Well I guess I have a real thrist for purging lately, Thank you to all who have commented on the two most recent entries I have submitted. I really needed to get some of that crap off my chest, and I guess the last post was the truth that lead me to the immurging feelings of rage from the first post.

I am missing a few of my friends on here though, there are many of my friends that have not been on in a while. Given the nature of the people I comment on or those who comment on my journals, these friends that I am missing are most likely on your friend's lists, well a large handful of you folks anyway.

I want to thank al of those who wrote a response to my journals. It's nice to feel not so alone in the great vast universe of life.

I hope all of you are well, safe and happy, Lots of love and hugs, Tealie...

"Or, if your wish be to close me. I, my life, will shut, very beautifully. As when the heart of this flower remembers the snow, carefully, everywhere decending."

I am so tired of this crap, ok so the Zoloft and Klonapin are not enough and I am still in a deep state of depression even though I have so much going for me right now. Or going away from me, depending on how one in my situatation is capable of describing it. So for the last 2 weeks I have done nothing but sleep because my Dr finally listened to me and started me on a mood stabilizer, Tegratol. Well I have gotten nothing from it but a king size dose of incoherent sleepiness, and an unquenchable thirst for sleep.

Well today the Dr told me to stop the Tegratol and I am going to start something new that I have never even heard of. All this expirementing with my psyche is making me crazy, it is pi**ing me off and I have become extremely irritable. I have a life to find and feel as though it has to be put on hold until I find the right med for me and figure out how I will react with the new med I will start tomorrow.

I am supposed to be studying for the state exam and I can't even keep my head off the pillow. I am getting pressures from all different directions, I have to deal with my son's school next week, I have a dissabled friend who is haveing a gathering of women known as Crones, and I have already been spending every weekend at her house cleaning and organizing. Away from my son who needs me, and working my butt off among filthy moldy tea cups and other dishes full of moldy food that has not been touched since that last time I was there.

And now it has become a pain in the butt for her to come 20 minutes to get me and bring me to her house to clean this crap for $8.00 an hour under the table. It is rediculous but I keep doing it because I need the money and I end up sick when I come home every time. I also end up cleaning from the previous week and she is wondering why the organizing is taking so damn long.

Well she and her little roommate need to pick up and clean up after themselves during the week so I can work on the reason I am actually there, Organizing!!!

Ok so I care for her and she is a friend but enough is enough if she gives me a hard time because I don't want to spend thenight tonight and tomorrow night because she will already be in town tonight I am going to have to tell her to figure out how to get it cleaned up without me because she can't pay me enough to clean up a weekly mess and do the deep down organizing that needs to be done.

She is a woman who has money she can just spend and also has the Hording dissorder. She has a full size basement that is stocked full floor to ceiling in most of it. All kinds of just STUFF,,,,,,,,,,Grrrrrr....STUFF!!!!!!

If thats not enough I have been talking with this friend about my mother and my relationship with her or lack there of and menntioned that I needed my mother to know that I really do love her. So this friend says lets find a blank card (in her mass of stuff) and just write in it, simply, I love you. So I did it, I wrote I love you Mama, and sent it out thursday afternoon so she recieved the day before mother's day.

Well, this woman that gave birth to me sends me an ungratefull thank you note that reads "Dear Toni, Happy Belated Mother's day. I hope it was a nice day. Mine Was. Thank you for your card, but I know you truly hate me. You try so very hard to hide it but I've always known you harbor very ill-feelings towards me. Your Dec. phone call proved that. I can't work this answering machine very well, so I only heard a portion of it. (Bull! she was sitting right there listening and even played the message for my brother.) And, I don't know what was said to you on that fateful night, but I have nothing to appologize for. I wish you no harm. Mama"

The jist of it is, ( am still in need of purging this crap from my system) that, When I was in need and I needed a place for my then fiance to go because he could not stay at my apartment alone with my son.(project based apartment just for women and their children)

I was at work and we were in the middle of a nor-easter here in Maine. So I sent my fiance to my mother's house, (at the time we were actually getting along, she seemed to be trying so hard) Well all hell broke loose she showed her true colors, not only did she blow me in because I had a $50 crack slip last summer she also tried to get in my fiance's pants, right in front of my 15 year old son, then when that didn't work she began telling the two of them that she had no idea whay I came back to Maine, that there was nothing here for me, All of which is none of her business and I think in her sick and twisted, self-centered mind she thinks I came home because of her. 

If nothing else at least I learned from her how to take a punch and get back up. Seeing as how I was raised as her physical and emotional punching bag. So she can really burn in hell for all I care.

Yeh I am still angry with her and I do really pray that she will be forgiven. I really don't want her to go to hell, I am just really fighting mad still.

Ok well, there you have it I have let most of it out and I no longer feel so much like a walking open wound. I hope that none of this triggered anyone. I know that some of this rant can be disturbing to here. Thank you for listening, Lots of love and Hugs, Me...

