Hello Everyone,

I'm finally coming into my God-give place of responsibility. My mother shouldn't have to pay my way through life. I have to do it on my own instead of being dependent on her all the time. I want to scream and yell really loud that I think all of my game playing and being childlike has come to a hard place and I'm no longer living in a fantasy life. I've got to face the music now! I am and it makes me feel so sad that I haven't seen it until now. I'm gonna be a responsible woman now. My sister once told me I was annoying. I guess the rest of the world sees me that way too.

I'm ashamed of the way I've lived. I It's not fair to use people this way. I'm so miserable living this way. I'm so selfish and self centered. I'm not saying that for pity's sake, I'm saying it as a eye opener to myself and an apology to everyone I've hurt and let down. I need to change. Please God help me to change from my selfish ways. I used to want to go to a Day Treatment program but really I feel I'm not that bad off. I'm not like someone who is really struggling with reality. I can function and I'm smart at some length. I feel too smart for the hard to reach, seriously ill ones, but I feel too spacey and childlike for the "normal" people I live around. Where do I belong? I hate this. I see my mental illness I have as a problem and a let down to my family especially my son, but they are so good to me. My mother goes overboard to make me happy. She gives into the things I ask her for like she gives me extra money to make my appointments to see my psych doctor even though I'm using her car and should be buying gas myself. Thank God that I see it now. God you have never failed me yet! I"m getting better and better as each day passes. Now help me to do what is right thing to do. The fair, normal, acceptable way I can so my mother wouldn't feel used and my sister too.

Shygirl