I've been keeping busy alot with the trip and my friends book. I haven't been overdoing it, but I have been doing alot. I have been so busy that I can't remember if I heard any voices. Anytime I go without voices the more I become inspired that they will one day disappear. One can hope. Its more than hope. For years I heard voices everyday, all day now its only a few hours and then some days where there isn't any. I thought that I would hear voices for the rest of my life. I now think I can defeat them.
We leave for Oklahoma on Friday. We will pack the car tonight and when I wake up on Friday we'll get dressed and go.
I made some sugar cookies. OMG! They are good. My coconut macaroons turned out nice too.
I hope you all have a nice day!Keep your feet on the ground, the sun on your face and the wind at your back. Live, love, laugh, learn, listen, David
I wrote this in a response to a friend's comment to me. I want her and all of you to enjoy it.
Always
There will always be a sunrise
There will always be a nightfall
There will always be a wind
There will always be love
There will always be an outstretched hand
There will always be a friend in need
There will always be the respect and care of others
There will always be one of me
There will always be all of you
There will be a new thing to see
There will always be all that you can be (Sorry about the Army slogan)
Peace my friends
Keep your feet on the ground, the sun on your face and the wind at your back. Live, love, laugh, learn, listen, David
The desktop computer crashed. We went and bought a new. Its our Christmas present to each other. We were thinking of buying a tv for the living room but decided that the tv that's there now hardly gets used. So we bought the new puter. Its gonna be here in 7-10 days.
Today we have to take Frappe to the vet for a shot. Last two times we took him, he slipped his collar. He's good at that. When we first got him I was walking down a busy street when he slipped his collar. He was running in and out of traffic, having a good ole time while I chased him. He almost got hit several times. I finally called Margaret, she brought the car over and Frappe jumped right in! That's the last time I chased him.
Friday we're heading to Oklahoma. I'll tell ya I need the break.
My son called and said they won't be down for Christmas. He said the car was acting up. He also didn't like the menu choice. Well whatever the reason they ain't coming. When will take the presents to them when we can.
I feel alright. The voices are quiet. WOOHOO!
My ex wife has been trying to find about me. She wanted my parents email address. I've been talking to my niece who says that my ex has been asking alot of questions. Thankfully my niece won't tell her anything. Ever make a mistake and end up paying for it for years? I am. I have no contact with my ex yet she still is bothering me and my family.
Things are good.
Thank you all who commented on my last post. I learned a great deal from all of you.
In Oklahoma there's a church about 2 or 3 miles from where we are gonna stay. I plan on going. I have to remember that the church is about God and His plan for me. I will be patient and keep going.
Take care all of you! I need you!
peace,
Not to be a downer but I don't have anywhere else to let out these things.
In August I decided that chuch would be a good place to meet friends. Wrong again Dave!
I talked to the Bishop (he's the leader) he told me to be patient. Normally I am a patient man. I can wait in traffic for long periods of time and feel at ease. Margaret tells me I never beep my horn at anyone.
My social fear of saying something stupid is always there. I don't talk much because it comes out as jibberish...thus the fear, the withrawal. I do have a new way of doing things. I read the scriptures and pray everyday..without fail! So why am I so self conscious at church. I sit alone and talk to very few. I know I need to step up and swim out to my ship that hasn't come in yet. WHY LORD MUST I BE FEARFUL OF OTHERS? Yesterday I ran out of church so fast. Is this the way its done?
Even though I am struggling to overcome the "wallflower" effect I will still go to church.
Next Sunday we will be in Oklahoma. We're leaving this Friday and coming home the Saturday after Thanksgiving.
I know that I must ask for help. My irrational mind tells me that I can do it myself. Its hard to ask for help.
I feel like I'm in a self imposed prison. I try to "break out" but ultimately fail. I am taking the Bishop's advice by taking my time. When do I know if I'm there?
I said I have nowhere to turn, Margaret isn't supportive with me going to church. She told me not to preach at her yet she bad mouths the church everyday. That brings me down. Makes me think if this is right. My mind is confused and has no place of solace. Maybe she's right in that church isn't gonna help me. I tell myself that isn't true.
