new babys not ready to come out ..he not here in week ..he be comeing out any way ..dr said so ..this pic is of my othere grandbaby .and her mom ..she one ..the day it took ...lisa is the only girl baby i had ..thats her baby ..soon as that little buger comes out i show you pic of him ..they ran test on her yesterday ..said he good ..he 8 pounds ..got big head ..his fanger was in mouth ..that best part of my day ..then on way home ..lisa suv ..belt broke ..i had tell her to let me get  them home ..it ran water pump ..we have lot of  hills ..i go up hill turn off ..roll down hill ..it never came close to hot ..and i got them home ....there one man stop ask if we wonted him pull us home ..we said ok ..but then he wonted to take one of us home get car ..jessy sister wonted to do this ...she 17 teen ..she not listen to her older sister ..i got out walk up to man ..frist thing i saw ..hand gun ..on dash ..covered up ..i saw butt then i moved little i say it was in hoster too ...then i saw kinfe ..big one too ..by leg ..was he bad man ..i dont know ..i know this much ..that girl was not get in that truck ..i told him we got it ..look at her she going open her big mouth ..i said ..only get that truch ..if you wont me drage you out beat hell out you ..the man got gun and kinfe get you ..back in suv ...then i get home ..now i had 4 hrs sleep ..so im take me nap ..jessy and sister ..was going to the store ..ran over biggest black ..dog you ever saw ..it my dog ..know this is 2 dog of mine ..in last two months ..i try get her ..she ran ..i cant find her ..i look every were ..i love this dog ..i had her for 8 years ..she big but best outside dog you could have ..i gess she dead ..right before i got to bed ..lisa and them wont go out to eat ..bag me to watch my grandbaby ..who was sick ..and have fit ...today not been much better ....i have to wait tell you latter ..anyone on here haveing  bad day ..if real bad ..tomorrow got be better ..if not give it afew days ..it will ..i hope one day you all get everything you wish for ...in life                 ...................ally

Sitting here in front of the PC with the TV on behind me sort of doing two things at once. I took my medication at eleven snd I don't feel drowsy, tired or sleepy.
     Read my horoscope for Saturday and it said I will find a way to entertain myself even if I become bored. I don't put much credence in horoscopes it is just fun to catch them fibbing.
     I have some other things to do so I will be off. Expect a new journal in the morning. Good Night.

I had no idea this was available...I found it by accident...I usually just go to my chatroom and try to talk to people...I am not a social person...But I do dislike being so alone...I don't have any idea what to talk about,but being in the room with you people brings comfort...Please be patient and perhaps I'll turn back into someone interesting...Thank You!

I keep having the same re-occuring dream. In it I am talking to my Zack, both of us standing at my door about to leave (I assume). I ask him "You speak of two paths, I am one.. who is the other?" He replies with a name. "I can't compete" I say, and continue with "I will make this easy on you, please take the other path. He is closer to your age, closer to where you live, and can most likely give you a more exciting life" He agrees. I fall to my knees without holding back the tears. He dissapears. It is my end, I cannot continue.

Hi all;  haven't been here for a while, just plodding along trying not to slip into a state of complete inertia.  It would be so easy to just stop moving, doing...breathing; I won't though, it's not just about me; there's a couple of dogs and a cat that like me pretty good, and I would not leave my mother a nasty mess to clean up.  I'm taking another stab at learning to draw-going back and learning the basic shapes used in sketching: cube, triangle, circle etc.  We'll see how it goes.  A storm front is moving through: lots of wind-not much moisture.  It sounds like our hospital may close. If it does it will really hurt this already struggling community.  The nearest medical care will be sixty mile away, and alot of people will die because they can't get help in time.  It will also hurt our chances for growth.  Always something.  I'm happy for the most part; I know that God has everything already figured out, but still I just want to be on the computer and watch TV.  I don't want to deal with the harshness of reality.  Take care all...

Thanks for adding me to your friend's list here. I have not been on here for awhile. I mostly go on facebook as

facebook.com/iris.springflower

Anyway, here is a safe place to share about my Bipolar Type 2 and PTSD as on general sites like Facebook, I notice sometimes others feel uncomfortable reading about the above.

