Hello all,

Ok I have been invited to some outings from a friend at work. All i know is him. I get so scared and anxious. When these things come up.. i cant seem to get myself out of my rutt and just go..

I have been speaking with someone on the puter. and now he has called me., now im afraid i will scare him away. I do tend to do that. if i like that person and i can talk to em on here and when talking to them on the phone and even meeting them.,.. i just run... i havent meet any men yet. i have been asked. but always last min i would just skip it... i dont have any friends either. i wonder if its becuase of a fobia... everyone i tend to start something with.. they run far way...

no clue.. just bummed out..

Hello all,

Well since the last time I had came on. Work is still crappy along with the workman's comp. I'm being told that while im working and coming back and forth from the work comp dr etc. this all has to come out of my time i have earned for vacation etc. This is not fair at all. I fell on their property. Not like this was a (hey man, let me fall.. it would be so fun) nottt... im wasting my time going to and fro these differnt appt. this is time i wish i could be working.

I never asked to be hurt at work. The best I would like is to be in no pain and move on.

Sent an email to my supervisor for a vacation req. this is an req, for vacation to see my 16 yr old in mass. I miss her so much, still hurts. She has been up there for almost a year in a few weeks.

along with work, workmans comp, waitin for the sup to approve my vacation time, waiting to get my sup to call other ppl to have an answer better then taking my workman comp time out of the banks world.

Along with that, my step mom putting all her crap on my shoulders again... this is a huge reason why i didnt talk to her in a long time.. There is so much crap in my life going on. Dont want to hear about the day to day of my dad and my brother playin games with her or hes drunk along with my brother.

Mind you,, my brother is almost twice the size of me and will break my neck.. he almost did a few times. Me, keep me out..

I almost had a panic attach and a feeling of wanting to cry in front of my supervisor and co workers. Man I pushed that all the way to the back. Altho i was thinkin totally about it the time of going home.

i know this is a bunch of random stuff.

I need to get back with another counsler. But with all these workmans comp things.. i cant even fit a place for that. really want to get this workman comp ova. then i can get my life running with going to see here.
Really need it here...

Thanks for reading

take care all

xoxoxo

Mel

Hello again,

The last few days, it has been so crazy. With this fall at work and the workmans comp. First of all, I certainally didnt want to fall. Im going back and forth to the doctors. Also going back and forth for physical thereapy. Along with dealing with tryin to find a flight for my lil one to mass for the summer. Trying to get my bleeepppp of a boss approve one of the weeks i asked for. The assumtion is that he can pick a week i would like.

The supervisor dont know what the heck he is doing. im having to call around to file the damn claim for my fall. he couldnt do that, oh no thats not his job..( it is his job) also FMLA with my daughters surgery, my dads cancer and my heart,. Hes an but on that to.. This is all he has to do.. but he doesnt i need to. i can run out of time to fill out the papers to get approved or not.

work is puttin my in my death bed. im so damn run down. i cant sleep at nite.. well i can go to sleep at first but i get up a few times. this has happened all this week. I wake up like its time to go to work. or like im in the middle of a dream i dont remember..

well i wanted to vent a lil..

tc all

Mel

Hello ppl

I dont know y i feel this way about my ex. the hate i feel for him. the way he acts like hes better then me. yes hes remarried and he moved into her house. So hes all big on where he lives. and so on....

The thing is when he drops alyssa off. i look at him and i have a little tingle in my heart. When he leaves, Im giving myself a hardtime with i had felt. Maybe im just envious that he has a life with someone and i dont. i just have my kids. I havent been on a date for over a year or so.

So whats wrong with me. I dont think there is anything is. But im so damn lonley. When alysa goes with her father. I barely leave the house. End up eating more then the norm.

im still dealing with the work thing when i fell. im supposed to get pt for a few weeks. i hate this also.

im so damn down on myself. i hate myself. dont know what else to say. my daughter just came home.

mel

Hello,

Today is one of my worst days of my life. My whole day was going wrong. well at three this afternoon. I figured that i would get some fresh air.. What good that did.

