How do I stay sane these days? How do I keep from going totally nut-so and winding up back in the hospital?

I keep myself busy with writing. Today I went on campus and worked for about 3 hours, working on a new screenplay. Maybe it'll be for an actual short film I'll do some day. Anyway, I also was talking to some people through e-mail who are interested in being actors in the last screenplay I wrote. I'm hoping it will become a reality. It's creating a lot of stress for me, but also is real exciting.

I take my medication (sometimes) and go to the student health center for counseling just so people don't bitch and moan. The treatment I undergo is really more for my family and friends then for me, being as it only makes them feel better. But it does actually help me too as then I don't have to listen to whining.

I work a lot too, that way I stay busy and productive, and I make money. Which is always nice.

I never thought I would ever turn out to be:

1) One of those mental people with "anger management problems". I always thought of them as guys who put their fists through walls and broke stuff and hit people, and were mean and very, very scary. Now I'm that way too. I broke my cell phone and had to get another one that's not as nice. I throw my books and folders and notebooks if I get angry. I've almost broken my laptop in the past.

2) Someone who was actually crazy enough to go looking for trouble. Could my life be so awful and boring and depressing that I need to go walking around outside in the middle of the night, thus putting myself "at risk" for being the victim of a crime? Well hey, it's not the first time I've done it. Still, I wonder if I told my counselor, if she'd report me because that's technically "causing harm to myself" and thus not covered by confidentiality laws. Who knows. Maybe I better not tell her, just to be sure.

3) So totally I-don't-give about life anymore. Currently I have no desire to go into the field that I am currently in right now (supposedly), which would be counseling (what a joke, crazy people cannot counsel other crazy people). I don't care if I finish school or not. In fact, I'd rather not. I'd rather just...move somewhere and get a job and live by myself.

4) Fall out of love, like, almost completely. How can you just...one day, suddenly not feel for the one you've been with for four years now, the one who says he wants to marry you? Well, that's me.

Yes, all of these things are me. I'm out of control. I really am. One of my doctors thinks the lithium is making me manic. The other isn't so sure and wants to try putting me on Risperdal for the anger. I've been popping so many pills during my life, that when it's time for a new one, I don't even bother getting excited, as if I am taking the pills to make everyone else happy, because it's not doing anything to help me, that's for sure.

My best friend is getting married next month. Of course, this now means that the entire universe revolves around her, everyone is a slave to her wants and needs and we all have to do exactly as she pleases or she is inclined to throw a monstrous temper tantrum, and, in the process, treat her friends and family members like garbage...oh, it's okay though, because she's a BRIDE!

She is having her rehearsal dinner on Thursday, October 8, at 6 PM at the church in Philadelphia, three days before the wedding itself. I am 200 miles north of the area, in State College, attending Penn State. I have a class and a work shift on Thursday afternoon and it is a three hour drive between the two cities. How am I supposed to attend the rehearsal?

I told her that I could try to take off that day to come, but I couldn't guarantee it, because I worked at an on-campus student dining hall, and their policy is that I have to find someone to work in my place or switch shifts with someone (I can't just "call off" without racking up warnings and thus eventually earning me termination). I had a few ideas of what to do, and listed them, and then said that there were some problems that could arise and that I wasn't guaranteed being able to make it. She responded with:

" You knew this wedding was coming up for two years now...you mean to tell me you didn't inform your employer about this?"

First: it hasn't been two years. She's only been engaged since February 2008.

Second: I've only been working at the dining hall for one week now. When you go to apply for a job, you don't list to the managers all the times you can't work. You suck up to them and say, "Yes sir. I'll work whenever you tell me if I'm not in class."

Third: I just found out the date of the rehearsal...ohhh...about seven hours ago? I had been planning to take off my night of work right before the wedding, but I had no idea about the rehearsal until this afternoon.

So what do I do? I could try to take off three different shifts from work and skip classes after making arrangements to get the make-up work later, but even then, people might not choose to work for me, or the transportation might not work out (I share a car with my boyfriend and guess what, it's not MY car, so I can't just use it whenever).

But I get the feeling that no matter what I do, if it doesn't work out and I won't be able to be a bridesmaid, she's going to be angry about the fact that I couldn't do it, overlooking the fact that I tried so, so hard to make it work in the process.She has told me I'm still invited as a guest, but if I go, I know all of the other bridesmaids as well as the bride, groom, and the parents, are going to be furious with me. What would be the point of me going if everyone around is feeling hostile toward me?

Just more reason for me to * LOATHE weddings. Someone in one of my classes yesterday said she wanted to be a wedding planner. I can't even imagine wanting to dedicate your life to what is, in my eyes, such a disgusting and non-rewarding profession.

