Hi everyone, its been quite a while it seems since I was online. Sorry about that.  I found out about 3 weeks ago that the problems with my thyroid were cancerous. I'm having surgery one week from today; I've been very pre-occupied. I'm not real scared; I'm kinda angry. As soon as my mental problems start to show hopeful signs of possible recovery then this happens. I have alot of faith in my God so I'm not real scared; it'll all work out.

Whats odd is the family that are coming out of the woodwork to support me; where were they during the trauma of my mental illness. I dont want it to sound like I dont appreciate their support for this because I do. I'm working very hard in my little community to shed light on the stigma of mental illness. I'm recieving my 'peer to peer counseliing' certicate this evening from NAMI. 

It seems like its been awhile since I've written; I seem to have lost myself 'in a funk.' Cant say anything is really wrong; just dont feel up to par. I started reading a few journals, commented on some, but started getting a headache, so I am going to go lay down. It could be my thyroid thing acting up....I have to remember not everything I feel is related to being bipolar. You all take care, Jan

Thanks to all of you who have been so supportive of me since I've come to RMH, and welcome to all the 'newbies' out there. Welcome!

I went to the pharmacy and got my ativan for sleep that I missed last night and ran into a friend while getting a fountain soda at the convience store. We went to lunch at the 'golden arches' and I ran into another friend. I ended up going to my friends house and then met ny other friend at the cinema. I saw the new release, Star Trek- good movie, lots of action!

Got home so tired from a full day and a sleepless night last night. It feels good to be tired for a good reason.  What a glorious day!

 

Sorry I haven't read your journals the last couple of days. With this fluid retention,the doctor just giving me water pills/diuretics to release the fluid, the increasing shortness of breath and then tonight I ran out of my Ativan for sleep. I woke up short of breath and anxious. Am kinda scared; I'm to have a 'cardiac  stress test' next Wednesday.How will I fall asleep tonite? Its only 2 AM. Was tired and fatigued all day. I truly believe this is all due the growth and underactivity of my thyroid. I have another ultrasound of my thyroid in a few weeks to be followed up by a surgeon in the middle of June. Its all so complicated, and I'm so tired.

 

Like I've said before I tend to isolate alot. I am not lonely generally speaking, however I would like to have a close, intimate relationship, to share the company of a man--not only for sex either.  My sister and I laugh; we say "...he'd have to just show up at my front door.." b/c I not get out much. There's a man that I just met recently in this class I'm taking as a peer to peer counseling through NAMI. Come to find out he is a member at my church. Oddly enough he sits behind where me & my friends always sit; I've never noticed him before a few weeks ago.  We've talked a few times and have met under some other funny circumstances. Who else but God what set us up where we've met outside church and this class. It feels nice to get excited about someone who is a nice person, who has his life going in the right direction. You know, nothing may  come of it; but its nice thinking that something might. 

 

I seem to have alot of physical agitation/ excess physical energy. I've been cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, moping. All kinds of things that I generally feel too overwhelmed to do. I start one project, not quite finish it and then start another one. Its the name of the bipolar game, I guess. Its too odd; yesterday I was feeling down, vunerable, & fatigued. Today is like I'm manic. I don't get it. Am so tired of feeling things all the time.

 I've read alot of your journals and commented on some of them; I want to thank all you who have been a great support to me. You all are wonderful, and I'm so glad I stumbled onto this website. Life is good, manic/ depressed, but good. Thanks for all your support!  

Hey everyone, for the first time in about 6 weeks I'm going through a 'depressive episode.' Its not like I'm crying all the time or wanting to die, but its still a shock to my system b/c I've been feeling so good for so long now. Because of this new med I've been on, recovery was no longer a thing that was unattainable to me; its not like I thought I'd won over the depression either. But when it hits, I'm just like, "wow!" Like I said, this mood is not  as bad as its been in the past, but it still takes some adjusting. I have no appetite, have needed more sleep the last couple of days, and have been more tearful, more fatigued, more vunerable.

