I just found out that I am officially morbidly obese. I haven't weighed myself in months, but last time I did I was 255 at 5'8" and I've been eating so much lately that I HAVE to be over 260. Which makes me morbidly obese. And I just finished a binge which makes me feel * wonderful. Ugh. I might as well just go to sleep and not wake up till tomorrow morning, today is shot anyway.

I liked it when I had medication that worked, when I didn't have to worry about waking up in the morning because I knew the day was going to be good. Not anymore. My depression symptoms have hit me full force this week, and they've just been getting worse over the past couple months which leaves me worrying about the future.

I can't finish anything lately. I went to class this morning, had lunch (didn't finish my salad), practiced for my music lesson (didn't finish the piece), went to my music lesson, came back to my dorm with enough motivation to begin cleaning my room, cleaned my desk and now I'm sitting in my room by myself (my roommate is AWOL) at my nice clean desk trying to pretend that all of my crap is not piled up on the bed behind me. It's been like that for an hour. I've been bouncing around the internet trying to find someone who wants to listen to me bitch about it. But I don't want to dump this on any of my friends, which would explain why I'm here.

Another problem I've been having lately is that I dread taking showers. Never used to be this way. I used to like showing every day, but recently it's been like.. every three days. So I reek now. My feet smell disgusting, I have dandruff like no one's business, and my hair is a greasy mess. All because I can't bring myself to get up and get in the f***ing shower. I blame it on having to shower in a public bathroom, but I also think I stopped being able to tolerate seeing myself naked. I've gained so much weight in the past year... I used to be doing so well, dieting and everything. I lost 60 pounds and kept it off over five years only to gain it all back because I'm a f***ing idiot.

But, despite the low opinion I have of myself, I can safely say that I did a few good things today. I acknowledged that I was going to be late for my first class and I went anyway instead of staying in bed. I went to my music lesson. I had a good lunch, all the food groups were represented. I cleaned up my desk area and it's no longer a fire hazard. I didn't eat enough to f*** up my entire day.

I'm hungry, but I'm refusing to let myself leave the building until I shower. Because I am in no condition to be walking into a dining hall right now. Godd**n long hair. It's probably too late anyway, since I have to be in rehearsal in an hour. And I can't miss another rehearsal, I've missed three in the past two weeks and I feel like sh** because of it.

I'm gonna go at least wash my feet. See where that takes me...
- Rachel.