We have palm trees in the area when u walk into my work. well i walk out. and the freakin pebbles should be in the square of the tree. Well someone was messing with it.. There were two pebbles out an i didnt relize it... I twisted my anckle fell flat on my face. I bruised my knee really bad. i poped a few blodd vessels on my palm. The other ankle i tiwsted also.

Well I went to a workman comp. dr.. he had exrays, etc..... the grrr gave me two many braces. i brused my knee... he gives me a knee brack. just brused my palm. he gives me a hand brace. and the angle braced........ well let me tell u... i dont need anything else. just the ankle brace...

I know I will be hurting super bad in the am. I cant clime steps up and down. and the dr didnt even say lay ur legg up.

no go back to work the next day. dont put ur ankle or knee up. on top of that I have to take the hours out PTO. Why should i have to pay for it. i dont place rocks out so i can hurt myself.. im  not looking for anything... just to have no pain...

sorry all. im really upset...

thanks all..

melissa

Hey,

Ok, I am trying to keep up with this site. Well since my lil ones surgery. I have been stuck in this house for a long time. My anxiety is going thru the roof. The control of screeming and havin the attach, and the bipolar is just running in and out of my mind. I have finally seen my father and step monster. Whiie at thier house, all this drama that was going on since i last spoke with them. just spillin out. The hole reason I havent went ova for a while. reason for that is the drama. I have drama in my life and i need to control. i couldnt go ova as much. i cant do it. i have soooo much going on in my life. the extra of that is blowing my mind. i was to be back at work today. but my lil one was not feelin well again.. not sure if now she doesnt want to go back to school. i have to go back to work. and when i say im going to call the dr.. an hour or so shes feeling better. well the reason i stay home. if she says she is sick. i know the school with call and have me running from work and picking her up.. it may be sounding like im only thinking of me. but i cant have her dad help. well hes away yet again with his wife, it pisses me off that i have to do alll the taking care of my daughter. and that also makes me go out of my mind.. he could have helped me with her during the surgery. let me see. he made it for the day of the surgery. he got the scipts and hauled butt... ohhh no dont stay with ur daughter the first day or hour she just gets home... i litterally had to hold her up, tried to pick her up to get into her bed. he stood and watched... he has called once. i had to run her on friday to the dr cause she threw up blood.. i called him and he said.. well just call afta she gets out. i did and he was.. ok then.. not i will call later to see if she is ok.. nope nope. he is remarried with 2 step kids 18 and 16, his son is also 18. well what room does my daughter fit in over there. they can come and leave at anytime. when its his weekend. well he cant get her cause they are going to celebrate this and that. blah blah.. the main poin is to spend time with his daugter....

Meli

Hello all,

Its been a very long time since I have been on here. So hard to get on.

Well, what has happened in life i need to speak about

The end of the year and the begining of this year sucks but. There has been on or the other things in my life. My father has cancer, heart condition, syrosis of the liver ect.. well the other day my dad went out with my brother. he went to dinner( ya right) when they got home, my dad was so drunk, He got out of my brothers truck. He fell on is face. had to go to the hospital.

Mind you I hate my step mother. But she took him in, told security that she did this to him. and of course they are going to look at her. then he told the medical staff that hes an alcaholic. He has lost his mind. My dad is barely holding on. he just want to be left alone. he has been sick so long. he just wants to die.

Today I took my 10 year old to get her tonsils and adnoids out. she has me so drained is killin me. I know she heeds attention. But when it comes to taking a bath and washing her. Well That she can manage on her own. I told her I loved her but she can ask for things but that was just out of the question. her pain meds wore off and she was great to get things on her own and so on. god I love her so.. But now im strugglin on foods to give her. they say soft food. well how much of that is out there. I dunno. ohh ya my ex husband managed to go in the hospital for her.. well lets see... he was just another body. i had to dress her take her to the bathroom to go potty. i had to haul her 96 lbs around. trust me i dont complain about myself doing it.. but he could of manage to help me get to the bathroom. he went to get her meds.. i had to hang on to me up the stairs etc. he was gone for two hours. he went to lunch at a pizza place and then he came with the meds... stayed 5mins didnt spend anytime with her. he left to go home to his wife. all her kids are grown. he has no worries... well as on my i have to take care of this all by my self. i want to kick him so hard he wouldnt be able to walk.