I have a friend who is suffering from major clinical depression; we became fast friends when we met. She's been a great support to me and vice-versa. But today I just couldn't stand the constant complaining that something is wrong when she know's what is wrong but has just has a huge case of denial. She will take her meds, not always as prescribed, feel better, get off her meds and wonder why she feels bad and will search for any answer-anything other than being real with self and her diagnosis. I take pride in being a  great support to her, but today, it was like 'enough whining already-just take your meds." It seems I have a low tolerance for the complaining when she wont take an active part in her recovery. 

I apologize for showing this ugly, intolerable side of myself. I'm just agitated. When talking to her today, she just drained me, she just literally zapped the energy right out of me. I wasn't rude, but she knew I wasn't going to be of any help to her today.  This too shall pass.  -Jan

I woke up gung-ho and wanted to accomplish something today. Even though its beautiful outside & I haven't been to the beach in months due to isolating, I decided to try and power clean my apartment. Its not filthy; its just full of clutter. Piles of clutter everywhere! I haven't even made it out of my bedroom. I get so easily side-tracked or I start hurting (fibromyalgia) and have to take a break. I've made no headway at all; it looks worse than when I started. I think only if I could clean up some of the clutter maybe my mind wouldn't be so full of cluttered thoughts. You know? If my landlady saw my apartment as is, I'd probably get kicked out. Its emabarrassing. It seems I cant complete anything these days. Oh well, tommorow's another day as Scarlet O'Hara would say (Gone With the Wind).  -Jan

Well, I went to the regular doc and she has doubled my Lasix/ water pill and given me referrel for a cardiovascular workup on my heart. She still thinks its probably my thryiod, but better safe than sorry I guess especially with the shortness of breath, no endurance or stamina ( & I'm not a smoker).  Mentally I 've been feeling so well for the last 4-6 weeks. I now feel like I want to get off some of the meds I take for the fibromyalgia pain and insomnia. But she said, regarding the array of meds I take "......you finally found the right combination. Dont think by taking something away you;ll feel better."  One of my soapbox issues is med compliance; I wont get off anyrthing without a doc's approval. But I swear, I rattle when I walk from all the meds.   -Jan

I've been feeling excessively tired, agitated and irritable for the last four or five days now. It has to do a couple of reasons. First my thryoid is all out of whack and I've been retaining alot of fluid-was put on a water pill/ diuretic last Saturday, by Monday not a whole lot of difference. I was still tired, short of breath, and retaining fluid. So I called my doc and she increased the dosage for three days and then I see her tomorrow.

The other thing is for those of you who know me, my toxic ex boyfriend has been out of jail for about 5 days and has been calling me at least twice a day waking me up in the morning or calling me and waking me from my afternoon nap, or calling late at night. I know he's checking to see if I'm wth anyone. Its all so crazy. I want him to stop; I dont want to call the police and have him go back to jail. His presence is impacting my mental health in such a negative way. I think I will quit anwering my phone or just have my number changed  and then I'll send him his watch, cell phone and wallet. I have no feelings for  him anymore, but I dont wish him any ill will either. Thanks for listening. -Jan

Hi everyone. I hope you all had a nice Mothers Day. I went to lunch with a friend and her mom; it was nice. While I've been feeling better due in part to the introduction of a new mood stabilizer Risperdal (Risperdone), I still have the tendency to isolate; I don't feel sad for the most part, but I feel like I should be getting out more than what I do. All kinds of fun things are going on here at the ocean this time of year. I've been trying to do activites that I missed out on last year; I can't believe I've been here almost 2 yrs in Nov. Anyway, I'll do what I feel like, and that's going to be the best I can do. All in good time.

This discussion leader, along with imonut, is a new thing for me. I hope to post new and thought provoking topics, or maybe just some nice, comforting things to ponder. Come check it out. Thank you, -Jan

jan48
S.W.A.T. Discussion Leader
Depression Message Board.

I had wanted to post a link to connect you directly to the Depression Message Boards from my journal entry, but I'm not too computer literate, and I'm having a difficult time. Please be patient while I get this worked out.  Thank you.

