as you can see ..baby here .....4 oclock  jessy got up hurting ..but thought it gas ..she got her  2 sister ,stephen ..not me ..after more hrs ..then they got me up ...jessy said i think i got gas ..i said were you hurt and how feel   ..she said .its not going away ...she had a head ake she went to bed ..i ask then ..you wont go let them check you ........no she not go .....with know all of this ..i know ..we better get her to hosp. she in trouble...we got there ..her blood pursher sky high ..babys low .........they took him fast ...as they could ..hrs we didnt know if he live are die..he had no air ...he weak .. ..now he stable.....dr said it be at lest 24 to 48 ..hrs ..even his mom  wont be able to hold him .she only saw pic ..that i took ...i hope pray he be ok ..i just know walk though my door ..you all one of frist ..i even told ..........its  my real  grand baby . he here ..........ally

i saw my son today ..no cry .in fact he didnt wont me to get him out ..now ..judge told him told if stay 20 more day ..big bond ..be clear ..all of that part ..he sat it out ..small bond ...300 to get him out after 20 day ..and he made trustey..so he working ...this is good ..boy never could sat stil .....it stil hard for me to see him like that ....he still my baby ..no matter how much he missup ..i cant help it ...ray make fun me ..and being .........hole becouse ..i stand by him ...he my son ...i not even try to get him out yet ..but i will ..after he sat in there another 20 day ...that be over 2 months ..i wont him home for xmass .i can do 300$...so that part my day good ....ok you all know ray lost my bank card ..we found it after ...i told  bank  give me new one ...so i not had bank card in 3or 4 weeks i just got one today ..last paid we over drown at bank why i do not know ...we just got paid ..im see my son ..we was going get something to eat .....i go atm ..we have no money at all ..again ..i have thankgiven to by for ...much less gas ..so im am not happy ..i ask were did money go ..he said i dont know ...he had  only one got atm card ..i keep seeing him new stuff ....i ask him what do i do about thanksgiven ..i got my friend comeing ..he said ..tell her not to come ..................i could called  him everything in book ..broke few things over his head ...but i saids .what we going do for thanksgiven ..he said we can go to lisa mom law house ..i said oh hell no ..i dont even like them ..are her cooking ..i told ..im haven thanksgiven at my house as i all way do ..i am going say this ..its been 7 days ...i put over 1500 in bank ...and its gone ..we dont get paid til day after thanksgiven i could get my  xmass money in ..but i dont know if behere before thanksgiven ....anyone here be little mad ..i  was poor i kid ..i not been broke so miney years ...i dont like it ....i work damn hard make sure ..i had money i needed .....i  make it ..we have thanksgiven ..no help to him ..he just said i dont know what you going to do ...........hole...lord help me ...he dont wont be to have any friend ..........he lost his mind ..........if he did this ..stop my friend from comeing sorry ,no good ..i could keep going ..but i get kick off ........i got go with jessy to dr at 7 ..so i better get in bed ..pray im not to mad to sleep ................thanks being here .......ally

i am realy 43 ..but im going to strart saying im 44 ....becouse i trun 44 ..it be no big deal ..i been doing this for years ..i dont think anyone forsure knows how old i am ..but anyone read this  do .....im cool with my age ...i had lot fun ..and i had lot of .........lost lot of people i loved ....died ....seen lot of heart ack ...one thing i know ..i have lived ..i gave it ..............im not done yet ...i be raise more .....before im gone ......my friend that got 22 year old f/b think she nock up ..i hope not ..i had plain to take her with me on my trip ...i told quit messing around go find out ...she 40 ..i told her it could just be old age ..i know im bad ..but it true ..she got fixed ...she wont a baby ..i think ......i shoot myself ...not that i did anything ..to get that away ..i can tell anyone .this ..i fix that long time ago ..i 21  i got fixed ..she had bad day at work ..been talking to her for 4 hrs ..on internet ......son not out of jail yet ...no baby yet ....i let you all know ..on both .....i hope all my friends here doing good ...im little tried today ..life kick me in ..........today ...little sad ......i know tomorrow not going be good day ..im go see my son in jail .....i dont wont too ................but i gess i have too..sometime being mom sucks rot  you get it ...anyone wont free 25 year old ..dumn ...well thats my day ..love yall night ..........ally ...

