approval". But the problem is that women DON'T WANT you to give up your status and "manliness". Women aren't ATTRACTED to men who act weak and tentative. Women secretly HATE IT when a guy does something to demonstrate that he'll give away his power in return for approval. ++++++++++++++Yeah i know, It's about dating but...This is how the dating world really is!!! This is how people like me kill chances to date a girl they like. *************************Depression will do that to you. I mean, i lost my head and had to rebuild from the bottom up. I dont know why i lost it?? I mean.....I loss it. I had to learn from trusting friends to learning how to socialize and understand how conversations should be. I mean, i feel like i was learning again. It's stupid to talk about it. I feel angry that i did lose it! AND i feel pissed off to know that it took so long to know what i know now. I could of done more stuff with my life, Had more fun and just had a good time. But instead i decided to position my self in the cacoon type manner and cried my self to sleep, thinking that the other guy she left me with is f* the * out of her. Which was true. So for some reason i decided to think about it for a long ass time and hold on to the memories. Well thinking about it so much i started to question myself "what was the reason we broke up?" so i started to question myself, thinking what i did wrong?, thinking,thinking...And before you know it, i became really insecure(It's a lot more complicated then that. But that's what happen) and i ended up being like that for 5 yrs!!! ***************************************And here i am, I am feeling better, then last year. I feel more grounded then ever. I feel like i need to change my life.Because the directions is going...I'm not liking it. I think i gave of some kind of wuss like image. I feel like that's the only reason right now, why i feel depress. Well, more like anxious to understand. Because i have mad insecurities!! AND I think it's time to put an end to all those insecurities, once and for all! I am tired of all this sad thoughts! I need to make this dramastic change. Because i act like this all the time. I need to change...Starting as of right now.

Yeah, Why not. I'm aware that i am writing a lot of entry journals! Especially if it's on a saturday night. In LA. I'm not doing anything just here at home. I just cameback from hollywood. it was ok, but i felt quiet and somewhat with a bummed feeling. I need to snap out of it. I need to plant my foundation on where i stand in life. No more having that feeling of being lost or wondering around. I want to start looking at life straight in the eye!! Without the feeling of being lost or just sounding like wuss(push over). I need to start to understand but, not get lost in it. You are smarter then this!!! It's true. No bull aside. You're gut(Guardian angel) has helped you a lot! and you know you are going to have a good time to come... Just need sometime to yourself and figure this stuff out. I just want to be successful...Don't forget what you have done, you have stuff to back you up. You have had good jobs, when you really concentrate on something. You have had, good money, where you could buy what you want to, anytime you want too. Just think. You don't have you're car right now, just started off on a rocky start, when you move back home. So it's ok, that you feel somewhat down. But used this time, to think stuff thru, all the old memories i have had that only brought me down, need to go away or need to be amend! So start thinking in a positive way. I think you will figure out the rest.

I don't know why?? But i have this mental block. That is preventing me right now, to enjoy simple things. Yesterday was a awesome day. No need to fall back on being sad or bummed. Yeah, ok i think, there is a reason to it for this weekend. Because i dont have a car right now and i know i can't spend that much money. I have limits right now...and i can't do anything about it.**********That is one thing that is bothering me right now. Another is my mistakes that i am doing in my social life and dating scene. I need to learn quick and stop opening my mouth with out much thought in to what i say. I think i say to much or i am messing things up. But whatever it is, i hope i get the troubles out of my way!! and just keep moving towards the "what feels right". Just go!! I need to stop going back to the negetive thinking, at the first sign of something, that you think you did wrong. Yeah!! You are going to do wrong!! and you know what! yeah!! you are going to feel bad or stupid about it. because you have never done that before!! its you're first time experienced it. So get it out you're system and start to learn and move on and that way you go beyond you're everyday things. Instead of dwelling on you're "ahh man, i f uped!!" "Ahh...Damn i need to learn this! I can't really function if i don't learn this"....Blah, Blah,blah! You see where im going this! Just go on you're day like it's any other day. But enjoy.********************************************** I'm not a bad person or bad looking guy! lol I know i can, have a nice life and have a good wife, when im ready. But to even get there, i need to start thinking more differently!! I need to start thinking with less negetive thoughts ans start with some fresh starts!

