Somtimes it just hits me that maybe we are all in a big movie and we don't know it. It'd be nice if it were a Monty Python flick at least there would be humour. However,  I think it's a dark commedy where you want to laugh but not sure you should. If you haven't noticed I'm letting my mind go. I'm alone for the next 3 weeks. I have a ton of school work to do. I still feel depressed and am desperately trying to find things good about my life. I'm craving Krispy Kreme doughnuts but the nearest one is 95 miles away. Thanks for listening to me  express myself. I appreciate all of you who have supported me.

Kathleen

I finished my first semester at this college I am going to with the completion of my final today ( I made an 96). Now i just have to get my grade back on summary of the New Testament assignment. My next class starts Monday. I am going to try and relax over the weekend, mother's day sunday, and not read.

Hope you all are doing great!

Love to all

Mark

it still aint so bad????

things havent exactly been so great either,yesterday my 2yr old little boy,lot me up at 4.20am.icouldnt believe it i gave up trying to get him back to sleep around 5.20am and came downstairs before he woke up his dad and sister,he left his wanted breakfast and went straight to playing with his thomas tank engine track.i didnt wanna sit around being tired and nodding so i tackled my ironing.by 7.30 when i woke my daughter for school i'd made a massive train track to occupy my son and done all my ironing.afer i'd seen her off to school,the day dragged i was very tired i'd only  had about 4 hours sleep and i'm on seroquel and if i dont sleep them off i feel half dead,by 1pm we were both struggling to stay awake,so when my other half came home i handed all responsibility over to him and  went to bed.we slept til 4pm i got up apologised to my other half for being a cow cos i was tired and got on with things....ya see despite all this having all that thrown at me my head didnt go skipflap!!! then today.i got up and my fella was on a bad day he's battling with depression at min pretty bad but he wont go to dr's? so he's struggling on his own and today was a bad day so when my outreach worker came about 10 am he went back to bed.i was left to contend with things on my own?...but it was ok, i told my outreach worker i didnt wanna see her anymore.i dont feel like i need her now,she's been coming for over 2 years so it'll be abit odd i think?...we'll have to see?....anyway the rest of the day i've been building more tracks,tidying toys,cleaning the bathroom suite,tidying more toys,doing dishes,washing,tidying more toys then i got my daughter from school? did some shopping then came home my fella had got up? and it was his nephews 6 birthdayso he came over to sleep,so we all went to the park,us our 3 his nephew,and the kid from across road,we played football they were running round like maniacs,the plan worked? they did really tire themselves out! we came home ordered a whole load of takeaway rounded up all the kids they ate,1st time i'd heard silence all night?..lol..them they went out again to play hide and seek,run there dinner off when it started getting dark i took my son to bed while my oher half got the kids sorted and in bed.they all went immediately to sleep.it's been brill.kids had me in stitches! so ive encountered loads of stressful situations last couple of days,but it didnt send me skipflap it didnt do my head in.and i'm an outreach worker short.but i'm ok....bit wired and tired but normal i think after looking after kids all day.....so is this? these last 2 days on my way to recovry, i've been getting more good than bad i just need to remember that on a bad day?...i get tunnel vision on bad days its terrible! wish it was different,so any way these 2 days of being tested and not cracking! its brill.and definately a 1st! so everyone.....check me out.i'm doing so well,i'm coping with normal everyday mum stuff?.......heehee....and doing it happily............. 

I just got back from taking my parents out to lunch. I wasn't hungry. Still no calls for a job.  I checked the answering machine.  I guess i have to keep applying for more jobs.

I looked at my transcripts results from last term.  They just came in.  I am disappointed at myself for having dropped two courses but I did ok on the four i had left: A, A-, B+ and B despite suffering depression that semester.  Those are respectable but i don't like those B's.  I actually could have an A- instead of that B+ because they had a Grade Raising Assignment that Prof would raise the grade up one for doing it but I didn't sign up for it early in the term.  I don't know it was an easy assigment until i saw the groups post their assignment.  It was my loss for not doing it and their gain for doing it.  I am just kicking at myself for not signing up for it

I'm just not sure whether i should continue with University given that it was difficult struggle and i wasted lots of money and time and I am still a long way off graduating.

