I am leaving Friday morning at four O'clock to be at the airport by five. I want to say farewell, but I will be back in eighteen days or so and typing away about my adventure.
     So to all of you who wished me good luck, thank you and I will do my best to have a good time,


RisperdalGuy (Bob)

Having stopped my scoop of my trip to the Philippines, I am finding it hard to think of what else to write about. The last few journals were an attempt to stray from what was truly on my mind.
     I have feelings of worry, fear of an unknown adventure which I have been driven to prepare for following the current rules of flying. The regulations and rules I have tried to follow, but the simple truth is I am trying to get away with something that may or may not be a crime.
     Taking something into a foreign country that might be breaking the rules is a frightful experience. What I have is a bag of my pipe tobacco that is close too 8.75ounces; the limit, but may be over.
     If I am questioned about it I am not sure what to say thus my fear and anxiety. Would they take it from me or fine me for the overweight part of the contents, I don't know.
     I had planned on packing coffee, sweetener and coffee mate creamer, but my better judgment grabbed me and I took those items out of my pack.
     Having not flown since the early nineties, I am nervous with all this security at airports, but on the other hand think it necessary. Having to be subject to it first hand frightens me.
     I am not guilty of anything, but the tobacco amount maybe, and still feel intimidated from the get go. Maybe I need to calm down and relax due to the fact they might sense my tenseness. Go figure.


RisperdalGuy

Procrastination comes in many forms. I admit I find reasons to procrastinate letting the inevitable get as far away as possible. Maybe it is fear or a type of guilt from past doings. Sort of the "been there, done that" syndrome.
     Putting things off can become a habit. The laziness comes in if the outcome does not; if you think that way, affect me. At the job you can get away with it only for a short time or you will find it does affect you.
     I have the habit of starting something and not finishing it, a form of procrastination. Like this journal, I will not give you a lesson in how to stop the putting things off, rather a conclusion that we all do it.


RisperdolGuy (Bob)

Have taken a day off from the planning, packing and preparing. Tomorrow my car will be driven or towed away to the vocational tech school for repairs arranged by my mental health service.
     I sit here puffing on my pipe, sipping coffee and typing, not all at once, but in that order. It is difficult for me to think of what to say as I have no thought pressing on my mind.
     The trip, the car, the budget, the money I'll have left, all this I am stopping myself from worrying about.
     In my past I had set aside everything only to explode with emotion. It was like a house of cards tumbling down or like the game 52 pickup.
     Maybe holding my emotions down is like pushing the clown into the box in a jack in the box or a slinky traveling down the stairs. Is this a mistake or the worry creeping up to get me.
     Emotions in my family where held back. There where no hugs and kisses just handshakes and hellos. I think that was my fathers fault, he being the guy who ruled with an iron fist.
     My Dad may have changed and I will see when I get there. I have changed, not a lot, but some. I still hold back emotion, especially with the opposite sex.
     Time has changed many a soul as we have all seen when we compare us then and now. Getting older is my suffering not my suffering getting older.
     Still worry is in me. The damn "what if" comes up and it all starts again. In all my life I lived it to be prepared for whatever, but some whatever's are more the means to an end.
     I should not complain, my psyche has gotten me this far. Persistence then procrastination, like a very slow jack hammer.

RisperdalGuy (Bob)

Stayed up till eight in the morning, watched the light become brighter through the morning fog. It is a dreary day, clouds, rain and damp cold.
     I slept through till two in the afternoon, made coffee again drank it while sitting at my desk and of course lit my pipe. My plan for today was to do some laundry, but this will have to wait till the evening.
     My theory is with staying up so late, I will acclimate myself to close to Philippine time. The difficult time will be on arrival in their late night which is my day. Might force myself to not sleep on the final leg from Seoul to Cebu City.
     I am a bit more subdued today, not thinking so much about the trip. I have my car lined up to be taken to the vocational school for repairs and it will be gone Monday. One less thing to worry about.
     It appears I am wearing myself down with the staying up all night, but that is a good thing because I don't want to be too hyper. This stress I created myself and I can get rid of it myself.
     Rushing into things has always been one of my negative attributes, where I lose thought and create poor judgment. Being level headed most of the time, on occasion; due to my illness, I sort of flip out.
     I was taught that "patience is a virtue" and I am still learning that lesson everyday. I hope to heed those four words in the coming week.


