Hello everyone! I'm here to update again! More 'fun' news on the pregnancy front! Started bleeding this weekend which as ya'll probably know, isn't good, so first thing Tuesday I called the Dr. and they quickly called back and had me get my butt back in there again, for another sonogram. My mom took me and it was slightly bigger than last time but not much, I was only in like a week ago lol. But things look fine and I got to hear the heartbeat loud and clear this time which was amazing! They don't however know what's going to happen, I may just be a person who bleeds and goes to full term with a healthy baby or it could miscarry at any time, they have no way of knowing. Which sucks yes, but what can you do? The sad part is I'm only 6 1/2 weeks along and I've already been to the Dr. about 7 times for various tests and poking and prodding. It doesn't bode (sp?) well but who knows. I also still have to be super careful what I do, I'm not on bed rest but can't do a lot of things. I'm trying to remain optimistic but at the same time reasonable, if it doesn't work I don't want to spiral into depression. I've handled it well thus far though so yay me! lol
Anyway, I've been reading everyones journals lately but I just haven't known what to say whether it's good or bad. My mind just isn't working, I like to leave encouraging words or even a joke, but it's just not there! But my thoughts are with all of you rain or shine.
Until next time!
-Bandy
Ok, its time to fill you guys in on what's been going on. I've been a bit cryptic but I just couldn't bring myself to go into detail.
I almost lost my baby. There was a very real chance of miscarriage Wednesday. I was put on bedrest and have been going for doctors visits every couple of days to have blood drawn to test my levels to see if it was still growing. Fortunetly it was! They called me with my results today and there high enough that I am going in for my first sonogram today! I'm so excited and relieved! Even my doctor wasn't very optimistic but I pulled through! I'm still on bedrest but I hope I get released today. It's killing me! lol It's so hard to just sit there or lie there. That's all I can do except to go to the restroom. It's aweful! lol Better safe than sorry but still. After almost a week I'm dying.
So there you go, I've filled everyone in now and I'll keep you posted. Hopefully it keeps being good but I'm hoping we're out of the hot water now. Until next time!
Went to the pdoc today, the visit went really well. He likes the progress I've made so he's keeping my meds where they are. I talked to him about the anxiety I've been having and like everyone else, says it will probably go away when I move lol. But he did give me a Rx for now that he says should help a lot, and yes, it's baby safe! lol
I still can't believe I'm pregnant! I'm so excited and Ben is too! But it's still so amazing! I'm so happy! Nervous, but happy. Already trying to eat better, drinking lots of water, all the stuff I was bad about before. But it's not just me I have to think of now. I think that will be a good thing. I worry about me too much! lol Anyway, haven't been on much lately, lots going on, I've read some of the journals but not many. I hope everyones doing well, and if not, that things get better soon.
Until next time.
So, I just found out I'm pregnant. Hmm. lol I''m excited but it's a lot to take in! lol
Hope you all are doing well.
So, ya'll will be proud of me. I finally made an appointment with my pdoc. It's the same one as last time and I still want to find another, but this was just so I could get in quick. I'm definetly in full swing mode, my eyes feel like they're going to pop right out of my head. Not the best feeling in the world lol. But anyway, I also finally made an appointment to see a counsler which my pdocs keep suggesting I do. But I finally did and I'm glad because I really think it can help me. I hope she's nice otherwise I wont go back and have to find another one, what a pain. But I'm proud of myself, taking my well-being into my own hands like everyone here keeps telling me to. I'm just always afraid it's not going to go well, any appointments with new people. But oh well, I'm feeling pretty positive about the counsler so hopefully we can work through some things and remove a bit of my stress.
Hope everyone has a good day!
So I'm totally bummed and feel like crap at the same time. As I mentioned in my last Journal (which thanks for all the words of encouragement and advice!) my husband and I may be getting my dads house when he moves. The house is quite a bit more than what we're paying now and it's 4 bedrooms, so Ben and I decided to ask my cousin and her husband to move in with us as roomates! Great idea! We all are best friends! Could totally live with each other (yes, I like the word totally lol) and it would help all of us out financially while we could live in a nicer place then we could normally afford.