I am getting to point where I don't care. This is a rare journal for me. I don't like to post downer posts. I am for the most part upbeat and positive. I WILL OVERCOME THIS AND WILL NEVER EVER GIVE UP!
Thank you allowing me to vent a bit. I appreciate all of you. Writing this post has helped.
Take care my friends,
Its Friday the 13th. Although it is, I don't feel unlucky. In fact I never feel lucky, I prefer the term "fortunate."
Anyway its the pain after ECT day. My jaw and neck always hurt the day after ECT. No need to worry tomorrow I will feel better.
Margaret and I going to the movie 2012 at 11:30 this morning. I hope it is good. We saw Men Who Stare at Goats the other day. It was corny but not too much.
I made some Peanut Butter Bread this morning. It was dry and didn't taste that good. I will not make it agian.
My wool coat wasn't ready at the dry cleaners. It may be ready early next week.
This morning I was lying on the sofa listening to the voices. They were saying one word then leave. The word changed everytime. I finally got frustrarted and got up and started to get active. "The hardest part of doing nothing is knowing when to stop."
I will leave on that note. Keep your feet on the ground, the sun on your face and the wind at your back. Live, love, laugh, learn, listen, David
It's a good day! It's almost 5am, its dark and the only sounds I hear are the refridgerator, the fish tank, and the music lyric I woke up with playing over and over in my mind.
At 7am I go for my ECT. Its been over a month since my last one. I felt good going the extra time between ECT's. I kept myself busy. I did have a few days this last week where I felt "edgy". Today will take the edge off. Thank God!
I had a pdoc appointment yesterday and here is the "gooder" news. I asked about the once a month shot. He said that it is out and very expensive so he isn't going to prescribe it. I am so relieved. The meds I'm on now are working really well. I would hate to have to go through heck if the new med didn't work as well. "If it works don't fix it."
Here's even more "gooder" news. My pdoc also asked if I would like to go more than a month between ECT's. I thought about it and told him I would like that. He told me that if I needed it I should call. I told him I will call if and when I feel myself slip.
Things are really looking up for me. I feel good and life couldn't be better. I added another recipe to my cookbook. (Don'y worry CrazyT I'm looking for that recipe.)
Take care all.Keep your feet on the ground, the sun on your face and the wind at your back. Live, love, laugh, learn, listen, David
Today is the day we remember those who gave their lives for us. They face danger everday, not knowing what their fate will be.
Let us not forget those who come home with a mental illness or a physical ailment. Thousands of military men and women are permanently damaged.
Let us not turn our back on them. Let us pray for them. They need our support.Peace,
David
I did it! I cut my November Rose. I took a pic. Its the one I have on my profile. It amazes me that after all the flowers are gone and the leaves are all gone, that one rose will bloom in the midst of despair. My November Rose.
I am thankful to be alive. My life is going in a good direction. At least now I pointed in the right direction.
I am still battling voices. Lately they are "masking" so as I don't recoginze them (There is one I know). I still will not listen to any of the crap they say. Right now I hear my daughter's roommate. I don't listen to him in real life and I sure as heck will not listen to him in my mind.
I made apple crisp yesterday. Oh my it was yummy! I read two recipes and took what I thought was best from each recipe and added a few ingredients of my own.
Today the Missionaries are coming over. I'm gonna teach them my signature dish..Macaroni and Cheese. I invited my daughter as well. She's been wanting to know how to cook it for a few months. I am gonna add both recipes to my cookbook.
Its quiet this time of the morning. I love the sound of the fish tank filter as it splashes. It sounds like the babbling brook that went by boyhood home.
I so love it when the sun comes up, it shines through the backdoor.
I have work to do. I have to clean some before my guests arrive.
Peace,
I am doing really good this morning (its 4:30 am). The morning music is gone and the voices are trying to get me to listen.... I refuse!
It was nice to see all the journals. I don't go online on Sunday's. Its my day of rest. I did help my neighbor bag my leaves. Actually they are the guy's next door, they just fall in my yard.
