I can love you like that by John Michael Mongomery...ohh so sweet.I was on myspace listening to music and this song came on. Finally something that triggered a good memory. Years ago when I Bry and I first started dating Bry cited the entire lyrics of this song like a poem. I led a very sherltered life so I thought it was a poem he wrote. He laughed and said no no. We listened to the song together and it became 'our song'. It was also the song we danced to at our wedding. I still get teary eyed every time I hear it. But their good tears.
   

Hello Again. I'm so sorry I havent been here for awhile. I found a great site called www.bipolarconnect.com. Its like this site but has so much more, like articles and info bout bipolar and other mental illnesses. I'm gonna try to do better at maintaining both of my sites. Here are my last few posts to catch up. They were all written in December and early January.

12/16/09
Ok, so its happened again. I guess I forgot a few doses. I was so busy helping my sister with her move to NY. (we made up. yay!) Anyway, the day after her flight I was like 'oops'. I started taking my pills again but I guess it was too late. I started to notice things. Like I couldnt stay off the computer. I didnt want to sleep. The major one was the spending. I'm not supposed to spend any money online. Its been an issue with us before so we agreed on this rule. I've been sticking to it very well for months but all of a sudden there I was buying stupid things. (One good note though: In the past I've always attempted or thought seriously about suicide. I dont know why my mind always goes in that direction when I'm manic but it does. Anyways, after a couple of days I told my husband he should lock up all the pills again because I thought I might be manic. So he did. He only left me with 3 days worth of my meds.) That night I was very stupid once again. I for some strange reason thought I would be all passed the manic if I took extra medication. So, that night I took 1 exra Lamictal and 1 extra Seroquel. Omg. That was a huge mistake. The next day I was so dizzy I couldnt even walk. And I ended up sleeping 18 hours straight. When I woke up my husband went out to get us some food. When he got back he rang the doorbell. I guess his hands were full. So I went to answer the door but I was still a little dizzy. I fell down and hit my head on the side of the end table. But dont worry, I got right back up and aswered the door. I told him I fell. He ignored me and started to eat. I was annoyed and asked if he even cared that I fell. I mean he didnt even ask if I was ok. He got mad and said "you're the dumbass that fell". I ,ofcourse, started to cry(geeze, I'm annoying when I'm manic!). I was going to storm out and go lay down but instead I fell down again and spilled the soda.My way too nice husband cleaned the mess and helped me to the bed. He even apolagized. Omg, I so do not deserve him. We watched tv a little then went to bed. He woke up early and went to work. I overslept and immediately went to the computer and spent more money. By the time my husband came home I was full of guilt. I confessed all the spending. I spent a little over $250 in my online spending. He got very upset. He screamed and yelled and punched a hole in the wall. This all shows how upset he was because Bry is not the type that raises his voice. A little bit later when we were both calm we hugged and he said it was ok, that it wasnt a lot of money. To me, that was a lot of money. But I wasnt going to object. The next day(which was yesterday) everthing was much better. I didnt feel an urge to shop (ofcouse it helped that Bry took my card). I had an apt with my primary doc. My thyroid test was a lot better. But now he wants me lose 10lbs by my next apt. Omg! I'm really scared. I hope I can do it. I'm feeling back to normal now. I just want to focus on my weight now. I'm going to make more use of my gym membership. And my husband just lost 30lbs. He wants me to go on the 3 hour diet. To me its kinda weird to be eating so much but I guess I'll give it a try.


12/19/2009


1/2/2010

So now we're caught up. Its been pretty crazy but I'm feeling really good now. And I'm on a diet, my thyroid level is better so hopefully things will get even better for me.
   

