I'm just waiting for tomorrow, when I find out what vocational rehabilitation has to say about helping me with college. I hope I can get their assistance, as it will make it easier for me financially to go to college. It will take a load off my mind mentally also. The last time I tried to go through vocational rehabilitation they wanted a doctor's excuse saying I was well enough to go to college, and my doctor wouldn't sign that.

I hope I can go to college without all the red tape this time. Just getting into college has a lot of red tape to it.

I have been talking to my kids and my son wants me and my daughter to come see him and his new wife for thanksgiving. They are expecting twins and he says the twins are growing good and that they are healthy. Kelly, his new wife, say they haven't got much room to grow much more. She thinks she's as big as she can get. She has a lot to learn. Ha! Ha!

Life has been going good. I haven't heard the voices much, but my dreams have been weird. I just have to get used to one or the other. I usually have one or the other all the time.

 

I have no friends. I haven't had any friends since I became ill, ten years ago. No one calls or comes by to check on me. I have no one to call. I just sit here all day by myself. I had some friends before I became ill, but when I got ill not a one bothered to call or come by and see how I was doing. I guess they were what you call fair weather friends. When the going gets bad, they just disappear.

I lost other friends when I got divorced. I haven't heard from those friends at all. I haven't even saw them around town. That is really strange.

I haven't been out to make new friends. It just doesn't seem worth the effort, they just disappear when you really need them. It's funny though it took me this long to actually realize that I don't have even 1 friend left.

It looks like I'm really going to college. I have an appointment with vocational rehabilitation Nov. 17 and plan to make an appointment Dec. 1 to take my COMPASS test, (which will place me in my college classes). I just need to complete my FAFSA, which my daughter said she would help me complete as soon as she has time.

I am really looking forward to going to college. I want to study accounting. I like doing bookkeeping. I just haven't done a lot of it since high school. I am interested in learning more about computers also. I have to take a computer literacy class. That should help me a lot. It will also help me to get out and be around people instead of here in the house all the time.

Accounting is really isolated work, but I can handle that. You only see people when they want something done. Mostly it's just you and the numbers. I like working with numbers in accounting. I didn't much care for working with numbers is quality assurance because there are too many variables, but in accounting the numbers always mean the same thing.

I want to go back to college. I have only take 2 college courses, but I made all A's. I would like to go back and study something, but I don't know what. When I went to college before, I studied introduction to specification control, hydrolics and pneumatics. I started a class on blue printing and something else, but I couldn't finish it because of the voices.

I really would like to study something in the working of factories, but I haven't been in a factory since 2000. I really liked specification control, but most factories teach that themselves. Anyway, I don't know if my Dr. will let me go back to factory work considering that's where I had my break down.

Vocational Rehabilitation says I have to get a note from my Dr. saying I am ready for rehabilitation before they can help me. I think going back to college would be good for me. I could study any one of a number of things, but I want something that will  I will be able to do with my arthritis. I'd like to study art, but there is no demand for that where I live. I want to become a productive member of society again.

I'm in several moods today. Right now I'm listening to classical music, I think maybe it will calm me down. I like classical music sometimes. It's the third type of music I have listened to today. I, also, listened to country music, and oldies ( 60's & 70's) rock. That's about the range of my moods today. 

I have been waiting two days for a package and I am beginning to lose my patience. I hate to wait for delivery trucks. They always seem to show up when I'm not looking anyway.

I have been eating too much. Trying to diet is getting harder and harder it seems. I'm just craving something I don't have right now, and I can't get it. When I crave something and can't get it, it seems like I eat everything else in the house.

It seems like God gets in my way everytime I try to do things my way. I know we are not perfect, but we do have free will. Everytime I try to use free will, it's like God is there stopping me. Nothing ever changes. I am getting tired of it. I would like to have several changes that I think are good, but it's like God is there telling me No, you can't do that. It's not as good for you as you think it is. Well, I would like to at least try and see if it is good for me.

I haven't slept well tonight. I gave up trying at 3:30 a.m. I have been awake every 25 minutes since 12:30. I am taking sleeping pills, but occasionally they don't work.  I just get tired of climbing in bed and getting up.

I am not on a regular sleeping schedule now for different reasons. I can't sleep at night and I get up and smoke or write on the computer or I get up and clean house. I like to clean house in the early morning hours for some reason. I go to sleep in the morning after I take my morning medication and sleep a couple of hours. Then sometimes I take a nap in the afternoon, if I do that then I can't sleep well at night.