I stepped out of my comfort zone. At church I actually spoke up in class. It felt good to particpate. After the Sacrament and the classes they had a potluck dinner. I made banana bread and pumpkin bread. It helped set things up (I didn't do too much because it was almost done). The food was excellent and I talked to a few people. Man that felt good!!
The wonders of the world abound. I have a rose that's ready to blossom. I call it my November rose. I 'm not sure if cutting it would help it along. Any green thumbs out there?
Tuesday i invited the missionaries over for a crash course in cooking. I am gonna teach them how to bake macaroni and cheese...no its not the box kind..although I like that.
OH! When I got home from church Margaret made a casserole. It was yummy.
Life is good. It really is. Thank you all for caring nature. I am so happy that I don't have to walk alone.
Peace to all of you!Keep your feet on the ground, the sun on your face and the wind at your back. Live, love, laugh, learn, listen, David
I haven't been journaling much lately. I have been busy with other interests.
I heard voices for a short while this morning. The music played long and hard.
My cell phone is driving up a wall. I can't get my voicemails. When I bought the phone the guy asked me what I wanted a phone for..I said to talk! He laughed and said you don't wanna text? I said no! I don't have any idea how to do it. I was right because I can't even retrieve my voicemail, how would I figure how to text?
I made three small loaves of banana bread this morning. They turned out yummy.
Having the right tools do a job or project is the first step in recovery. If I don't have a screwdriver, how it is possible to screw in a screw? If I don't have a ladder how can I change the lightbulb in the kitchen? You get the idea.
Recovery (Not recovered) from my illness needs the right tools to maintain a balance. If I don't take my meds then I will suffer greatly. If a hand is extended and I do not reach back, I'm alone.
The tools I use are quite simple, meds, excerise, eating right, sleeping enough, writing a journal, taking a break from my illness and taking the helping hand that's offered.
Another key tool is giving back unselfishly. I have to remember that I am not alone. My experiences are not unique unto me alone. Many travel the same paths.
People helping people is a fundemental philosophy of caring for others, empathy if you will. I cannot go through life alone. I need help alot of times. Sometimes the help is right in front of me other times I have to seek the answers.
My tool box doesn't have all the necessary tools but in time and through time I can acquire the right tools.
Lately I've been wanting to use my illness as an excuse for the way I act. I shy away from from conversations and really want to blame it on my SZA. I know deep down that it isn't my SZA. I have been shy my whole life. So why do I have this desire to blame it on the SZA? I don't know the answer or maybe I'm unwilling to accept the truth. Anyway I ain't gonna blame it on anything. I will face the fear and overcome it.
I finally got my front tooth back. I broke my upper partial a few months ago. I went to the dentist office for a cleaning and while I was there I had her fix my tooth. Now I don't look like a jack o' lantern anymore. I can finally smile. WOO HOO!! Happy dance!!
Margaret and I went to the mall looking for a suit jacket to match my khaki pants. We found a nice one. While we were up there I wanted to show her the white suit I've been eyeing. I had no intention of buying it. The owner of the shop was nice. He said the suits were on sale. We bought it. There also was a cool shirt. When the owner lowered the price, that's all he needed to say, we bought it.
Two of my neighbors and I helped each other rake leaves. The guy across the street used his leaf blower and the other neighbor and I bagged em. All together we had about 10 bags of leaves. People helping people to pay it forward.
I will close for now.
Imagine in your mind a hospital. And then imagine the ER. In that ER picture a man on a gourney hooked up to a heart monitor. On the screen of that monitor look at the lines..they go up and down.... THAT'S LIFE!
Yesterday I felt kinda crappy at first. Today I feel really good. My heart monitor line is going up and down. I am alive!
My fear of talking to people in person is a problem. I am a wallflower. Am I gonna do anything about it? YES! I will go slow and steady. Any forward momentum is good. At least I'm going.
Facing my fears is a recovery project of mine. I face it and conqueor it. I have spent too many years running from my fears and subsquently running from myself. I have the strength and the determination. I will use every ounce of energy it takes to overcome. I am a patient man.