Wow. I dont even know where to begin. I just read all the comments from my last post. It seems everyone is extremely worried about me. But I want to assure everyone that I'm fine. I tend to only write on my bad days since this is my way of venting. Unfortunetly, this means that you dont get to see me on my good days, or at least on my ok days. Last couple weeks I feel ok..not at all suicidal and only slightly depressed. Yes, death has been on my mind lately, but not because I want to die. I DO NOT WANT TO DIE. But death seems to be all around me. I've had 4 suicide attemps, been baker acted 5 times. ( all this in only a little over 2 years) I think that gives me cause to be worried. Besides, the main reason death has been on my mind lately is because I've been reading this book: Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide by Kay Redfield Jamison. Its mostly statistics and the history of suicide. But it made my husband nervous so I stopped reading it. But after reading a few chapters this made me start thinking about whether or not I should have a will.
I'm still new to this whole being bipolar thing. I used to think I was like this because of my not so good childhood. But now, about 4 psychiatrists have told me that I'm polar. In these last 2 years I've been on a lot of medications and different doses such as: wellbutrin, paxil, xanax, depokote, topomax, and currently lamictal with seroquel xr. And I still dont think I've got it right yet.
I really really hate being bipolar. Almost immedietly I was labeled as 'crazy'. And this is by own family. I even had an aunt tell me that bipolar and all mental illnesses are not real. She told me I just need to talk it out with my Dad and then I'll be better. My husband seems to think that I just need to find the right meds and then I'll be cured forever. I hate changing meds all the time. I've gained 40 LBS since this whole thing started. Also,my last 2 suicide attempts were blamed on a bad med combo by all the docs involved.
And yes I know that my mood is all over the place. And I hate it everytime I lose control of them. Because then I have to apolagize and I feel really bad but cant change the past. So yes I know I'm a big mess right now but I'm trying to be as normal as I can. I dont think I need a babysitter( like my  close friends seem to think). I dont like taking my meds, seeing all these doctors, and going to therapy but I do it. I really am trying. I just feel like I'm being smothered by all my well-meaning friends. And I will continue to write because it makes me feel better. And most of all I really appreciate all the comments I receive. I dont always like what I read but I know I needed to hear it. So thank-you and thanks for letting me vent.

   

I've been thinking about this alot since I came out of the hospital this last time. I've had 4 suicide attempts so far. Sometimes I wonder if I will make it to 30. I dont really have money but I have a few material possessions. Mostly I am thinking about what they should do with my body. I've been thinking about it for awhile. This is what I want: I dont want a funeral. I want to be cremated. This will be a big issue with my family. I have a huge family. They tend to make a big deal about how things should be done. I dont want the talk(whats that called?) to be at a funeral home. I want it to be at church. Or if that cant be arranged then it should be at a family members house Then I want my ashes to be scattered in St. Augustine. That is where we went for our 4th anniversary. It was the last time that I was actually happy. Is it weird that have I these wishes?

Why cant I have 1 good day. Today was going great. Iwent to church , then to my parents' house for a barbecue. great day. mood very good. The on the way home my husband made a comment that lately I snore like a pig. I never used to snore but when I started lamictal I got nasal congestion as a side effect. It never went away. My husband normally wears ear plugs and we both sleep well. But today Bryan made the comment that I snore like a pig. He hurt my feelings. I got quiet like I usually do when my mood isnt good. He immediatly got mad and started yelling at me. 'your so sensitive, blah, blah, blah'. What did he expect? That I would like being called a pig. And then when I tried to explain that I wasnt mad but my feelings were hurt he wouldnt let me talk. He kept interrupting and yelling that I'm too sensitive and he doesnt kno why he bothers talking to me. Well I just stopped talking for the rest of the night. Why should I bother talking when he doesnt listen anyway. I cant show any emotion lately or he gets mad. Thats just going to make me even sadder. Its like he wont even try to understand bipolar disorder. I tried to tell him he should read one of the bipolar books we have. H e just got mad again. O some book isnt going to help him understand his own wife. Thats it- I give up. I should just never talk ever again. He;ll just take whatever I say the wrong way and twist it all around anyways. I feel like nobody understands me and nobody likes me. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

