I am getting married soon! I may be married in one and half weeks. I met my fiance in march 2009 and we kept in contact by phone. He is palistinean-canadian and also a muslim. He lives in montreal so I will be moving there soon when we marry.
"Acquire knowledge. It enables its possesser to distinguish right from wrong. It lights the way to heaven. It is our friend in the desert, our society in solitude, our compassion when friendless. It guides us to happiness. It sustains us in misery. It is an ornament among friends and an armor against enemies."
Yesterday was a really nice day. I took my son (with no kicking and screaming if you can believe it) to the local thrift shop to buy a toy or two (the bait). The place wasn't open yet so we even went to the park. What a fun time. I turned my mp3 player on speaker and plopped it in my purse so we had Christmas music for the walk to and from. He told me Jingle Bells is his favorite song. We went back to the thrift shop and he picked up a rolling pin, little jello pans and two wrenches (all kid size). We made more cookies and the hubster grabbed his camera to snap off a few shots of the action.
When my daughter came home from school she got right on her power point assignment and I helped some with that. Nice to get along.
The crappy part is my dread companion paranoia is trying to sneak in on me. Every time I make some connections my paranoia tells me I'm doing and saying the wrong things. It tries to convince me that I'm "the wrong kind of person," and I'm better off in the four walls of my house and even there I should ditch the e-mail, facebook and now this RMH site. If it had it's way, I'd be curled up in a fetal position in the powder room with the light off and stay there forever. Argh! I am NOT the wrong kind of person. I'm smart and still a little funny (even if it has been medicated out of me), I'm a fast learner and can do just about anything if I'm shown how. I can't possibly offend the entire world and every person I meet or have any kind of exchange with (okay maybe undiagnosed I offended a lot of people, but I don't think so now). Anyway, maybe calling the beast out will make it back off some. This a.m. I almost decided never to come back here again, then a little encouragement came my way and I told that paranoia to hit the road.
I feel pretty good aside from the rascal on my heels so I'm going to try to make this into another good day. We'll find out how it ends later.
Blessings and Peace
Anastasis
I am only 38 yrs old,but i have been through so much in life,as a child,as well as an adult.Well where do i start?.....I was 5 years old when i was first sexually abused by a babysitters husband,$& my babysitter(his wife).
I was so happy when i heard the knock at the door that i practically ran to her arms and could not get out of that apt quick enough,because i had to pee so badly,I had not moved from that end of the couch,nearest the door,since that traumatic event that morning.My mom and i left and i don't remember anything else until we got to my grandma's house.I remember sitting at her kitchen table and her and my mother were talking.No cops were ever called,the babysitter was not called or confronted, that i know of,So i didn't know what to think?Was what he did right?Was what he did ok?maybe it was my fault?All i know is that my mother never took me back there again.My grandmother started watching me from that night on.I can't even remember telling my mom what happened or what her and my grandma were talking about,i gues i just kinda assummed that i had told my mom,since she never took me back there again.
I still wet the bed though.Well my mom was still working her butt off and grandma is watching me.I was so happy.MY aunts and i were like sisters and best friends,since we were all about the same age cause my mom had me when she was 18.Well everything was going well,my mom and i had a little apt by ourselves.Then one day her friends introduce her to some man(who eventually became her husband).____ . I was so scared and didn't know what to think again.
Well,to make a long story short,He sexually abused me til i was almost 16years of age and in high school.I finally started seeing ABC after-school specials and then i realized the wrongs that had been done to me.I did not know what to do.My step father had threatened me and had me terrified.Finally i told my aunt(who is only 2 months and 3 days younger than me).She didn't know what to think or how to act(but i remember we were in woolworth's store when i told her(there are none now,it was in downtown ,ohio).She said i should tell my grandma,her mom.I was too scared,so my aunt told her.I remember my grandma coming to me and asking me about it.I told her and she did not believe me because,at this time my step-dad had been trying to keep me away from my boyfriend at the time.So she thought i was doing it so he would go away.It hurt me so bad that my grandma did not believe me at first.
Well when my mom got off work,we went home.I don't think my grandmother told her or if she did,my mom never said or did anything about it.
Will finish this later,i got alot to do.and felling better,a longtime friend i haven't talked to in forever just called me........will finish this in a minute.
HI... I'm trying to keep a constant journal here for a little while. Although I do admit it's much more interesting when you only journal every once and awhile. Hearing from me everyday becomes so boring & "hum-drum" but I want to write down my daily thoughts..I'm ok with it if you don't wish to continue reading this tonight. It's nothing really except my frustrations that I needed to get out. I will not be mad at all if nobody reads or comments.... .