my oldest that moved up north.. she is doing sooo great. she has been high honors since she moved. i miss her, but its to good for her,. shes working, has a bf and doing her homework, getting great grades.

myself and my life... well lets see... im going to become an old maid, no one around me has asked me out. i have every other weekend to go out. but no one around here is just plain old trailer trash. when i go to work. everyone has someone in their life. straight, and has partners. what is so wrong with me. maybe im to picky. i duno. but instead of drinkin, i have been eating. gained some weight. i have been up and down in my weight. it all has to do with my being depressed. when im happy im great and loose weight like mad.

omg i have went on and on. im going to really try to get on more often...

thanks for reading this if u got this far.

god bless...........OH YA, AND DEALING WITH MY HORRIBLE SPELLING..

Mel

Hello all,

Long time no enteries. Well I am having a fustration at work. I was handling a call with a collector in another department, She was raising her voice at me. Well my boss was walking by. He grabbed the phone and spw the ppl on the line. He tottaly walked off and had another take care of this account. I had already someone working on the account. the person he gave it to had to contact the same person that was working on the account. Well I felt that he thought I was incompetent to do the same job the other co-worker did after he passed it off. Well myself and the person that was assisting me was really aggitated with the boss and the other person asking for the same doc's. Well I was to be trained as a back up to the team lead in the department I am working for. Now he has the same person conducting the same job I am to be assisting all with. I feel all insulted. Make my mind up. Let me know what the heck job im doing. Did i miss something, a meeting that i didnt attend. Guess so. Well I did get my boss's attn and asked to spw him. Not only about what im yakking about but the other duties that are to be done in the department. Well, Is this a waist of my time now to spw. him. Well he does catch up with me today I will hit in with both barrels. Its not correct to advise someone that your doing a certain job and then well forget and go over my head. I have been busting my butt since the team lead has been out sick. Well I guess I dunno how to do my job and my responsibiliets.

These are the ppl im going to spw. boss about doing things that are not to be done on the job. Funny huh, how they get the credit on things that i have done myself. Im soooooo steeming and shaking. I know there should be no reason i should be, its just a job. But i take my job and want to do correctly and seriously. If we do anything wrong its our butts on the line for legal issues.

The thing is, I came in with a great mind set and now its all out of wack.

well thanks for reading what i had to complain about

tc huggs

mel

Hey all,

Well the last two weeks I have gotten a child support check from my oldest father. My worry is that he would want to see her because he is all of a sudden paying me. He is in debt over 17k with my daughter. When she gets old enough the money will go to her. The ex hasnt been in my life for over 13yrs. He comes in and out when he wants. My daughter is 16 yrs and she at this time hates her father. Doesnt want to ever see him. She talks to his step brother and sister. Her step siblings are also in and out of her life. Each time she likes em and dont like em. Well, I have to go back to work.

 

I will come back on and continue

 

tc

 

melissa

Hello all,

 

My nerves are about go out the roof. And i feel a panic attach coming on. So I thought again getting some feelings out will help.

the past few days my nerves and on the edge to gettin me into a paniac attach. Im taking my meds and the dr even raised my meds. i dont know any more. seems like when i get older it gets worse. geezzz... im still dealing with my ten year old that is finding her sassy ways of saying things to ppl and being mean about it. and my oldest that is still up north. calling me and shes getting in to slight prob. i miss her so much. i asked if she wanted to come home. she said nope.