I * hate weddings, I hate the me-me-me-it's-my-day-I-can-be-a-bitch-and-a-whore-if-I-want-to-Bridezilla-fucktard-me ntality that young brides have today. It is disgusting. I don't want to risk it myself, therefore, if I ever consider getting married, I am marching my way up to the courthouse with my fiance and a few witnesses and having it done. You don't need flowers and cake and music to show you're in love, and anyone who thinks you do is destined for divorce anyway.

In fact, the ONE couple I know who has been married through justice of the peace is one of the few marriages I know of that is still actually in tact.

He hardly talks to me now. It's pure torture being trapped in a small apartment, having to share a bed with someone, and depending on them because they have money and a car, when they won't talk to you and you know they're furious and angry and upset.

Maybe he doesn't understand now. Maybe he will someday? I really don't know. I'm in college now. I need to get out and live. Matt keeps telling me he wants to marry me someday. But I told him, "There are some days when I can hardly even get out of bed in the morning. What about when we have kids? I need to get up and get them breakfast and off to school and drive them places and be there for them. If I fall apart, the entire household falls apart." I'm NOT cut out to be a house wife. I never have been, I never will be. I can't put him through that.......

I think I lost you honey. I can't handle a relationship, not now, and probably never. That doesn't mean I don't love you, even though you said you don't think I do. It means I care enough about you to say that you need to move on with your life and live it, not taking care of me forever, and always suffering because of me, but living it for yourself. Take care of YOU!

<3s

Today was my first day of classes and I'm already off to a bad start. My boyfriend and I had a fight and he's in the other room. It's horrible always having to share a bed, never being able to cry on my pillow without him knowing and asking me what's wrong.

I hate how this disease has managed to screw up everything I've been trying to do for the last six years, including getting a teaching degree. I had to switch to an easier major after I had a meltdown and went to the hospital. This year it's looking like it's going to be no different, once again.

I feel like that guy in the cartoon that Chato B. Stewart did, the one about the Mania rollercoaster!

WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Matt is sleeping off a fever in the bedroom but I want to go dancing downtown.

I keep thinking I hear a burglar in the room behind me, but I'm at my desk, on my laptop, blaring my headphones, so I don't know how that can be.

But we are living at Park Forest, the "ghetto" of State College.

Please...let me put on my leather boots and get up on the desk and MOVE.

At least I'm still "sane" enough to know that in two hours I'll probably be screaming and throwing stuff. Hmm...sane...what does that word mean again?

The title says it all. Unless you count writing crappy fiction that is never going to get published and listening to the same iTunes library over and over again...I don't really have any hobbies. Well, I have interests that I'd like to develop. I was into embroidery for a while and made some nice pillow cases (since then, they've been left on a floor under stuff and have long been stained, probably beyond repair). The problem is, hobbies cost money. I wanted to take dance lessons. $220. Go hang out at the gym and go swimming. $90. Learn a foreign language. Well, that depends. If you buy Rosetta Stone, it's like $200. Even with embroidery, you have to buy the stuff. And music, which interests me more than anything else, can cost a small fortune. The instruments are expensive (unless you buy from Craigslist and I wouldn't wish that on anyone). The sheet music can get costly depending on how quickly you go through it, unless you're like me and just pirate it off the internet.

So that leaves me with...nothing. Lol. I guess my hobby right now is to not go completely crazy. I realize now that, for my circumstance, that last status I left is wrong, the one about only relying on yourself. If you're crazy, you can't even do that much. No, if you're crazy (and I think I speak for everyone else who is, certifiably), you're at the complete mercy of everyone else. Sucks. I'm not sure what it is that's been making me go nuts this summer. Every little thing sets me off. Today it was all I could do not to send my fist through a wall when I realized my dad lost my credit card and I was ROYALLY * on paying for text books.

But I didn't punch a wall because I knew that #1, my hands are smaller and more delicate than some of the guys I've seen punching walls, and I'd probably wind up at Mount Nittany Medical Center with a broken hand and a huge medical bill (to add to the $400 I already owe them ) and #2, I'd have to pay for the damage to the wall. So I didn't do it. I'm not sure what it is, if it's the lithium that's making me manic, and therefore through-the-roof irritable, or the excessive stress I've been under this summer, or both maybe. I mean, go figure that I finally find the cheapest bipolar medication on the market, a medication I can actually afford, and it's the MOST EFFECTIVE...and instead of actually giving me peace of mind...no, I'm throwing things, crying, screaming, I've got worse road rage than I thought possible, and every time I go out somewhere, EVERYONE pisses me off and I just feel like punching the first person I see, regardless of who it is, right in the face.

When I saw the Mania Rollercoaster cartoon on RMH.com, I never really realized that mania is a rollercoaster within itself. It's not just the ups and downs between mania and depression. It's INSIDE the mania. So...one second I want to start flipping tables over, I'm so angry...and the next second I'm thinking about how I want to go out, get drunk, and dance on a bar counter.