Well, Ben and I made one, teeny, but bad, mistake. We didn't take into consideration their cats. All 3 of them. We have 3 dogs. The dogs aren't going anywhere. Our dogs don't like cats, and try to attack them when they seem them. The cats don't like dogs for obvious reasons. Plus, Ben and I are crazy allergic to cats, plus these cats are into EVERYTHING, knock everything over, are up on the counters all the time (which just grosses Ben out) and aren't the cleanest cats around, which I thought cats were supposed to be very clean animals!?
So yea...it's a problem. It's just not going to work with the cats and my cousin outright refuses to get rid of them, which I completely understand! But it's a great opportunity for all of us, especially them who are expecting their first baby and don't have a lot of money. For two bedrooms they'll be paying less than they are now for a tiny 1 bedroom apartment. And we could afford the house. So yes, it's a problem. I feel terrible, but it's just not going to work, and we were all very excited about it! And Ben refuses to have anyone else as roomates, so yea...idk what we're going to do.
And I have a question for those of you with cats! None of my cousins cats have ever had any shots or been to the vet. Isn't that bad for the baby?? It just seems like it could be very dangerous. Her husband was asking me and I didn't know. lol
Anyway, thanks for reading my complaints. I'm just so bummed. We'll figure something out, but that just was so perfect. Maybe it was too perfect lol.
Hope you all are doing well!
My husband and I were talking last night, and I figured I could ask here for some answers, or at least an idea...
I am Bipolar, diagnosed in October of last year so I'm still learning things about it and how BPD and me work exactly. I know about the swings, I typically feel them coming on, I know the signs. But I have another problem that seems like it's just getting worse.
I'm a very jumpy person. I don't think I've always been. My husband sneezes and it scares me half to death. I'm afraid of so many things. I don't live in the best of neighborhoods (we should be moving soon so yay!) and I refuse to go out front alone, I'm afraid of my neighbors (it's seriously the neighborhood, someone was shot and killed not too awefully long ago, how scary!).
Anyway, I don't know if the word is paranoid but I feel very paranoid almost all of the time. My husband leaves for work and I'm so afraid that he wont make it home. In the car if we hit a bump I didn't see coming, I tense up and my heart starts to pound out of my chest. No one wants to die but I have this preoccupation with death and it's really starting to effect my life and the way I live it. If I don't see my mom right when I expect to I immedietly think, OMG! What happened! I panic. I know I'm being irrational but I don't know how to make it stop.
Is this part of being bipolar???
I don't think it's my meds because it's been going on for longer than I've been diagnosed but it's definetly getting worse. I really think a lot of it is my neighborhood. I avoid windows for stray bullets and I definetly don't want to be seen. I don't want to draw attention to myself at all. I've called the cops a handful of times for various reasons but I panic because 'what if' they come to our door and give us away!?! My husband thinks I'm nuts, and he's right, but I'm realy starting to worry. This is insane! To live this way, to be in constant fear. I'm thinking I need to make an appointment with my pdoc very soon.
And just to clear things up, we didn't realize it was a bad neighborhood until we moved in, it looks quite nice at a glance, all the neighbors must have been on vaca when we were touring it because now they're ALWAYS outside! Hence why I don't go out alone. It sucks.
BUT, on a much lighter note, my husband and I are hopefully going to get a great opportunity to rent my dads house (nice in a very nice neighborhood) so hopefully I can escape soon! lol
Thanks for all your help on this, I'd really like to know what the hecks going on.
So last night was such a rough night. I woke up around 3am running a temp and I felt frozen down to my bones! It was aweful, I couldn't get warm. I finally took a hot shower and that helped a lot thankfully. I tossed and turned the rest of the night but I woke up feeling pretty good today, just sore.