I am not sure about going to community college either because I don't think I did well on the admission test.  I would have really loved to be a Respiratory Therapist but there's no way I can learn French.  Since I am from Canada, hospitals want people to be bilingual.  I've struggled not be able to learn and not having the motivation to learn French.  I haven't sent a portfolio for the Graphics Design and I don't know how to make portfolio.  I don't know what to draw.

School is does not come without a price.  A job does sacrifice time but you at least get paid for it.  If I had a steady good income, I could be self-sufficient and possibly move out on my own and possibly afford a therapist.

However a secure job is not easy to get.

hi I am Brenda.. I am 48 .. I a mom of 5 grown kids and a grandmom of 4 soon to be 5.. I suffer from bipolar and depression, and gad.. I also suffer from medical stuff .. I have been out of a very abusive realationship for 6 years.. Finally starting to get my life back..

Ok, I'm going to try and be as verbal as I can with this given the ... boundaries with it all. My language might fail me as I try to describe what I'm thinking.

I've been thinking a lot about life and my spirituality. Not religion, which tends to be organized worship... but my core beliefs about life and its philosophical roots. Most people who know me will also know that my family was a fairly devoted Catholic one.

My parents sent me to a Catholic school, I did the altar server bit, volunteered at church, went to church every Sunday, read the Cathechism in both languages. Through it all I never felt a connection to God as the Bible depicted Him to be. An all-knowing being? Ha! He certainly never gave any indication that He knew how lonely or disconnected I felt from His presence.

The reason for that disconnected feeling is because I was looking in the wrong place. Nothing is meant to be worshipped. Very ancient man and cultures knew this before the foundation of religion. Respect is the key. Worship cannot be mutual.

I believe everything is energy. Matter, actions, thoughts - you get the idea. All this energy is connected because it flows between us and everything else in the universe.

Somewhere along the lines man developed enough knowledge and started to think critically. The concept of a "soul" sprouted and we began to assume the presence of one within our selves. Instead of celebrating our energies and respecting the balance of the universe, we were all now unique spirits, which is the term I will use from now on. The basis for deities, supremacy, good vs. evil, inferior and superiority, and disharmony was in the making.

What is the human spirit, exactly? Have you ever asked yourself this question? Most don't get past asking whether or not it's their consciousness. More questions are raised than answered, nothing can be tangibly proven. Generations of people are waiting for some kind of truth to reveal itself as guidance. Maybe, just maybe, the human spirit as we call it is the energy that sustains life within us to keep our consciousness running. We expend the energy and it goes somewhere else. The cycle of birth and rebirth. The Buddhist term for this is reincarnation.

As mentioned earlier, believing our spirit is unique or has a spefic value opens the door for potential problems. We may believe ourselves to be more special than our brethren, creating an unbalance in the environment. If a large enough group believes one person or one idea/image superior enough, worship can occur. Large amounts of energy are spent and not reciprocated. Balance is not respected and cannot maintain homeostasis.

Whenever something in the world goes awry, there was something in motion that had set the energy too low or too high to cause it to happen. Tension before a fight, Low pressure systems before a storm, depression before suicide, neglect before collapse. Somewhere along the line we allowed ourselves to become so mislead we fail to see just how out of wack things really are right now.

Mislead by what? Religion. Instead of encouraging respect for the natural state of things it teaches worship for a deity. The respect comes in second and even then it comes with some very biased and questionable conditions in some cases.

All my life I have never felt connected to anyone, anything, anyplace. Turns out I was just looking with the wrong eyes. If enough people pound the same concept into your head for long enough your mind gets tunnel vision. Call it brainwashing if you will, only it's considered socially acceptable and smiled upon. Allow yourself to soften your vision and let the other hues of light shine in. Keep your mind open to the posibilities. Eventually all those ideas that were pounded into your head will loosen and shake free. You'll see what is truly inside.

Psychosis. It's a curse, but also a gift. Some thoughts are not delusions. Hallucinations are real. Your mind is real. They're not just cutting me down lately. More like they're guiding me. I know that I'm sick, because I hear and see things others do not. But I've had a moment of clarity recently, for the 110th time in my life with this disease. They are all real...but only for me. There's much more to it than madness.

This place is like myspace for the mentally ill. No personal messages. Tell me, what's the point in having "friends?" We are all friends. Well, maybe not all. But you can see my point.