RisperdalGuy

Staying up late trying to backup my computer with this 4GB CRUZER Chip plugged into my port. I am having difficulty knowing if it is working because it takes so long.
     Microsoft has a backup utility program, but it seems to be out of whack. The reason I am doing this is to be able to take my personal computer systems with me to the Philippines.
     This may keep me up later than I desired thus screwing up another day. Luckily it is Saturday and my "lazy day".
     I am thinking of coffee at about three this morning just to stay awake. Maybe this is a good thing since next week I will be thirteen hours ahead.
     I want to thank everyone for the well wishes and pointers for my trip. I know it will be wonderful even though I am trying to sneak coffee and coffee fixings in my baggage. I might change my mind about the whole thing.
    Take care everyone and I will journal tomorrow night. Be good.

RisperdalGuy

I packed just about everything tonight. There are a few odds and ends to stuff into my carry on and larger bag, but they are things I need right up to the last minute before the flight.
     I have put some things in my luggage I might get in trouble for, like coffee, creamer, sweetener and an over the limit bag of pipe tobacco. I figure if I am caught I will have to pay an import fee which would be as much as the stuff is worth.
     My luck they will catch me and stop me before I board. I am diabetic so I might get away with the couple of pieces of candy in my carry on, but my medication looks like a pharmacy's inventory. Possibly; with some fast talking, I will be on my way, if not the whole trip will be dragged out right up till I am in my seat.
     My flight is scheduled to leave Newark, NJ at 7:30am on the 20th so I am prematurely packing like a giddy child, but I feel I would screw up if I waited till the day before. Oh by the way, I have to be in the airport at 5:30am 2 hours before because I must go through customs. This is an international trip from Newark to Chicago then Seoul to Cebu the Philippines.
     I have been talking about this trip for weeks and I am finally excited about it. Previously I was blah about the whole thing kinda depressed. Now its all I think about and I hope I am not boring you all with my journals mentioning all the details. Who knows, I might meet a young lady and fall in love.
     I will close with the hope I am being read and I would like to thank everyone who gave me best wishes for a wonderful trip. Your all thought of even as I seem to not reply individually, but always have you in my heart. Take care all and be strong.


RisperdalGuy (Bob)

It appears I have slipped out from under the depressed, dull, blah disposition about my trip. My dinner at my brother's house this evening has waken me up to the real excitement that my eighteen days away will bring.
     I am itching to pack and lay out all I have listed to pack and even have been given a bag for the laptop with room for my other things. I could probably get by without the things I will pack for eight days.
    So be happy for me and cheer me on some more. All the suggestions the better.


RisperdalGuy

Close to midnight and I had the urge to write a journal. Maybe it is too close to my last entry, but my temperament and disposition have me here to tell my little story.
     Tonight I don't think I will get to bed before two o'clock and tomorrow I will have a late start of my day. In this coming morning; of what I leave of it, I have phone calls to make and a person I must call on to see how he is.
     The afternoon I must be showered and shaved, dressed decently and out of the house by three. I must add that it is important that I call my travel agent to find out what gate I must go to on the twentieth and all the gates at the next few layovers.
     Tomorrow evening I think I had mentioned, that I am being picked up for dinner at my brothers house. This should be interesting as we will discuss the trip and my being prepared. I do hope to bring my sense of humor so not to sour the get together.
     Oh yes, I forgot that I am also grocery shopping during this menagerie. I never said my life was dull.

RisperdalGuy

I don't know how I feel anymore. This could be close to normal for me as I don't think about how I feel till it happens. Maybe I am better off this way, but most often I am blah.
     Today has been a little up even though I slept later than I wanted. Made some phone calls to my case managers for a ride to an appointment with my therapist that was kind of sudden.
     I had made that appointment yesterday so getting my service aware of it is like pulling teeth. I will call right up until the hour before for their attention and a ride.
     Being neither up or down I suppose I should count my blessings. My therapist knows me well and can read me like a book so I will open up to her about how I have been feeling of late, including the last twenty days.
     My trip is on my mind and so is money, packing and staying out of trouble. My younger half brother is a character and could drag me into something I will regret. So I must avoid temptation.
     This being blah may be a good thing. If it continues I will not be depressed or manic, more level headed. I suppose it is my medication and I must be sure to adjust the time I take it with there being 13 hours and a half a day difference where I am going.
     This level headedness; if that is a word, may be a calm, cool and collective period brought on by Risperdal, lithium and Lexapro and artificial, I don't know. If I where to play around with my medication that would bring on disaster so I will plod along and live this blah life.


