I keep having the same re-occuring dream. In it I am talking to my Zack, both of us standing at my door about to leave (I assume). I ask him "You speak of two paths, I am one.. who is the other?" He replies with a name. "I can't compete" I say, and continue with "I will make this easy on you, please take the other path. He is closer to your age, closer to where you live, and can most likely give you a more exciting life" He agrees. I fall to my knees without holding back the tears. He dissapears. It is my end, I cannot continue.

I am soo in love with a guy I just met a few weeks ago. It is overwhelming to the point that I cannot function. I have missed days at work, missed days at school, can't motivate myself to do anything. I have never in my life felt such love and passion and it is taking over my mind completely. I just need more and more of him. And in time I know that I will have this. But for now I need to find a way to focus on my life!

I am soo upset tonight, have been crying for hours. I have spent $4oo on an LCD TV to raffle, $200 on printer supplies, $60 on a website, and plenty of other things just for my school to tell me that they might not let me do a raffle for Relay For Life. I don't understand why anyone would want to stand in the way of this. I can't believe the world has come to a point that a charitable organization would limit and unjustly control the willingness of several people wanting to help their cause. I do soo many things and take soo many burdens upon myself and the Lord has blessed me so much but I need to see some kind of faith and genuine love, trust, respect, and willingness to help, for other people. I simply don't understand people. Tonight has been so devastating that I am going to go tomorrow and get back on the meds that I have been free from for two years, I'm gonna smoke some cigarettes and down a bottle of whatever alchohol I can find. I'm just soo upset. I lost my roommate tonight cause I am talking to a guy from his past. Why cant he just want me to be happy the way I want him to be happy. Why are the people that we love the most the most childish when we need them the most. On my way home I felt like just falling asleep and I didn't really care. Someone please say what I need to hear, I need to hear it. Someone amaze me, show me that there is hope. Please don't let me be the only person like me left in this world.

I'm not even sure what to say in this journal tonight but I feel that I need to write something. I need to vent but wish I knew what was inside of me that needs out. I am loving my job, loving school, loving my church family, loving my new man, loving life. It just seems that everyone is pulling me a different direction when I just need left alone. I KNOW what the problem is, but fixing it would hurt someone that I care a lot about, and I value him (as I do most everyone) more than I value myself, so I simply keep it inside. When will I ever care about myself. The only thing that keeps me going is that I feel needed. I love helping people and have been blessed so much. I will continue to focus on everything else and just try to stay low on the battlefield.

School is still going really good. I am now working two jobs and soon to starting my internship. I am single still and still enjoying it! Lately I have found a lot of strength from music and God. My only problem right now is that two guys have entered my life. One I have known for over a year and have crushed on since the day I met him, the other I just met (Well technically will meet at 5:30 today!). I was such a dork and stopped by the "long time crush's" house and took him a rose. I really am just waiting to see what happens with either of them.

So this has been the best year of my life. School is going really well. I am working as a math tutor and loving it, it gives me a sense of self worth. I have become friends with a few of my Pharmacy Tech classmates. I am single and meeting new guys and really having some fun!!! I am a little stressed financially because I am about to be renting my own apartment and because my car needs a few repairs. But I'm not letting it get me down as long as I have friends to hang out with I am loving life. Am looking forward to all the activities on campus. Go Eagles!

Well it seems that my life never gets better. My boyfriend, the same one that had a dozen or so nude pics of his ex and only pretended to delete them, the same one that moaned his name in his sleep for the first 3 months of our relationship, the same one that begged to keep a pair of his ex's shorts, the same one that has continued to talk to his ex (even after I broke his nose), the same one that had a bottle of his ex's cologne in his car so that he could always remember his scent has now only pretended to throw away a few cd's of a song that he always used to beg and plead to get him back. The lies that he always swears are over have continued. He is still holding onto his ex as much as he can. I continue to be hurt, and the sad thing is that I am pretty sure that in all the hurt I have experienced today of knowing he still holds onto his ex and of knowing that he will lie to me for the rest of our relationship that he cares more about his cd's than of the pain that he constantly pushes me through. I feel soo much rage at times. I often question wether I love or hate him. Will we as humans put ourselves through hell just to hate someone? or is it love, do I even know what love is anymore. I know I don't love myself. I know I continue to hate myself more and more. I have often heard that when you love someone and they love you, you can see yourselves through each others eyes. All I see is this crazy, coldhearted person that I have become. But if I am seeing that through his eyes, than has he created this new me, has he slowly broken me down into this empty shell that I have become?? "I need a new start" That thought keeps running through the back of my mind constantly taunting me, telling me that I am weak. I pray for strength as I torture and deprive myself.