I am walking a path that not many agree with. That's okay, its my path.
I am well today. The morning music has stopped and no voices. Amazing! To tell the truth I'm no sure when I heard a voice. That's good that I forgot because I spent too much time trying to be rid of them and kept my focus on them. I keep my mind active through reading and working around the house.
What did I learned today? Even though the day before was crappy this day is good!
I am withdrawing from alot of things I enjoy. Bo who..right?
I am feeling shame and disgust. Nothing new there.
Yesterday at church I avoided just about everyone. I feel like I can't say anything that will make sense. I shy away and keep to myself. I so want to get to know people, but my fear is overwhelms me. I will keep trying. I am not gonna let the fear win out. I need to keep at it. For right now I will continue to go for me. Eventually I will go help others.
A woman that I talk to every week is 95 years old. She asked me why after all the years I was gone, why did I come back? I told her that I tried to do things "my way" and that it didn't work. That this is the right thing to do. Now here is her message to me. She said that her husband and her children never went with her to church. The same is with me. Margaret has no intention of going and my kids don't either. As I was talking to this woman I could see the sorrow in her eyes. I cried for her. I became more dedicated to going. When I got home I told Margaret about my conversation and that her mind can rest that she it isn't a requirement for her to go to church and that we will be together.
A few have said that by my going to church that it won't help me. I don't believe that. I am still "new" at going but I will get to where I wanna be.
This post wasn't meant to "preach." I write these things because I feel safe here.
I am going through some major changes. My swearing is just about all gone.
"If there is no try there is no do." Endure to the end I will.Keep your feet on the ground, the sun on your face and the wind at your back. Live, love, laugh, learn, listen, David
Happy Halloween to you ghosts and goblins!
Yesterday my grandson's school had a Halloween Parade. Margaret, Mandy, her roommate and I went to watch. There were superheroes like Spiderman and Superman. Lots of Power Rangers, devils and all kinds of really cool costumes. There was one small boy with his parents that was a box of popcorn. He was so cute. His parents let us take a picture of him. Alot of parents showed to watch. Dylan was a Ninja Turtle..Raphael I think. Anyway I taped the whole parade. Margaret and I dressed up too. I was Bologna and she was a Chocolate Chip Cookie.
Today I will finish the final preparations. The porch looks good. I'm hoping that we don't have rain as I Iike to put out the "blow ups.'
It should be fun. We get alot of trick or treaters. The dogs will be annoyed. They love people. I have to watch to make sure they don't run out. Frappe and teddy are fast.
Have a good Halloween night.
I received a call from a woman at the state hospital. She wants me to come up and talk to some patients. I was surprised because the last time I was there was in February. I thought they had forgotten about me. I like going there to talk.
I go full circle. I have alot of grattitude for the "Hill." I was a patient there for some time in the 1980's. They showed me how to build a life foundation of which I stand on to this day. I spent many good years there and have fond memories of the staff and patients.
It's " All Hallows Eve." The bewitching hour is upon us. My front porch will soon have ghosts and goblins to give treats to.( and maybe I'll scare a few)
Last night we watched Charlie Brown's Halloween. That movie is classic. I remember watching it when I was a child. It has been a staple in Margaret and I's house.
I love Halloween. We go all out and decorate the porch. My fog machine didn't work so we bought a "super" fog machine. When we got it home I couldn't wait to see how it worked. I set it up in the kitchen for its trial run. OMG! When it warmed up I gave it a small shot and the thing fogged up the whole kitchen! I thought the smoke alarm would go off! I can't wait to "fog" the porch. The first year we used a fog machine the air that night was heavy with no wind. The porch fogged nicely and so did the street! The fog "hung" around the street lights! That was so cool! We have 4 monsters a bat, a cauldren, several strobe lights, pumpkins and of course candy! I have to finish the porch today.