RisperdalGuy (Bob)

As many of you know I am going to take a trip of a life time visiting my father and my far away second family in the Philippines. My two half brothers and my stepmother  really don't know me and I am just hoping we all jive.
     My attitude has been of not being excited, not committed to the whole trip. I see my therapist tomorrow and hope she can spark something in me to be more enthusiastic.
     Wednesday I go to my older brother's and sister inlaw's house for dinner and a run through the itinerary for the flight and what I need to now.
     I am just not happy about this trip as I had really nothing to do about it or for it. Everything was taken care of except my spending money.
     Not being able to afford such a journey on my own I am grateful, but still feel funny about what will happen. Let me please get enthused just a little excited. This depression is a bitch.


RisperdalGuy

Don't have much time to write in this journal. My case manager is coming bye to discuss my finances for the Philippine trip. I thought I had figured it down to the last penny on the third, but of course last minute expenses cropped up, like a haircut.
     It would appear I have a few extra dollars for miscellaneous pain in the butt things that might come up, like import taxes on the tobacco and coffee I am bringing along. That is why I have to go over my available cash with my case manager.
     I am giving her a free hand with my December check and even allowing her to open my mail. In this way I am covered and she will get a better picture of my money goings on.
     Have to go. Take care all and I will catch up tonight.


RisperdalGuy

Well, Jeepers! That last journal was profound. I was off the wall and bounced back at it a couple of times. I am sorry if my honest and intellectual side put itself face forward, but it was the mood I was in at the time.
     Today was another morning wasted with sleep till after midday. I have to find a way of getting back to a morning to night schedule without sleeping half of it away.
     My first thought was an alarm clock and trying to get to sleep earlier.The other thing is drinking strong mugs of coffee in the late afternoon and evening. This kills the getting to bed earlier and should be stopped.
     All of the above would work besides stopping the late night TV shows, though I enjoy the comedy that comes with it. Wish I had a better half to get after me, but that was then this is now.
     The alarm clocks(plural) will be set tonight so wish me luck getting up earlier.


RisperdalGuy

Manic behavior causes the sufferer, if he or she realizes they are extremely manic, to be exhibitionists. I for one was such a demon as to become angry without violence; if that's possible,as well as attracting attention with my words and antics.
     I found myself trying to be something I wasn't with chest puffed and muscles flexed more trying to be a threat to anyone who may get in my way. This antic brought the police who did not realize I was the definition of a passive resister.
     This all may not make sense, but that to me is what total mania is all about, not making sense. Of course I have been hospitalized for less, but the memorable attacks I was a very angry man.
     This is a wake up call for me as my temper rises I should get in touch with a professional. These negative mood swings; if mild are ok, but creeping up to a bad end is not what I want or need.
     I don't ever want to be sent to the hospital for a mental breakdown again nor do I want an institution to get a grip on me. My exhibitionism is over and with my being aware of my pitfalls I may succeed in avoiding intervention of the institutional kind.

RisperdalGuy

It is not that I deserve a day off rather it is because mostly everyone else has off work which I don't do. I have the entire week off and find Saturday a lazy day where the population is relaxed, business is not usual and the norm not normal.
     I promised a journal this morning, but as you can see it is the afternoon and my morning slipped bye quickly. This journal will be a story of my expected day with what I assume will be up and down and uneventful, but for a few interruptions.
     I don't see extreme occurrences of mania or depression just my normal kiddie ride roller coaster highs and lows that come with the territory of a normal day. My illness finds me in an angry disposition when manic and reclusive in depression.
     I am expecting a phone call from friends who have said they will stop in. At what time I am not sure or am I sure it will be today. Having been to the store for basics last Wednesday, I have a few snacks for my expected guests. The guys will be satisfied with food and drink and maybe even a movie.
     Even though they may not show I will not diddle daddle about the house waiting for them so I will keep busy with more laundry and cleaning. My friend; who said he would call, sleeps into the afternoon, so I don't think I will get a call till after two this afternoon.
     Well, I have burned up the morning and it is getting close to the time my friend will call. I must prepare myself for guests when and if they are coming and get myself in gear.
     My trip planning is going well as I have made list of what to bring and called or emailed the people involved, but still it is Saturday and some will have to wait till Monday. Take car and be energetic not manic with a ride on the kiddie roller coaster.