i slept til 4 today ..i needed it too..just found out ..we can get mike out jail ..bond ..im pay 7,000 bond now ..im not even sure i wont to ..but with xmass comeing ..i may try ..some how ...im not sure how yet ..god i feel old today ..44 years old ...so much in my life ..is just messed up ..one good thing ....as you can see from pic ..im lose pounds ..that meds dr put me on was makeing me ..fat ..im still not happy with dr ..about not telling me ..it  could do that ..im glad someone on here told me ..thanks stephen ...im verry gratefull all my friends here ...my friends bring her new boyfriend to thanksgiven ...she 40 ..he 22 years old ..i got hide my true feeling on this ...not judge her ..its not my life ..nothing to me ...i would not do it ..few years ..i can see it ..i like my men ..men ..around my own age ..i can be friends any one ....i like people ..all kinds ..all age ..dont mean i get bizzy with them ..she said he got friend thats hot ..im glad for him ..but as for as me ...he not got chance in ......i never be that hard up ...i got 2 kids that old ..im sure i can find older guy ..if i wonted too..im not that bad looking ..if you ask me ..im cute ...i cant help it ..i am ...funny too .....on ray front ..last night ..he  was messed up ..came in here ..grab my arm ..pull it back ...i said hay man what ...you doing ...he not makeing any sents at all ..i took pain patch off him ..made get in bed ..he new nothing at all today ..wouldnt bleave me if wasnt for everyone here .....he doing othere stuff too ..he freck ..me out ...........theres no telling what that man going to do ..next ..no baby yet ...still in oven ..its ok ..it give me few day i wont have to change dippers .....love ya ......ally

jessy and me  pic  took today ...i would !! show you my grandbaby ..but he not pop out ..after 11 hrs ..at hosp. they sent her home ...told her to go home and walk ...dr gave stuff make baby come ..but he didnt ...dr said it be better ..if she came home waited ..then have to stay there ..im little up set ...becouse dr told us ..we have baby today ..dr looked beat ..win .she came back ...if we got wait ..i gess we have too ...man im tried ..i walk more today ..i have in month ..and i got 3 hrs sleep last night ....i realy wont see my grandbaby ..and im glad i got  to go home ..thank to all told me congratulattions,,,i thank you ..its real nice of you ......ally

 tommorrow  is baby day ..im real bizz today ..get ready for my new grandbaby ..pack ..cleaning ..i got be up at 4 .00 ..i not be back til ..i got pic of zacky dale ...show you ...all ..so if im not on here ..are i didnt get with you today im sorry ..i be back ..i hope you all have grate day ....i talk at you all ... i get back ....love you all .this is pic ..of me verry day i had my son ..thats made me my new grand baby ,i know i small ..at 7 months i wade 98 pounds..day i had him ..in that pic ..i wade 129 pounds ...he good son ..,........ally

im right this before i take my med today ..so im not so missed up ...i have killed myself month ago ..if not been for 5 thing ...1.i know lot of people love me i never wish to hurt them ...just so you all know ..i have so miney place to go ..if i wonted too.....i have people come 100s of miles just to see ME ..there not lot of people know me..that dont like me ..2..if i did kill my self ..im not sure were i end up ,,,i been good all my life ..that be a big  messup !! .3..i feel like i gave up ..i never give up ...4 grandbabys ..i wont to see them growup  ...5 becouse i have you ..too talk too ...my friend here ..and thats truth ..if i did die ..i be happy ..too ..becouse thats what i wont realy ....but im hanging on ..fighting ..day after day ..its not get any easyer ...but hay im here today ....thank you ..........ally

this pic took about two hrs ago ..i thinking why now ..at lest my robe new.. got it today ...got biggest soft one i could fine i like it ....its worm too ..so thats why the fake ....smile...gril at bottom is one one i been haveing trouble with ..jessy on left .the good sister on right ...im start to feel bad for the bad one ..i think she lost .but im still watch my back ...didnt sleep all night ..before i left take jessy to dr i told someone off big time ...thing change are im going go move in someone ..im not sure who yet .. ..THIS IS BIG NEWS >>DR PUT HER IN HOSP >>MONDAY ..i not been home much today ..we had to get dr ,hosp.stuff done ..and by some stuff for baby..we are ready .so soon as monday come ..new grandbaby how cool is that ..then i got home .lisa got me to watch ..shyann ..my othere grandbaby ..then i findly had time to take bath ,eat ...now right before this pic took ..ray took in his head to try put me down ..if front of all people here ..this time i bit back ..i told him  i dont know who you think you are ..put me down in front of people ...much less put me down .at all .he though about it  few min ..i just look at him ..with mean eyes ..he said .i dont know why i do it ..im sorry ..i told he need to find out why .....then i talk one my friend on internet ..she said ..she may come for thankgiven ..she wont makesure i make it though ..thanksgiven this be frist sent my aunt died ..i not had anything with out her ..before ..im still tore a part over loseing her ......so thats  was my  day .........ally ...p.s. dont this little dude look like he doing pee pee dance .. to you !!!