I just added in my Facebook Profile that I will continue to share about "ALL" of me there, though. I have Type 2 Diabetes too and to me, Bipolar and Diabetes are the same, in the fact that there is no stigma in either illness.

I SUPPORT All of you here, by the way.

Take Care All, Iris Yarngal

seeing that this is my first entry i thought maybe i should go easy, but i find that impossible. ive never shared how i feel and what i go through with anyone except my psychiatrist, therapist, or wife before. Im going through a med change right now because the old wasn't helping with the voices that haunt my life. I am afraid of side effects but am told they should be tolerable. at this time as i write i feel as though i am very close to loosing it. my mind and body feel foriegn to me and i feel like pulling the hair from my head. i feel very distant from the life i wish i could have. every thought i have is contradicted by the voices and i often have trouble distinguishing them from one another which has a tendency to cause me great confusion and anguish. i can only hope and pray for better times

 

 

I have not been writing as much because I have as much today.  I would like to ask about which other sites to go to.  I go to the same few sites all the time with the same interests.  Frankly, the internet bores me and that is scaring me.  I do have a problem with fear true, but not to this point.  I want to go all the way through the internet and expand my daily reading of sites.  I have many interests but I want to indulge and have new ones.  I go to the same 15-20 sites everyday and I don't know where I should begin.  That is the problem with my life.  I have a limited social life, I'm looking for transportation so that I could get to work.  The jobs are out there, but the transportation issue is a little tricky.  That is even harder than finding work.  It is not as if I am unqualified but because of this economy the jobs have grown more scarce. 

Now about the naps.  They do me a lot of good.  I have had an interesting day in terms of my mind.  I had a more manic day and now my mind is calmed down.  I have thoughts of cheating military wives, particularly those who are promiscuous.  I know why I have these thoughts.  They are based on strong opinions that I have of morality and religion.  It is such a sad situation that people feel that they have to cheat in order to deal with loneliness, sadness, and pain.   Thereby, they don't realize that it causes more pain.  Anyways, those are the thoughts that I have.  My biggest fear?  That I will "encounter" a real life scenario of these thoughts that will trigger new thoughts.

   TODAY I FEEL LIKE POOP I STARTED TAKING MY MEDICINE AGAIN AND I STILL FEEL LIKE POOP!I HATE THE FACT THAT THERE IS ONLY MEDICINE AND NO CURE FOR THIS DISEASE .DOES ANYBODY KNOW IF THERE IS EVEN STUDY ON THAT AT ALL?ANYWAY ALOT OF MY FEELING LIKE POOP IS BECAUSE OF CHOICES THAT I HAVE MADE IN THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS REALLY MADE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF.PEOPLE SAY ITS BECAUSE OF BIPOLAR I SAY ITS CONVICTION AND WHAT WAS SO STRANGE ABOUT IT WAS THAT EVEN THOUGH I FELT BAD I KINDA FELT HAPPY THET I FELT BAD,DO YOU RECKON THATS CRAZY OR WHAT?

I really do not have anything to say. I didn't sleep that well and I feel depressed and that I just do not have the strength to fit in to this world.

I feel weak and insignificant.

Take care all.

My pattern of sleep for the last 36 hours was broken into being woken at four in the morning with a phone call yesterday to not getting to sleep till 3am today. My day was destroyed with my sleeping from about 11am till 6:30pm and my not even dressing the entire day Thursday.
     Darkness fell upon me yesterday as I realized my entire day was gone and a feeling of uselessness came over me. I had slept away chances to do things and even meals had escaped.
     I had things that where important; at least to me, which I must do today or find myself lacking essentials for the week ahead. That phone call at 4am yesterday had upset the apple cart making for one screwed up day.
     I will play catch-up for the next few days in my sleep and my responsibilities hoping there are no interruptions. The weekend will give me that chance and today will be trying to reach people who work a shout for a service to me.
     Wish me luck in getting back in step with myself and properly functioning in my little space in the world. Take care.