RisperdalGuy

Sitting here in front of the PC with the TV on behind me sort of doing two things at once. I took my medication at eleven snd I don't feel drowsy, tired or sleepy.
     Read my horoscope for Saturday and it said I will find a way to entertain myself even if I become bored. I don't put much credence in horoscopes it is just fun to catch them fibbing.
     I have some other things to do so I will be off. Expect a new journal in the morning. Good Night.

My pattern of sleep for the last 36 hours was broken into being woken at four in the morning with a phone call yesterday to not getting to sleep till 3am today. My day was destroyed with my sleeping from about 11am till 6:30pm and my not even dressing the entire day Thursday.
     Darkness fell upon me yesterday as I realized my entire day was gone and a feeling of uselessness came over me. I had slept away chances to do things and even meals had escaped.
     I had things that where important; at least to me, which I must do today or find myself lacking essentials for the week ahead. That phone call at 4am yesterday had upset the apple cart making for one screwed up day.
     I will play catch-up for the next few days in my sleep and my responsibilities hoping there are no interruptions. The weekend will give me that chance and today will be trying to reach people who work a shout for a service to me.
     Wish me luck in getting back in step with myself and properly functioning in my little space in the world. Take care.


RisperdalGuy

Deadlines and commitments are very stressful and I have had my share. They create; for the bipolar, a spring board to either depression or mania.
     My experience with the past week or so of preparing for my trip, I have seen myself retreat from the responsibilities in that I was not doing the research as I should in the hopes some one else would do it for me. This was my way of avoiding any depression or mania.
     Consequently things rolled along with time slipping away on me and not getting things completed. Depending on others has it's drawbacks as I am learning.
     I have things that have to be done and my actions this past week goes against my "be prepared" motto from my youth. With deadlines being drawn I am stressing myself in my lack of action causing me to retreat even more.
     If nothing is done I maybe up the creek without a paddle and a total screwed up voyage. I have the incentive just not the get up and go so procrastination rears it's head.
     I have calls to make and people to talk to and an older brother to report too.  Waiting longer will only prolong the agony so I must take action or face the voiding of a verbal contract and let loose.
     It is frustrating for me fighting with myself knowing that if I put things off longer my trip will be much more difficult. I am trying to talk myself into doing what I have to do and I can only hope I succeed.
     I will close by saying once you have made a commitment stick to it even if your mind and body say no. Most of my procrastinating ways have been in the past five years since my divorce and the shattering of my life.


RisperdalGuy

I have anticipations creeping up on me for this journey to the Philippines that may be a life changing experience. I mean that in a good way as it will be my first visit to the other side of the world.
     My feeling is that I will meet new people, catch-up with my separated family and bond with my Dad who I have not seen in over three years. The slow too excitement mindset is gradually having me think of preparation with suitcases, a carry on and what to put in them.
     I was told by my father to not pack fully as he has a care package of clothing waiting for me to take back to the States. So it looks like I will only bring three sets of cloths with only the shoes on my feet and no need for a jacket.
     My carry on will have my camera, medication, tobacco pouch and pipe, some magazines and maybe a book to read. On my person I will have my passport, letters from my doctors and money with a handkerchief.
     I am not sure bout the exchange from dollars to pesos, but I was told my stepmother will handle that. I plan on packing plenty of tobacco in my suitcase and hope I am not given the third degree at customs.
     I guess you can tell I am getting excited about all this and maybe too much for my fragile bipolar personality. Lets hope I have a cool head traveling halfway around the world.


RisperdalGuy

I was debating whether or not to write this journal tonight. As you can see I opted to write.
     Today was a day I wanted to hide away and try not to do anything responsible. That lasted until almost noon with my case manager calling to say she would be here with my months cash by two.
     I instantly lite up with the expectation of a bit of wealth, dressed from my usual robe and combed my hair. I have a crush on this much younger lady even though I realize more of a relationship is not possible.
     She arrived a little late and I was able to make a 1/2 pot of coffee for us. We got down to business as I had set up my budget days before and I needed to talk about my Rx coverage in Medicare.
     She was well versed in the what to do and asked all the right questions. She had over stayed and had to go see other clients, so with my Medicare Rx solutions in hand left with a goodbye and I will see you tomorrow.
     The time went bye with delight as I always enjoy her company. The rest of the afternoon was spent on the computer and at five thirty went to the kitchen for supper.
     Supper was not antrhing special, but I was full and cleaned up my mess to go back to my computer. Wednesday is grocery shopping day, so a list had to be made and of course I made a long one with all the cash I had.
     The rest of the night will be the boobtube till I get drowsy. Take care everyone and don't take any wooden nickels


RisperdalGuy