it doesnt really have to be like that...You have the power to change...You're life doesnt seem stable the way you want it. You dont feel comfortable the way you would like too. Why do you feel like that? There really shouldnt be a reason!! Really.*****************It should better. After you're last journal, that open your eyes! It made you realise that you should enjoy you're life with a good attitude. Why should you feel sad, when you really look back at the day. You can't recount any bad moments, that really if you think about it...It's not a legit reason to ruin that whole event or experiences. Like really think about it!!*****************You have the power to better your life and really just lived it to the fullest!! All you have to do is Listen and just think it thru and pay attention!! Don't let any details un notice, when it comes to reason. Keep working out and just doing what you like! and always remember that there is no reason why you can't do anything!! Why? Because there is no why! that's why. But learn what you are learning. Because you dont want to committ the same mistakes. But you will be ok! Just listen and open you're eyes. be aware and awake AND im sure things will figure out themself and you will be in a better state of mind and find what you are looking for when it comes to love.************************I mean my love life has beem ok, at a steady pace(for once). But i keep getting lead on, for the girls weekend entertainment. lol that what i have been. All i want is, somebody that i can chill with and just do fun stuff with out some much of the calling all the time thing. I like my own time. I like my alone time. But, so far it looks like i am being led on.****************The thing that sucks is that...I havent been on the dating scene since HS, so i dont have the slightest clue on the dating scene; All this is new to me...I havent tried since then after the break up and the really bad depression i had. Now I'm trying to get back there and just live my life as i think i should. With a open mind and a optimistic heart. That learns from his mistakes and spot the warning signs that sometimes life can avoid, do much better with out....So now i go and wonder out, See what i learn and what i experience thru my road. Go out there with a open mind with the level headed perspective that you do so well and go ahead and take on the world!

4:06 pm***** I dont know? I find myself trying to find some kind of solid ground to stay in. Right now, for the last couple of days. i have found my self trying to find common ground where i can stay stable. I havent found one yet. I find myself searching around for something that makes sense to me. Which is somewhat irritating and somewhat exiting!! Irritating because i know i keep messing up! and the part that is exiting is the part where i know i will learn this stuff and without a cinch i will get this. Like that part in the matrix, where neo finally see's everything clearly. you know that part! im talking about. haha. But seriously, i need to find something in my head. I feel like im walking down the right path. But that * is taking way to long!!! and taking me thru to many bumps on the road. I want to learn how to be happy in my love life.********************* I think i am good with having coversations in general. i think that with some more practice, ill be ok. But my love life is not so good. I always have these up and downs mood swings, that kill my chances all the time. Just like these couple of days have been messing with my head. I just want to get over them and keep that happy vibe going.!! Fuck! i just want to think straight 4:51pm*****After smoking a J, i feel like a new sense of fresh air to me. LIKE WAKE THE HELL UP!! excuse my french. But stop thinking so freaking much. about everything. Just move on!!! You are one bitter ass mutha f er!! Why do u have so much bitterness, why dont you want to enjoy life and its happiness. Why must you hold on to so much! while all it takes is one thing to start the being of a whole new view of life!!! Why are you holding on to so much bitterness, why must you think in downer attitude, when in realty you should be enjoying yourself and just have a damn goodtime!! you're friends said that they "had badass time"... but when you go back to that time, you really didn't have a good time as much and you say to yourself. THAT ENOUGH reason for you too boast up your confidence?? I mean you have done that a lot!!! arent you tired of always hearing that?? yeah that * sucks!!! i hate the fact that i do that, but yet I am not doing anything towards it!! But F that shit!!! that has to end now!!! why should i be so worry about a lot of things? why should i hang out to bad memories that only F me up in the end? and still is? Why??? I SHOULDNT that why!!!! because that * is old already!!! period.************* Why? Just enjoy your life and just go away....Period. There you go, Just Go and Do.