Well I just got out of the hospital yesterday after a week. I guess I shouldnt be surprised. Cutting myself shouldve been a major sign that I was going in a very bad direction. I have never cut myself before and could never quite understand why anyone would want to do that to themself.  But then one day I decided to do it just to see if I could. Stupid, I kno. I wasnt even depressed..just a passing whim. Well  the very next day another passing whim occured. My prescribed meds are locked up in my husbands safe. So instead I took everything in our medicine cabinet: cold meds, tylenol, aspirin, sleeping pills..eveything. It didnt take long for me to feel very sleepy. I layed down on the living room floor with my fave blanket and fell asleep. When my husband got home he tried to wake me. I got very scared and tried to get away from him. He asked me what I took but I couldnt answer him. He went to the trash and found all the packets. He said thats it were going to the hospital. I could barely walk..soo dizzy. When we got to the hospital he put me in a wheel chair. I could barely move. I could see and hear everything that was going on around me but I couldnt respond or move. They took me straight to the er. eventually I stopped being able to understand why they were giving me shots and forcing me to wear oxygen, etc. I started fighting the nurses as much as my body would allow. I kept taking off the oxygen and other items. Later I started throwing up but they wouldnt give me water. I was like this all night. I was very tired but wouldnt allow myself to go to sleep. I was afraid if I fell asleep I wouldnt wake up. Eventually they took me up to ICU. By the next day I was feeling more myself. I was in ICU for 2 days then moved to the behavior unit. Was there 3 days. I had same doc as last time. They said that they think the paxil shoved me into mania. I was upset at my psych doc. Wont see her again. 2nd time I'm in hospital cuz of meds she put me on. The hospital doc- docter o is going to br my doc now. He seems very knowledgeable. He is up to date on all the studies in his field. He upped my lamictal and my synthroid. He said normal thyroid level is around 4. I am at 16. May be why I gained so much weight so rapidly. He said he thinks I need to go to a special docter that specializes in this.
This is my 4th suicide attempt. Only a little over 2 months since my last one. I'm very worried. When will this stop??

I keep forgetting to write. Too tired, too lazy.
I've been a little off this week. Maybe manic?? I dont kno. I'm still getting used to this illness. Dont kno what to expect most days.
I find myself thinking of taking pills or cutting myself. I dont feel suicidal. I just want to do it to see what it feels like. Is that weird?
Another thing is the shopping urge is back really strong. I bought 6 computer games. I told my husband I bought two. Dont want to get him upset. And I still feel like its not enough. I want more.
The other thing thats off this week is I cant stop laughing. At anything. Last night my husband said ok, lets go to walgreens for some chocalate. I was like, yes! and i started laughing uncontrolligly(spelling?). And I mean not normal laughter but wicked whitch cackling type laughter. And then I started jumping up and down clapping. I've had lots of moments like that.
Oh and earlier this week I got mad at one of my bunnies because he sprayed me right in the face. That was disgusting. So I took him outside intent on 'freeing' him. Luckily my husband came home and saved Jesse.
I've just been having all these strange moments this week.

Wow. Its been a while. I havent really been on the computer lately. Anyhow. First I want to complain about my lamictal pill. Whoever designed it is a complete idiot. Who's great idea was it to make it diamond shaped. I nearly choke on it every time I take it. Geeze!
Other than that I've been doing pretty good lately. My moods been good lately (mostly). And my energy is getting better.
All the medical bills are starting to arrive from the hospital. My husband is starting to get upset with me again. I think I might have to get a job. I'm really scared. I havent had a job in nearly a year. But I think its time. Whew! I hope I can muster up the courage to face the world again.