It's probily not the best idea but I'm going to what's supposed to be a great, very unique craft fair and I'm so excited about it! I love craft fairs and this one is supposed to be one of a kind! It's been planned for weeks so I've been trying to get well enough to go. This cold has lasted a lot longer than I had expected, it's been a rough one too. I'm excited to get out of the house, that will prob. do me some good. I've been stuck home all week. (it's different when it's by choice lol).
Anyway, I hope everyone has a great Saturday!
Today's been a pretty low key day, I've done little to nothing and I'm ok with that. I do feel like I'm coming down with something which I'm not too awefully excited about. I'm going to boost my vitamin intake and hope I can fight it off before it gets worse and have to go to the doctor. I already pay the buildings rent, I don't want to give them any more money! lol (I haven't met my deductable yet, it's so expensive)! lol
I hope everyone else is doing well! I enjoy reading everyones journals. I don't always comment simply because I don't always know what to say, but I keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.
Until next time! -Bandy
So I've been asleep most of the day and it's been wonderful! Good sleep, much needed sleep! I took Melatonin last night to help me relax and to help with the twitching (last journal) and it worked! I feel so good. I would have preferred not to sleep all day, but I apparently needed it after the wedding festivities yesterday plus not sleeping well lately. So I'm happy about it.
I need to go back to the Dr. My meds just aren't working like I know they should. I'm on something I can't pronounce, pretty sure the name is longer than the alphabet, and I think it's helping, we're just not there yet. I'm also supposed to be on Abilify but that stuff knocks me out. It completely drains me of energy and it just doesn't work. I've tried Lamictal which (as my doctor said) had a Speed like reaction for me, I'll never take that again, Depakote, had several negative reactions. Idk. I hate this waiting, trying to figure out the perfect cocktail. Like I said before, I'm new to this whole thing. Diagnosed Oct. 31st of last year so it looks like it could be a while before we get one that works.
I'm doing ok, just not like how I know I should be. I've been depressed a lot lately but nothing I can't manage, nothing terrible. I'm just tired of it. And anxious like crazy. Angry. All kinds of fun stuff. I came across some texts my husband and his mom were talking about me saying I was milking it for all it was worth. It's not true, I know it's not, but that hurt a lot. Because instead of trying to help me, they think it's all a big joke. I cry, and my husband mocks me. I cry because I'm sad, not for attention. I don't want this kind of attention! I want attention for the good things in my life, not this. Oh well. He's not a bad guy, just this past week has been rough.
Anyway, I don't know, hopefully I'll go to the doc soon. I just haven't found one I really like yet. But at least any of them can help me right? lol Sorry, I'm jus tkind of venting. Later guys!
So this evening me and Ben (the hubby) run some errands and I can tell somethings wrong with him but he wont give. Then out of know where he just attacks. (no, definetly not physically)!
I HATE when he does that! I don't take to getting yelled at well at all, I just shut down, talk to me like a grown a* woman like I am! I'm so drained now! It started at the dollar store of all places! I ran in to get one thing for my cousins wedding tommarow and he's just being all cranky complaining about me spending money ($1)!!! Next thing I know I'm leaving the store, and he's yelling 'it's just a dollar!' then 'why not $50!? Which it's really unlike him to make a scene in store so not only was I mad now I'm thinking wth is wrong with him!
So we go out to the car and on the way he starts yelling at me saying how I can always spend money and he can't blah blah blah. Again, it was $1. And about some things he made his point! BUT, he should have said something when it first started bothering him not now that it's eaten him up where he blows up at me like this! I hate when he does that!
He comes from a very passive family who hold in their feelings until they can't anymore. I get it, that's what he's used to. But I'm not and I don't respond well to being attacked (which I really don't think anyone does lol). I wish he would just talk to me and get it over with! Grr! I'm so frustrated. Things are fine now, but I just hate when this kind of thing happens. It's few and far between but I hate it all the same. -Bandy