I'm here, hanging out. Smoked a j after not smoking so much. I felt the need to do it. After all this thinking. To calm my nerve down. I look at the situation that i am in. After all these years of stupidness, Aloness and throw in depression. I look at how i present myself, in the eyes on everyone that knows me....I dont know... I think i come off as i shouldn't all these years of insecurities, has made me come off as weak person! ********************** Which i hate!! I'm tired of, being seen or having the feeling of that! I hate it!!! I think i need to change that!! I think that because of all these lost in my head times, I have shown that i am some kind of push over, that guy that people say, "Oh its ok, He's Marcos...You dont have much of a challenge" kind of guy! I mean i understand the reason for all this logic. Is because i have been a little bltch! for a long time. There is no lying in that. I am like those one songs that say in some part of the lyrics, at some point they "lost there head". I did!! So i had to learn how to crawl up depression and try to get my life in stable order where i could be more happy, instead of being sad or depress all the time. It's hard work, when you try to balance it all out and be at a happy healthy state of mind. I dont know where i was going with this....? lol But...I need a change. A new state of mind. Because all this oldness is not working. Well not to my likeing. I don't like where this is going. I need to jump of that band wagon and ride a new one to a new beginning. lol But seriously i need to change and i think i know what will help me thru this process. I need to work out that for sure. Like i did before. It always help me relieve my stress!! My knee feels better from the marathon. It's been to 2 weeks, but it feels like 3 weeks!! lol But i need to get back in to shape!! and i also need some alone time to think stuff thru. That will help me out in the long run!****************************I need to be know what my true feelings are, How i feel about myself and what i like and dont like, What i feel for and what i dont feel for, What make more sense to me and what doesnt make that much sense to me, ect... i think you know where im going with this. Just be me and i will feel confident in my self. That what confidence really means!! You know what you're preferences are, you know what you're good at and you're good at it, Yo know what you are capable of doing and dont feel that bummed down if you're not good at it. well i think that's what it means. But i know for sure. that i have to start moving, doing, and feeling stuff.

I'm trying to figure out...What the hell is wrong with me. I mean the worst from what i know...It's behind me. My past after all this time is behind me and that's what been bothering me all this time. I feel like i now have a grip on my past and see it for what it really is...My Past.*****************Now i guess im worrying about my love life. lol I want some one to keep me company and just hang out when i feel lonely (Yeah i know sounds kind of girly) lol So far i have been i guess...Making a fool out of me. Showing everything to everyone. Right away they will tell what kind of person i was before i even start talking to them....I would come of as a kid or just a pushover. That was tipi-cal me. Always being the push over, always losing the girl, always just feeling like * in the end of it all...always asking myself what the hell happen?********************I know now, that i have been a push over like its nobody business. Why because i didnt know where i was!! i was to busy trying to figure out what my morals where, who i was. Im tired of thinking what the hell is important in my life. I think i have a good idea now and that's good enough to move forward with... I want to take life from the horns and just ride that * and see where it goes. I'm tired of trying to figure out stuff, over and over again. Of * i already now!! I have to move forward from here on. No longer just staying in this stage of my life. This is the part where i move forward. I just need to learn patience!!! That is killing me right now!! I need to learn how to be patient and see things for what they really are. I need to stay level grounded when it comes to matters of the heart. I'm sure if i stay level grounded i will be better off. So now, the challenge starts!!!