Hey. So it seems I have'nt written in a while. I knew this would happen. I have the worst attention span. I wonder if anybody else has this problem. It seems every week almost I become obsessed with a particular project or activity. Then all of a sudden I lose interest and move on to something else. For example: after I got out of the hospital I became obsessed with painting. Thats all I wanted to do. After that it was a computer game called 'fashion solitaire'. Now this week its puzzles. I've done 3 already. Whew! What is wrong with me? Geeze.
Well, other than that I'm doing good. I think it was a good idea to add paxil to my other medications. I almost feel normal. And I'm remembering to take my medications every day on time. That helps too.
The only bad thing is that I got my period and its been raining a lot lately. That always affects my mood. Yesterday I had the worst migraine all day. Once again I was snapping at my husband. It doesnt help that he always makes stupid jokes when I have my period. Ugh! Men!
Oh, one other thing I wanted to mention. At therapy this week we talked a lot about my dad. This is really the 1st time I was able to talk about him without getting upset. My new therapist is really good. I love her. But she gave me  'homework'. I've never had a counselor give me homework before. She told me to write a letter to my dad writing all my feelings. That I've heard before. But for some reason I've never considered the next part but it makes perfect sense. She told me not to mail the letter or even to keep it. Instead she told me to tear it up. I think thats a good idea. But I've had 3 days and I just cant build up the courage to even write the letter. Even though I know he wont see the letter I'm still very nervous. I hate myself for this but after all these years I'm still afraid of my father. Maybe tomorro I'll try to write the letter.

Recall that I've been really depressed lately. I could'nt function. I didnt want to do anything or go anywhere. I was sleeping til 2 or 3 everyday. I was so tired all day, everyday. It was awful.
Luckily I had an apt with my psychologist. I told her how I was feeling. So, she added an anti-depressant to what I'm already taking(lamictal=200, seroquel xr=300). So, at first I wasnt too pleased to have to take yet another med. (I'm also taking synthroid for my thyroid.) But I've been on paxil two days and already I think my mood is better. Today  I actually woke up earlier, 12:30, which is good for me. I actually had energy all day.  I'm actually happy today. I saw Transformers2 with my husband and brother. I had a really good day for a change.
 The only problem is that the paxil is affecting my appetite. Yeterday all I ate wa half an english muffin for breakfast and 4 shrimps for dinner. Or maybe this is good. I definetly need to lose weight.
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               ;             

This is part of a Public Talk from my church:

Very helpful for anyone battling depression or trying to help someone suffering... When he got to the part on depression, he called up a brother who wears glasses to illustrate the point he was going to make. May I have your glasses? (Handed them over) I know you are short-sighted, but can you see the clock at the back? NO. Come, on try harder. (NO) Take another look, for I'm sure you can if you try. Think positive! Still NO. So he got his glasses back and sat down. Speaker: "Short sightedness is an inherited imperfection and no matter how hard I tried to motivate him, he can NOT see that distance. Depression is also a biomedical condition that will last until the new world, same as his short-sightedness. We cannot motivate people with depression by saying 'try harder!' or 'think positive!' but it doesn't change anything for them.  1 Thess 5:14 says: speak consolingly to the depressed souls, support the weak, be long-suffering toward ALL. Consolingly means soothingly. That is how to treat the many among us with depression or related invisible illnesses."

I haven't been well this week. I seem to be slipping back into my depression. I have been so tired lately. . not able to wake up until 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I haven't been like this in years. I find myself getting upset very easily. I burst into tears for the littlest things. I also seem to be snapping at my husband more and more. I'm lonely all the time, even when my husband is home. I used to know that I had a loving husband who would always be there for me. Now I'm not so sure. Just as everyone else in my life has abandoned me right when I need them most...  . I can feel the same thing happening with him. I dont know what I would do without him. I've never been on my own.
My parents have an extra bedroom now. But I dont know if I could ever be under the same room as my father ever again. Even if he's not drinking I still dont trust him.
Its hard for me to imagine Bry actually leaving me but his own words tell me that he would. I might not mind if it was because I cheated or something like that. But no, he cant handle the fact that I'm bipolar. And I dont think thats fair. Even my sister who was my best friend fo over 20 years has turned her back on me. I feel so alone. I can feel the bad thoughts starting to creep back in. I'm trying to fight them but I dont know if I can.

