Well, me feeling so good was the calm before the storm. I have all of these aspirations but my follow through has been terrible lately. My motivation is at a zero and has been since i started taking cymbalta 9 months ago. Since i started this medication i have gained 60 pounds and have been nauseous and experiancing a few other side-effects.
I went on a week and 1/2 drinking bender and on the last day I drank from 9pm-7am and then tried to get up for work. I was supposed to be at work by 11am but work up around 12:30. I got there and completly melted down. I just started to cry because i knew how unhealthy i felt. I smelled like cigarettes and beer and knew i was killing myself. Mentally i just felt terrible. I was able to leave work and have someone cover for me and made an emergency appointment with my therapist. I managed to get an appointment around 5pm. I went to my friends house and watched tv because i just didnt want to go home. I didnt want my family to see how bad i was again. While i was there I couldnt stop crying, i was shaking and having severe anxiety attacks. I took a shower and continued to watch tv. The news about NIU came on about three. I was already crying so that didnt help. I attended NIU for 2 years before i had to leave because of my anxiety. I texted friends to make sure they were alright.
In the process I managed to take several xanax. 4x my allowed dosage. I have never taken that much before but i just couldnt stop crying and was so irrational. I had my friend drive me to my doctors appointment. There was no way i could drive. I talked with my therapist and was extremly hungover during the entire visit. I told her about the xanax and focused on what lead me up to the drinking bender. We realized that this has been coming on since december. I left the appointment to get a call from my mother telling me that my Grandmother had a seizure and was in the hospital.
WORST VALENTINES DAY I HAVE EVER HAD!
Currently, I have no drank since Valentines day. I am having 3-4 panic attacks a day. I refuse to take xanax because i want to be diagnoised and treated for my symptoms. I can't cover them up with a quick fix like xanax. My therapist feels that i have a problem repressing and avoiding issues. This ultimatly leads to these mental breakdowns.
I am seeing my therapist twice a week and my psychiatrist once a week. EXPENSIVE. but worth it. I am switching form Cymbalta to Lamictal. I would appreciate feedback from anyone who has been on this medication. I took my first dose tonight and i hope it works. I don't thing the cymbalta was good for me.
Sorry for the long entry... i have gotten behind because things got hectic...would appreciate feedback. Feel very alone and nervous about these changes...
Overall I am feeling very good again. I have done a lot of work on myself the past year and a half. I decided to take a semester off from school and dropped all my classes except my independent study class. I just need a little time to myself. My focuses right now are getting back into shape and saving money.
I need to put together a workout routine. I want to lose atleast 30lbs by my birthday and I know it would be a huge disappointment if I didn't hit that goal. I know a lot about working out. I was an athelete all through high school. I sold memberships, suppliments and personal training at a health club. So, now it's just a matter of taking my own advice and getting motivated. I can't wait to weigh 120lbs again haha. I have never been overweight and i feel it is starting to effect my everday life. With my multiple knee problems it probably isnt helping either. I have a gym membership at the gym i used to work out so i atleast have a place to start going. If you have any tips of how to get motivated that would be wonderful.
So, now that i have had time to think about my financial situation i am a lot calmer. I definatly want to move out beggining of May and start my Adult life. My therapist feels I will be more productive and have a better relationship with my parents once i make the move. I spent a lot of time figuring out what all i need to buy, rent and my roommmate situation. I will be living with one of my good friends but being friends and living together are definatly two different things.
One of my friends really made me upset the other day. He was drunk and commented about how he doesn't understand why people with depression can't just get over it. He said it is an emotion and you should simply just move on. I just kinda laughed because he clearly has no idea what it's like to be depressed. It's like asking someone with parkinson's to get healthy or a person without an arm to just grow a new one. Depression is such a deep feeling of lonelyness and hoplessness that a lot of times it's out of a person's hands. I tried explaining to him it wasn't that simple but "he knows it all". So, i decided it wasn't worth the battle. I had no idea what depression was like until i experianced it myself. Hopefully he will never have to learn how the desiese works the way i did. So, for now i will just let him go on thinking the way he does.
Well, that's about it for now. It's time to focus in on me again. My meds are wonderful and i'm off of n e thing that's highly addictive. I'm just going to focus getting me back to the way i want to be.
Thanks for listening
So, the hardest part of me moving out is going to be getting my finances together. I am a complusive spender and it's been difficult getting that aspect of my life undercontrol. The majority of my money has been going to eating out. Right now i have about 1600 in bills that need to be taken care of ranging from credit cards, car insurance and school. I have to pay all of this off before i can even start saving for my apartment. My move in date is in May? I just dont know if it's going to be able to happen..... Leave ur thoughts.. I'm Stressed
I havn't made it to class all week. I just feel sick and achey. I just feel like one more day of sleep will make me feel better. I have had fevers all day and have been drifting in and out of some unusual dreams. I'm dissapointed because for the start of the semester i have already missed a lot of classes. I need to start getting it back together next week.