Today was OK as well. I got upset this morning with my husband though. I had asked him to please go with me to get my tires put on the car- because he is alot more mechanically inclined & knows alot more about that kind of stuff than I do. Anyways... I told him we needed to leave around eightish because I had group at 11. I got up - got dreesed up real nice & even put on make-up... to make myself feel pretty for a change. It did kinda boost my esteem when I found an old sweater I could no longer wear last year- now I can fit back into it again. I fixed my clothes really nice, make-up, & did my hair. All but my nails... I'm out of inhalers & couldn't survive the fumes....
Well, he gets up too late & doesn't really seem to want to go. But he gets angry if I try to rush him. Finally at 10:30 I told him nevermind- I won't have time if you go... so just forget it- I'll go by myself. then he goes "no that's ok... I'll go cause I HAVE too !! " I said forget it !! By this time I was angry- but holding it in bigtime because I wanted so badly to look nice & be nice & try to have a really nice day. Well, since he didn't go- then he asked why I was so dressed up..... I didn't reply- just got in the car & left...
Go by & get my mom (again) Then go to group. I was all excited & had lots of news I wanted to share there. Well, the mom of my Tuesday child was there for group- so I was completly uncomfotable talking about my issues with her there. I have just began feeling accepted & welcome & like I could open up more with these ladies... now - i don't know if I'll even go back !! Also one of the ladies there has been really sick & hasn't been able to come in a few weeks. She was already struggling alot- now today I found out her house burned down... I wanted to cry- My therapist is suppose to be trying to find out something. Maybe we can help some... although I don't really know how- but I'm sure I could at least show her some love & maybe a hug & a shoulder to cry on. If I hear anything I think I will go to the thrift store & get her a few things... Right at Thanksgiving & to have that kind of thing happen. I guess some just can't seem to get good breaks in life. Yes I know mine could be tremedously worse... but in my eyes it already is sometimes !!
Then we go to get my tires... we sat in the car & waited two hours... good part was I knew the guy that owned the place & the workers too- by first name... so they were really friendly & talked to me and also helped me out by finding the best tires they could. And at a pretty good price too. I also got my meds... so at least I don't have to fear running out over the weekend or through thanksgiving.
Why is it exactly every time I try so hard to do good, be good, I get up & decide- you know what I'm gonna try extra hard to make this a wonderful day... THEN everything falls apart. Frustration, aggrovation, bad luck, you name it- it's as if the world & everyone in it knows you are wanting a good day.. so they MUSt destroy it !! ....
So why should I even try to do good & have nice days- if they will always be ruined ????Why even allow myself to have dreams & expectations ?????
Yeah it couldv'e been alot worse. But just the fact that after all my hard work to start today right - to be let down & disappointed first thing- then it just kinda snowballed from there.
Ok- change the subject before I find that "ol pitty pot again ! Good notes : I got two good "used" tires for my car put on today. I got my meds. I did get to see my friends at group. I am reminded by just how bad others might have it compared to me !! 2 different people called me a great mom today. And my kids said they like me- I'm a nice & good mama... That almost gives me back that little spark in my heart that I felt had been extinguished... I'm afraid to let it feel too nice though- another rejection or failure.... Just how many of those can one person take in a lifetime ?? I think I've way past my quota !! Also both of the girls are doing good. I'm thinking of going out either this weekend or next week- getting them dressed up nicely & taking pics at the park & around town of the girls then getting them printed to give as Christmas gifts... it's fairly cheap & easy- but still a nice gesture I think. IDK- we will see... Again- kinda afraid to get my hopes up or think to happily about anything.
Ok- well, it's still kinda long- so maybe nobody will fool with reading my jibberish tonight. I may just be talking nonsense IDK...
Well, I'm really tired & COLD so I think I'm going to bed !! Much Love, And if anyone did manage to read it all- Bless you my wonderful friend, ~ RMH fellow peer.... a special hug for you. Hope all is going OK for you......
I often close my eyes
And I can see you smile
You reach out for my hand
And I'm awoken from my dream
This heart of mine feeling hollow
Feeling this way, so in love
Yet so alone
You were supposed to be
The one to wipe away my tears
The one to say that you would never leave
The waters calm and still
My reflection is there
I see you holding me like before
But then you disappear
All that is left of you
Is a memory
One that only, exists in my dreams
I didn't know then what hurt you
But now I can feel it too
It hurts so much
And I know I can't do a thing
Deep down in my heart
I do know that no matter what
I'll always love you
while standing here in a constant rain.
This is dedicated to my love * who took his own life when we were forcefully seperated when I was younger but my love still endures. I love you babe and will see you as soon as I can.
