Taking myself off the medication is not a good idea.  I have greater difficulty coping with the ups and downs of having this disorder.  The thoughts tend to stay.  I am in the process of letting the thoughts pass which have been more difficult without the medication.  I am doing better now, especially since I have pinned in in my journal.

Are these exaggerated?  Are most wives promiscuous?  Some of them are violent in nature and I feel that my thoughts are getting worse and worse.  Here are the stories.

A woman and man fall in love and get married.  The couple owned property.  The man was absorbed in his work to the point where the wife felt neglected and taken for granted.  To look for love she seeks out other men.  The sex wasn't because she hated her husband, but she felt that he was married to his work and she was bored.  She intially stepped out to be with her friends and for a time it worked.  Her neglect and loneliness seemed to be neverending and she had affair after affair after affair to occupy her time.  The couple began to grow apart and she fell in love with another man.  The husband begin to realize that it was a little too late to no longer neglect his wife.  The wife liked to have a good time and spent it with other men.  Then one day, tragedy struck.  She woman was killed in a car accident leaving her husband with their child, but it turns out the child was the other man's.  She had 30 affairs all because her loneliness was great.  The husband finds out and grows bitter towards the wife and the child to the point where he became abusive towards the child

A woman had 20 affairs on her husband and her husband finds out and he kills her.  The reason being was that she grew tired of him and stepped out on him.  He also kills the lover she was in bed with.  The husband dismembers her as well.

A woman had 24 affairs on her husband because she could.  She was a thrill seeker and liked the attention of other men.  She made the tragic mistake of sleeping with the 24th man, in their bed.  Upon finding out, the husband goes out and gets his gun where he fires a shot  and then puts the gun out on the two lovers.  He nearly kills her, but he didn't.  Instead he divorces her.

I need to take up a brand new hobby.  I find myself interested in learning more about pipes.  Just collecting them, not smoke them.  I just feel that I am in need of excitement because I have no life.  I have none outside of the house.  I think that there is much I do but I am in need of not doing the same things over and over and over again.

I am here to write about two other thoughts that were bothersome to me.  Not only did I cry a lot, but I also have had headaches.  Rather, they are migraines because I have nausea.  I have been waiting for the thoughts to go away, but I can handle them now.  Maybe the nausea and headaches are a sign of what is going wrong with me.  Exercise has been of great benefit to me.  I hope that things would go well.  I have been under a lot of stress.

I have been having thoughts about the same things over and over again.  They are about extreme cases of infidelity, where the wife cheats on her husband with lots of men.  I even did a lot of research on why spouses cheat.  It has been of help as to why they cheat, even though it only helps temporarily.  The truth is, I will never know and it is hard to let go.  In order to be cured, I have to let it go.  The worse case scenarios are what has been bothering me.

I have had headaches for the past two days.  It is I believe because I have been  having thoughts.  I may have had a sinus condition.  I am feeling better now but I still have pains.  The thoughts  have been troubling to me as of late.

I'm just bored.  I took the dog outside and I am still trying to wrap around my  head t he thoughts that I have.  My mind is still trying to interpret what they mean.  It is too hard to understand and I think that I will always have thoughts.

Twenty three years ago my father died.  I was twelve years old.  My thoughts are now on his passing.  That night was a night I wish never happened.  I just don't deal with my thoughts like the therapist says but not even that is easy.  The best I can do is let God deal with it.  I have feel that I regressed somewhat since my thoughts have returned.  I can look back and realize that the mystery has been solved.  The OCD wants me to ask what the thoughts mean so since it is the OCD I think that I don't have to wrap my head around what it means and such.  I realize that it does not matter, especially if it comes from a fictional source.  Reasoning it out makes it worse, so I don't do that.

I just got up from a rather long nap.  I am now watching a story about a woman who kidnapped her friend's baby.  I don't know how some people would have done this.  But the good news is the mother got her 2 week old baby back.  The kidnapper said that she was pregnant and was 2 weeks overdue.  Interesting the time line.

I feel just fine.  I have taken my medication and cried buckets.  Okay, close to it.  Yesterday's journal entry was just off the fly and made no sense.  Maybe that is why I got no responses.  I am not fearful but I am still in need of work.  I have made a video dedicated to our troops, but I have already gave you this address.  What is the difference between Veterans' Day and Memorial Day since both of them celebrate our troops?  I guess Memorial Day is a celebrate of those who have lost their lives, no?

I am feeling okay as everyone has noticed. Right now, the ditch of our yard is flooded with rain and it is supposed to rain again tomorrow.  I don't know why it is but Wednesday is a day where the lights go out, we have bad weather, or it seems to be the coldest.  The coincidence is there.

I look forward to Thanksgiving...and Christmas as well.  I love this time of the year.  So far I have lost a few pounds and I feel so much better.  I need all of the strength I can get so I hope to do better.  I lose an average of 1.5 lbs a week so I hope to continue to lose that weight.  I have over 70 lbs to go so, it seems daunting but I didn't think I would lose the weight I have lost.  So I am happy with my accomplishments.