I decided it was best to stay home today. Maybe get some things done around the house. Like laundry. I'm hoping i snap out of this feeling soon... i will keep you updated
The feedback i recieved from my first journal entry was unbelievable. That's probably the biggest thing i miss from being in treatment. When u get back to living your life again you get mixed in withe people tha don't understand what it's like to suffer from high anxiety and other issues. It feels great to be able to talk with people who understand and simply wish the best for other people.
well, my last journal entry covered a lot of my past experiances. Currently I am attending a community college and getting my Marketing Degree with a minor in Travel & Tourism. I figure getting to travel the world the rest of my life would be a pretty amazing lifestyle...
The most stressful thing in my life is that i am about to move into my first apartment. I have decided i do not go back off to school but finish my degree at the community college and then a local 4 year. I am very happy here... all of my doctors are close, my family and friends. I am definatly ready to get back out on my own again. It was a huge decision to come home from college and leave the many freedoms living alone has to offer. I have spent a little over a year back at home and am looking forward to this apartment. What is stressing me out about it is the financial aspect. It's hard to tell how much is normal and how much is my anxiety running away with me. I had a therapist appointment yesterday which helped a lot. I talked about all of my concerns and felt a lot better after the session. I will be moving in with a roommate because i don't feel living alone is a safe option for me. I am not currently depressed but i could see myself becoming very lonely.
The girl i am moving in with is very sweet. She is a few years older than i am and has just began her career as a High School teacher. I like that i'm moving in with someone that has already began their life. I am trying not to surround myself with people who are still lost in the partying and not making any progress. So, 3 months and i should be looking into moving into my first place!!!
it's a very exciting time in my life but definatly a HUGE step!!! I am going to see Juno tonight because the weather is terrible and it will get my mind of things!
Thanks for listening,
&nbs p; Jackie
My First Entry....
This will probably be one of my longest journal entries but i feel it's important to bring everyone up to date to this moment. That picture of me was taken almost two years ago and I definatly don't look like that any more. I have had an interesting life since that moment.
I ended up needing to leave the college I was attending my Sophomore year because my Anxiety had become unmanagable. I would panic about classes and social issues and then go out to drink to calm myself down. It became a dangerous cycle and with my multiple sleeping disorders i started becoming very sick. The best decision i made was coming home to collect myself.
I decided to take a semester off of school even though i had somehow managed to maintain a 3.8. I took a sales position at my neighborhood fitness center and after 4 months of working 65hr weeks in a high pressure sales situation i finally broke down. I had already been place on Anxiety medication by my family doctor to help get me to calm down. i started to find i not only was taking my daily medication but the maximum dose of xanax i was prescribed just to make it through the stress of work. And also still trying to go out and party when the stress was way to much.
I had developed another dangerous habit of sleeping whenever i wasnt at work or drinking. I was groggy, unhappy and began to have memory problems. I spoke with my parents about possibly having an alcohol problem and researched going into treatment. Finally, one night after a very hard day of work I went out to party and within two hours went to the hospital for alcohol poisioning.
This settled me down for a while but the reasons for me drinking were too deep seeded. I was self medicating and supplimenting what the medication wasn't doing for me. Finally, on July 4th, I was sitting in a room at a party and realized that if time were to stop and i fast forwarded 5 years... i would be at that exact same moment with the exact same people. I wasn't happy about where i was, how i was feeling or what i was doing. The following day i checked myself into treatment a second time. This time i did i dual diagnosis program to tackle my Anxiety and Drinking abuse.
I found out that medication i had been put on by my doctor wasn't helping with my Anxiety but instead causing severe depression. Partnering this with drinking had become a dangerous combination.
It was time to withdraw...
I was taken off both Xanax, Zoluft and alcohol at once and began easing my way onto cymbalta. I went through the shakes, head aches, stomache aches and felt groggy and achy. Switching medication was very painful. As i progressed through treatment i learned so much about my mental illnesses. Anxiety, Depression and also multiple sleeping disorders. I had to try 5 different sleeping pills before i finally found some that worked. The only problem with my current sleeping pill is that it has caused me to gain large amounts of weight. I am probably 50lbs heavier than my profile picture.
THe progress i made in therapy will stay with me forever. It has been 7 months since i left treatment. I am with a psychiatrist and a psychologist to help monitor my progress. I am finally becoming the person i have always wanted to be but was being hindered by my Anxiety disorder.
I know that was a brief discription of what i went through but i figured that would be enough to get everyone up to date. My goal right now is to stay in contact with people who understand and have been through similar things. I also need the added support so i can begin to start losing weight. I have NEVER been over weight and it's been difficult. I have to put my foot down and stop letting the scale get any higher. It would be nice if by my next birthday i could be back down to a comfortable weight.