Happy Hallows Eve everyone!Keep your feet on the ground, the sun on your face and the wind at your back. Live, love, laugh, learn, listen, David
I think I broke it. Normally this time of year gets me down. The leaves are falling off the trees, days are getting shorter and not many outdoor things are possible. Autumn is a beautiful time of year.
I feel good. Its been awhile since I felt this good.
Autumn is a time for harvest. Since I don't grow my own stuff, gathering my thoughts and prayers is how I will get through this.
I am trying to relax and do less. The house is always needing something done to it. That gives me things to do. The best part is that Margaret never nags me.
The pumpkin pie I made turned out really good. This morning I made hasbrowned potatoes for breakfast. I fried some bacon, after that was fried I drained off most of the grease. Then I shredded a Russet potato right into the pan. I put a weight on them and fried em. The secret to making good hashbrowns is be patient and let them cook until brown before flipping them. After the flip pour a little of the grease on top. Put the weight back on. Cook til brown.
Well were off to the movies. We're gonna go see Toy Story and Toy Story 2, 3d double feature in a few minutes.
Take care.Keep your feet on the ground, the sun on your face and the wind at your back. Live, love, laugh, learn, listen, David
I haven't posted in 4 days. I needed to rethink my passion.
In 1997 I went from working as an outpatient at the state hospital to a full fledged state employee at another facility. It was a dream come true. I longed for many years to be a "real' worker. One that pays taxes. The first year I received a tax refund I bought a ring that I desired for a long, long time. I still have that ring. This ring brings me back to my roots. I basically grew up and around patients and outpatients at the state hospital.
During my last four years of work I began to miss being around people with a mental illness. I had a "normal" job and life. I still wanted to be around those people who I care so much for.
"Chase your passion, not your pension." --Denis Waitley said.
After finding this site in April of 2008, I wasn't sure how I would feel or what to expect. I checked out many sites before calling this site "HOME." The love and support I get here is enormous. I am blessed to be part of a network of people that I passionately and genuinely care about.
As I went along in this site I have learned the power and strength it takes to hold on just one more day. That hope is alive and well and ours for the taking.
I have made my fair share of mistakes.
One mistake is that my pride grew to large. My head inflated to the size of a hot air balloon. I am sorry for that.
I love you all and care about each one of you.
It is not my intent and never will be, that my words would hurt another.
I am pouring out my soul because I care. I do not know everything. I know that the world doesn't revolve around me. I have grounded myself.
I write because of you. All of you. I write because you are my family. You mean the world to me.
I will let go my ego and pride. My pride has hurt and I am very sorry. This pride is an awful thing. It hurts me and it hurts those I care about. I will put my feet back on the ground and take my head out of the clouds.
Thank you for allowing me to come to this site.
Take care all of you.
Be careful this journal may make you hungry.
Yesterday my beloved and I celebrated her birthday. The gold bracelet I bought looks good on her. (I couldn't figure out how to put it on her since it has 3 chains. Thankfully Margaret figured it out and I clasped it on her wrist.)
We did some shopping in Syracuse (which is about 65 miles north of here.) When we got home I threw some steaks on the grill. While I was grilling she made a chocolate pie. We had a toss salad and the steaks. It was a good meal.
After "linner" ( that's what we call the meal between lunch and dinner.) I made some molasses cookies with a "brown butter frosting." The cookie dough has to be in the fridge for at least 3 hours. I made the dough on Wednesday. I was very surpised as to how easy the dough rolled out. I don't have much luck when it comes to rolling dough. The cookies were very good.
So that was our day.
Today I worked on Jim's book. Its coming along nicely.
I feel pretty good this morning. The voices are fairly quiet and the music is off somewhere waiting for me to listen. I don't have time for them right now. Too bad voices and music, you can play some other time, that is if I feel like letting you in. In fact stay away, I don't want you in..
I get my Risperadol Consta shot tomorrow. I was due for it on Wednessday. I didn't even feel the need for it. I still don't feel like I have where I get angry and anxious 3 or 4 days before the shot. Progress? Hoepfully!
Anyway life is good.
So since I don't know how to finish this journal, I will just say goodbye and have a wonderful Thursday!