Yesterday I didnt write in my journal.  I was so tired. All I did was lay around all day. Thankfully I made myself get long enough to make dinner. That way my husband wouldn't be mad at me. I didnt eat any of it though. Made myself a sandwich. I just dont feel like doing anything lately. Didnt even go to church even though I know I should've. But sometimes I think God does'nt care about me. Why should he? I've tried to kill myself 3 times. I'm sure that made Him angry.
Anyhow, today I knew I couldnt just lay around. Last night my husband told me that he wants a wife that does 3 things: 1) makes dinner every night 2) keeps the house clean 3)gives him 'loving' whenever he wants to. All three of those are things I've been failing at for quite awhile. I'm so tired. All the time. But I made myself get out of bed today at around 2. Later than I wanted but at least I got up. Then I put pot roast in crockpot and cleaned the condo from top to bottom. I even cleaned the cat litter box and rabbit cage. I was exhauseted when I was finally done. And when he got home he didnt even notice. All he noticed was the meat cooking and a nice smell. I was mad. I was like ' well, dont you notice anything?' He was already heading out the door to go to the gym. But he turned around. He walked around and looked around. Then he said it looked nice. Okay, I'll accept that. Ofcourse theres no time to rest. I gotta go get the meat out of the crockpot. I'm gonna make his favorite: chimichangas. Its my favorite too. Maybe tomorro I can rest.

Dear Mind,
Someone gave me the real good idea to address my journal entries to 'dear God'. ...Okay. So ..how was my day??? I overslept as usual. Woke up at noon. The rushed over to my mother-in-law's house to do laundry. I was in a hurry because I had to be done by 4pm at the latest. It was ok. I was really hot. I mean this is Florida in June and I was wearing a long skirt with long sleeves. What was I thinking?? But I was out of clean clothes. We had'nt done laundry in two weeks. I dont really mind spending alot of time with my mother-in-law. I consider her my friend. But sometimes (dont mean to be rude) she talks too much. And lately I get annoyed easily. Could be because I'm so tired. And ofcourse she also takes Bryan's side. I'm sorry but I dont quite understand why he's so angry with me. I'm bipolar. Its a medical condition. Its not like I woke up one morning and said' I think I'll ruin Bryan's day by trying to kill myself'. no!! And why is always about him? He always thinks I'm trying to get back at him or something. I'm not. This is what  people dont get. I was perfectly fine for months, then one day I had a bad day and decided that the world would be  better without me in it. Simple as that. Sometimes I dont get it either. But the people around me are always blaming me and asking why? Why? why? How many times do I have to say I DONT KNOW!! I just felt like it. Geeze.
Omg! Totally went off there. Sorry. Anyhow, I did laundry then met my husband at home then we went to the gym. Thank God because I've gained so much weight thanks to the stupid depokote. Ugh! Afterwards we went grocery shopping and I didnt buy any sweets. Yay! Thats it for today. Bye!  

Okay so in my last post I spoke of my hospitalization after my 3rd (and hopefully final) suicide attempt. I was there Saturday May 2nd to Friday May 8th. I was free for four days. Four awful days. Let me explain. When I was out of the hospital I went to stay with my mother-in-law because my husband was angry with me. It was a very confusing four days because sometimes he was nice to me. He was the Bryan that I first married. And he kept asking me to come back home. But most of the time he was very angry. We argued a lot. He made me cry a lot. I was an emotional wreck. I didnt know if my marriage was over.