And what makes me even angrier is that, not only am I stuck with this bullshit disorder for the rest of my life (once you're diagnosed, you're screwed, it doesn't have a cure), but I have to pop these stupid ass pills. And every time I switch medications, I get that hopefulness, that maybe this is it, this one will work and change my life. And every time it's a different kind of disappointment. This time, I realize that this disease has not only wrecked half my high school career, but it's also destroyed college for me. Every time I think of college, I'll cry. It's taken away from me what is SUPPOSED to be the "happiest years of my life." Every time I hear an adult spit that one out, I laugh. They must be a "normie" or they wouldn't say that.

Unless this IS the best I'm going to be. Unless it's only going to get worse! O_O Noooooo!!!!!

One of the worst things about this, though, is that BD is genetic, so that means that from conception, I'm just bound for a life of psychotic bullshit. And I know I need to find some stress relievers in my life, maybe a hobby that I can lose myself in, but it's hard to take that seriously when 75% of the time I want to kill someone, sometimes myself, and I just fly into a rage at any given moment. I'm like a ticking time bomb. I wish I could just be normal, not bipolar, not crazy, like the "normies", and see what it's like. Because at least they've got their minds, the ability to control their behavior, the ability to function in every day life. I could barely pass math, and it was because I was too melodramatic to cope with it.

So I'll wait and see if my doctor calls me back and we'll see what magical pill we're going to try next. Prozac, maybe, or I can pop some Xannies, OR I can take Paxil like the song!

I really am crazy...o.O

I have been taking lithium for about one week now. I take it three times a day, once when I get up in the morning, once after lunch, and once in the evening. Let me tell you how much it has changed me.

In one week's time, I started brushing my hair and teeth again. I started getting up in the morning earlier and putting on actual clothes, not sleeping in until 1 or 2 PM like I used to. I shower just about every day. I am more concerned with the way I look. I stopped thinking nasty thoughts about how I look, and started having thoughts about what I can do to lose weight and look and feel healthier.

I am less anxious and slightly less irritable. I am not depressed. I can fall asleep at night more easily than before. I do not even think for a moment about ending my life the way I used to. Instead, I think of how excited I am to be going back to State College in a few weeks, thinking about how I need to make a list of furniture to bring for the apartment. I do not feel despair over finances anymore. I think of how I need to get a job and work hard but I do not feel overwhelmed. I am psyched for the first day of classes in every way.

I do not want to get in my car and crash it somewhere. I do not look at my huge bottle of lithium capsules and feel a desire to take all of them at once. I look forward to the next time I need to take one because I know it will keep me going. The only thing I wish is for a way to remember how many pills I have taken, since I take 3 per day and sometimes forget how many I just took.

I no longer think about wanting to die. I am filled with hope even with all of my hardships. I now enjoy babysitting again. I do not go to babysit every Tuesday and Thursday evening with the idea that I need to do it for the kids, pretend to be happy for them...I am happy! I look forward to doing things with them, catching fireflies, playing soccer, coloring pictures of Wall-E, looking at photographs of the planets on the computer, doing "Bob Bob" puzzles and singing along with Rock Band. It is something that gives me great joy, like it always did way back in the past.

I could cry right now...but I'd be crying with joy. Is this what it feels like to be normal? Not manic, not suicidal, not depressed, but NORMAL and HAPPY???? Is this what I've been missing since I turned sixteen? If I feel like this after only one week, how much better can it get??????

Love, A  Very Happy Katie

Last week I went to Riddle Hospital, which is down the street from my boyfriend's house, to get blood work done. Dr. N wants to evaluate me to see if I'm suitable to take lithium. He finally got my test results back and they were normal so he said I could drop off my prescription at the pharmacy and start taking it right away. I had the prescription filled this afternoon and was shocked: $15 for an entire bottle! Dr. B wasn't kidding when she said lithium is the cheapest of all bipolar medications.

So now I'm at home with a huge bottle of 90 300 mg pills. Dr. N to start by taking just one in the mornings and see how I do, then if I feel okay, to add a second pill at mid-day, and if I still feel okay, to add the third and final pill in the evening. Matt was reading the bottle and said that it is going to make me tired and needs to be taken with food and water. All my other medication has always made me incredibly tired, especially the Geodon, and ESPECIALLY with alcohol. I've heard that lithium will make me fat but Dr. N says that's not always true. He had a patient who took it for twenty years and didn't gain a pound.

I'm looking at the bottle of "horse tranquilizers" (though Matt says they're the same size as Tylenol, I still think they're huge) and wondering, if my doctor was right about these pills being so cheap, could she also be right about their effectiveness? Anyone have any experience with lithium carbonate that they'd like to share?

Like that song by the Offspring...awesome band...