I was talking to mom that has her in mass. i was talking about xmass and she said i couldnt have her for xmas, she said she never had a xmas with her. that botherd me. seeing that she sees her all the time. i havent seen my oldest since she left in april. cant afford to get a plane ticket to go up, nor do i have anymore time at work to use. that stinks.. all the time i have taken off from work since the begining of the year for medical issues. not including my mental health. i have no more days pay and now i have to take unpaid days. in which i filled in to update my time. and for my check was more then half of what i normally pay. i just made it for rent. i have had to scrape on by for other things.

hmmmm, now that i say that,, im sure alot of that is contributin to this. along with work to.

 

well i think thats enough for know. i tend to rambple.

tc mel

My nerves are on really pissed off to the point im shaking and feel like yelling to the point im breakin mirrors and windows.

Wow is there a such thing as being nice to a co-worker. I guess not.... I found an error that a co-worker made. I brought it to her attion instead of reporting it. Well she had told me that I should of done it even tho i found the mistake, and not report her. Thus I told her she needed to correct it to cover herself. Well I guess that was a huge prob for her. She went to my manager and complained to her. Well I had a discusion with my manager after. I guess I shouldnt be nice at all and just report it and fix it myself.  Well after that convo I put it in the error logg. such a big issue also. Im waiting to talk to the other mgr that has been here longer and knows alot more.

 

You know when ur so mad, u feel like just walkin out that door and telling em what to do w. the job. But yes its real life and u cant do things like that. damn im still shaking. Im very detailed oriented. Well i guess that bites me in the arz.... ur damned if u do damned if u dont.. Well we want to play it that way, I guess a bunch of my co-workers are gettin a freakin tons of errors in the log. We have two sites one in tampa and one in AZ. We have to report on both sites. Well we said in our office in tampa we will corrrect errors and not place it in the logg. Well I did that... bit me hard..... well its sooo on... They have so many errors its crazy. Heck im not saying i dont have errors. But man.. If i have as many as them. I would be on written warning.

 

Sorry about the rambling. im tryin to calm down. in addtion to my mental prob i have a heart condition... im also trying to avoid having an prob with that.

 

So many ppl say just ignore it, dont worry its just work, let things slide. Well im not that way. I have improved alot since i started my job. but its very hard not to take things serious. i dont want to loose my job. i want to be sure im doing the correct thing. whats wrong doing the correct thing and knowing if im wrong or right.....

 

ok i guess im done ranting and raving. still dont feel better.

but hey its life.. had to vent tho anyways seeing i have no one to vent to...

 

tc peace

melissa

 

Hey ppl. Well im sure you are woundering what the topic is about. Well lets see here. Im so sick of men being so looking for airhead barbies. Because im overweight dont mean that you reject the ppl.. I AM ME, ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I REALLY AM, NOT WHO IM NOT. I WILL NOT ACT LIKE ANYONE ELSE.. IM GOING TO BE ME INSIDE AND OUT.

So as u can tell, i have ran into alot of men that are the opposite of the above. Materialistic men that want the woman to do for them.

 

On to another subject. My oldest is going to be 16 on the 9/7. She is still in Mass and doesnt want to come back home. Which I do respect. Again I dont want to be selfish. She is still doing well and has a life. She will be having a pool party this weekend with her friends and family up there. I have no money to fly up there and celebrate this mile stone in every teenagers life. And also i dont have the money to get her a gift. Sending a card is all i can do. I promised her that i will send something out in the next two pay periods. Also trying to get together a slide show of pics from xmas and until she left from florida. I hope she will really like that. My little one crys alot for her sister. She is confused on if she does want to move up there, stay here etc. If and when she makes a choice im going to be supportave.

 

I still dont have any friends and i do have more to add. So I hope soon will be a next time...

 

tc all

 

Melissa

  hello all.

Well again it hasn’t been as long then I normally am. Which is good I think. My nerves are somewhat shot and sick of backstabbing ppl. lets see, my oldest that is up north is doing great still. she’s so happy and well its so hard for me not to be there for some important things in her life. Like her first real boyfriend. Meeting the parents of her new bf. Sucks mad for me. My mom calls to update me on her and the progress she has made. Lol, she does it on the down low when my daughter is not around. So when I talk to her she has the chance to talk to me or not. But at least I know what’s up. She tells me more then my mom knows lol... We always had somewhat of a friendship in allot of ways. But the best thing is her happiness and school for the most part. Esp. if she wants to attend college.