I know I need to quit napping, but I can't keep my eyes open during the day. I am more of a night person. The last few years I haven't had anything to do at night and I go to bed early. That's when my sleeping problems started. But sleeping 30 minutes at a time is the pits. Believe me.

I think it is time for me to find a new man in my life. I have been divorced almost 3 years and I am getting lonely. I enjoyed my freedom at first, not having to clean up after a man or cook for one. I even enjoyed living alone, but it is getting to where I miss having a man for company. I've got to where I don't do anything at night. I don't have anyone to talk to or watch TV with. I don't have anyone to go shopping with or to watch movies with. That doesn't include all the things that a man can do for you or that you can do for a man.

My ex-husband enjoyed the fact that I kept a clean house and cooked for him. That I could sew and make things for the house or mend things for him. I used to do a lot of things around the house to make it homier and I miss doing a lot of those things. It's just not the same, when you live alone.

I would like to find a man that can accept the fact that I have schizophrenia and not look at it as who I am. I am better than that most of the time. I only on rare occasions have setbacks. Most of the time I am almost normal. I just have to make sure I take my medications.

I am a normal loving woman who needs an normal loving man to make a home.

Justice, that's what I want. Justice for the last 10.5 years. I was put in a chair and made to sit there for days and days at a time. I didn't think I could do anything else. That I had to sit in that chair and be questioned for months on end. I even sat there when I needed to go to the bathroom, sometimes. It was like I couldn't get up for any reason. I want justice for this and for all the questioning.

There was no excuse for questioning me that way. It's not like I would answer your questions anyway. I resent all the activity that was taken away from me. I, also, resent being put to sleep, even if it is therapy. I feel I don't need therapy. I just need to get out and meet people.

I feel like someone is responsible for this and I want it stopped. Like when I go on a diet and I start eating something everytime I wake up. That's not normal, especially when I wake up a half a dozen times a night. I want control over my life again. I don't want to eat when I wake up. I want to control my calories instead of adding empty calories to my diet.

They can call it whatever disease they want, but I know it is not a disease, but I don't know for sure what it is. I have my suspiscions, but we won't go there. I do know I recognize a few of the people involved, but not many. I could probably look up a lot more my memory is improving and I can focus more. Everyday I seem to become more normal, except for the therapy or hypnosis or whatever it is. At times I can't even look at the computer without going to sleep. That sucks and that's just one example.

I still think my former employer did this to me. If not them, then it must have been the city. I have recognized people from the factory, city hall, and Drs. wives in my so-called dreams. They are not dreams because they change me in some way.

Men are responding to me in a positive way. I don't know if it is the men I am meeting or the new outlook on life. If I love myself, does it show? Does it make other people notice me? I wanted to write the letter I wrote to myself on here. It goes as follows:

Dear Patsy,

I love me. I love my eyes. They are hazel. They can see many things. I love my facial features. They are perfect for me. My nose fits just right and so does my eyes and mouth. I have very distinguished eye brows. My voice matches me. I hear it on the answering machine sometimes and I like what I hear.

I love my body. It is proportioned just right to have an hour glass figure. I have big breasts and big hips with a smaller waist. I am large, but at least my body is proportional and not way out of proportion like some people. I love being able to walk places, just not very far. My feet are just the right size to match the rest of me.

I am really smart. I can learn things easily. I should go to college and learn something useful. I would love that. All in all I am quite happy with myself and I do love myself in spite of my imperfections.

Love

Patsy

The letter couldn't possibly say it all. But my imperfections get in the way sometimes. I try not to let them, but that is life. We need to learn to love ourselves as life has handed us.

Last month my Dr. increased my meds, for some reason this month she decreased them. They were working really well. I don't know why she decreased them. I guess it's just up to the Dr. how much you take. Maybe she just doesn't want to keep me at the upper limits of the med just in case I have another relapse.

Last week one of my friends died. Sue, Randy, and I found her in her apartment. We still don't know what she died of. The police and coroner would not say, I guess because we weren't relatives. It was sad finding her like that. She wasn't but 41 years old. She had 2 daughters, 1 was 18 and the other was 13. It was really sad for them, even though they lived with their dad.