So I'm sitting in my room. It is July 17. It is also four o'clock in the morning. It is 90 degrees outside my window. It is 90 degrees here in my bedroom. I am drenched in a layer of sweat and it is almost difficult to breathe. That's why it's after 4 AM and I'm still wide awake. Why is it that we have central AC and heat in this house and my room is still an igloo in the winter and an oven in the summer?

I am not sleeping here anymore for the rest of the summer. I'm staying at Matt's house where he has two fans and an air conditioner unit in his room. The only reason I didn't go straight to his house after babysitting like I usually do is because I have a doctor's appointment with my psychiatrist at 11:30 that I can't afford to miss. I missed the last one because I slept in and couldn't get to the office in time. I slept in because I fell asleep at an insane hour BECAUSE my room was an oven. I am a normal warm-blooded human being which means my body is affected by the outside temperature surrounding it. It was sweltering hot so I couldn't get comfortable and fall asleep until like 5 AM. I'll be lucky tonight if I even fall asleep at all. I'm just so pissed at myself for this. I'l telling my dcotor that from now on, for the rest of the summer, I am only available on Tuesdays and Thursdays during the afternoons. No more sleeping here in my own bed, EVER again.

Still, I think I should be evaluated for a sleep disorder. Some nights I do not sleep for a single solitary minute. Other nights I will sleep 12 to 14 hours straight without waking up. Still other nights I feel hyper and it will take me 3 + hours to fall asleep. Oh wait a minute, that sounds a lot like the mania. Doesn't bipolar affect sleep patterns? Just one more reason to hate this stupid disease. It makes me fat, self-conscious, anxious, paranoid, suicidal, irrational, irritable, and really, to sum it all up, it makes me CRAZY!

How many medications have I tried? I've been on depakote, lamictal, abilify, geodon, invega (sp?) over the past four years or so. My psychiatrist and psychologist are having disagreements over whether or not I should be put on lithium. My psychologist thinks it's great because it's been shown to be the most effective bipolar treatment, helping just about every patient, and is considerably cheaper than any other medication. My psychiatrist says it can damage the liver and kidneys and mess up my blood pressure because it is a salt. My cousin says lithium is notorious for weight gain. Not exactly something I need right now, I got FAT over the past year. But I really want to feel better. Maybe if the lithium helps me feel better and stabilizes my mood, I will be more motivated to lose weight, eat healthier, and take better care of myself. Even still, I can't stand to see myself like this. My current physical appearance would be cause enough for me to want to kill myself. I am disgusting! Gross!

Matt and I have been having a lot of discussions amongst each other lately about our future. I want so badly for him to propose to me. I realize, of course, that we are still mere children ourselves, college seniors (he is 20, I am almost 22). But my psychologist, a woman who knows what she is talking about, and who has gained my unconditional trust and respect over the years, told Matt and I at one of my sessions that he attended, that as long as we have the committment to each other and want to make it work, and truly want to be together, then it will fall into place and not to stress too much about the when and where, but to just go ahead and get engaged. It's all about committment. I want to refer Matt back to that session. I think it was almost a year ago she said that. Well, a lot has changed since then, but doesn't he still love me? I know I still love him.

He says one of the reasons he doesn't want to do it is because he's afraid I will be distracted from my school work with planning and daydreaming about the wedding. But isn't that the kind of thing I need in my life right now? Something so wonderful and meaningful to look forward to? What's wrong with a little wedding obsession?

Something else that's been plaguing me lately...On Facebook I am a member of various atheist groups. I have been an adament atheist throughout my teenage and young adult years. For those of you who are more religious or who just don't know...atheism is the belief that there is no superior diety, no gods, no supernatural force, nothing. It is evolution, Big Bang, planets and solar system all the way. To me, the Bible is a disgusting book that condones sexism, racism, slavery, religious intolerance, murder, vengeance, and other acts of violence. I can't stand when people quote the Bible, it pisses me off so much and I want to CRY knowing that two books of the Bible were written by women (supposedly, the names of two books were female names so who really knows who wrote them). I would think that something as disgusting as that would be a man's creation and I am ashamed to think a woman would contribute to such garbage.

AT THE SAME TIME...

I have so many wonderful memories of my childhood years going to Christmas Eve services at Upper Dublin Lutheran Church, Sunday School, doing car washes, fund raisers, Children's Choir, the Daniel in the Lion's Den skit that we kids did, Youth Group...I can't even list everything. Atheists believe that when we die, we don't go to heaven because there is no heaven, and we don't go to hell because there is no hell. We fall asleep forever and rot in the ground. Nothing happens. In fact, no one really knows for sure what happens, but it's more logical to think that you rot in the ground forever (clearly that's what dead bodies do, they decompose) rather than thinking your soul goes to heaven / hell when there is no evidence that such a thing exists.