"Or, if your wish be to close me. I, my life, will shut, very beautifully. As when the heart of this flower remembers the snow, carefully, everywhere decending."

A dichotomy of spirits, each one fighting for there day in the sun. With each battle comes more conflict and more destruction of the true spirit. The true spirit is one within me, one spirit with two sides, light and darkness. Like two dogs fighting, a mean dog and a nice dog, and which of the two dogs will win? Well the answer is, the dog that I feed the most. 

But the dogs get fed from the unconcious mind, the part of me that rules all. The part of me that changes my moods, the part that feeds the beast of rage, the part of me that is so angry that everything around me is tainted with siething, retched, weekness.

As I walk this road of life I am ambushed by the unknown and unworthyness that is my past self, over and over she resurfaces. I turn and walk toward the wonderous sycamore and there perched on the branch is the face of laughter, it catches my attention while, the root comes up and tangles my legs in distrust and uncommon blaitentcy.

As I am again thrown from the path I want to choose, my heart, made of glass, cracks a bit more. I struggle to my feet and brush myself off, only to begin again, down the path, passing the sycamore without glancing at its beauty this time, for the memory of the fall is stronger than the memory of it's true great presence in the forest of life.

The light of the sun shines through the trees, but the light has become dim and snarling beasts follow me from the shadows. A rustle in the bushes and the crackling sound of twigs under the steps of something huge. An unforseen change is amoung the darkness, filled with anxious denial, the sound of footsteps become closer behind me.

The sun has nearly set and the forest is almost black, I can no longer see the path. Dissoriented, frightened, and tearful I drop to my kness crawling along the path in the darkness. I hear the breathing, it gets closer and closer along with footsteps that move the ground with each movememnt. Tree limbs fall and break to the ground, then the sound in my ear and the icey breath on my neck, it is RAGE, my long lost friend.

I stand and allow my old friend to guide me in the darkness. A road appears, lanterns light the way, I turn to see the form that my friend rage has taken in my now latter years. But Rage stays in the shadows, all I can see are the beautiful green eyes that have been taken for granted through the years. With a sudden rush of clarity, I realize the the eyes are my own, and the rage hase evolved into the guardian I have always asked for but never recieved. My Inner Goddess, and my Guardian Angel, Rage now has a new name, Peace.

"Or, if your wish be to close me. I, my life, will shut, very beautifully. As when the heart of this flower remembers the snow, carefully, everywhere decending."

 

I just Wanted to wish all you fellow mothers out there a very Happy Mother's Day

Lots of Love & Enjoy the Day

Tealie....

When I fall, I fall hard. I came home because of my long lost Ocean, the sounds of the fog horns, and the horns of the Giant Cruise ships in the harbor. I came home because of the smell of the Ocean breeze in the hot summer sun, and the sounds of the waves breaking on the rocks and sand.

Still, I have been here 3 years now, and I can count the times I have visited my long lost ocean on one hand. I have grown and changed, but at the same time become comfortable in this lower than most financial situation. Yeh right now I'm on welfare.

The time emurges for a bigger change and the reality of getting a job and supporting myself and my son, alone, buy myself, for the first time in my life.

I am about to leave the cradle of securety, garuanteed gov. money every month and food stamps every month. I will be moving from this project based living environment, (another security blanket), and all these changes are coming at once. No more baby steps, I won't be allowed to ease into any of this.

I'm terrified that I will fail, and yet I know that I cannot fail, not this time and not ever again. I won't except defeat in my life, I can't, I won't survive it. Someway, somehow I will find the strngth to move through this, but this knowledge does not take away the fear of it all.

I am in a different world than I am used to, a sober and awake world, this world is so foriegn to me. Calling upon my inner strength didn't work, I am still hiding inside myself, shivering, shaking, cold and alone in this.

I cannot fail my son, his father is completely useless and he needs me so much right now. "Oh God, give me a little strength, courage and guidence. I am getting lost again. Please show me the way, shine your brilliant light on my path so that I might see the footholes ahead. Help me to think of solutions instead of possible problems, help me, help me, help me." Amen...

Not sur what else to say, Forever, Tealie...

Not sure  what I want to write, it seems that I only write a journal entry when I am extremely up or down. Well I am kind of in the middle today. I have alot going on. Been working for one of my best friends, she is dissabled and has the Hording dissorder, so her house is a masive mess of just stuff. I get pain under the table, so we are fulfilling needs on both sides. I need the extra doe and she needs help with the cleaning and organizing.

I am a bit concerned for my 15 yr old son, I know that I have passed on this curse of bi-polar to him, but as most of you know he is too young to be diagnosed. His father lives in Centeral NY and we live in Maine. He is constantly being let down by his dad time after time and it is bearing down hard on my teenage boy, as if it isn't already hard enough just beeing a good kid now a days. But my son has the added pressure of the knwledge that he has surpassed his own father in maturity, and he will never be the father that our son needs.

