I had an overwhelming urge to pick on Patty this morning.  I prayed to god that he would help me not to say everthing on my mind or even let her know I have an urge to pick on her.  It is hard for me to keep my thoughts to myself.  I think I want to pick on her becasue I reallly want to pick on myself.  Today, the boss is going to tell me what is going to happen next.  He may tell me I am out of a job or temporarily out of a job.  He told me that he is going to tell me what is going to happen next.  I hope he doesn't tell me to continue to try working wiht a very reluctant and angry young man.  He pushed me away seven times.  that is abuuut how much I could handle.  three times was bad enough since I follow the three strikes and you are out protocal.  I am going to a morning aa meeting, although I do not like the morning chapter or thoughts of the day.  It says to believe that you arae unimportant in the whole scehem of things.  that is a hard thought for me since I wanted to be important to the whole entire world with my savior delusion.  I am just going to have to sy that minus the delusion.  Here I go.  

I found the perfect job for me since there is a lot of independence.  but the man I am suppposed to be helping is refusing to go with me.  he refused seven times.  I know if they don't create an intervention, this man will continue to do his thing and I will be out of a job.  In the meantime,  I am going to work, putting in the hours,  I get paid for attempts and am waiting till they say that I no longer have a job.  It is  areal bummer but I am haning in there.  about the smokeing.  I havee picked up again.  It is crazy.  I know one is too many and a thousand is not enough.  that's the way I smoke.  I don't smoke one an hour.  I smoke three an hour if I have the cigarettes to smoke.  sometimes, I go for those mini cigars so I have less of them.  I just go out when I have an urge.  I am having an urge right now.  I want to start my day count over.

today is a day off, only because my client refused to work with me.  I took it better today then yesterday.  I took care of myself today.  I have things to do tonight that will keep tomorrow off my mind.  tomorrow,  I will be spending the day with the boss. I get paid when he refuses.  He sometimes refuses the boss.

sorry, it has been so long since I have written..  I should have written because I have been a nervous wreck with my new job.  It is emotionally difficult because the guy I am working with is moody.  when he gets moody, he cancells and I feel insecure abut the job..  My boss said that is just the way he is.  all that I know is he has to see me more times then not in order for me to have a job.  I think my boss shouls have had me start when all of my trainings are over so I don't have to call out.  I have training today and I am seeing this client.  It will bea every day for a week and a half becasue I have work and trainings on the weekend.  tonight is especially hard for me because I am uncomfortable having a training and then seeing him right after. I t makes me nervous.  I think when I have nothing to say on this site, I should write about other people.s entries   I habe to ge into the program with that one..  I haven't been so good at comeenting.  right after I am done with his , I weill read other entries and comment.  talk to ya later.   

sorry so long.  My computer has a mind of its own and letz me get on sites whenever it feels like it.  I have been doing well.  had a rough day yesterday with boss around me all day and spontanieously more work time in the morning then I expected.  I am not good with keeping my mouth shut about my mental illness and issues and the boss askes alot of questions.  I said some things that could be considered unwise  but not about my mental illnss or issues so I am safe but looking like an oddball. how are you all.

today, I went to work as scheduled.  I saw the dd guy walking down the street as if to avoid me.  I do not take it personally.  My boss said that he felt weird that I saw him two times onn the streets.  I don't think I was wrong in saying hi.  I guess I was seizing the opportunity to establish rapport.  He refused to see me.  My boss sounds like he doesnt know if I will get to work with the client but he is not saying that.  I am just hoping that if its not this guy, it is some other.  but I am having second thoughts about how happy I would be with the jub.  I guess I am rather picky.  I want excitement but not too much or too little.  I know I can't have the perfect degree of excitement.  It is exciting enought that he smokes and drinks his money away and there will be none left for me to do things with him anyway.  I guess its water under the bridge if that is the correct saying.  I don't know.  tomorrow, I am trying again.  i don't think he wll give it a chance and we can't force him to spend time with me.  i am just trying to keep my chin up. 