On one hand, I would rather believe in heaven where I can see my great grandparents, all the cats I used to know, the guy who sat behind me in 12th grade English class before he killed himself, the girl from 8th grade who died of the flu, etc. I want to believe in it because it sounds so much better than the atheist view. But no matter how hard I try, I just...I can't conceive of something like that. It doesn't make sense to me. There is no God. Creation is being debunked as we find more and more evidence that points toward evolution and the Big Bang. And as I keep hoping for my problems to diminish every day, for my bipolar to get better, to lose weight, for my kitten not to die and my grandfather to get in better health, nothing gets better, God is not answering my prayers not because he doesn't care but because he simply isn't there. So no matter how hard I try to tell myself that there is life after death, that death really isn't so cold and terrible, I can't trick myself into believing something I know simply isn't true.

I envy a lot of Christians in so many ways. Yes, I think some of the zealots are a bit brainwashed. Yes, I think extremist religion is responsible for a lot of horrors in the world (being burned at the stake, Holocaust, 9-1-1, Middle Eastern wars, etc.), I can see the good in it. It brings a sense of comfort and meaning to one's life. If I could take one lesson from Christianity, it would be "Love thy neighbor as thyself."

And then you've got those asshole homophobes who completely ignore that rule and just treat gay people like total garbage, which isn't really going by what Jesus apparently said in the Bible anyway...

But there's so much good from it too, do you see why I'm mixed up? Gah, this turned out to be a religious tangent. Funny how my entries tend to do that. =)

Well it is 4:34 AM. The clock on my entry is behind an hour I think. Don't know how to fix it. Going to go find something else to drink and try to breathe under my layer of sweat.

An update from last time:

Remember that "wonderful family" that I mentioned in my last entry that I worked for as a nanny? Yeah, well I don't work for them anymore!!! She was one of those "helicopter moms", you know, the ones who hover a lot. She hardly ever left me alone with her child, and then finally one day we were at her mother's house and she was supposed to be at work. She stayed the whole day, from the time I arrived at 9:45 that morning until I left at 2:30. She made her son breakfast and lunch, she changed his diaper twice (because apparently he had a scratch on his butt that IIIIII gave him) and sat at the dining room table the whole rest of the time I was playing with her son in the living room. Then finally, she took him in to put him down for a nap. Now, she had told me herself that I was the best of anyone at putting him down for naps, including her and her husband. So I sit on the couch and listen to him screaming from the bedroom, wondering when she's going to cave in and let me do it the right way. I would've had him asleep in under two minutes, guaranteed.

So after twenty minutes of screaming, he's finally quiet for about ten minutes and then she came out. "I feel terrible," she said. "I nursed him. I just couldn't listen to him cry like that."

Yeah...he's TWO and she NURSES him. And let's not even talk about what she said. "I just couldn't listen to him cry like that." Now I don't like hearing kids cry any more than she did. But face it, KIDS CRY AND SOMETIMES THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO!!! Stop spoiling your kid, stop nursing him...he's two...I mean he's potty training now!!!...and stop being a bitch! You're only hurting your own child when you just cave in every time he wants something. Ever hear a spoiled brat yell at his mom? Ever see a spoiled kid? I have. They're miserable and it is the PARENTS' fault. So you can nurse him and he'll be happy and go to sleep, but you're only going to make it harder for the two of you in the future. Kids need to learn from the beginning that they CANNOT always have their way. While I never tell them stories about the harsh and cruel world we live in, I do teach them that they can't always get what they want.

Then she has the nerve to tell me I'm neglecting her child because he had diaper rash because I didn't change him right away. Now if you're reading this and you're a parent, PLEASE comment and tell me the ridiculousness of this. Like you must be a big saint Debi, because he's never gotten diaper rash on YOUR watch. You're perfect! You don't make mistakes! Parents certainly never give their own kids diaper rash!!! (Even though I know two parents who are like family to me who say it's happened to them). I have NEVER had a parent EVER complain about anything with me beyond "hey, don't drink the last soda in the fridge next time." It was a major insult and a blow on my heart because I had been told for the first time that I was neglectful and in my state of mind, I needed to fight to believe it wasn't, and isn't, true.

Seriously Debi, if the only basis you had to fire me was because your son got diaper rash while I was watching him...good LUCK finding someone better! Your loss, bitch!

Oh wait, but she didn't fire me, I quit!!!

So anyway, I am still with Heather and Steve and their kids Brendan (5) and Mara (2). I have been with them for over a year now. I love them. Today we made Father's Day frames for Steve. I am planning on doing a Blue's Clues piggy bank with them next week. See Debi, what your son is missing because you had to be such a helicopter mom / bitch?

Many people will argue and say, yes, she has the right to be like that, it's her son. Fine, fair enough, yes she has the right to treat me disrespectfully because of her son. But she also has the right to lose an awesome nanny because of her insecurities. I also think she was jealous because her son was attached to me and we had bonded so well. Even though most smart parents will realize that they, as parents, will always come first no matter how awesome a nanny I am. Yes...SMART parents know this.