I've been reading a lot of different stuff online. Reading some stuff that will bring some clearity in my life. I came across some stuff here and there and no matter how much i read it. I will remember it like the back of my hand...and on some other days...I will forget what the hell i read!! It's very fustrating, for the fact that i forget what the hell i read. *********************** I am feeling happier than ever...I can honestly say that i have a better outlook in life then i did before...Which is a good thing. I let go of this girl, that only gave me the run around and only made my feelings and thought feel uncomfurtable. But i was learning when i was talking to her. I didnt get anywhere with her, I was just learning how to get back in the dating scene. So i missed up a lot!! lol I was to stupid to even know what i was doing. i was learning from my friend. You could say he was my "coach" lol ************************** But to what i was saying!! I always jump back to being that desperate, Somewhat Clingy attutide. I always do that!! I always forget that. It took me a long time to figure that out. I have been f ing up bigtime on that. I always put a girls feelings or a girl for that matter first. Always had my heart on my sleves first and somewhat trying to get a girls approval....(Yeah i know! this is not a dating advice web site. But it's what im thinking right now!!)************************ I never really put my needs first!! Or what do i want to do! What do i feel like doing? and * like that. I always thought...What am i going to do, to get this girl. What am i going to do??? and stuff like that. But i always would wear my heart on my sleeves and exposed or show who i am to soon!!!********************** Never really of a challenge when i really think about it. So i would be all fustrated, Feel all sad...Think to my self."What the hell happen? Why can't i find somebody? I feel soooo horrible!!!" I didn't know?? It would kill me. Because i wanted to find somebody AND in today's dating world this is just A NO, NO!!!! I always put them first. NEVER me first. So i guess...Reading all these articles and learning thru life experiences. I could honestly say that...I have been F ing up!! I haven't been a man, I haven't been a challenge, I haven't grown up. I mean i haven't had a dad to actually to tell things. Tell me how to grow up and be a MAN!! I'm doing it all by myself. Which is hard stuff....********************************But that's besides the point....From now on. I will put my self first. Be more of a challenge, Try to see things for what they are(Instead of seeing things how i want to see them). Im just tired of now knowing this, when i clearly read it and i understand it. I need to staple this to my head!! I know i can do this!! Just need to remind myself and not let my emotions get the best of me AND by doing that. I know i will have a clear mind to think a little better. I guess im just tired of not metting that "special girl". I mean, i know it will come in time. But...I want to enjoy my single youth and learn from that. I dont want to be a single guy not enjoying my single life. Which is...I think what i am doing. So i have to change.

It's crazy how things change when you are smaller...When you are younger. All you need is a simple smile and something really sweet, say some really nice things and just be there for her and that is the start of relationship. ******************************************************** But when you're a little older...When you reach you're mid 20's and late 30's. You find yourself no longer doing the samethings...No longer does giving a rose or saying nice compliments mean that much anymore(well not in the begging, now a day's). I guess...It's all those bumps in life that change us and make's it harder for people to be compatible or just make attraction towards each other. Now's people play games. "The Game" It's no longer just being nice and just having a good time and see's where it goes. Like i was brought up too...No! Now's there are guide lines you have to know and techniques that you have to oblige by. You can't expose yourself or just be yourself. There are way's of approching people....*************************** Just to even get someone of the opposite sex keep a conversation going. It is very confusing stuff if you ask me. The whole game plays that people do, I like him, But i can't show that i like him. I don't want to show that i am to available for him. He is not exiting enough, He doesnt look confident enough and plus you have other competition waiting in line, if you screw up you're chance.******************* I mean this is very confusing stuff!! What is a guy to do sometimes? Especially if he has no one to give him help but himself and his anxious mind. A man can get fustrated! or even worse not even try. Which i think is the worst thing you could do (In my opinion).************************** You contantly let rejection get the best of you and you ask yourself...."what the hell did i do wrong?" He will haunt himself w/ desperation. I mean why wouldnt he? he really like this girl. ************************************************************************************* * Now, the way in to a women heart is to...not let her know that you are attracted to her right away, Don't give her that much attention right away. Act as of you dont really care much," the kick back approach, play it cool approach". I guess the way i was brought up is to old already. I am outdated i guess. The role is nice guy is a little out of date. I mean acourse there is people of the opposite sex that still like that! but i still havent seen a single one that isnt with somebody.**************************************************** people that act to nice, only find themself being push around or feel confused or even worse, the feeling of beeing used. ****************************************************************************** It's very confusing stuff, i have been out of the dating scene or anything for a matter of fact for a very long time! I have lost w/ depression for as long as i can remember the good times... Yes it is very confusing to learn what today's dating scene "the game" is all about. But i will learn it! lol Because I dont want to be that, guy that doesnt have anybody, while all the other guys have somebody, The guy that is a loner or is scared or timid(This especially doesnt help!!). I am learning, it gives me headaches sometime learning all this! But slowly i am learning and understanding this. I got to learn! I dont know if any i said made any sense....But it makes perfect sense in the dating single world. lol Now i have to learn.