i like me .....im too old change ...are care .....i might shock you ,i might make you laugh ,i could even make you cry ....wont mean too ..for sure ....i take each of my friend how ..how god made you .as i do in my real life ...not how other people wont you to be ..thats is  what makes YOU  cool .....as beans .....we are all own here ..becouse we need understanding ...just to know someone here you ...and just might care ...someone you can talk too ....some of you i made bond with ...im not saint ..never clamed to be ..i wouldnt  be good at it trust me ..on this one ...but that dont mean ..im not good people .........and i am a cancer  ..i might just grow on you ..i need to get out ..why im here too ..thats why im here ..we need each othere ...so here how i realy feel ...im hurt my life is has been torn apart ....im mad as ......im sad ..im lonely ....im sick of my life ...im sick  of life ..im pissed off.......i keep fighten ..i keep smileing ....ok laughing .....im give it .....til the end ....becouse most of all im stuburn as ........pain in the ...........full of it ..cant forget that one ..........cant for get cute ...........i couldnt help myself ........now i got some good news ..my dog not dead ..after days she back ...but she is mad ...i would be too ..if someone run me over ................ally ..p.s. sometime the funnyest  ,happy people feel the most ..you just cant tell

new babys not ready to come out ..he not here in week ..he be comeing out any way ..dr said so ..this pic is of my othere grandbaby .and her mom ..she one ..the day it took ...lisa is the only girl baby i had ..thats her baby ..soon as that little buger comes out i show you pic of him ..they ran test on her yesterday ..said he good ..he 8 pounds ..got big head ..his fanger was in mouth ..that best part of my day ..then on way home ..lisa suv ..belt broke ..i had tell her to let me get  them home ..it ran water pump ..we have lot of  hills ..i go up hill turn off ..roll down hill ..it never came close to hot ..and i got them home ....there one man stop ask if we wonted him pull us home ..we said ok ..but then he wonted to take one of us home get car ..jessy sister wonted to do this ...she 17 teen ..she not listen to her older sister ..i got out walk up to man ..frist thing i saw ..hand gun ..on dash ..covered up ..i saw butt then i moved little i say it was in hoster too ...then i saw kinfe ..big one too ..by leg ..was he bad man ..i dont know ..i know this much ..that girl was not get in that truck ..i told him we got it ..look at her she going open her big mouth ..i said ..only get that truch ..if you wont me drage you out beat hell out you ..the man got gun and kinfe get you ..back in suv ...then i get home ..now i had 4 hrs sleep ..so im take me nap ..jessy and sister ..was going to the store ..ran over biggest black ..dog you ever saw ..it my dog ..know this is 2 dog of mine ..in last two months ..i try get her ..she ran ..i cant find her ..i look every were ..i love this dog ..i had her for 8 years ..she big but best outside dog you could have ..i gess she dead ..right before i got to bed ..lisa and them wont go out to eat ..bag me to watch my grandbaby ..who was sick ..and have fit ...today not been much better ....i have to wait tell you latter ..anyone on here haveing  bad day ..if real bad ..tomorrow got be better ..if not give it afew days ..it will ..i hope one day you all get everything you wish for ...in life                 ...................ally

sorry to all men reads this ..jessy is have bloody show ..and slime comeing out .that got to do with water..im fix be grandmam ..!!! how cool is that ..real cool ..so in next day are two im not on here ..you know why ..im real happy about this ...as soon as i can i show all of you pic of him ...take care ......ally