Anyway, so I have been miserable ever since that happened. My first day was May 4th and my last day was June 3rd. Ever since that day, I have felt miserable. I picked up Lyme disease when I was camping over Memorial Day weekend, so I am taking antibiotics for it (I'll be fine, we caught it way early and it can be cured). But on top of that, I have bipolar and I feel like I want to die. My psychologist is going to ask my psychiatrist, basically, why the hell I wasn't put on lithium four years ago, why I'm still wasting my time picking through medications and fighting to get my psychiatrist to return my phone calls even in a state of emergency.

Almost every night for the past few weeks, I have hosted a strong urge to kill myself. Sometimes, like now, when I am alone and have no one to talk to, I just cry and no one hears me and it will all be better in the morning. But then I ask God to please, don't let me wake up. Let me die peacefully in my sleep. But then I wake up and have to face the day because I know God doesn't answer prayers because God isn't real.

I have thought about it. There are butcher knives in the kitchen utensil drawer downstairs. I could pop pills. I could get in the shower and burn myself again, even though I already took a shower today.

But when you have nothing left to live for, all of these options seem too harmless...

These past few weeks have been tough for me. I've transitioned to a new job. I am now a nanny for a wonderful family and their two-year old boy. The parents are awesome and genuinely kind, the little boy is a bundle of fun and joy, and I'm really enjoying my new job. I'm home from State College for the summer, and I've moved all my stuff back. It's a relief to have all that done and over with, as it was a real pain to do in the first place. On August 11th my boyfriend Matt and I are moving to a new apartment complex right before the fall semester begins at Penn State. I am eager to start classes again as I missed most of last semester due to my...craziness.

I haven't been on my medication in a week and a half because I haven't been able to get to my doctor's office to pick up the samples. The way it's looking right now, I'm going to have to suffer through the initial side effects all over again as I get back into it. But that's got to be better than what I'm going through right now.

I'm crazy, I'm a true, genuine basket case. I'm not sure if it's because I'm bored with my life, if I just want something, anything, new to happen to me, or if it's just my wacky brain, or what. But lately, I've had these strange obsessions, desires, fantasies, whatever you want to call them, a desire for something bad, really bad, to happen to me. It's been like an absolute, complete obsession with me, especially these past few weeks. I'm just going to flat out say this right now and get it over with:

 I have no idea where this desire came from. I have no idea why I have it. But I can tell you 100% that I do.

Last June I was struggling with this same problem. It got so out of control, I got into my car and took a detour on the way to my boyfriend;s house one night. He lives near the Delaware border, and the city of Chester is right on the way, right off of I-95. Chester is like the Detroit of Delaware County, that is to say, it's very high in crime.

I was scared I would get too lost, so I drove through some very dark back roads and saw people walking a few times. A part of me wanted to get out of that car, to ask for it, but another part of me told me not to, to stay in the car where it was safe.

Now that I'm looking back on this...I don't really care. My sickness is out of control, and I have given up on trying to bring it back down under control a while ago. I know there's nothing I can do. I'm fighting the urge to drive back to Chester anytime soon with all the strength in my body and mind, which isn't much.

 And all the wise warnings in my head just go right away.

I'm dying to get into the doctor's office and tell my psychologist about it before I do something really destructive 

 Then again, I'm really a psycho freak myself. Right?

Somebody, somewhere, please, tell me what to do! I can't talk to my boyfriend about this at all. Whenever it comes up as a topic of conversation, he shoots it down

Any advice, words of wisdom, or at least comfort? It would be really helpful. I am having a tough time...

I see that it is Mental Health Awareness Month (well almost, in May) and I got an e-mail from Chato, the guy who draws the mental health cartoons. I decided to start updating again. Yeah, I know I say that a lot. I'm so busy sometimes, but I try.

A couple good things:

1) I got a summer job! It's a nanny position with this family and I'll be taking care of their little boy who just turned two not even two weeks ago. The pay is good and I'll be able to work with this other family as well. I've been babysitting with this family for over a year so I'm glad I can do both! Between the two of them, I'll be making about $400 a week.

2) My family's annual camping trip is this July 11th and 12th. Actually it really was something my cousin, sister, boyfriend and I did for the past two summers but now it is definitely a family tradition because it's so much fun! It's at the same place we've been having it, t Knoebels Amusement Park in Elysburg PA, which is about two and a half hours north of where I live back home. I'm SO EXCITED, and I really can't wait. =)

3) Only three more days of my current job at the daycare and then my new job starts. YAY! I'm starting to get bored there. I am only part time, after all.

4) I'm on a new diet as of three days ago because I have a week off in June and want to go for some beach trips. Hence, I want to look good. Wish me luck!