I am forever grateful for all the things that god has given to me. If it wasnt for him...I would never learn,Be where i am...I always remember something that makes me, thank him for what i have. I am always learning. Always grateful. I'm not where i want to be...But I am grateful to even be this far in my life. I thank you God!! Please let me go farther then where i am now! This is no time to stop, Because i am not satisfied where i am now. I need to move forward! And learn as i go. This * is hard. But no road to recovery is every easy i guess....It's better to learn thru the road ahead. Instead to just get there and not learn anything at all...I guess that makes sense. lol ********************************** I've been thru a lot. But still there is no end to all of it. I feel really ready to be happy, or to have some piece of mind. I just need to really focus and realise what im not doing right. I feel so close!! I can almost taste it!!! I want to taste it!!! I want to open my eyes and stop day dreaming all the time. Get my emotions in order!! learn the core of all my emotional down falls. I know i can do it! if i really just concentrate and think hard. I need to act fast!! from the mistakes i am learning. I dont just want to think about it!! I want to act on it!! I need to make the last steps!!!!!!!! I need to make the last steps!!!! Only then i will wake up from this bad dream! i have been for so long. It has taken me for the ride of my life so far. But it's something that i had to learn the hard way and for this i am grateful!! Because if it wasnt for this, I would not have this optimistic attitude(finally!!!) i have now. Everything i can think of, i say "why the hell not!" I guess, limiting myself is not an option anymore.********************** I can't let anything bring me down anymore. To much of that, i have done....I need to learn from my past mistakes and do something from my mistakes. No more, just keep doing the same mistakes and saying my the hell is * happening or just be sad about it. Thank you god for letting me open my eyes. to something that could be great. I will look and try my very best to do something about it!! But w/ your help god i would make great things.********************Trust me god!! I will make the necessary things i need to make to me and you happy! I will do what it takes. ************************************Please god, help me thru my bad times and my good times. Show me the way to a healthier heart. Im tired of making the same mistakes or going thru loop type of emotions. I'm just not going there anymore. Thank You!

It didn't get it for a while...I didn't make that much of sense, for a while. I was lost...More like confused on what to do...Because it's been a long time since I actually....really go after somebody and show the otherside of my feelings. Express myself and Show the other side of me. It's not everyday i say that.... &&&&&******&&&&&&&&******&&&&&& I didn't spill my guts out. But i think...In my honest opinion. I act like wuss...Trying to act...Like a wuss...That's how i can explain it!! I dont want to do that anymore!! Ever again after that! (((((*****&&&)))))) I have dont that to many times already. I'm Tired of wairing my heart on sleeves and letting it be really expose. It doesnt work like that anymore. Wearing my heart on my sleeve, Only exposes me...And makes me seem weird. I show to much of myself to soon. Or i come of to uncomfurtable Nice. ************************** That has to end now!!! I cant keep on acting like that. I CAN NOT!! Yesterday i've seen some * that open my eyes. Almost like a light bulb turn on...So i decided to be bummed out .....Out of nowhere. I learn something. What i'm i doing wrong. What the hells wrong...I got a visual perpective....and i can say that. I am not going to do that again.!! **************I need to work out!! I havent worked out since...Weds? I'm still injured from the marathon. But i want to work out sooooo! Badly!!!!!! haha....It clears my head. Makes me think straight and clear....I have been pigging out on food lately...Suck that when i eat. I gain the weight really fast. I want to work out and start thinking clearly and different!!! I need to move foward again. Change what i have to change. What works and what doesnt work....and change the...what didnt work things. But whatever it is...I need to take different direction...feel what i have to feel. See what i have to see And like what i have to like....But diffenetly experience what i have to experience.************ But i have to go foward.