my day i gess it ok ..i sleep all day..i up all night last night...it day light i went to bed ...i got go with jessy to dr ..if im not on here ..in next few day sometimes in next two weeks ..im out wait on my new grand baby ...jessys sister ask today ..if she can stay til after jessy has baby ..i said ok ...im not sure of her yet ...only met her last night ..ray told head dr on me i think ..now he wonts me call are email him .. dr tell ray to tell me ..he realy care ..that im only on with his email ..home phone ...i might tomorrow email him...i know i need to ...i will...do it ...i wish more people wrighting journal .more  ....rays brother still mad at me ..i dont like people being mad at me ..not that i let it show ...at lest he not show up with his stuff yet ....i just got me little time ...he end up ..going to ray get him feel sorry for him ...ray told me last night ..if i every wont leave he understand ..he did not  wont me to yet!!..but one day there may come time ..he may ask me too..leave..... hell ...we be move in our new house soon ..he better get someone help him pack ...his be comeing back here .are were he wont go .i not be move out my house ...he back to ..poor , poor me .it is not that i dont feel sorry for him i do ..sometime he loves me .im best friend ....then he hates ..then blames me for just about everything ...tells me how sorry i am ..in front of people!! he gets angery ..i understand ..he hurts ..he not happy ..this is over 4 years of this ...one thing after an othere....im of hereing it ...maybe he not understand what he saying ..i wont you here .now .but .one day i might not need you ..are wont you liveing with me ....thats not good thing tell women ..i just let  him run his mouth ...i be glad go see my friend ...for few days ...take care ............ally

 i made rays brother mad ..he not called back ..i not mean to him ..i just told him ...i no ones maid ...he better go find him a women ..ok ..and....he said if he fall ..he might not be able to walk ..i told him ..dont fall...i know bad ally ...i gess today ok ..nothing happen too bad ..today... i just got back from picking jessy sister up from bus in lufkin ..hrs and 1/2 away .....she said she going be here 4 days ..we almost hit a deer .....on way home ...jessy driveing ...did you  know if your in lufkin tx ..there not store after 12 let you in.... they got window .. we could  not find..a place  to pee..so i pee on road ...i just told  jessy pull car over ..i didnt see anyone ..i got out pee..jessy is about to have baby anyday .....she had to pee too ..she saw me peeing ...so she did to ..but this is nothing new me ...im just one those people dont care ...ac went out truck this summer ...we had to take ray to dr ..in truck any way ...it so hot ..my top i took off squeeze it ..it so bad ..i hung it up to dry ..road about a hr ..no top ..but i had bra...so im not that shy ...ray know ..he one told me to do it ...couldnt see nothing more my swimming suit shows...i been thinking ...i getting older ...now ..maybe i need to stop wearing 2 pice ..its time i got me hole one ...bathing suit ..i still got few months ..just something pop in my heard ......i gess i feeling old tonight .....this pic took last month ..i lost 5 pound .after it was took ....glad too ...i dont eat much ...but i like good food ...it not food ..it was my meds ..someone on here said something about his meds makeing gain waight ...i ask dr ..hay man any of my meds i take could be makeing well i said fat ..he said yes ..i told him better change it ..im not takeing it ..so  he did ..it works better too ...im glad too ....im still mad .no one told me ....so if your try lose waight ..it could be your meds ..it might not be you at all ...night ally

not good day for me ..in my real life ...how do i feel ..all bad feeling people can feel ..mostly used ,........i know play me ...see you all know by now ..that i take care of my hubby ..becouse he got hurt ..we dont have a hubby wife kind of life ..but i feel its right ...kind of thing to do ...after i say this you all may hate me ..my hubby name is ray ..his brother ..ask me ..if i take care of him too!!!..he said he hurt his back ...this man been an  to me ..just started like me few years .ago ...are much as he can like women ...he not gay ..he thinks women are under men ..i dont think anyone are anything ..is above me!!..i tell kiss my ..in heart beat....and have ..i know he going make ray feel sorry for him ..i keep tell him ..im not waiting on his brother ..i dont wont to live with him ..i got tooooooooo much on me now ...they keep up  on me ...i dont know ..i may have to fine me place to go ..maybe put in news papper .good women .funny ,,cute ...dont like lot of ..and dont eat much . it never work .....i have put in there too..pain in  like do things her way ...rotten ,tell you what she thinks ..like go fishing ..see and do new things ....no never work ...oh well i just may have to start..i dont belive in killing myself ..in my internet life ..i had 2 people say good thing about me ..that was cool best part my day ..thank you ...night ally