In other news, I am now on 160 mg of Geodon. I finally got over the side effects (headaches, dizziness, pure exhaustion) and I feel better. Hopefully the medicine will keep working! The only pain in the butt thing is that I have to take it with 500 calorie meals. Kind of annoying because sometimes I forget after I eat, like yesterday. :P

I will try to respond to all comments. Thanks for reading!

Sometimes I think I'm still four years old. My body has matured to that of a 21-year old, but I behave like a child a lot of times. Example: I was working on a cross-stitch (pillow) and the thread got knotted up. I pulled on it, because every other time when I pull it, it comes undone. It's just the way it knots I guess. Anyway, I pulled it and the * THREAD SNAPPED!!!!! Of course it was the LONG piece that came off, so that it was just a little length of thread hanging off and I couldn't even knot it and start over with more. I flew into a rage, throwing * and screaming. Luckily no one is home. I felt like the little toddlers I babysit. They're so frustrated and they have no way to channel it. Well, I guess it's not that they have no way to channel their anger. They just don't know how. They're kids. When am I going to learn to get a grip? It's all part of my disorder.

And I'm all messed up now because I'm on new medication. Dr. N put me on 80 mg of Geodon (half the normal dosage) and it KNOCKS ME THE * OUT! Yesterday I was sooooo TIRED...I didn't get over it until closer to 3 in the afternoon. Today was better, I woke up a few times and finally got out of bed at 12:45 in the afternoon. My sister was playing Rock Band 2. She had been playing an 84 song streak since 8 something that morning. I wish I could function like that. I wish I could function at all.

So what crap is going down now? I'm getting ready to medically withdraw from PSU. I'll return in the fall, but right now I just want to work. Not only will I save up money, something I desperately need to do, but I find work less stressful than school. I have a job interview at Sears on Tuesday morning. It's for a stock position. I'm hoping to get lots of hours. Stock is a better position because I won't have to deal with people and I do the same thing over and over. It's very boring, but it pays.

I also hope to return to the gym when I go bck to State College tomorrow. I haven't been there in a while and I think it will help relieve some stress. I have to be careful though. You know how you start to feel a cold coming on? Like you feel weak all over? I feel that way now, especially in my legs. I've been consuming a lot of caffeine lately. Maybe that has something to do with it?

Some bad news: As of now, the student film I was participating in (I was the writer) isn't happening. The main actor, who actually was really good at his part and got along with our other actor wonderfully, was arrested...and since he can't act in the film while behind bars.......we don't have any way to do the film unless we find someone else to replace him. And that takes time. Lots of time. Time we don't have, since it was supposed to take place in the winter. -.-;;

I have calmed down considerably since my little temper tantrum ten minutes ago. I think I'll be okay. I just feel really crappy. I'll be sure to update with what happens with me getting a job. Right now I need to maybe go lie down or get a shower or something. I feel really weak and tired.......I wonder what caused this? I know the medicine makes me tired but, am I getting sick? Hmmmm. Better not be. 

I haven't been doing so well lately, and maybe that's why I'm haven't been updating lately, but I'm here now and that's what matters. On Friday I spent a few hours in Mount Nittany Medical Center. I was feeling so down and hopeless that I was almost tempted to try something. And you know what I mean when I say try something. I called 9-1-1 and had two officers come and pick me up and bring me to the hospital. It wasn't as bad as the time way back when I was 16, but I was still in tears and shaking most of the time. It is a resurfacing of my disease, this thing that makes me a monster, this thing that makes me a stranger even to myself. I haven't been to a single class all week, and now that I'm on Spring Break, I have another whole week to sit around and think about it. I've already changed my major from early childhood education to HDFS. My goal in life is to work with kids in whatever way possible, and at this point I'd rather work in a daycare or be a nanny, and when I talked to my adviser, she said that an HDFS degree would definitely help me in getting a job as a nanny. I'm even starting to get excited about it. At least I'm happy about something. Everything else is a mess. I've been to see several doctors and my medical insurance has run out, so I'm not sure if I'm going to keep getting treatment and medication, or what's going to happen with that. Ugh, my life is such a mess, and that isn't even the half of it!!!

Okay, so first of all, I will start by saying that I haven't exactly been doing too well lately. I HAVE been taking my medicine, but it hasn't been doing it's job because I still feel like crap. Two nights ago I really wanted to get out of bed and call the Suicide Hotline and have them come to carry me away in an ambulance, only to put me in the clinic for a week so I'd miss all my classes and everyone would see how * up I truly am. Luckily, however, that blew over, for the moment, and I am okay. I will continue to take my medication. Maybe it hasn't kicked in yet. If I don't start feeling better within the next month, I am going to have to talk to my psychiatrist about what the hell is going on.