I have been having dreams over the last month or so, always in my dreams someone is trying to protect me from something. Yesterday MY son and I both took a long hard afternoon nap. Later after dinner we shared the dreams we had while we were napping. He suddenly said with great concern; "Mom, you better figure out what your dreams are trying to tell you. Do you realise that this is the third dream in a row that someone was trying to protect you?" I said no I didn't realise. So then he told me that he was concerned and that I need to figure out what these dreams are trying to tell me.

My son is such a good young man, he is kind and caring and even smarter than me sometimes in the knowlege of life matters and so very insightful.

He also knows that when I dream of things such as this so strongly that they always come true in some form or another. I guess it's a gift but I hate it, though most of you may not believe in this sort of thing, I just wish I knew why God gave me this gift of prophetic dreams when my MI gets in the way of cultivating the gift.

Truly, I wont know what I need protection from until whatever is going to happen actually happens.

On the up side I have been slowly catching up on my own house-work, which is a comfort for me to be in a clean house. Soon I will be looking for a new apartment, this one is just too small and it is a rehabilitative program for mothers and children who have been deemed homeless. It's a 2 year program and we will have lived hear 2 years in August.

So it is coming time for me to really stand on my own two feet for the very first time in my adult life I will be on my own hopefully with the Section 8 I have now, and a job in the field of helping others with alcohol and drug addiction.

Well, we shall see what the near future brings, I hope everyone is well, Hugs and tc,,,, Always,,,,Tealie.....

Tealie Ventrue A.K.A ,Tempis Ancient,  Augusta Ventrue, Tempis Reigns, Titahnia (Queen of Avalon), Isis (Goddess of Magic, Earth, and Healing), Tealie the Vampire, T.L. Darling...

I am feeling a little bit of the blues this morning. No particular reason that I can think of. I have alot going for me and have no real reason to be blue, but like the tide my moodswings, come in and roll out with a raging pressure that I do not understand quite yet, but I'm learning.

I have gone back to my blonde hair, (I had died it back to my natural color after 20 years of being blonde for the ex fiance, oh the things women do to please there men). Anyway, I feel much more like the me I want to be the me that I want the world to know, the real me.

Tealie is helping quite a bit, along with some real life friends who won't let me down myself no matter how hard I try. It's become like a comedy now, when I say something bad about myself, I give a smirk waiting to get yelled at.

The aloneness is the thing keeping me down right now. I find that if a man that I like gives me the tinyest bit of rope, with even the smallest flirt, that I easily become infatuated with thoughts of being with him.

Even though I know for a fact that he is a much better friend than a boyfriend. I would like to just be friends with him, but something inside me emmerges uncontrolable, with a flitacious flare and the old me wanting to devour his essence just once. Yes, there is a real man friend behind these mixed feelings of love of a friend, confused with lust for one intimate moment. Just one moment so that I can feel again. No I am smarter than that, but I need to feel close to someone so badly. I don't think I can do this alone anymore. I don't want to. I'm slipping, down that slippery slope of confusing one intimate moment with what real love is all about, doubting that I will ever find it.

To hold another, and to be held, to seek comfort in the arms of a large strong man, knowing that this is the one.

These are the wishes of any woman who is alone I think. I hope, anyway.

The sun is begining to set on my beautiful spring, and underneath the accomplishments and the hope of a better future, lies the darkness of a broken heart and constantly crying in the night. Confession for the last week I have sobbed every night, over the slightest gesture, or the memory of love, even the long lost song that once touched my heart.

I am writing this entry with tears in my eyes, I guess I was hoping for some miricle of strength by calling out Tealie to help me stay strong, then I forgot that Tealie is also very much alone.

My name is ToniLyn and I am falling again, please God send me an Angel.

Before I get too far down I want to say thank you to all of my friends here. I have really connected with some of you and I am very greatful for that.

Kind of ironic I know, I am usually the one giving all the words of encouragement and hope, only if I could take my own advice sometimes. Well I'll say it again, this moment is most likely fleeting, but it's never really gone, it is always there just under the surface. The cold dark road of loneliness is always in my thoughts weather subcincious or at the ready to pull the rug out from under me, it's always there. Bet you all thought I had it all under control hah, well sorry if I dis-illusioned anyone. I'm no hero of words, I am a struggling flegling just like everone else. Nothing special here, just me, alone in a world of 7 Billion people, alone. Don't let me fall.

Tealie Ventrue A.K.A ,Tempis Ancient,  Augusta Ventrue, Tempis Reigns, Titahnia (Queen of Avalon), Isis (Goddess of Magic, Earth, and Healing), Tealie the Vampire, T.L. Darling...