......ok im tell a gost story ..one day there 4 kids going to school ..one sat in back looking out the window ..saw a car that had run off brige ..it was a road that had verry little people came down ....it ..kid said stop man ..he did ..this kid got out as fast as she could ..there arm stucking out ..of car ..she tell the other kids get help now ..go call ...she runs down hill jumps in cold water ...i just tell you know ..it was a women ..she dead ..and stuck ..cold ..and her eyes still open .. her mouth open ..and there something in it and kid new her ..well ..she been her paper women for years ..stop everry sunday and had gave her candy ....she left her ..she could not get her out ..she came close to dieing herself ..water was real cold ..cops came ..they pull car out ..girl told  cops who she was ..then they made kids leave ...a year went by ...this kid got job with her aunt ..working at night bust tables one night she and her aunt ..driven  home from work .it late on weekend little fog ..they see women on the brige ..they deside to stop see  if women need help ..at frist kid saw she looked gray ..but  leand out of the car ..and said ..mam you need help ..women turn ..the kid new her ..it was the paper women ...she opened her mouth ..there a pincel in her mouth ..the kid had never know what the paper women had in her mouth she rember she was alway chewing on one ..she tried say something paper women ..kid said my god ..her aunt took off ....fast ..yes im kid ..did i see gost ..i know the women all my life ..i saw her ..my aunt saw her ...the other 3 kids saw her ..but it years at a party ..they talk about it ..scott ..even got sick ..his brother .. david ..said he cant talk about it ..he said they togetter they saw her ..scott had go to hosp ..for shock ..i know nothing about this til that night ..i should got out of that car ..found out what she try to tell me ...paper women and her hubby had broke up ..he beat her lot ..she talk my mom lot ..she findly  left him ..and they didnt know  ...never did ..why she ran off the brige ..am i crazy ..most likely ..this is something ..i dont talk about .just .so you know ..and them 4 kids .said they never talk about it to each other again ..we havent ..did they see her ..i was not there ..cant say ..but i did ..face to face ..you can belive me are not....i belive i did ..with all my heart ..no one can change it ... but you can try ..boo ..night ally

i dont konw if anyone could read what i wrote ..last night ..i on lot of meds lot ..they got my son last night ..put in jail ..for something that was drop ..like year ago ..state pick it up ..if they do what they say ..he be going to big house for few years ...this stuff happen before he got clean ..so i dont know if did it ...meth ..make you do some crazy stuff ..but he still my son ..i love him ..its over a check of my moms ..i still think he needs rehab ...but i dont wont him get it like this ..my hubby gets hurt ,my aunt dies , i get sick ,and now this ..im feeling like im going lose it ..i just wont giveup ...to much stuff keeps happen to ones i love ...i cant help any of them ...by way my mom just email me ..said the man cops found with checks ..was there at her house ..he even told her to call cops ..but he one had them ..but he told cops he got from mike my son ..it didnt stop him from cashing one for 4500$...i dont know if mike did it are not ...are new about it ..i need stop freck out ..im sick and shakeing ......i wont to ..cant eat ..all by myself at home right now ..no one to talk to ..so im verry glad i have you all.........so thinks for being by friends ...love ally

my son went jail ..one was one druges ..but he clean now ..for something that happen back then...the chages was droped ..state pick them up ..i dont know if did it are not ...i know its sucks ..i paid money to keep him out jail ..then thay wait a year ..pick back up ..said we going give him few years ..smart  cop ..how do i feel ..im sick to my cant eat ..well thats my day ...............ally

