I dont really know where to start at this point.  I have started a million journals, wrote in them for a while, lost them, thrown them away or just plain ignored them.

I am a good writer.  I am famous for beating myself up, and having low self-esteem, and self-confidence.  But I have always been good in English and writing.  I know I am able to articulate myself well, and its funny but it is the only thing I give myself credit for being good at. Yet, when it comes to the journaling I just procrastinate or make excuses not to do it.  I have had some extremely important revelations that have come directly from my writing, journaling etc.  Not that I dont know this, but I have several major mental health issues.  I am only putting this out here because if I decide to open this up to the public, I would like to let everyone know what my background is... Someday I would like to write a book, a short story or an essay of some type about my experiences, my life and my issues.  How they have affected every aspect of my life, in so many ways.  How I wish it wasnt so hard to get through life in my head.

I am getting treated by a very excellent team of psychiatrists and other mental health professionals at the present time.  Most of my life I was not.   I was treated like an alien, a foreigner, an outcast. I was told I didnt have any problems, just addictions.  I was kicked out of institutions with no referals, no idea of what the hell was wrong with me, or what to do.  So I did what was familiar to me, I tried to numb the pain the best I could.  I did that by using drugs and alcohol.  I had done it since I was 12 years old.  I always knew something was wrong with me. Now I am getting the treatment I need (I think). I am receiving ECT (shock therapy) because I have been resistant to many different medications and combonations of medications.  I have problems with my memory, both long and short term. But I think some of those existed long before the ECT. I have a very supportive fiance, a beautiful dog who honestly saved my life, and a wonderful psychiatrist who has gone way beyond the call of duty to help me.  So, hopefully maybe I have come upon something that will help me to achieve some sense of stability and self-esteem.  Who knows what the future holds?  I wish it wasn't so hard.