I feel really stupid.  I made about three mistakes on the process to start this job.  I told him I didn't know a phone number. He said it is right on the form.  I didn't read the forms and failed to use a certain form for medical clearance.  I have a script that says medically cleared for work.  I hope that is enough.  I feel so stupid.  It looks like I don't want the job because i am so willy nilly about details.  I just want to know the bottom line and i want to know verbally.  I should like paper better since It is more concrete.  I don't though.  I learn  better verbally and I write it down.  I guess I don't look at things other people write down/

today I feel fine.  I better feel fine because I will be all alone today and nobody can pick me up off of my face if I fall on it.  that's all for now.   I don't know what I am going to do today.  i am making a comfortort quilt with images of childhood and college names .  I get these things on tshirts and sew them onto the blanket.  It is soft on one side, quiklt on another side. 

I have always lived according to a certain delusion.  It was my reason for living.  It probably caused me problems with getting along with people who were my peers and superiors.  I could always work with people who had disabilities worse then me and treat them with dignity and respect.  but I thought I was above everyone else while at the same time thinking I was in worse shape then everyone else.  Now I know, I am no better or worse then anyone.  I mean, everyone is better then me in some ways and worse then me in some.  we are all better and worse then eachother.  I thought I was going to snap when my therapist pointed out that it was just a delusion.  I am totally sane though and didn't snap.  I am just a regular average joe shmo.  and that is an accomplishment in itself.  I got a job and am excited about it, although it is not the kind of work that i always said to myself I had to do in order to feel imporatnt.   I hav e to feel important just because I am a living breathing human being with flaws and perfections.  I mena,  I know in no way am I perfect but in gods eyes I am perfectly worthy of his love and protection.  I am not meant to be the savior of the entire world.  it never went as far as the universe.  It is somehow freeing to end this lifelong delusion.  I mean, i may end up on disability if my cards aren't right.  I have to take a realistic look at myself and love myself unconditionally.  I don't have to be great in order to be worthy of love and respect from others. thats' all in a nut shell and I am a nut, classifiealbley so.   

I got a new job working one on one with a guy with developmental disabilitty.  got hirred on the spot.  I hope I really love the job.  I am having on the job training for paul, that's his name on Friday.  It is going to be alittle awkward with my boss there bbut he seems like a nice man.  I am happy that I like the boss and the guy i will be working with.  yippe.  have to take care of technicalities- finger prninting, ppd test or mantoux whatever it is called.  I will talk to you later.

today is my interview for a job working one on one with a man with developmental disability or mental retardation.  I am going to meet the man I might be working with and the potential boss.   I have to fill out an application.   I have to tel him things about myself.  I will say that I am a gentle natured woman with a lot of compassion for people with disabilities.  I find it important to me to give a sense of dignity to people who are undervalued in our society.  wish me luck.

after waking up from very empowering and sweet dreams, I a m ready for the day.  i slept my yesterday day and night away after my colonoscopy which gave me a clean bill of health.  today is different.  fi am not sleeping anything away.  I am going grocery shopping and taking my sponsee to a meeting.  I will admit to you guys, I am a little frustrated with the idea of traveling a half hour to help someone.  selfish as it is its the truth.  but I like her and aparantly, she thinks I am helping her.  riht after this,  i am looking up a meeting in her area.  I don't know what's around long branch.  i don't have a map.  Maybe eatontown. 

I am having great difficulty sleeping.  It is hours past my bedtime and I have been praying my butt off.  Praying doesn't seem to help as god doesn't answer back in the form of a voice.  sometimes,  I wish I heard pleasant voices but I guess god knows I would be too much of a blabbermouth and that would get me in trouble.  I guess, being hungry all day, preparing for a colonoscopy, throwing up and having diarhea for hours doesnt make it an easy night sleep.  the geodon is usually my night time higher power as it always knocks me out.  Not tonight.  I am thirsty and hungry.  all that I want is a cup of milk or something to soothe my stomach.  I had a hard time today, really looking at my mi.  I can;t stop thinking if I loose jobs because of my pride whcih is either too big or too small, or if it is completely out of my control.  I swore that it was out of my control the last time. it makes it hard to keep looking for a job, when I think it is just a matter of time, before my mi gets the best of me.  I blabbed my butt off all day and night.  I have been manic every other day.  I know that for me, mania is fighting depression.  i hate having a mental illness. Its so scary.  YO never know how many rejections you are going to get.  I don't like it one bit.