cat is baby couger  ..red head is one my oldest friends ..this  pic took 10 years ago ...the baby couger was cold .....how am i doing today ..better .even know all bees out ..kelpt try get me ..that been bad ...im going tell you store ..about last time i got stung by bee.the way i saw it .....i come in from taken lisa my baby girl  drop her off .verry early in morring ..just get day light .came in house ..trun on light ..bees got me ..on hand on ..one little fanger ..hurts like hell ...i took some benadryl..im real tired ..so i change in little suit you just pull up ..i get in bed ..think i got pee ..so get up go to bathroom ..im set on pot ..my heads was going crazy ..i think im going passout...... they going  found me butnaked ..like elvis ...on pot ...so i got this plan ...i standup give it yank up ..hope it gose allway up ..i think at lest my but be covered up ...so i did ...i hit floor ..put it was up ..last thing i thought before i passed out ..is this going hurt ...next thing i know ..i cold ..i lay on floor im not sure how long i been there ....i try get back up ..i go out ..so i crowed little at time to my bed ..never made it on to bed ..one my sons came over ..all i could get out was hops ...now ..he pic me up run me to car ..i thinking  my son is grownup ..strong ..he careing me like im nothing ..he took me down road ..told one his friends mom ..he took me out my car put me in hers ..all she kelpt say all way there ..if you passout ..im frick out run us off road ..i thinking ..im glad we in her car ..then i got sick all over her car ..im fighting not passout ..i know i didnt have long .... felt bump ..i look up ..i see we pull in driveway of hosp ..i pass out ..next thing i new ..someone mess my arm ..the i felt someone pick me up ..running with me ..i open my eyes ..i shock ..even now ..it my dr .. he havey set man .not tall ..at all ..i thinking he better not drop me ..then i thought at lest i not fall far .form ground .then i thought i hope he dont fall on me ..i passout ..it must been some time later ..most time though this hole thing i couldnt see ..i could feel hear  and think ...it was crazy ...to me even today ...next thing i hear we loseing her ..2 or 3 times ..next thing i know ...my nose poped ..blood went every were ...and women drove me to hosp.. said you gave her to much ..then dr .said in mean voice i had too ..she gone ....then i went back out ....then next thing i know ..they  talk me ..said you are upside down we did it keep blood to your brain ..i thinking i dont feel upside down ...im going put bed down ..i got sick ..i could see some ....there hole room full of people in there ....i laid there fore a time ..dr came in said sight this ..i did ..then i ask him can i go home now ..my son got my car ..at my house by self ..he said how old he ..i told him .he said that grown ..he be ok ..i said its my car and house ....he got weelchair i got in it ....i thinking they let me go home ..i closed my eyes ..next thing i know i in room ..i look him said what hell i doing in here ..he said get bed ..i said i got go home ..he said get in bed ally ..you need think about you ..you staying ....i told you he my dr ..they had me hookup so much ..stuff me ..i had use bed pan ...i lay there ..thinking ..i need call home ..but i didnt rember my phone no. i so messup ..so i just started calling ..someone pick up ...i told who i was ..ask if they new me ..i about give up ..someone said i know you ally ...i said hay man do you know my phone no...yes i got my car that day ....i had hole room full of people ...see why today was hard ..but i feel better ...night ally............................................p.s bee died i killed it after he sting me ...

this pic was took two week before i had my last son ..i know im small ..but i was little ..at 7 month w/89 pounds ..i almost died ..pic .i just got up ....my hair been looking like this .only my hair longer now ..its had been days ..i brushing it few min. ago ..i ask you brushing your hair now ..before you go bed ..i not got out my night close ..now im taken baths .change from one nighty to anothere .thats about all im doing ..im still sick ..but that not why ..i think im depressed..real bad ..i feel like no one likes me ..i feel hurt ..dont know why ..i know i need hide it better .i not left house but one or two  we got my aunt in ground ..i not been out side in week ..maybe i have a depresion ...i feel sick of it  all to ..see im new to this...i realy dont know whats going on with me .dr one said i had depresion..i did make it see him ..he told me to email him ..this week didnt do it ...i know i should be happy have a dr on call ..24/7...not like lot of people loseing there houses ,jobs ,not have money pay there bills ..i know how it feel  ..not have things you need ..at one time my life i  was like that ,,...now im good ..soon i be even better like 6 more months ..but we could get call anyday realy....my aunt dieing been bad ...i just dont understand myself right now ..i almost died 2 times this year ..i need be happy im live bee sting ..my heart stops ..i get stung .i in town ..by hosp..they still had work on me for hrs ..both times ..im always on look out for bees ..i dont know why bees and stuff like that always pissed off at me ...i told it could be my suger ....i must be too sweet are something ..take care all ..night ally

im still sick..im sick of it ...im sick of being sick ....i live  ..i know ..how was my day up and down ..lights went off about 2 hours ...today ..i dont know why ..it wasnt raining bad are nothing ..been feeling those feeling today ..just wash over me ..i cant stop them ..im not happy with that ..im takeing meds for it ..im still doing it ...i dont know why i feel something so bad going happen ..that as it wash over i can not move ..i feel sick ..my hands shake ..im not scard of much ..but i am of feeling like this ..then i feel so sad ..i miss my aunt lot ..xmass going be real hard ..we never ever missed xmass togetter ...there is no word i could say ..to let you know ..how much i loved her...are how much i miss her ..why god took her i need her most i dont know ..and  the way she went ..i dont know ,,,,.....i gess i got just deal with it ...there nothing i can do ..i feel as if my life is out of control ..and verry sad ..did you know some of the funnyest people are sadest people ..i know most time i seam happy ..in away i am ...but i have my days..im glad i have found some friend on here ..but if i ever say something that makes you mad at me ..im sorry ..i never wont do that ....im tried of crying in my cereal...pic is of tolodabend lake on texas side ..my back yard ..i going drown myself but water too cold ..not realy..but i do have bad thoughts ..im sorry im sad today ..i may be happy tomorrow who knows ........night ...ally