On Wednesday May 13th I had a pre-scheduled appointment with my therapist. I spoke to her honestly hoping that she could help me. Instead she baker acted me. I was in complete shock. I thought therapy was supposed to help me not lock me up. Any way, as soon as she told me what she was gonna do I started texting so people would know what was happening and wouldnt think I took off or something. I told everyone that I was going back to Manatee Memorial because thats what she told me. As soon as the policeman arrived he confiscated my phone. I had to ride in the back like a common criminal. I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd ever be in the back of a police car. The seats were hard and dirty. I did my best not to touch anything.then I looked out the window. It didnt take long before I realized that he wasnt taking me to Manatee Memorial Hospital. Oh God No! Pretty soon I was standing in front of Manatee Glens, my prison until yesterday.

I hated it there. I got there about noon. I had to wait in a very tiny room with lots of windows so they could watch me. The only thing in the room was two chairs. They brought me food. I dont know what it was. It looked like mush but tasted like chicken, maybe. There was no handle on the door, bars on the only window. No bathroom. I was trapped. I was in that tiny room until 6pm. Finally my real room was ready.

There was a plus. My aunt works there and she was on duty for the first two days that I was there. She was so nice to me. She bought me chocolate and sodas. She gave me her sweater since I was cold. She was nice and she was supportive. She and I had long talks. She is very spiritual so she reminded me that God will always love me. I felt a void on the days that she wasnt there.

I also made friends there. There was Sawyer the firefighter. She really shoulnt have been there. Her friends had her baker acted just because she was depressed one day and they knew she owned guns. There was also Marvin. He was there for anger management. He didnt seem angry to me, tho. He was the sweetest. He was just dealt a bad blow. Then there was William. Apparrantly his daughters grew up with Bryan. I've met them before briefly. I've never met him, though. Well, I guess he's Bipolar just like me. Thats what cost him his marriage 20 years ago. He's a very nice man , though. He's the same religion as me so he was a great asset. We talked a lot about God.

Even though I made a few friends there I still wasnt happy. I didnt like it there. It was so much stricter than Manatee Memorial. The door to our rooms locked automatically behind us. We were'nt allowed to keep them open. So anytime we had to use the bathroom or get something we had to get one of the techs to open the door. Sometimes they were too busy and we'd have to wait. We had to attend meetings 3 times a day which were really boring. The only one I liked was the art one. That one was only twice a week, though. It was just so annoying being there. Especially since I felt I didnt belong there this time.

The days were long. The longer I was there the more depressed I got. It didnt help that Bryan didnt call me for three days. Then he finally came to visit me on Saturday and we spent the entire visit fighting. On top of that all the meds had me so tired and listless. Yesterday was a very long day. I woke up at 1:30 am because my roomate felldown. She is an alcoholic. She is in a wheelchair and not so steady on her feet. Although, she insists she doesnt need the wheelchair. Anyhow she fell down in the bathroom so I went to get help. Then I went back to sleep. We got woken back up at 6am for vitals. After vitals is breakfast. Everyone lines up and gets their tray. After a little while I notice that everyone is eating except for Donna(my roomate). So I ask her if she wanted me to get her tray. She said yes. So I go to get it and then one of the techs is suddenly there snapping at me. 'What'll you think your doing? You cant do that.' I told him I was just getting Donnas food since she didnt have it yet. 'well, you cant do that.'he snapped again. so i go back in. by this time I was very upset. I wait a little while but then decide enough is enough. I start to approach the nurses station The same tech from before yells at me again. Tells me I cant go near the nurses station. It takes all the courage I can muster but I tell him I want to speak to the head nurse and it was important. He's like the head nurse is busy you can talk to her. and he points to med nurse. Another patient was sitting right in front of her so I thought maybe she was busy, too. I was about to ask if she was busy when he snapped'well, i thought you were gonna talk to her.' so I moved forward. I dont know why that Tony guy has to be so mean. I didnt do anything bad. Anyways I told the nurse that I wanted to leave. She starts to ramble on saying that I cant do that even though the baker act has now expired and I'm under voluntary. She starts to dismiss me and I'm like no way. I'm not stupid( note:if i'm talking back like this then you know I'm really frustrated). I have been in places like this enough times to know the rules. There's a form I can sign stating that I feel I am ready to leave. My doctor will then have 24 hours to decide if it is safe for me to go.She looked less than pleased but she got the form and we both signed it. Right after dealing with her I asked the other med nurse(it was shift change time) for an anxiety pill. She asked what was wrong and I told her about Tony. Then a week of frustration finally surfaced. I started crying right there in front of everyone. After that I paced the halls for a little bit and then took a nap. a little bit later in the day I was informed that I would be discharged. A couple hours after that I was discharged. Yes! Freedom at last!