This is another I don't talk too much about: the last boyfriend I had for 3 yrs has been in jail for just over a year. He's being released today. This man is not healthy for me to be around; I know we're toxic together. He has stolen from me and there has been some emotional/ mental abuse. I know its easy to say just walk away-fast.! But I do care for him; I want to see the good in him. I believe he cares for me but has a narcissistic personality. He's been calling from jail like up to 5 times a day. Its alittle too much. I read about this somatic & cerebral narcissist online and he fits this one profile to a tee. I have so much support from friends & family to not  pursue this relationship; leaving him over a year ago was like coming out of the dark. Life single & alone is not easy but I've grown to the point where its not so bad. I'm comfortable and I have faith I wont be single all of my days.  Its just going to be a tough day, thats all.   Thank you,  -Jan

I just wanted to write a little bit; I've been on the go for the last 2 days and I've got a meeting in an hour so off I go again. I plan on catching up on things tonight. Got so much to do dont quite know where to start; lol. I'm pretty good at multi-tasking so we'll see just how much I can get done. I can start all kinds of things; finishing them is the real challenge.  I was in W@#$%&T getting my meds yesterday; what a horrific expercience,. I think they turn up the heat in there everytime they see me coming.  When my 25 minute order took over an hour and still wasn't done, I was fuming; I really think people could see steam coming out of my ears.      My face was red, I was sweating, and my back and legs were really hurting. Its so inexpensive to go there, but if I can find another pharmacy that will match my med prices, I'm going to transfer my stuff there. I've been threatning to do that for months now. It sure would cause me less stress if I did go somewhere else and that's priceless.

Hope all you all are doing ok; will check on your journals tonight.  Be well, -Jan

I guess I'm manic; with this new med the line between being depressed or manic is much more subtle now. I just went to the movies, and I saw a commercial for another digitally animated movie called "Up." I'm wowed by the clarity and brilliance of the colors. I even mentioned it to my friend, she just said, 'yeah.' She wasn't following me. I didn't get a drink or popcorn b/c I just didn't want it; then after about 30 minutes or so I started noticing the multitude of scents from the popcorn and other food in the theartre (the theatre was packed). So off I went to the snack bar. I just make note of this b/c my senses are so heightened. Driving home from my pdoc appt yesterday, I was noticing all the beautfiul colors of the trees. (I live in the lush pacific northwest).  All the dark, forest greens, the lemon-lime color of some of the other trees. I was thinking, 'wow, if I could just paint.' I have got to get to cleaning up the clutter of my back bedroom so I can find all my arts & crafts stuff. Maybe I can paint, who knows? LOL . By the way, my doc increased my Risperdol from 2 mg to 3 mg, and I see her in a month. I noticed my driving was pretty reckless; it made me even kind of scared at times.      I'm feeling better the last few weeks, so I bought 2 new outfits from Fashion Bug; they had a really good sale on clothes; buy a shirt and get the pants or shorts for 75% off. So I got a pair of shoes, and 2 new outfits for less than $90.00. I'm sure it was a manic purchase.       But since putting on about 20 lbs over the last year I really dont have much to wear. And it was a good sale. Anything to justify my purchase, huh.  LOL                 

Hey guys, Sorry I haven't been on here too much lately. I read journals this am and made a note on a few message boards. This afternoon I was getting agitated, ancy, in pain, and then realized I didn't take my am meds until @ 2:30 this afternoon-- not a good thing.    Anyway I've been feeling good. Even some of my friends say I've got a look in my eyes that says I feel good. I teased and said it was just the makeup.  In addition to going to church & bible study with more regularity, I started a peer to peer counseling class (one night a week/ for 2 hours/ for 9 weeks)  Then I'll be certified by NAMI (Nat'l Alliance on Mentally Ill) to facilitate my own support group. I'm excited about this! For the first time since my diagnosis with bipolar in 2005, I feel like recovery may be in sight. I pray that this is the deal! I haven't had the feelings of despair and deep depression and I haven't been off the charts manic oh for maybe a week or two.  I'm kind of right in the middle.   I'm excited about helping others and living my life for other interests,  for the other things I am besides the all consuming bipolar, my meds, and my symptoms.  I'm a great photographer, a decent writer, a loving & encouraging mom, and a good friend. Sure would like to be someone's honeybaby though. LOL.      Am off to see the pdoc tomorrow. Taking Risperdal everyday instead of 'as needed' has been a blessing to me.  Maybe I'm just manic and recovery is still a dream. Things/ life  just feel different this time around. Recovery is something I just thought was out of touch for me after all the trials & tribulations of so many different meds over the years. I'll talk to my doc about it  tomorrow.  Blessings to all,  -Jan             &nb sp; p.s. As I read this entry I think maybe I'm just manic; it sure sounds that way.