Well what’s new in my life.... Well im in a bleeping slump. I tell myself that I will clean this and do that. Just cant get motivated to do it. I cant stand it. God I want to do it. Just started to push myself a ill. Just need to get there to push all the way. Its going to take time. Men for me are huge liars.

There is a friend I have been talking to for about a year. He’s the best friend I have never had. But lately he hasn’t been keeping in touch like he used to. Man he used to text me and call here and there. But know I have to still hunt him down. Its frustrating. There’s been allot of things I want to talk to him about. And when I do call him. We talk for a lil and says he needs to go but will call me back right after he is done so we can finish our conversation.
Well that never happens. So it frustrates me a bit. Seems like he makes time for other ppl then me. Really I just miss him and our conversations. Me busting his butt on things and him doing the same with me.

My manager has been on me. I have been having allot of health issues that im covered for under the Family Medical leave act. But god forbid I come in on a day I was going to be out. I get the but chewing of a lifetime. Well it came down that I will just not come in. What the heck. We need for me to be there for allot of things. Well I had to take it above her and got it all straighten out. Her but is now on the line. He.. I’m bad but hey. She was giving threats to me also. So I don’t roll that way at all.

My lil one has been lonely with out my oldest. But covering it up very well. A lill acting out is to be understandable. Man she has a mouth on her lol... I asked her to turn the lights out and she said to me "why don’t u do it mom, why do I always have ta" well excuse me. I told her if I ask her to do something to please do it. Not to give me any guff. I guess she’s taking over for the oldest now. I have double the trouble in one kid now.


God I have went everywhere on this one. Sorry for all the rambling I have done. But its out and I feel a bit better.

TC al

Mel  

Hey all,
   
       Well, my daughter has been in Mass for a lil over a month. Its very hard on me and I miss her everyday. Well, I didn’t think my ex husband would give me a hard time when I told him my thoughts of moving back home. Well, lets say that didn’t go ova well at all. And I neva knew that there was a stipulation in my divorce decree stating that I cannot MOVE out of state with out a notarize letter from my ex stating I can go.

Well, what the hell. I feel like I’m a kid again asking for permission. Needless to say I have talked to him and there is a cold day in hell of him letting me move out of state. Went to see many lawyers to get their take on it and my chances of wining a court battle to move. There was one lawyer that was totally upfront with me and well if she wanted to she could of taken me for my $$$. Bottom line it would cost ova 20k or more. And most likely the judge would rule in his favor. She needs her stability and doing well in school with no behavior problems. Why pull her out of this.

There is choices. I can move up north and be with one of my children and leave my lil with my ex husband. or stay here and leave my oldest up north. so its not a win win thing here. But since she has been up there instead of all the F's she was getting. She jumped to being in honor classes and loves it there. Wants to move back home. I told her to finish up the school year. Spend the summer like both my kids do every year. And at the end of the summer. What ever choice she makes I will stand behind her. She’s doing well there and striving for the best there. We shall see about that.

On the other side here. My lil one I have now.. I’m seeing her in another light. Instead of two kids and not seeing all of her along with her other side. I’m so noticing it now. WOW I have to say. She’s a smart ass in a half. She’s helpful more around the house. but more demanding of my attention. never demanding when my oldest was here. go figure on that.

I spend time with her and call my oldest everyday to let her know I love her and miss the hell out of her. She's staying with my mom and step dad. I have my whole fam up there mins my dad that lives around the corner from me. That’s all I have down here. my dad and no friends etc.

What happens in my life,hmmmm work take care of my lil one eat sleep get up and do it all ova again. I have no life for myself. in which I think we should all have a lil of time for ourselves.

I’m also dealing with my health issues along with work. It gets very trier. Gee what is life. My ex has my lil one every other weekend. So now with my daughter up north gives me every other weekend off with no one around.  and wow what I do with that... I think to myself.. hell there isn’t anything I can do.. go shopping and rent some movies. maybe the slight chance of getting to spend what little time alone with my dad.