RisperdalGuy

Hello Everyone,

I'm feeling pretty good today. The medicine cocktail that was prescribed by my doctor is working its magic. While I was being seen by the nurse practitioner in my psych doctor's office, I asked her if she saw any signs that I could one day be off of my medicine completely. She replied, "No, I seriously doubt it. With you having schizoaffective disorder, you'll probably be taking medication for the duration of your life." Believe it or not I am kinda happy that's true. Now I can stop fighting to try to make God heal me. I was in so much doubt that I could be sick and also be in His will at the same time. God is all about healing all of my diseases, but he is healing me through medication and psychotherapy.  It was so hard trying to please my mother and sister because they don't like the thought of me being sick mentally. They've believed that I have so much potential, but I believe that my being mentally ill is helping them to see that mentally ill patients aren't all that dangerous. We are a part of a great network of people just seeking love, support, understanding, and the proper help from the mental health services out there. Has anyone else had a hard time just being themselves around people who are not mental ill. The stigma still remains since Sigmond Freud got started. Has anyone else noticed how antiquated the facility buildings are for mental  patients? It's like they think a mentally ill person won't care about where they're put to get better, but a person reacts to their environment. I believe we'd get better quicker if we had more modern type furniture, showers, and sleeping and waiting areas. We'd at least feel as if the people taking care of us see us as people and not just want to give us anything to contain us in. It's not like we don't have feelings or we don't want to better ourselves. We'd feel better if they would see us as people that want to be treated like everyone else.

Well, that's enough for me. I hope I don't lose this before it's too late. Thanks for listening.

Shygirl

My parents are in town to see my aunt - who has now been moved from intensive care to a normal ward - great news, she's finally on the mend.

They are also helping my sister and her bf with some DIY, as they have just put a conservatory in, and need shelves etc. I offered my help, but it wasn't needed. I'm hopeless at DIY anyway, so wouldn't have been much assistance. The company would have been nice though.

I have run out of Valium and antidepressants. I have no idea when I took extra fluoxetine, but I get I must have; they will not prescribe any more until next week. The leaflet advises to not stop taking them without speaking to a Dr, but I have no choice in the matter.

I see my shrink on Tuesday. I hope things go better than last time. Maybe he will remember me this time, and already know that I ended up in the general hospital twice, and the mental hospital (outpatient) once. If he doesn't remember I will sit there for 10 minutes whilst he reads my file. Then he will talk to me for 3 or 4 minutes.... and that's it! No chance to explain how I'm feeling. Very unsatisfactory. Perhaps I expect too much from an already underfunded sector of the NHS. At least the UK has the NHS, or I would be getting no treatment at all.

I finally had a decent nights sleep - from 21:00 to 05:15. I look and feel a lot better because of this. I don't think I had nightmares, but since I wasn't aware of any dreaming when I woke up, I do not know this for sure. The current medications I am on have stopped me lucid dreaming. I love lucid dreaming; it's like a computer game, but a million times more advanced. Virtual reality from 100's of years in the future!

I hope you are doing well today

Webb

Maggie94 Triggers or life stressors certainly seem to keep my BP in flux. I know we all experience stress in our lives, some worse than others. I also know that only I can control, to some degree anyway, the people, places, and things in my life, including those that both cause me stress and those that bring me joy. While change is a fact of life, I find it difficult, very difficult, to make some of the positive changes needed that will help reduce my triggers. I am trying to grasp, by living, the concept of "one day at a time." It is very hard for me to stay in the here and now, and not to project about my future or focus on the past.

Where I should start I dont even know? I have started pulling away from my family and numb myself to the loss. Telling myself it will hurt less this way. I have no hope and my thought process isn't as sharp as my tongue is to hurt the loved ones around me for nothing theyve done. So I isolate myself it lonely and I cant stand it, I sleep all day or just communicate on this lap top. I have no desire to do anything. To even get better when I say I feel guttrd inside I tryly mean that nothing I feel nothing, because after a while it was to much pain to hold I just told my mind to rmpty all thoughts and connections so they dont effect me. I need to be hypnotized its been over a year and nothing I m getting worse if anything and dont know what tio do, at this rate Ill be in the hospital if nothing changes.

 

DOES IT EVER FEEL LIKE PEOPLE MIGHT LISTEN BUT THEY ATE NOT HEARING WHAT YOU ARE SAYING.

I haven't taken my medication in a while yet strangely I am feeling so much better.  I realize it is actually based on how I can take care of myself.  I have had so many thoughts that I believe the side effects are a fast beating heart, worry, lack of focus, and fear and dread.  I have suffered from all of these for the past few years now and I am recovering though I still have my thoughts.