It has been almost two years since my last "attempt". I still have my ups and downs but I feel stronger. For the first time ever I am giving my feelings some value. A few days ago a thought ran through my head "I don't think thats asking very much and I deserve it and I expect it", kinda surprised myself, lol. I need to stop being so silent (and I guess I can mean that in more ways than one). I need to be reasured more than most people but I don't want to be a burden or even an inconvenience. I am gaining confidence (a little) and creating hope.

I only get upset when I’m around you, its hard to push my feelings inside about all the times you have hurt me. I hate you, yet I still love you more than I have ever loved anyone. You love me and that only makes it hurt worse. Denying love must be one of the most difficult things in this world. There is all this rage inside me and it only gets worse. I hate myself and everything about me. Without someone to love this life isn’t worth living, but why would anyone ever love me. I have lost my faith in everything and can no longer rely on myself at all. Tiredness causes me not to care anymore I want it all to end, I am of no use to anyone.

Why does everyone expect so much from me. My dad requires me to take him to work each day at 1pm, then home at 7pm. He expects me to be able to get a second job and give him more money because of all the debt that my sister has dropped upon him. My sister basically forces me to do chores for her. Somestimes I just want to dissapear and not come back, but I'm rather certain that I would become homeless and not survive. I try to figure out what my goals are, but I know that life is worth nothing without someone to love and I have given up on love. I dont know what to do but I'm having thoughts of giving up again.

OK, so my last few weeks have been mostly good. I am living by myself now, bought a car but it needs a little work. But I was in Wal-mart yesterday with my sister and as she was paying the person behind us pulled his cargo buggy right behing here and she stepped back and fell and so I started yelling and cursing. He didn't even say sorry. Luckely my sister wasnt hurt and thank god she wasn't carrying her 3 month baby, cause then I would have litteraly killed the asshole. While I am thinking about my neice I need to upload a pic of her soon, she is so adorable, I bought her an outfit today for $6.  Anyway, I just needed to get this out of me. Thanks for listening

Ok, so yesterday was terrible. I found cuts under my dogs arms cause the harness I used to walk him in twice was too tight, 10 miles. I cried all day and had nightmares last night. I feel so bad. I'm gonna go buy him some toys today with my grocery money. I realized something about myself last night and for most people it would be the end of the world but I guess I will just deal with it, maybe. I have been giving more and more thought to things that I shouldnt be thinking about, and losing hope steadily.

I have had a really good week.I am not sure why, but I now feel capable of achieving my goals . I have gotten into the habbit of walking 4 miles each day and have improved my hygiene. I feel much better. I still have a lot of things that I need to improve in my life, but thats ok, I guess most everyone does too. It's no wander I had no friends, even I wouldnt have been my friend, lol. Anyway thanx for all the coments and now maybe I will be able to read other journals and have something good to say.

I need suggestions on how to vent my rage. Until last christmas when I had a nervous breakdown, I had never even gotten angry or upset or showed any emotion at all. Now I get bitchy real easily and snap at people. Now I voice my opinion and I dont want that to change. I guess what I am asking is if anyone knows how to clear the slate of built up anger? Anyway, on another note I am thinking about doing some volunteer work at a dialysis center that once saved my life. I love helping people and I think that it would give me a meaning in my life and get me out and about. I still really need a job, I almost enlisted in the army today, but I am not that ignorant yet. I just need something that is part time that I can deal with. I think this is now my main goal. Well I am going to bed now, thanks for listening to me, it helps to get it out.

I have been on a rollercoaster the past couple days. It makes me feel helpless when simple things completely take over my emotions. On a good note (kinda), I am beginning to realize that it is possible to change all of the things in my life that I hate, the bad news is that being depressed has drained my will-power. I exercise and eat right but just have no energy. I am still not sure if I will ever be able to keep a steady job, and this poses a problem for most of my goals. If it wasn't for my best friend S.M. I wouldnt have the will to live. She makes me realize things that I had never noticed about myself, and if she were a guy I would totally date her. Any guys on here? If anyone wants to chat (girls or guys or anyone else, lol) on yahoo, please add me billyj28734@yahoo.com

I am at a point in my life where I can no longer imagine having a future. Every night I pray for my life to end, then I wake up knowing that it is only a matter of time. I have no friends at all other than a very good friend on the internet. I am too nervous and hate myself too much to get out and meet people and also because I have no relationship skills. I have no job and have always been UNABLE to keep one, not sure why but I always get overwhelmed with anxiety. I hate how I look and can't imagine ever being loved. I have no clue what to do now, but my future isn't looking bright.