As you all well know my man and I have been fighting and he wants to be together still, but I don't know if I can trust anything will change.... I don't wanna get hurt, it's hard to let him go because I love him a lot, but this can't go on any longer... it's too much stress that I can't handle right now.
What do I do????? I am so confused and I wanna believe things will change, am I just fooling myself???? Guys especially what do you think?? He thought today it was over and he has called me and text me all day long..... do you think he really cares?
Ok I knowits been a long time since I have journaled... but I am really going though a hard time. I have been through a ton in the last year and a half...including a divorced. I am bipolar, I have been back on meds for the last 4-5 months or so, going to see a therapist every two weeks and in a DBT group three days a week for 3 hours a session, I am REALLY trying. But it hard to manage my ups and downs (mania).
Today started off great, and I had Lunch with my kids at their school, went to DBT group, then found myself irriated and very depressed now. I simple conversation with man got me down.
Can anyone tell why it is that women who are total b*tches to men get chased after and get everthing good from a man, but good women get walked on??? I am a damn good woman to men, I love to clean and cook, and other things I can't write on here. I know I am not a "super model" and I am not perfect, but I know I am a good, loving, caring person.
I am off to cry myself to sleep now.... everyone have a great night.
Yes.. I am talking about another man, Blue, not my ex husband Marc. I could never get back with my ex husband I would end up killing myself because he just brings me way way down 24/7.
My boyfriend is not even talking to me today, he wont answer his cell and wont reply to mt texts. I took a city bus home yesterday which took almost 4 hour, including waiting time and switching three buses. Its only 20mins to drive from maplewood to the cities but they are long detours and stop too much. I never asked for aride but he never offered one either. He knew yesterday that I was really depressed and I told him I just wanted to eat and then sleep till monday.
I talked to him last night all drugged out on seroquel, stressed, depressed and sleepy and told him that I was depressed, I felt like I wanted to die (was not serious though) and that I didnt feel I was good enough for him, and that if I was a better woman he would (or atleast want too) chase me. I do feel like he does not really want me. I told him that but I fell asleep and he text "U did something wrong eh?". I reply this morning no, that i would never hurt him like that. This is not about another man, but I guess he thinks so. What do I do now?? Should I just leave him??? Obvisouly we both need work, especially emotionally for me. I need more support and understanding, I am bipolar, I am depressed. I divorced in Dec, and I seperated from my ex in Feb. 2008, is it just too soon for another relationship???
I am so depressed... I feel like I just wanna give up and die (don't worry I wont harm myself). I have been depressed for awhile but it got worse yesterday in an argument with my ex husband. He never fails to talk to me like I am nothing, worthless, fat, ugly, and no one will or ever want me. Why is it that I still get upset when he pushes my buttons??
I have been job searchng still with no luck, and i feel worthless inside. I feel like I am a fool for chasing a man who doesnt chase me, he says he loves me and I believe him, but deep down i feel like I am not the woman he wants.
He doesnt want to be around my family, but he seems close to his exes mom. And he told me before he used to treat his exs really good, and he treats me good but there is no effort to it. He rarely comes to see me, I always go to him. I love to cook and clean for him, and I rub his back without him telling me too. I want him to do thoughful things for me. I get ignored a lot when I am with him.
What do I do??? I wanna sleep forever and hide!!!!
I am depressed, I feel like crying tonight. Everything is still the same for the most part, I have gainned weight again and I am struggling to take it off, I am still seeing a man who I feel like isnt really into me. I am tired of feeling lonely, worthless (since I am 25 almost 26 and living with my parents again, now divorced, with 2 kids, no job, no money, nothing to show for myself) and hopeless.
Ok its like 2:30am and I cant Sleep... I was playing an online game, then I got on myspace to check my messages and realized that my ex husband had some new pics... I shouldnt have looked but I did and now I am mad.... that bastard has happy family pics with his new girlfriend and they got a puppy. I sure as * dont want him back but I am jealous of the fact that he is HAPPY and has no f**king cares or real responsibilties in this world right now.
I have a wonderful man whom I love very much and treats me awesome...unlike that SOB ever did...but I still feel like I am struggling just to make it and I don't really have * and I am living with my parents (or the kids and I would be broke living on the streets).
I put up with his bullshit for almost 10 years.. he never treated me good and alls tried to bring me down. He was the one who gave up on us a long time ago... not me... and now I am the one who is depressed and just trying everything a day at a time and he gets everything.WTF?!!!!!
Well... its been a long time... a lot has changed. I just got divorced from Marc and I am trying to move on with a new start. Its not easy but one day at a time... Its getting better slowly.
I dont really know how I feel either... I mean I am happy and very relieved but at the same time I feel depressed.
I don't want him back... I have found a new man who is 100% better to me... but it does hurt that he treats this chic better than he ever treated me... he just makes me feel like I am sh*t and always was sh*t.... I have always picked the wrong guys for relationships... I was raped at 16 too... so I just have a really hard time trying to believe a man really wants ME or wants to love me.