     I have a little story to tell that involves myself and my roommate and the events of the past two weeks.
     I must first explain that my roommate has recently (five months) recovered from a deep depression of eight years and since then has refused further medication and has limited his therapy.
     As my roommate became more and more aware of his emotions (anger, sorrow, joyfulness) he went through a period in which he was seemingly manic and his mania was extended due to his availability of funds, which he has an abundance of.
     Recently he purchased a couple of gross of T-Shirts with the symbol of his former country and filled half the living room with. In the mean time he became ill and soiled his bed, thus sleeping on the couch for the past six weeks.
     Besides the T-Shirts he bought volumes of books from his Scientology group and spent good money on art work for the walls which amounted to a thousand dollars or more. All this in a period of what I consider manic behavior.
     Within the last week of my complaining he came home with half a room of used junk furniture and caused a fire hazard which I reported to my case workers. The apartment supervisor came and instructed my roommate to clean up or be evicted and to my astonishment the next day the living room was straighten out.
     This is just what I am going through of late and have been told I may be able to move to my own quarters in another town. This would make me very happy.



ABILIFYGUY

Last night my sister drove OVER my one cat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He is still alive and the vet said he will be okay, but he had to get a metal plate in his jaw, as his bottom jaw split open. He is still in hospital and I feel like dying.

I am SO ANGRY with my sister, I cannot even explain it. I was in my room and my brother came to me and said: Corné, Misty is not right.

I went to him, and saw his nose and mouth was bleeding like crazy. Then my sister came in and told me she ran over him, and she is so sorry. If she did not drive like a maniac, maybe it wouldn't have happened.

And maybe I wouldn't be so angry, but at the vet, the receptionist asked what happened, and she said WITH A LAUGH IN HER VOICE that she drove over him. That just did it for me.

I just needed to tell you that as I don't want to even talk about it at work, I'll just flip anyway.

On to something else:

Today I read up on Borderline Personality disorder and I am pretty convinced that I show signs of it. Now, I know there is a resemblance between that and bipolar, but as I was reading, I could think of all these instances in my life that reflects on BPD. But I don't know if I should even take it up with my doctor. I am afraid she will think that I think she cannot do her job, or that I just want another diagnosis. But we have been struggling with my treatment, as nothing seems to work, so maybe I should speak to her. I just don't know.

I am actually confusing myself just thinking about it.

What do you guys think?

Corné

Feel frree to skip over this journal if you don't want to read anymore of my whining.  My problems are no bigger than anyone else's.  I can't help feeling as people here are angry at me for not sounding happier.  In the past, i have gotten so scared when i saw journals that are complaining about others.  I feel as if they are talking about me and so it would trigger me into an intense state of hopeless panic.  Unlike others, i dislike having to use that "button"...It makes me feel like a failure all over again every time i am forced to. 

What is it i need to do to get better if getting a dr is too hard?  I am not really suicidal because i have my parents.  However, i am terribly unhappy.  I have to take my parents out again as i do every day.  My father is so weak and frail and has to use a cane to walk.  My mother is constantly have nosebleeds and always having to go the washroom where ever we go out.  I am so sad for them and want them to be happy and taking them out always makes me feel miserable.  My father is often reflective about his life and his disappointments with us.  I don't blame him but it can be so miserable around both my parents.  I love them but it doesn't help my self-esteem and depression.

I want to get something for my Mom for mother's day but she's not like other mothers in this world.  She use to get so angry at us if we get her anything she considers useless.  I love my mother and i know she's done the best she could raising us but I  remember the painful Mother's day, Father's Day, Christmas and birthdays, etc.  The best I do for her is bring home chicken dinner. 

I can't tell whether posting here is good for me.  All i know is that research studies say that journalling does help people recover from depression.  I'm not sure whether it does in my case.

I know how pathetic that i am for even having a crush on my former dr.  I can't stop thinking about how it hurts to really like someone so deeply but know that he would never having the same feelings for me. He was such an extraordinary person whom I wish i never met.  The pain of unreciprocated feelings is just too much. 

I don't want to fantasize about men anymore.  It's just painful.  I don't think I will even watch Iron Man for that very reason because I know i am somewhat attracted to that actor.  I don't need to fantasize anybody.  It just hurts knowing it's all a fantasy.

I remember my former co-worker years ago. He wanted me to have some kind of pretend kind of relationship.  I was hurt and I refused to go along with it.   I am just not the kind who would even want to play with my emotions and have an affair with a married man even if nothing physically happened.  When I said no, he said goodbye.

I'm not like a lot of people.  I am just no fun.  People say i am way too serious.