I have been having dreams and I wake up answering questions out loud. I do this several times a day and it is beginning to worry me. I have been sleeping a lot lately. I fall asleep at the drop of a hat or at least any time I get still for a few minutes and I always wake up answering a dream, or is it a hallucination. I don't really know. I need to talk to my Dr. about this. I called the crisis line and they don't do medication clashes, for me to go to the emergency room or call a pharmacist. Well, I don't do emergency rooms very well, so I will wait until tomorrow and call my Dr. I just needed to talk about this tonight, so I thought I would write it down. Thanks for listening. Patsy 

Tonight I started taking Chantix to quit smoking. I tried to pray about quitting, but got to thinking about all the times I tried to quit smoking and to lose weight.I think the reason I failed at quitting smoking before is because I am afraid of being without the cigarrette.I can go without smoking, but sometimes I think I just have to have a cigarette here and that is my down fall. I thought that the reason I don't lose weight is because men will like me. I am really pretty when I lose weight. I don't want to date. I am satisfied with my life like it is, although, I would like to lose 150 lbs. I am having trouble losing even 10 lbs. because I am satisfied with my life. I need motivation.

I thought that when I found out I was becoming a grandma, that would be motivation. It wasn't. When I found out that it was twins it still wasn't motivation. I am going to have to have energy to help take care of these babies, but lack motivation to go out and get the energy.

I need to pray for guidance and motivation to quit smoking and to lose weight for myself and for my children and for my grandbabies.

Today, I feel so useless. There is nothing for me to do, except clean my apartment, which takes less than 30 minutes. I am not interested in television. I have no hobbies. I am just here the rest of the day. I get no telephone calls. It's like everyone forgets I exist during the week.

I would like to visit with someone, but all my old friends work. I don't work anymore and have lost contact with my old friends. I guess they were fair weather friends, because they disappeared when I got schizophrenia and then I became depressed.

I feel like a useless human being, because there is nothing for me to do. I can't walk because of my knees. So being outside is kind of useless. Also, because of my weight, which I have been working on losing weight, but the last week I have gained back some of the weight.

Happy New Year to everyone. I am looking forward to 2009. Everything has been going good with me. My meds are working and I have been losing weight. My son came home from Germany for Christmas and my daughter was here. I got to see my mom, sister and all my brothers. I didn't get to see 3 of my nephews, but I saw my nieces and the rest of my nephews.

I hope 2009 is a good year. I, also, hope to keep losing weight. I'm back on my diet after Christmas. I gained a couple of pounds over Christmas, so I went back to my diet. We have plans for a New Year's Eve party. Just a few friends. I still can't handle big crowds. We decided not to do the bar scene. We should have fun though.

I can't believe how fast the year is going. It's almost Thanksgiving already. I just have a few weeks to lose the rest of my weight to reach my goal of 50 lbs. I think I will make it, but I'm working extra hard just to make sure. My son will be home for Christmas and I have to have the weight gone by then. Next, I will start on losing another 50 lbs. by June 20, my daughters wedding date. I have a lot to lose and these goals help me to lose weight. I can hardly wait for the weight to come off. I am so ready for June. I'll be able to wear a decent size clothes by then. It will make so much difference in the way that I feel about myself. It will shock my ex-husband. He hasn't saw me since I started losing weight and I don't plan on seeing him until June. So it will really surprise him, like he really cares anyhow.

I am still losing weight. So far I've lost 33 lbs. I've been working really hard to get the weight off. I haven't lost enough I can start exercising everyday, but I have been walking more. I just can't bend to do the exercises, like I need to. I will keep losing weight, so I can do the exercises and get back in shape.

I am still losing weight. So far I've lost 33 lbs. I've been working really hard to get the weight off. I haven't lost enough I can start exercising everyday, but I have been walking more. I just can't bend to do the exercises, like I need to. I will keep losing weight, so I can do the exercises and get back in shape.

I haven't journaled in a while. I have been busy with the new friends that I have found since I moved a few months ago. I know that is no excuse but I don't seem to need to journal as much, since I have someone to talk to. Sue and Melissa Jo have their problems, too, but we just talk about them and we all feel better. Melissa Jo would freak out if she knew I was writing about her, but Sue doesn't care. It's all annonymous and no one knows who they are anyway.

My brother is having a hard time of it. He wants me to move in with him, but I don't want to move again. I like having my own things around me. At his house I would have to put most of my things in storage.

My mom is doing good. So are my kids. It won't be long and my son will be back from Iraq again. He'll be home for Christmas this time. My daughter is getting a promotion at work and she's happy.

I have recently met a couple of other people with Schizophrenia and have been spending time getting to know them. It is the first time since I have been diagnosed that I have met anyone with Schizophrenia and I like getting to know these people. They don't know yet that I know they have schizophrenia and I don't know how to tell them. They don't want it widely known about their disease. Not that I blame them. I have heard the local comments about people talking about them. I don't tell everyone that I have schizophrenia either. It's just none of their business. I would however, like to talk to these people that have schizophrenia about it. About how it affects their lives and how it affects my life.