I didn't sleep very well, it was gone 3AM so when I did manage to get some sleep it was limited and I have been tired and irritable (when am I not irritable).
I wonder if my problem is negative thinking or I have hit the "miserable old git" stage of my life. I think it started around 23.
Seriously, who decides what is positive and negative. What causes one person to think negatively might cause another to feel positive and thus influence positive thinking.
I have always been a negative person from as far back as I can remember.
I am listening to a group called Disturbed and it got me thinking. It is loud, angry thrash metal which most people would say causes negativity but it actually gives me a buzz and I feel a little better.
The point I am trying to make (and yes there is one) is do what makes you feel good because what makes one person happy might make another sad. Only you know what makes you feel alive.
Listen to yourself, because only you can truly know you! Listening to others, and what works for them will not work for you.
There is a motto I am quite fond of:
"Opinions are like arseholes. Everyone has got one".
Well, I think that is enough nonsense from my head today.
Peace and Love to all.
The wind was howling most of the night, The sky is covered in light gray clouds which radiate the suns light behind them. Rainfall is not far off now. There is the alerting sound of damped noise, its almost as if mother nature is saying "Shh" to the day to day human sounds. In its own way, late fall is as beautiful and moving as early spring. If you are not alert to the signs you will miss the announcement of Fall’s slow surrendering to Winter.
My current favorite song is playing now, City On Our Knees by TobyMac. The song is about the return of the Lord and I find its message to be one of peace, fellowship and hope. It is inspiring to me. I tend to listen to K-Love in the mornings when I wake. I find that the positive, hope-filled, tender music sets a tone which stays in my heart through out the day. It is the little things such encouraging music, scripture verses, daily prayer, fellowship with like-minded believers which have helped me in countless ways.
My sleep pattern has been off this past week. I had some luck earlier this with listening to a sleep CD which has beta wave sounds under the music. This is supposed to help you stay asleep when you get there. Unfortunately it has not worked the last two nights. Lack of sleep tends to push me into mixed state or mild mania. Which doesn’t seem bad but we all know what goes up, must come down. I have chosen to keep Mania out of my life (in as much as I can prevent or reduce it) because its evil twin Depression is never far behind.
We finished up boxing the items to be handed out in ‘Project Warm Up’ yesterday. I am done with that commitment unless I wish to make more mittens, scarves or hat. I have made enough mittens for now so I think I will wait a month or so before I start up again.
I have been volunteering at the hospital for a year plus one month now. I feel that the volunteering has helped me grow beyond my view of myself. When I put my time and energy into helping others, my problems seem to fall into place. I have become aware of my abilities and have made an effort to focus on the things I can still do, rather then the things that I can no longer do.
There is fellowship in volunteering, others who volunteer have been supportive and positive. Who better to spend your time with then individuals who freely give of themselves? Many of the ladies have become role models for me. I am 42 and often feel that my life is in a set pattern, being around the auxiliary ladies has shown me that life is as good or as bad as you make it. We have 98 year olds who show up once a week to visit with the ill patients. We have mentally challenged members who show up weekly with a smile and willingness to do any task. I have been blessed in volunteering it has helped me grow as a person.
Today is the one month anniversary of M and I. I am not normally a person who tracks things like that, but he has made so much of an improvement in my life that I must acknowledge that I have changed this last month. I feel much more confident in my day to day activity. When we are together I am able to relax, and drop my guard. I have had to be independent for so long that I have almost forgotten how nice it is to be interdependent.
I spoke to him about RMH showing him the things said here. He suggested I drop the site saying he saw no benefit in the writing journals here. I thought about his comments seriously and for now I am taking his advice. I will stop coming here to reading/writing journals on weekly (well mostly weekend) basis.
I started thinking about why I had joined and what has been the results of joining. I was looking for friends that are like-minded, but sadly most all the serious Christians here are driven off, so few are seriously talking about or taking actions to improve their mental health. The ‘venting’ type journals seem to swallow up all positive, supportive ones. Eh ..So I will take sometime off from the site. I will check back sometime after the holidays.
Having someone in my life who cares about me, is good to me, and gives me someone to be good to and care about has taken away from my desire to reach out to try to connect to strangers.
Although some of you are more then just strangers. It does seems odd to me, how I feel a need to alert others that I will not be logging in. I wonder why I feel any desire to say anything. Maybe its because I have belonged to RMH since a month after it opened? The site has become a habit for me, not saying it’s a healthy one.
I think M is right, it is time to move away from hiding behind a computer all together. Life is so much more then online activity. Especially if we are talking about a mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically healthy life.
