I didn't sleep very well, it was gone 3AM so when I did manage to get some sleep it was limited and I have been tired and irritable (when am I not irritable).
I wonder if my problem is negative thinking or I have hit the "miserable old git" stage of my life. I think it started around 23.
Seriously, who decides what is positive and negative. What causes one person to think negatively might cause another to feel positive and thus influence positive thinking.
I have always been a negative person from as far back as I can remember.
I am listening to a group called Disturbed and it got me thinking. It is loud, angry thrash metal which most people would say causes negativity but it actually gives me a buzz and I feel a little better.
The point I am trying to make (and yes there is one) is do what makes you feel good because what makes one person happy might make another sad. Only you know what makes you feel alive.
Listen to yourself, because only you can truly know you! Listening to others, and what works for them will not work for you.
There is a motto I am quite fond of:
"Opinions are like arseholes. Everyone has got one".
Well, I think that is enough nonsense from my head today.
Peace and Love to all.
The day wasn't going to bad, although the weather is horrible.
But around three hours my 'Best Friend' depression decided to drop buy.
It brought along the usual, self loathing, feeling worthless etc. I wouldn't care if there had been an event or something to trigger it but it just happened.
SHUT UP HEAD!
Its like my mind doesn't like the person its in.
It contradicts me, it manipulates my body into feeling horrible.
For every good thought it throws in three bad.
I just get sick of the crap that goes through my head.
Take care everyone.
When I woke up this morning I felt really tired, not lack of sleep tired but my body felt heavy. It is a common reaction to the flu jab. I suppose a small discomfort is better than getting the flu?
I haven't done very much as I didn't have much energy. So I really don't have much to report today.
I did get annoyed at the news, nearly always do, but the price of petrol is to go up again.
Peace and love to all.
Saw the doc this morning, nice guy, he has known me my whole life, all 31 years (I must make him feel old). Got something for a throat infection, discussed my depression etc. as I do not see any head docs he keeps an eye on me which is good and he is easy to talk to. I also got my flu jab, my arm aches a little but better that than the flu, any flu.
I am tired, I didn't sleep well although I have had worse nights.
My XBOX 360 will probably cost £35 and I also need a new printer my HP printer isn't working. The law of 3 is at the back of my mind. Two peices of electronic equipment have died I just hope there isn't a third.
Well, I think I will watch some TV and maybe read and hopefully get to sleep earlier than usual (2AM-3AM).
Take care all.
I am a little acorn, sorry anxious about seeing my Doctor tomorrow morning. I hate going into that building, my mind spins and all I can see is my Dad. He went alot when he got ill and it only takes a simple thing to trigger my mind into remembering.
I also need my flu jab, as an asthmatic I get it each Autumn/Winter. I am a bit late at getting it this year. With all this swine flu vaccine everything got delayed.
I haven't had a great day, my XBOX 360 has kicked the bucket. I think the motor has burnt out.
I woke up shaking, I might have been dreaming I don't know, I was asleep.
As you can tell I am also in a stupid mood as well. I think I do it to ease the anxious feeling.
Well I don't have anything else to moan about.
Love to all.
I am an emotional yo-yo today. One minute I feel really low and that I don't have the strength to cope with life and then it switches and suddenly I am a comedian.
I have a sarcastic sense of humour but I can't help myself making puns (that just sounds wrong). It could probably be classed as a defence mechanism to deal with life. People say "don't take life so seriously" but for me life is serious.
These yo-yo moods are annoying, I feel that someone should cut my string (sounds painful).
Bloody emotions, they can be really difficult to deal with.
Anyway, I have been putting some BBC Radio 4 comedy audiobooks on to my iPod. 'Hamish & Dougal' and 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue'. If you have never heard of them I highly recommend finding them, they are very funny. Its said that laughing is good for you so thats why I am putting them on my iPod, so even if its the middle of the night I can use them to calm my anxiety (hopefully).
Well I think I will play Call of Duty: Modern Warfare and try to ease these damn moods.
I hope you all are having an OK weekend.