 I cannot possibly explain how good it feels to finally leave a place like. The day before I had told Bryan That I would come back home so thats where I went. Everyone has decided that I should not be left alone for awhile just to be on the safe side. Susan, my mother in law was with me today and I'm expexting her tomorrow. Today all I did was clean and organize. Tomorrow I have to do laundry. We also bought a ton of puzzles, crayons, paint, sudoku. I gotta find ways to keep busy, keep my mind occupied.

Oh, I almost forgot. The new doctor I saw, Dr. Crockett, changed my meds. He completely took me off of topomax. He increased my lamyctal(spelling?) from 25 to 100. And I still have my seroquel at 100. Today I felt so weird. I find it hard to talk. I'm stuttering. I have never in my life had a problem with stuttering. Its annoying. But other than that I think it might be ok. I actually had energy today. I got a lot done.

Okay so its not actually a new idea. I've kept a journal for as long as i can remember. I think I was 12 or 13. I've got like 5 notebooks which I saved. ( I threw one away because it was too depressing) As I got older I started writing less and less. After I got married I pretty much stopped because Bry was a little weirded out. Well, now my therapist and counselors wants me to go back to journaling. They say that blogging is'nt the same as journaling.

Ok. So heres how its supposed to work: I'm supposed to write every single day no matter how mundane or boring it may be. Also, I'm supposed to write it as if I'm talking to a specific persn such as a deceased loved one, a fictional person or even a live person that I still know. I'm also supposed to keep a notebook and pencil by the bed to jot down any thoughts or dreams I may have throuh-out the night.

That last point is a good idea, I'm always having weird dreams or nightmares. Unfortunetly, I can never seem to remember them when I wake up.Now I just have to figure out who I will direct my writing to. Hmmm.... The person I'm closest to is my husband but it just seems kinda weird to direct this to him. I already tell him everything anyways. There is one person thats always there..always on my mind no matter how much I wish he'd go away. He's also the reason why I'm in therapy. That , ofcourse is my Dad. But I wont call him Dad. He's not deserving of that title.

I was never close to my father. I tried so hard to be good but he was never satisfied. Afterall, I was only a girl. According to him girls should be in the kitchen and should never have any opinions different than his.I should probaly end it now and start my 1st entry.

Ricardo-

Hello, Ricardo how's it going? I chose you to direct my journaling because I never had the courage to talk to you. I almost wish you could answer me back. I just dont understand. Was it just the drinking or did you really feel that way about me? Did you hate me? Did you really think I was a 13 year old whore? Did you think I was ugly and useless? You said so many hurtful things to me over the years. And you"ve never apolagized. Well I guess I'll never know.

Well, how good of a father were you when you pulled me out of school when I was 14 and then didnt bother to homeschool me.Oh, Ricardo. There are so many questions that I have? So many why"s? Why were you harder on me than you were on my other siblings.They both had babies at 16 yet you took them back in and paid for alot of the babies" neccessities. I, on the other hand wasnt allowed to even speak to another member of the opposite sex. You spied on me constantly. Always going through my things, reading my  diary. You even followed me to the movies or where ever I met my friends. You would continuously just 'bump into us'.Well, I'm tired.