Right now I am watching the report on 7 people killed at the Air Force base, and 12 were wounded.  This is a rather scary situation and I will pray for all of those involved.  I hate to sound calloused but I have noticed that when I focused on reality, my thoughts lessen.  What happened in Texas is far more important than anything that is unreal stemming from thoughts in my head.

What is so sad is that I am afraid that i am  having thoughts that are triggered by the shooting.  I am having thoughts about women who are promiscuous as their husbands are out there serving the country.  It is a sick thought to have, but that is what is going on.

well this is going to be a long one. my last journal was from the tow boats. since i\'ve quit working on boats. then i went to shore side and worked there for a while paid really well but sucks up your entire life. finally got tired of playing the little stright boy and decided i would prefer to be poor than play that anymore. so i started working at jr\'s a local gay club. worked there for a while till they promoted someone i trained before me. the boss was all into little mexican boys and that\'s what he was so no fun. then i went to work at joe\'s crab shack as a server. had alot of fun there till we got a new boss and she didn\'t understand the concept of the restraunt wanted everyone to be very serious when the restraunt is based on people having fun with the customers. i finally quit there, and i\'m playing housewife at the moment seems like more work than any of the other jobs sometimes. okay done with the job stuff.

the best news is i have a bf soon to be fiance now. been together for almost 2 years now, and i love him very very much. anyways i may get into more later, but for now i\'m going to cut out.

Its Bonfire Night here in the UK. I haven't been over to the town bonfire in years, mainly because of my illness but also it is cold this time of year (I know I'm a wuss). Luckily the place it is held, and the fireworks display is just outside the back of my house so I can switch the lights off and open the curtains and just enjoy the display in the comfort of my own home. It is also something me and my Dad would sit watching out the upstairs window. The most unfortunate thing is the weather, its raining heavily and its very windy so the fireworks are drifting quite away across the sky and they are some what subdued by the rain.

"Remember, remember the Fifth of November,

The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,

I know of no reason

Why the Gunpowder Treason

Should ever be forgot."

As for me, well I woke up feeling really tense but it eased once I got up. For the last few hours I have been working on a CD playlist, I am trying to find my favourite 20 christmas songs and then put them in some kind of order.

I can here fireworks from the streets nearby, its quit a big night here and the last we have until christmas. If only Guy Fawkes had succeeded Britain might be a better place. If you are wondering what I am talking about go to wikipedia and type in Guy Fawkes, also if you have seen the movie V For Vendetta then you will have some idea.

Take care everyone. Much Love.

Having the right tools do a job or project is the first step in recovery. If I don't have a screwdriver, how it is possible to screw in a screw? If I don't have a ladder how can I change the lightbulb in the kitchen? You get the idea.

Recovery (Not recovered) from my illness needs the right tools to maintain a balance. If I don't take my meds then I will suffer greatly. If a hand is extended and I do not reach back, I'm alone.

The tools I use are quite simple, meds, excerise, eating right, sleeping enough, writing a journal, taking a break from my illness and taking the helping hand that's offered.

Another key tool is giving back unselfishly. I have to remember that I am not alone. My experiences are not unique unto me alone. Many travel the same paths.

People helping people is a fundemental philosophy of caring for others, empathy if you will. I cannot go through life alone. I need help alot of times. Sometimes the help is right in front of me other times I have to seek the answers.

My tool box doesn't have all the necessary tools but in time and through time I can acquire the right tools.

Keep your feet on the ground, the sun on your face and the wind at your back. Live, love, laugh, learn, listen, David

well today is a differant but the same ole day as usual.i am trying day by day to deal with things now that my whole life has done been turned upside down and ripped apart.i so know its a day by day process but its like i am just sitting and watching years of my life just go by and there is nothing i can do about it.i have lost my family my marriage have hurt my family and children my husband all because of a disease that i have completely no control over.medication doesen't seem to help.i relly miss my life i had.i so wish that i could have my mind back. i sometimes feel like i have nothing to offer anyone and if i do i am scared that i will do something wrong to mess it up.i really hate feeling like this.i really need a miracle.