Well Hello Again! Im here again...Well it's been a crazy weekend...I ran my first Marathon this sunday!! It was crazy!! I did the whole marathon which was like 26.2 miles. I never in my life run so much. It was a new experience for me...Something that i will remember for the rest of my life. I felt like giving up, i was tired, i was hurting, and i was feeling light headed. But I DID IT!! i've seen so many people, struggling like i was...In the last 10 miles of the race. But i couldnt stop! I had to finish what i started. I've seen so many people with that mentality and it hit me. Almost brought me to tears(Which i wasnt trying to show). On going to the finish line. i was thinking to my self...Everything i have done, Has been by myself...w/ the help of no one, But my determination. I mean my mom, is there for me...But she is always working and doesnt have time for me a lot of the times. I think she feels bad about that...But i learn that...Even though she is not there to chear me on(Like I've seen many runners families) That doesnt matter....She has already set the platform for me to achieve my goals. If it wasnt for her i would of never experience things that i do now...And also******************************** If i can run a marathon w/ only 1 1/2 of training(which isnt a lot of training to run 26 miles) I can do a lot of things! It motivation for me and is something i will remember for a lot of years to come or may be for my entire life. ************************************************************************************* ********* Another note....I need to work on my family! my brother isnt doing so good! He is doing really bad. Pretty much loser material! I need to do something and act fast! Because i can't have my brother being a loser. My mom has worked to hard to have him fail. Acourse my brother hasnt seen her struggle like i did. I grew up watching her struggle w/ bills, Working in sweat shops and divorce. But my brother hasnt seen anything like that. So i feel like he is taking advantage of what is given to him. Doesnt help to have a baby at 17...I will help my mom, because i guess...I need too! I mean i dont want to deal with this stuff!! I just want to enjoy life and find someone special for me. But...I cant let that happen...I cant let my brother ruin his life. Because he is a idiot!! HE doesnt know any better. He is still little AND i can't let his life crumble in to something bad. God please help me, with this and also finding some what of happiness...Help me find my happiness. THANK YOU

I lose the balance in the thigh ropes. When i feel better i want to some good time with you. **********

I feel like i just let go of something...Something that has been hanging on to me like a black cloud that hovers over me. It was following me day and night, Day by day...From thought to thought...Just wouldnt go away. But i dont know if it was yesterday or sometime this week. But i feel that is gone. I got the monkey of my back. It was holding on like i was a paracite.

 all my happy emotions away and just leaving a dried up, depress soul. ********************************* Yesterday I've seen what i guess i needed to see...I heard what i needed to hear, And i felt what i needed to feel....and what is the outcome of all this. A better outlook on my future and the thought of having a better life. ********************************** I learn that....Some people are not your friends,Some even not aquantances, and some people shouldn't even be in my life.

 It was something that bother the $%^ out of me...Killed me over night...Made me have headaches and be in disbelief. **********************************

 I took the steps for me to have a clear head. I stop smoking weed and just do what i like to do best. What makes me feel better at the end of the mentally and physically. I went jogging. I guess to clear my head and it feels good!!

But that's another thing.... ********************************** Yesterday, I've seen what i have to see. After all this ^&*(  and all the sad nights of thinking why is my ex gf is doing this and doing who. It all came down last night. I seen what i had to see, to make me understand....It hasnt been pretty for as long as i can remember. ********************************** I remember saying..."All of this is happening because of karma" Or something like that...My ex is not doing so well...I know because i've seen and heard what i had to see and hear. Yesterday....Was the last straw for her.Well for me to have any feelings about her. I cant have feelings for her! She has done me wrong! really wrong!! and i cant have feelings for her, because of that reason. ***************************

Yeah she has abusive bf (Which i have seen) and yeah she is%^&*9 the people i hang out with...So yeah...I cannot have any feelings about her. Only that i wish her well...Goodbye! Farewell, Adios!! She picked that guy, she decided to ^&*9 my "friends". So i am not going to go out of my way to stand up for her, when her man is a  %^&8. Is not my battle anymore. Plus after all that she has done! I wouldnt do it!! That is to much! i would be stupid to stand up for her. ***************************

It's her life. I have my own, Which has nothing to do with her, It took 5 years to understand that i have life and that i have something to offer! to smile about, to look foward too, And most importantly to live!!

I'm driving by myself and i think to myself! What the hell is wrong with me?? Like what is missing in my life? why cant i achieve some sort of happiness? What the hell is holding me back? i can't look at happiness in the face for not more than 30 minutes..........