I have troubling scenarios that make me angry sometimes.  Like for example, a woman had 17 affairs because she was unhappy.  It makes me angry.  Why don't she just leave.  Maybe it is exaggerated.

Sometimes I could use a spiritual makeover.  I can get curious at times and curiosity is what killed the cat.  I look at pictures and go to sites I know I should not go to.  But they cause me fear for a moment and when I now look at a picture that is scary.  I find that they are nothing scary.  That is how it is with my thoughts.  It is best to resist understanding a thought.  It is okay to confront the fear.

I am tired, but okay.  My mind has been on full blast this morning having thoughts that aren't bothersome but annoying.  I wish they would just go away.  What helped was prayer, and not trying to moralize and also realizing that I have "been on that road before".  I hope that all of you understand because sometimes I tend to be a bad communicator of words.  I don't always word things correctly.  So sometimes I have that problem.  I am here to write that I spent over an hour or so working on the yards while my brother and his wife cut the vines off of the fence.  I hate it when thoughts come when you are busy.  It has happened to me quite a few times. 

I have not been writing as much because I have as much today.  I would like to ask about which other sites to go to.  I go to the same few sites all the time with the same interests.  Frankly, the internet bores me and that is scaring me.  I do have a problem with fear true, but not to this point.  I want to go all the way through the internet and expand my daily reading of sites.  I have many interests but I want to indulge and have new ones.  I go to the same 15-20 sites everyday and I don't know where I should begin.  That is the problem with my life.  I have a limited social life, I'm looking for transportation so that I could get to work.  The jobs are out there, but the transportation issue is a little tricky.  That is even harder than finding work.  It is not as if I am unqualified but because of this economy the jobs have grown more scarce. 

Now about the naps.  They do me a lot of good.  I have had an interesting day in terms of my mind.  I had a more manic day and now my mind is calmed down.  I have thoughts of cheating military wives, particularly those who are promiscuous.  I know why I have these thoughts.  They are based on strong opinions that I have of morality and religion.  It is such a sad situation that people feel that they have to cheat in order to deal with loneliness, sadness, and pain.   Thereby, they don't realize that it causes more pain.  Anyways, those are the thoughts that I have.  My biggest fear?  That I will "encounter" a real life scenario of these thoughts that will trigger new thoughts.

I haven't taken my medication in a while yet strangely I am feeling so much better.  I realize it is actually based on how I can take care of myself.  I have had so many thoughts that I believe the side effects are a fast beating heart, worry, lack of focus, and fear and dread.  I have suffered from all of these for the past few years now and I am recovering though I still have my thoughts.

Right now I am watching the report on 7 people killed at the Air Force base, and 12 were wounded.  This is a rather scary situation and I will pray for all of those involved.  I hate to sound calloused but I have noticed that when I focused on reality, my thoughts lessen.  What happened in Texas is far more important than anything that is unreal stemming from thoughts in my head.

What is so sad is that I am afraid that i am  having thoughts that are triggered by the shooting.  I am having thoughts about women who are promiscuous as their husbands are out there serving the country.  It is a sick thought to have, but that is what is going on.

I can do it.  There were people who don't think that they can do it, and I was one of them.  There are a lot of things that I didn't think I can do.  That was because I have tried and failed, or simply, I didn't try at all.  I was afraid.  I was simply afraid.  Fear has affected every area of my life.  I am afraid of what others think.  I feel like I am walking on eggshells.  I cannot take that anymore.  What is the best way to overcome fear?  Sometimes, I feel like I am fighting a losing battle.

I got back about an hour ago from the podiatrist for my mother.  She had to have a cyst removed and I believe that now she is taking pain pills.  She just received her medication.  I have my good days and my bad days.  I hope to conquer my fears and doubts.  Thanks to all who have written to me.

I guess I should have written this, but  I wonder if this is common among Christians.  Christians are supposed to be confident and sure.  That is what I think.  I say that I am a Christian, but I really do not think I am not lost.  I have had doubts about being a Christian and I know why.  I have sinned and I know all have or will sin during their lives.  I did things that I am not proud of and I have difficulty conquering fear.  I had to deal with thoughts that I have little control of or rather have reacted to.  The voices and thoughts have often scared me.  I feel like going back and starting over.  Sometimes I think I am lost and not saved or born again.  I want to be born again more than anything.  I wonder what is wrong with me or is it normal for a Christian to feel this way?