I didn't post a Journal yesterday as I just felt crappy. I felt tense and on edge, my only way to release was to play Call of Duty on the XBOX and blow things up. It did help. I watched the DVD of Night At The Museum 2 later, it was quite good.
As for today, I have been OK. The feeling of anxiety is what is bothering me at times. I am calm then it hits me, horrible thoughts and my whole body reacting with a feeling of utter terror and dread.
I will try and find something to do for this evening. Chill out and relax (yeah right).
Well, I don't have much to say. I hope you all have a good weekend.
Take care.
November 11th, the 11th day of the 11th month.The day, each year where we are asked to remember those that fought and died for our country. Its quite significant this year as the last three of the UK's World War 1 veterans have passed. It is also a time to think of the brave men and women who are fighting wars even now.
As for me, it was a sad morning watching TV and thinking about what today means. For the rest of the day I have kept myself busy.
I have been listening to a very funny radio show and I don't feel to bad.
I do not have anything interesting to say today. I am tired and a little anxious.
I feel like I am floating in limbo.
I am just going to try to chill out and get some sleep.
I woke up feeling horrible, a strange combination of fear, anger and sadness. I have a theory about why this happened but I would appreciate other opinions. I have been playing a game on my PS3 which is horror themed. We are talking bodies ripped to shreds and blood and gore flung all over the place and I have been playing this for three nights now and although the images I am seeing do not effect me consciously I was thinking that they were sub-consciously. I think my brain is recording these horrific images and when my guard is down it contorts them and this could be one of the reasons I am feeling so bad today.
I know my illness is the main cause but perhaps its being triggered by this game.
I feel really low today and this is the only thing different I can think of.
I hope you are all having an OK day.
Peace and Love.
You should be happy and content with your life. But how do you do that when your mind keeps contradicting everything.
To be happy. Sounds nice, but I honestly don't know what would make me really happy. This is how I feel at the moment, sometimes the thoughts are clear and I see a target to aim for but then the fog descends and my thoughts are unclear.
I want to be married, I want to be single. I want to live where there is sun, I want to live where there is snow.
On days like today (and there are many days like today) I just do not know my own mind.
There is a Green Day song called 'Walking Contradiction'. That pretty much sums me up.
Peace and Love to you all.
I don't like weekends they just feel weird.
I didn't sleep too badly once I finally got to sleep. At 2AM I was watching christmas music videos on one of the music channels, that and a mad Japanese obstacle course game show. I guess it did relax me a little.
I progressed through the day OK, I just could not seem to concentrate on anything for very long. Around 6:30PM I was sitting listening to music when this wave of dread just washed over me, it was horrible. Thats one of the things I really hate about depression, the way for no apparent reason your mood just switches. Anyway I don't feel so bad now.
For the rest of the evening I will probably play on the PS3 and try to entertain myself for a while.
I really do not have anything to say. I didn't sleep that well and I feel depressed and that I just do not have the strength to fit in to this world.
I feel weak and insignificant.
Its Bonfire Night here in the UK. I haven't been over to the town bonfire in years, mainly because of my illness but also it is cold this time of year (I know I'm a wuss). Luckily the place it is held, and the fireworks display is just outside the back of my house so I can switch the lights off and open the curtains and just enjoy the display in the comfort of my own home. It is also something me and my Dad would sit watching out the upstairs window. The most unfortunate thing is the weather, its raining heavily and its very windy so the fireworks are drifting quite away across the sky and they are some what subdued by the rain.
As for me, well I woke up feeling really tense but it eased once I got up. For the last few hours I have been working on a CD playlist, I am trying to find my favourite 20 christmas songs and then put them in some kind of order.
I can here fireworks from the streets nearby, its quit a big night here and the last we have until christmas. If only Guy Fawkes had succeeded Britain might be a better place. If you are wondering what I am talking about go to wikipedia and type in Guy Fawkes, also if you have seen the movie V For Vendetta then you will have some idea.
Take care everyone. Much Love.