It doesnt seem fair! I got my new car! Which i was really looking forward too! My first new car! and when i finally got it! a few days earlier my stupid numbness came back! and i was back to square back. I have the oppoortunity to have somewhat of a smile in my face. But all these demons keep holding me back!! Why can't i be happy, Have a confident attitude or Believe in myself. I always go back....I dont want to go back anymore!! I'm not that bad!! I mean i've been thru some sh(t!! it's not fair. Why do i think about my ex?? She sleeps with almost my friends? she left me for some other dude and she is even cheating on the other guy, with my friends.... I shouldnt care!!!! I SHOULDNT CARE.... ***************

 I got my $%67  beat up, got my head busted open! and left for almost dead!! was feeling like dirt. Hit the lowest of the low. Just thinking that someone(s) did that to me....I hope...I dont know anymore...? Because i feel like god is not listening to me.  **************

I lost it, Like i literally lost it. You know when people say they lost it or when you hear any song talk about break up's? Saying all this depressing stuff and saying they lost it? Like this one song. " You have this look in your face, like you have seen a ghost" That's how i was for a few years. I lost it.... To depress to do anything...To even answer the phone,To talk, To smile, I just lost it. Wasted 4 yrs of my life to this stupif ^&*9 and still i get weird feelings when i see my ex, w/ my *so call aquaintances/friends ****************************

Everything is going right! But not with me....Not with me....What the hell is going on?? Damn!!!!! It's just not fair!!! My love life is crap right now. Because i have this zone out expression sometimes. Because my mind is going 7 different places at once! I can't stop it!! I hate it!!! It's not fair to me anymore. I always thought that you have to go thru all the bad stuff before you actually enjoy. Well... What the hell is happening to me? I am tired of being alone, I am tired of being sad, I am just tired...

I dont want to live like this anymore!! I hate it!! I want to look up and say i am happy! I want to smile and just laugh at how great i am feeling! It's just not fair...

It sucks when you hear your friends in his friends car, call my ex gf bestfriend. to tell my ex to tell her to "kick it" tonight. When she said no...(because i was there...i think?)

 But then he says to her that...Ok (to my ex gf bff) that...ok...Tell her that...My friends wants to do crazy things to her.... 

 I heard that in the back seat just listening....

I dont want to make a scene. I dont want to show that i have some kind of feeling about her. Because she is a &*() ! I heard it from alot of people...Left and right. So i need to understand that!!!

She is ^&*(  that gives it up to every guy that hits on her....IT %^&8  HUrts!!!!

Because you grew up with her as your HS Sweetheart!  Even thinking about it!  its stupid! Because...It just is!! Yes! I know i sound like a nut job!!!

:P but honestly i want forget this girl!! I have seen enough!! Because every is going to * her! eventualy and * happens.

But you know what it's not my problem...SO I BEG to god. Please let me, get this person out of my head. Because once again(For the 100th time) It doesnt go with who i am now! You are enter in another chapter in your life.

Which has nothing to do with who you where some time ago. Please.... Good Bye! Ruby Tuesday!!! Good Bye!!! Please. And help my family! God!

BECAUSE WE!! ARE YOUR FRIIIEENDS!! YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN!! WELL... COME OOONN!!, WELL!! COME OOON!!!- Justice vs Simian

I just heard this song lyrics for the first time and I could automatically relate to this song...I can relate because it feels like its going thru....What I'm going thru. We are you're friends!! You will never feel Alone again....Reminds me of...Me trying to pull away from these bad memories...that have out last it expiration date. Being sad...Being Lost...Not expressing one's self...Being that shy guy...Being that push over, that doesn't show any sense of self worth...A little kid trying to find his way home... 

 That part in my life is gone with...I can compute w/ that anymore. lol It doesnt feel right anymore...Doesnt go with the way, I am thinking now. Changes need to be made!! Changes that where already in working in the back scene.

 All this headaches that you have had in the past. All the Cries and Feeling of Loliness, Battered Soul you feel sometimes. Has Made you who you are! All that!! Has done all the finishing touches for you to open the door and you dont have a reason to let anything stop you!!!WELL!!! COME OOOON!!! WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS!! YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE AGAAAINN!! this is what this song means to me.

From there on! You are on your on...But it's something extrodinary different! It's the next chapter of your life. Well...Come....OOONN!!