My birthday is in two days, I don't really care. I have been feeling somewhat depressed lately. I have just been crabby, tired, and feeling lonely. I don't understand my thoughts or moods anymore, well I guess I never really did anyways, lol. I know I should stay on meds for life, see doctors and go to a counselor, but I don't want to. Plus, I have no insurance, lol, wow, that's something new. I just feel alone and trapped in my current job and living situation, I swear I will be broke forever and stuck at my parents for another year. I take 3 steps forward, then 2 steps back.
Things with Marc are going good I guess, but he is still in his own little world most of the time, unless it involves us having sex. We really don't talk much or spend a lot of time together, but we try to go out once a week now, and even then its the same, he is off with the guys talking and drinking, and I am with the chics, lol.
Maybe I just need a nap, lol.
I knows its been over a month since my last journal, but I am working fulltime now and taking care of my two beautiful kids. Things are going good right now and I have been spending more time with my hubby (more intimacy ) and he is making me love him more and more every day. Its hard to keep a good marriage lasting, and our past has been bumpy and a huge emotional roller coaster for me. You may know, some days I cant stand him, and others I live without him. My birthday is coming up soon and I am scared that I wont lose any weight before then. I cant stick to a diet, sad huh? I want to get a tattoo, but still deciding on what to get.
I just want to say thanks to a good friend of mine for being there for me, you know who you are sweety, love you lots! Without you I dont think i would be here today.
This is important to me that I repost this again for anyone who may have missed it before..........
http://www.transyouth.net/stories/gwen_araujo.html
http://www.answers.com/topic/gwen-araujo
I want to share something with anyone who has a heart. I first heard about Gwen Araujo a year ago when I watched a Lifetime movie called, A Girl Like Me, and it was the saddest thing ever to know how someone so young, beautiful, loving and full of life could be beaten to death by three of the most sorriest excuse for human beings. I know that today in our society we live with hatred and prejudice, and thats not something that will change anytime soon, but I want people to learn something from this story as I have. Even though we are of different races, genders, and sexual interests, we are all human, we all have the same emotions, feelings, and struggles in life. I want people to read her story, and know her for the beautiful person she was and not just another traggic murdered transgender. So I encourage everyone to read this, maybe you can understand things more before you judge someone you dont know. If I could put I stop to these hate crimes I would, but its hard to do alone, but even if I can give someone more knowledge of tanssexuals or make people realize the effects that are cause due to hatred, than thats more than enough for me. Just remember that hatred is taught, and our children listen to everything we say, and they watch our actions as well, so becareful how you represent yourselfs in front of your kids unless you want this cylce of hatred to continue.
My day has been good so far, this morning I got up and was getting ready to go to work when I found out my boss was in labor headed to the hospital, yey! She had a beautiful baby boy, this is her third boy, wow huh? I went to see her today and I actually just got back. I love newborns, they are so tiny and precious, it almost makes me want to have another one, lol. Well thinking about it today, I think I will have one more but not for awhile, I need to help myself first. But now I get a two week break from the daycare, yey!
Since I got up early today, I decided to go to the gym this morning, I did 2 miles on the eliptical machine (I'm sure I spelled that wrong, lol). The only bad thing is that I had a migraine yesterday, and it came back today for a few hours, I took a nap though and it went away.
I hope everyone is doing good and I wanna say thanks to everyone who cares enough to read this, it means a lot.
Today was ok, nothing special. I went with Marc to get a new CD player put in his car, we went to Circuit City to get one and we paid $436 dollars for the CD player and installation ( CD player was $219) and we waited 2 hours just to find out that it could not be installed in his car, so I was pissed off. We got a full refund, but what a waist of time. Plus the guy said there was one car ahead of us and it should only be a 30-45 min. wait to have it installed, I had no clue it would really be 2 hours. We did eat atTGI Fridays again while we waited so that was good. I am now sick with another cold, I get sick every two weeks now, it really sucks. I know its because of the daycare too many germy kids, lol. T he one good thing I have to look forward to is my boss is pregnant and she is due next week on Thursday the 24th. When she has her baby the daycare will be closed for 2 weeks, yes, I can't wait for a break.
This morning was hell at the daycare all the kids were crabby and kept doing things that would make anyone go nuts, like standing and jumping on furniture, fighting and biting other kids, and while I made lunch, because my boss was gone and I was alone, the kids pull out all her movies in the entertainment stand, they were all over they took out the glass shelf and everything, i thought I was going to die. But my dat got better when I got home and got a package in the mail from my best friend, he sent me some cool stuff that I really love. It turned my whole day around. Andre went to a friends birthday party today, it was fun! Now I am tired and tomorrow I don't work but its Andres birthday so it will be a crazy day, lol.