So...now for the thing that is really wrong with me (as if the thing I just posted wasn't enough!) I believe I actually posted something about this last summer, but I will say it again because it is worse than it was then (surprisingly). Last summer I was talking about how I had this strange obsession with the idea of being hurt by men, and how I was into the whole  'being submissive' deal. I read somewhere that 40% of women fantasize about being raped by a complete stranger. I KNOW THIS MIGHT NOT BE ACCURATE!!!! But I remember hearing it somewhere, and it shocked me...until I realized I was truly one of said women. Everyday I think about it: when I'm walking around campus in the dark from class or the gym, when I'm searching for those creepy kinds of rape women-as-victims videos on Youtube.com, etc. I even make it the subject of many of my short stories that I write. In fact, I'm writing one right now, but I'm typing this blog to keep my mind off of things. I try not to think of it too much.

I will repeat some of the related entries on this topic from last June and July, or whenever it was. I remember one day during the spring / summer, my boyfriend's stepfather came back from work and, since he worked as an armed security guard for a company in our area, he was obviously wearing a uniform and had a gun at his side because he was licensed to have one (and still is). When he came in and I saw him, the first thing that went through my head was a short video clip of some guy holding that gun to my head and threatening me. But of course, I couldn't let on that I was thinking that, and so I had to pretend that I was completely mortified and freaked out by it when in actuality I would have loved for nothing more than for him to aim that gun straight at me.

It has gotten so bad that my boyfriend is getting fed up, and he is a pretty patient guy, overall. He got so frustrated that one time he said, "Maybe I should just find someone and give them a little money and tell them to go mug or rape you. Just to scare the living * out of you. Teach you a lesson!" Well, you can imagine my response to an idea like that. My entire face lit up like a Christmas tree and I almost said, "When can you do that by?" but I stopped myself just in time. Still, he saw my face and told me, "Don't get any smart ideas. If I were going to do it, it would be extremely violent. You shouldn't want to be raped anyway. You'll be left there with bruises and a broken arm. You think that's fun?"

Oh yes. Well, maybe it's not all I think it is. But I'm crazy, so I'm entitled to think things like this. The real question is, what the hell do I do? I'm going nuts with desire. Last summer I even went driving around in Chester, the slums of Delaware County, looking for trouble. Luckily for my loved ones, nothing happened (or I'd be telling a completely different story). The point is, if I did it before, could I do it again? Would I?

Hell yeah. But how do I stop myself from doing something that is potentially very dangerous just so I can get something I only think I want? If that makes sense. Any advice? I'll try to comment back for everyone if I have time. I'll try my best.

Thanks to my fellow RMH people!

Tonight I went to the mall and bought a book at Border's called "Bipolar: Breaking the Cycle". I'm going to read it all and try to understand more about myself. I didn't realize that not too many people have it. Less than 2% of the American population have either type (I and II). I don't even know which type I have, but I know type II is rarer. I got this from skimming over the beginning of the book before buying it. By understand myself, maybe I can understand how to get better?

I started eating better and exercising, as part of my NY's resolution. Since then, I've felt a lot better. I've had lots of energy to get stuff done, and I've already been on two walks, one on the treadmill, and one around the neighborhood. It's been pure awesome-ness. =)

Part of the reason I'm feeling better is that I've been taking my medicine. I'm going to see my psychiatrist today at 4:30. I'm kind of nervous. Not about him, but that my mom's taking me and she's probably going to come into the office with me. I don't mind her being there, but it's always a little awkward talking about crap and then leaving, pretending it never happened, that we never said anything. Maybe it's better that way.

Anyway, the important thing is that I feel better. Yaaaaaay!!!

I always miss Matthew when I am away from him for more than a day. This weekend I am visiting my grandparents until Sunday. My dad, cousin, and sister are here with me too. All I can do is think about him. I remember yesterday I mentioned his name and my grandmother says she doesn't think he is the perfect match because he doesn't like to do the same things as I do.

Okay, first of all, who said anything about a "perfect match"? Nobody is perfect. Nothing is ever perfect. And second, just because we're a little different doesn't mean we're not going to make it. He's good at math but terrible at English and spelling. I'm exactly the opposite. In high school, I helped him write papers and he tutored me in math, sometimes late into the night until we got it right. So you can tell I feel a little bitter being told that my boyfriend and I won't make it because we're "different", especially by someone who doesn't know anything about the kind of relationship we have, and who doesn't know Matthew the way I do!

Yeah, so I'm feeling a little bit homesick right now. I want to go home and work out, see the kittens, and, most of all, see my little Matthew! Though I have been thinking lately that I have been way too clingy to him. I understand that I've got to be a really annoying person to have to live with, what with being bipolar and all. I try, but I still am a pain. I told Matthew that I would end up breaking his heart and that he should leave me. I told him that a few nights ago when I was manic like never before. I know I have broken his heart before and I don't want to anymore. :'( I love him too much.........