Men in my life are little and far between. I have talked to allot and things neva panned out. I have a best friend that is on the road all the time. He tries to be there for me all the time. But really hasn’t been there the way he used to be in a while now. its a feat in its self to get a hold of him. Well what else can you say about men. most of em hate the phones anyways. lol.....

my mood at the moment. depressed, tired. not motivated, lonely, tired of being sick physically.

Peace out ppl.

TC

Mel

Hey ya'll. Its been a heck of a long time on here. I have been so busy in my life to even take time with anything, even my kids. Things have been difficult as always. But more so now then before.

I want to move from Florida to Mass. Mass is my home. This is where I was born and raised. The reason I stayed in the first place was I thought I met the love of my life at the time. So, hey why move back to mass. Now I have been divorced since 2003. My youngest is old enough to understand a move.

The only problem is that when I got divorced. I wanted it over with and amicable i screwed myself then. Never relized that I agreed to a notarized permission from my ex to move out of state with my child. So, yes I royally messed that up for myself. I have seen a lawyer, well a few different ones to be exact. A few tried to sugar coat it so they can get what money I have. But I met with one yesterday that didnt sugar coat nothing. She basically told me 1. if he agrees,great no prob easy as 1-2-3. If he doesnt, then the judge will look at the best interest of the child. Not me or my oldest. I would have to get evaulations from an agency to check out homelife etc. that costs a bundle. Basically, he says no I will not agree to this. Im stuck in the state of Florida until my daughter is 18.

So there fore I feel like im going to be a prisoner here. And I meet anyone, they have to be willing to move to Florida and or stay here in Florida with the given circumstances.

I know this is a book.. But this is just current.. not even catching up.

On top of that, my oldest went out of control on me. She had friends in my house takin my meds (supposidly) and finding empty liquor bottles. She's flunking every class with F's. He's hostil to me and my lil one. After that happen, I had to lock my meds away and get rid of any liquor in my house.

One nite, I was having a problem with my heart. I go to the locked up box to get the pills i need. I couldnt even get into it. I freaked out and had a panick attach along with my taccardia increasing. Spent 10 mins trying hard to get into the box. Finally I woke up my oldest and said help me and get this open. It took her a few seconds to get it open. She broke into it infront of me. Well, hmmm how many times has she done that.

Add everything together. She was difficult. More to her and somethings she has done. Dont have all day to go over. Long story short. Its like sending her to boarding school. My mom said for my health between my heart and mental state to send her up there to finish school. Maybe its the schooling system here along with hangin with the wrong crowd. She has been up there for 3weeks and has been as of now. Happy and loves her school. She had to interview for her school and got accepted. I have to pay for all of this. Im happy she loves it and atm Im glad shes happy.

For those who think what I did is wrong. Please I cant handle hearing negative remarks. This is a online journal... Please ppl can we treat it with respect and the ppl on here with respect. Dont judge ppl for the enteries. We all need to vent and get all this life off our chests somehow.

Peace with u all. And good luck to all with all you are going thru. I only hope and pray for the best for you...

Huggs

Mel

Hello, thanks for comments that i did get on the last post. we are now looking at my new title. IMMATURE ppl.

What I am so sick of is both genders acting like we are in freakin high school. The last time I checked,,,, hmmm we are adults.. Yes we dont always act mature. We tend to deserve those moments. But when you have ppl acting like that 24/7 it blows my mind. I DONT PLAY PPL AND I DONT WANT TO BE PLAYED. We are in the real world, if you want to have whomever, whereever then be my guest. But look at the immature ppl ur dealing with. Lying to your face about their ages, but no you cant see that. That person, youngister, isnt ur friend or anything else. they are  playing him. he sees past the lies cause their  just soooo hot... Well, good luck... they can have each other. Im sick of this. Giving me a load of bulll crap. Not talkin to me for a few days to the point of i dont know if ur alive or not. Tell me that i have been the only one you have opened up to, that i know more about you. But man it makes me think. Am I the only one that we have something special with?? im here and you are there. im not something u can pick up and put down when you feel likeit. i would rather a man be totally honest with me then lie to me all the time. Yes i would be upset. but i would know what is going on. then not knowing and being lied to. i dont want them to wastee my time and me theirs period.