Just wanted to share something I picked and thought some would find helpful: I sure needed to hear this today.

Recovery is an ongoing, daily process. No one can manage an illness as well as the one living it.

Everyday give yourself credit for having the courage to manage the necessary changes in your life.

Acknowledge that this process is hard.

The changes you may have to make and the changes to your external life you may have to accept are the necessary price for living well.

Celebrating successes you claim, learning from any setback and refusing guilt or frustration about mistakes are all part of the recovery process.

NAMI (National Alliance of Mentally Ill)

Still isolating alot. Went to church last night. I'm so thankful for my friends there. I feel so much better when I get dressed, maybe wear some jewlery, put on make-up or cologne. This is a rare event. I dont understand; if I know I feel better getting out & about why is it so hard for me to do just that? Whether I'm manic or depressed, I isolate. I rarely have enough energy to keep up on my housework, it's embarrassing. I just want to cry, but I don't. This is not how I want to live my life. And it's not as easy as just saying, " get up & go."  I know I'm my worst enemy; I know I'm in my own way. I'm so dissappointed when I wake up in the morning. I go back to the psych doc this week; have been on the Risperdal 2 mg for about a week. Have seen no change. I made an attempt to read & respond to alot of your journal entries. Welcome to all the 'newbies.'  Welcome. Dont really feel like talking about myself, though. Wasn't even going to make an entry for today. What an incomplete, sad way to live. I dont' want pity or sympathy; just want to vent. Thank you.

I'm so sad today. I don't talk about this at all, but I'm going to break down. My only kid, my son, has been in jail since he was 19 for doing something really stupid. He wasn't in an accident; he didn't hurt, rob, or kill anyone. It has to do with drugs. Anyway he was supposed to get out of jail in May, then it got bumped back to September; know he has to stay for another year and won't get out until May 2010. He'll be 25. All he tells me is they told him he has an arrogent attitude; he thinks he's better than everyone else in there.  He has made awesome strides while being locked up; he's become a Christian, he lost about 80 lbs, he works out & run/walks up to 10 miles a day, goes to NA (narcotics anonymous), and church 3 times a week. He's organized Halloween parties in there, and always scores high on the tests in his cognitive behavioral therapy class. It's this class that is a requirement for release; its a 9 mos class. Its in this class where they told him he has an attitude problem. I so want to be mad at God; I'm not going to, but I am mad just at the situation I suppose. How can he be a respecptible member of society if he spends 6 yrs of his early life in jail. I know he needs to 'pay' for his crime, but I just dont get it.  On a side note, I thought he had ADHD in the 4th grade and his teachers said it not that but a behavioral problem. Now in prison, they thought he might have ADD. I'm worried he may be bipolar like me and just not getting the help he needs so he's getting more time.   I'm really fragile right now. He didn't want to tell me because he's worried about whose going to take care of me.    In tears, Jan

Am manic-y. Ancy. It's hard for me to sit still; I haven't been here for a few days. I have read all your entries for today, and I've tried to comment, but I'm afraid of saying the wrong/ insensitive/ rude thing.  Hats off to all who have had the strength to journal by being vunerable enough to put yourself out there.  Am anxious and my thoughts are dis-jointed. Not making any sense. Thank God for this web site! Gotta go. -Jan