There was a woman who had 26 affairs because she was spiteful to her husband, the first of which came shortly after her marriage.  She thought her husband was unfaithful and also thought that she was being used.  She didn't feel that he loved her, so she cheated.  One of those affairs was a woman.  Everyone knew she cheated so that was a part of  her reputation, a promiscuous woman.  Another version says that she had many more affairs than 26.  She slept with a lot of men and women in town.  The man who she had the first affair with saw her for what she really was and the affair ended.  Needless to say, the husband, the cuckold, actually loved her and wished that she would repent of her adulterous ways, but she never did.  One night, he suddenly died.  At first she did not grieve, but realized that she was wrong the whole time.  He was faithful and that he did love her.  She hated herself for what she had done to him because of her guilt.  She wished that she could have him back into her life, but it was too little, too late.  She met a new lover, and vowed to be faithful to him.  She learned to do better next time.  The widow loved her husband and was faithful to him and he was to her.  She became a changed person, but never forgot her last husband.  All in all, she wished she was a good wife to him, but realized that now, she has a second chance to become one.  She has since repented of her sins and now life has gotten better for her.  She and her  new husband had 2 children in place of the son that she had previously from one of her affairs.  She was cold in the last marriage and treated her husband badly.  She may have known the child was his, but he never cared.  Neither did she.  Now she wished she had.  Though she never loved him, she was grateful and eventually she was lonely.  She loved this new man and knew that she couldn't get away with being unfaithful and being spiteful and cold.  She  had lost a sense of direction when her first husband died.  She had lost her identity when he died.  The second husband died after 30 years of marriage.  Now she was widowed again and grieving, but she never forgot the blessings and the love that both men gave her.  The end.

I was at the therapist's office yesterday and he gave me advice I never thought I would get.  He said to stop dealing with it.  We all have thoughts and cannot control them.  We all have decisions to make, but we cannot control the thoughts that "appear", but we can make a decision as to how to deal with them.  It is a rather complex thing to understand for me, but it makes sense.  He also told me not to write anymore or even to confess it.  He even told me that I needed a plan, such as not avoidance, but not to go on searching for what a movie is all about, searching for why women cheat or what not.  Also, he made the advice to not watch shows that will exacerbate my thoughts such as anything sexual, which is not easy with the tv shows out there these days.  So it is best for me to watch sports.  Also not reacting to those thoughts are helpful, though that is the hardest thing to do.  I learned that doing what is hard is what helps with my thoughts.  They are largely gone, but I am not cured.  The saddest thing would be what were to happen if I were cured.  I have gotten so used to them.  They have become a part of my daily life.  I didn't like them, but I have learned to accept them, which was also quite difficult.  It has been about balance.  How do I write them without asking for reassurance?  How do I confess them without going into that danger zone?  How do I cope with having these thoughts without trying to resist them?  How do I ignore them and be productive without wishing that these thoughts would go away?  For instance, I wonder how many and why.  I would make up a story by writing them or having somewhat of a "psychic" inclination about the stories.  Say someone slept with the entire town, I would "predict" or have the inclination that said someone slept with upwards of 22 men because she was lonely because the husband was always working.  Maybe she liked excitement, but she always cheats whenever he is working.  Then I would try to understand what it means.  I know what it means, but the OCD says that I need to wrap my head around it and "learn" about it, which means, doing a search and asking others if that is an exaggeration of what actually happened.  Being this is Halloween, it is scary in itselt..at least to me it is.

Over time, life becomes easier and more manageable.  The thoughts I have are getting better.  I don't allow them to bother me anymore.  It is quite weird how the mind works. 

I have another appointment tomorrow.  I wish that I could be okay but I'm not.  I hate having to go to various appointments and talk about the same thing over and over.  I do feel like I am getting cured.

What happened to me was nothing short of a miracle.  One of the main people who made fun of me was nice to me.  He just said hello.  that was the thought that broke everything.
I was inspired and remembered that I did well in life even though there were things I regretted.  I didn't hurt anyone, start fights, or humiliate people.  i don't have any regrets about that.

People change.  I have changed.  I have become more assertive and I am a work in progress.  I guess that I will always be a work in progress.  I am responsible for my own actions and my own mistakes.  I am also responsible for how I live my life and conduct my affairs. 

As for what triggers those thoughts, I have gotten a better handle on them.  I am not completely cured, but I am getting there.  Sometimes confronting those fears help.  Sometimes they start up a whole new set of thoughts, but I realize that I have dealt with them before.  I have my good days and my bad days.  I have grown to understand what the thoughts mean and that some things are reality based.  Others are not so real.

I had a fear yesterday that I will hear something extreme that is based on my thoughts.  I also had the fear that it will happen soon.  I do know why I have them, but at the same time, I don't know why they occur.

I find myself going to the doctor this morning and most everything is okay.  I lost 4 of the five pounds I gained.  So that is good.  My blood sugar is normal but I have a long way to go and I hope to lose this weight within the course of a year.

I have learned to ignore those thoughts that I have.  I have also learned to differentiate between the ocd and reality, which helps.

Right now, I am listening to/ watching a novela.  I like watching them.  The one I am watching is called Mi Pecado.