Be true to your health and your recovery efforts. Remember that there is only one person who can keep you on your recovery path and that is you. Regardless of what others may say or do, how their actions help or hinder your path, it is you alone who can and must take the necessary steps to improve your mental health.
What a difference today. Peace and harmony at home. Ahhh... I'd have a cup of cocoa to celebrate, but I guess I have to stay away from even chocolate on this lithium. Can anyone REALLY do that? Okay, I know I'm gonna cheat.
I hope to get outside to walk again today. Even if my son goes kicking and screaming again he'll have to get over it. I'm getting in gear for the baking deal and I'm going to bake 'til I drop--okay 'til I drop off the edge again or the cookie walk date, whichever comes first. I hope I can make it beyond Christmas and even January without the black. I teach a class on the book of Joshua for 6 weeks starting in January. We'll see.
Oh did I mention that I downloaded 102 Christmas Songs with those books last nignt! I can't wait to fire up the mp3 player!
Blessings
I've been keeping busy alot with the trip and my friends book. I haven't been overdoing it, but I have been doing alot. I have been so busy that I can't remember if I heard any voices. Anytime I go without voices the more I become inspired that they will one day disappear. One can hope. Its more than hope. For years I heard voices everyday, all day now its only a few hours and then some days where there isn't any. I thought that I would hear voices for the rest of my life. I now think I can defeat them.
We leave for Oklahoma on Friday. We will pack the car tonight and when I wake up on Friday we'll get dressed and go.
I made some sugar cookies. OMG! They are good. My coconut macaroons turned out nice too.
I hope you all have a nice day!Keep your feet on the ground, the sun on your face and the wind at your back. Live, love, laugh, learn, listen, David
Hi , So my life is doing ok right now. I am no longer going to the church. I just stopped going. They keep sending me e mail. I am praying for a new path for my spiritual beliefs. I keep hearing that I need to use my home again to start groups. To have classes and connect with Folks who also have similar beliefs.
Matt should be moving out in a couple of months. He seems to accept it now. He wants his own place. I do not believe he is ready for that. But I don't have much control. So one day at a time. I let God show us the way. I have faith it will all work out as it should.
Tony is still here. We are living like roomates. He is a good one! He cleans and cooks. Matt Respects him. I wish he could give me more money though. But I am not going to complain. Unless we run out of food or something. He eats alot. lol.
I have been home alot more. Doing a couple of readings a week. So that sure helps. I prayed a while back for someone to come into my life to help me. I was so stressed out. Tony really does help in so many ways. We have great talks and we are learning from each other. I believe he would like to be ((Closer)). I am just not ready for that. Don't know when or If I will be. Again ,living day to day going with the ebb and flow of life.
I would love to hear from some of you new folks. How do you Like RMH? .....I miss getting comments. Love Moon
Today has been very ok. I've been up since 6am but still not sleepy. I know I should sleep as I have a busy day ahead tomorrow. I will finally be getting two tires for my car. I visited with my grandmother today & she loaned me the money for my meds & the tires. I didn't ask for the tire money only for my meds... But I am glad. A little less worry for me. I am very excited to get to go to group again tomorrow. I actually enjoy it there. It's only myself & usually only 2 other ladies & the therapist... but it's open conversation & we get to talk about some things on our minds... other times we might get information & little packets on how to work with our illness to get better. It is rather nice & i have grown to look forward to my little hour a week with people similar to me- who do not judge me & whom I can see face to face. Even though when we leave there we act as if we've never even met before.. that's kinda weird- like we won't say hello in public I guess for fear of embarassment or maybe fear that we would say too much & break the confidentality rules. It really has been an ok day.. not too happy & not too sad... I suppose this is my true in between.. I never have these days... when I'm calm enough to not freak out & get too upset or too bouncy... However my memory is really off. I made calls about the tires to compare prices... with pen & paper right there I forget what they said almost instantly & had to get them to repeat it... and what they didn't repeat- i just didn't get..... I feel like a complete ditzy person. I'd like to call it the old blonde moment.. but unfortunetly I'm brunette... LOL.
I've read a few journals & commented on a few... Some of you I might have missed commenting on I will get back to when I can think of the right words to say (unless I forget of course)...
I am very happy to see my friends here that are doing well & had a good day. And those of my friends here who might not be having a very good time right now.. my heart is sad for you & with you.... I am here if you ever want to talk to me- I tyhink I can be a good listner - if not I can be corrected & taught the proper techniques..I really really want to be a good friend. .. I love all of you & hope everyone has a wonderful night.. I'm off to bed...it's too cold to sit up any longer !!