I was supposed to have a job interview today but the interviewer had to cancel because of an emergency.  It is called community support for one person with developmental disability.  i don't knoiw how severe his disability is but I know I will meet him on Monday.  I hope I like the guy I would be working with and the guy I would be working for so I could have a job that pays the bills and that I like at the same time.  that would be great.  wish me luck.  Does anyone have any guesses about this guy.  does it mean that his disability is more severe then others that he doesn't go to a day treatmnt program?  does it mean he is better off then others who go to a day treatment program.   any ideas'? 

today, I have to prepare for a colonoscopy at the young age of 37.  I have to go for preventative reasons.  I have to go hungry all day and not drink any normal drinks.  I think i will be knocked out for the procedure.  That will make it easier to do. 

I am driving to my old college.  i am getting a copy of my degree.  with my mental illness, I have been bad with record keeping.  I have made collages ouut of important things, cutting them into bits and pieces as If to create a puzzle of my life, then I would discover that I made garbage and throw them out.  that's whre my mind was.  I am going there because I have been working bachelors level jobs and my therapist said it looks suspicious to send off two masters degrees  while I am looking for entry level jobs.  I am going to act like I only have a bachelors degree.  that would explain the entry level positions.  I am a little afraid to go because I was having one of my many mental breakdowns.  friends were rejecting me all over the place because of my illness and crazy sexual preoccupation.  I thought I finally hit on a subject matter that was of interest to the majority fo the adult world.  I guess I freaked them out insteadd.  My roommate abandoned me within a year.  It was a strange time.  It was like an awakening and a breakdown at the same time.  I drank a lot, I think, although I am sure i found times to stay away from the stuff.  It reminds me of a sick boyfriend or one night stand I had with an obvious sociopath, as he told me that he could cut me up into bits and pieces and noone would know.  He told me that he knew how to freeze body parts as he was doing research on it.  I sought the campus "police" for that.  he was written up and reprimanded against calling me. that was the end of him. the campus police actually helped out.  I was totally nuts in those days.  I don't know how i got my degree, exxcept for studying twenty four seven. 

hello everybody.  I don't know what to write about because not much is going on.  i haven't gotten any phone calls for interviews or anyon hiring me.  I am right now sol if you know what I mean.  Today,  I am faxing out my resume to a few places, some like where I was at the last time, some quite different.  we'll see.

I have two years before I could get on disability.  I am living with much more money then I would be receiving on disability. I heard it is only 800 a month.  that is how much my rent costs.  I am doing a lot of thinking.  that bully issue that gets me fired is so powerful,  I don't know how to heal it.  One thing is to not give them too much power.  that is a hard thing to do when i am so sensitive and it hurts really bad when they use their humiliation tactics on me.  It reminds me of years and years of  being bullied.  they always seem to get me.  I have to come to terms with that if I am ever going to work with one again and I heard that they are on every job.  I am so scared of going back to work but even more scared of going on disability. I heard that it is not even that easy to get on, even if you got fired from every little job.  The job market is not so good either.  It is not.  My resume is patchy and they don't want to take a risk on someone when they could have someone with a good resume and a good interview presentation.  i am scared,  really scared.

I  have a reality therapist.  for some time,  I had been preoccupied with my disability because I knew that at any time when my money runs out, I might not have the mental capacity to work successfully.  It had bothered me that she wanted me to focus less on it.  I guess i thought if I were preoccupied with it, I would conquer it.  anyway, she told me to consider disability.  I felt a little bit better that she was looking at it realistically, though I heard it is hard to get on it.   she said I should have no problem getting on it because I have lost many jobs because of it.  .  there is a sense of relief though some pain looking at reality.  I am writing this to get it off my chest,  I guess my screen name has to mean something different then I initially intended.  It will mean, not to fall apart.  so far, I haven't.  If I look at it like I am entitled to it, that would be better. 

today, I am going grocery shopping.  I love grocery shopping.  It makes m feel important because I remember the days that I had panic attacks and avoided shopping altogether.  I am also going to a woman aa meeting with pattys sponsee.  then we are going to see my sponsee in the hospital.  I gave her a little piece of me, who I really am and she was fine with that.  I am also going to entertain a new acquaintance from aa, a male.  that is a nice new challenge.  I am cooking chicken parmesean, homemade macaroni and cheese and asparagus with apple crisp for desert.  the diet is taking a pause right now.  talk to you all later.