I needed to get all that off my chest. The way I feel now is so much better.

THEY SAY THIS IS A JOURNAL, WE TREAT IT AS ONE.....

thank you

mel

I havent been on here for a bit. Been alot of stress going on along with the side effects of my med. This big trial thing hit me hard the last two weeks. Towards the end of this week, I got great news. No trial!! The ppl suing are settling. So I will not have to go thru preps of depo's and flyin here and there to be a witness.... So on that subject, yay me.... But on the down side of those manic weeks. I think I scared someone away. They seen a sideof me that i couldnt help. With my illnesses I cannot control what happens. I have my good days,bad days and so so days. He has drawn himself away from me the last week.

He doesnt call like he used to, txt me or talk to me on the computer. Also says we need to talk for the past few days. Cant get him cause hes busy with work.. and i understand that. Its eatin at me. I told him today we needed to talk. He said at that moment wasnt a good time for him. Then I asked when can wee talk.. Well, no response.

I freak out about stupid crap. jelous ova someone i dont know. Or I worry if he doesnt have contact with me for the most part of a day. When your used to someone having constant contact, well they stop that.. your going to worry. In which i did. he says he misses the old melissa. But there are many sides to me like a rubix cube. Having all the sides the right color is so hard to do. He isnt himself all the time. I worry when he is like that. But i guess its not ok for me to worry. he knows how much i love him. again he says he loves me. if he really did love me, he would accept me and try to be there and help. As I try to do for him. When eva he lets me in!

Maybe the love he is saying is different then what i have. I dont know and I guess if he fianally calls me and we talk will i know what its all about. I know its stupid and i should chill out but stayin in the air not knowing is drivin me nuts.

today was a great day really for me. i watched my football game yay us.. had dinner with family. then went to the horror of the stores to finish my xmas shopping. came home and chilled.

ever since the court thing as been done. i have started to feel so much better and not having so much of my medical side effects.

oh ya still have to deal with my girls being gone for the first time xmas eve and day... im going to try an be tufff... try to think of it as me time.... well i wiill try....

IF IM NOT BACK ON SOON. HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO YOU ALL.......

tc mel

Hello all,

Its been a real hectic monday for certain things at work. Pretty stressfull and i get from everyone that i need to chill out. Easier said then done.The comp I work for still has this law suit against em and im a key person for the oher side. Still getting pulled in for questions, questions i have already answered. I get deposed on thrusday. I have never gotten this done before. Im vervous as hell. YA the ppl say chill, calm down. Id like to see how they would be reactin if it was them. I have some bosses tell me out of 19yrs of working for the company there were never pulled in to a thing like this. WOW LUCKY ME.

Other then that, my daughters are going on xmas eve day and not comin home until xmas nite. I will be alone for the first time. So Im very bumbed about that....

I havent told my dad and step mom that they arent going to be here. I know poo is going to hit the fan. And man i dont want to deal with that.. But Im going to have to. Just need to get the guts up to tell em. They will be hurt also. But, they are my kids.. Im going to be hurt the most.

anxiety has been mid, bp low,panic high

 

tc all

mel

Hello all,

What I wanted to talk about is the above subject. This site is for the most of us used as therapy in one way or the other.  I feel as tho its good to get my feelings out on here. In some senses I feel better afterwards. We are not here to judge anyone. We are here to help if we would like to. We do need to be supportive to our fellow members to some degrees.

If there are things we journal and other 's dont like. Well, I am not going to apologize for anything. Im not here to socialize. If I do meet so good ppl one the way great. So far I have met some great ppl that has given me good advise.

thank you, just needed to get that off my chest.

 

mel