I took the car in today and had the new parts fitted. The difference is noticable as soon as you turn the ignition on. She's back to her old quiet self. It was also £125 so £5 less than I was told.
As for my mood. I didn't sleep well (stressing about the car on top of the usual) and have felt very anxious all day. After I dropped the car off at the garage the mechanic said it will take about 30 mins so I went for a wander, I say wander because at the speed I wandered it probably couldn't be called a walk. I could not just sit in the waiting area so I wandered around seeing all the changes. The area where the garage is I hadn't been to in over ten years. I noticed a new office block but seeing the old factory where my dad worked, and I did my work experience, was sad as it is just several large empty buildings. It closed around this time last year and it just stands there. The memories were nice but they also hurt like hell.
Now I am feeling a combination of emotions grief, confusion, anger, sadness. To remember those you love is important, there lives should matter but knowing you will never see them again is an indescribable agony. My uncle also worked in the factory next door which is now a huge pile of rubble as it is going to be developed into a housing estate. Life is about moving forward but it feels like the world doesn't care, I don't know if that makes much sense.
I need to find something to do. Listening to music is helping a little but I need something more engaging so I will probably put the PS3 on. I don't know what time I will get to sleep because my mind and stomach are spinning around like a washing machine.
Everything changed in the summer of 1995 when the bottom fell out of my world. I started down a dark tunnel and I still haven't seen daylight at the other end, just black.
OK I am starting to make myself more depressed so I will sign off for tonight.
Well, today has been alot of fun (note sarcasm).
My tuesday started by getting in the car and driving to ASDA for grocery shopping. I parked the car in the usual spot (my obsessive routine even has me park in the same spot each time, as long as nobody is there first) switched the engine off and went into the shop. About twenty minutes later with my weekly supply's I got back in the car and started it. Now I like motor racing and always liked the idea of an engine that growls into action, in reality my Nissan has always been quiet, until today. So I took the longer route home (I enjoy driving but the price of petrol is ridiculous) to give the engine a good run. I'm no mechanic but I realised the noise was coming from the rear of the car, which means the exhaust.
Later this afternoon I went to a local garage. It turns out that there are four parts to the exhaust and the two parts at the rear are 'broken' (thats my technical term).
So tomorrow I have to take the car back to the garage and have new parts fitted. £130 it will cost. Despite my car being a complete pain in the on occasion, I cannot be without it, I love my car.
So apart from stressing out about the car, thats my day.
I hope everyone elses day has been less stressful.
Love to you all.
I have had an awful day. My mood has been so low. I hate it when I feel like nothing matters and that the best thing is to run away or even end all this misery.
But these are bad feelings and I fight each day to be good. Its so easy to be bad and give in to these thoughts but I know I am a better person for not giving in.
I don't really have anything else to say today.
Well here we are, November. Ten months have passed and in 54 days it will be christmas eve (I bet that has cheered you all up).
I admit I have been pretty self absorbed these last couple of days, I have just been trying to get my head right (my brain fell out and I stupidly put it in upside down).
Being serious, I do feel that I have managed to get a few things straight in my mind and feel a little better for it.
As for my day, well I watched the last Formula 1 race of the year and played Forza Motorsport 3 on the XBOX 360 and I am now watching TV (alot of christmas adverts have started today).
No ghosts or ghouls have visited.
Had to reset my iPod so have been working on that all afternoon. I guess this was good seeing as my mood dropped and I felt angry and tense.
I have felt depressed today.
I do not have anything to write in this Journal so I will go and watch some TV or something and try to relax.
I don't have much to say today. Got some sleep, which was good. My mind is still spinning, unable to think clearly. This isn't good for a control freak/perfectionist like myself, but I'm not going to let it get me down.
The weather has changed again, the english weather is a joke, one moment you are sweating the next freezing your giblets off. But according to the professionals (the weather men/women) it is going to be a frosty night and rain for the next four days.
As its halloween from midnight tonight I am hoping a few ghosts will pop by, then I won't feel quite so lonely at 3AM.
I hope everyone is having an OK day.
