Hi Everyone,
I haven't written in my journal lately because I have been busy dealing with my new diagnosis with Fibromyalgia ( nerve disorder - widespread pain). Like I don't have enough problems trying to live with Bipolar. I had a car accident April 20. 2006 - injuries: lt shoulder muscle damage, fractured sternum and injury to a very important cartilage in my left knee. I had alot of physical therapy and arthroscopic surgery on my knee. The knee surgery did not work so I have to have a knee replacement done sometime in my future. The doctor says we need to put it off as long as possible (until I can no longer walk - I guess) because I am too young yet to have a knee replacement - they only last 7 -10 yrs and I work in a very physical job (x-ray tech in a hospital) so the replacement would not last even 7 yrs. I did have a bulging disc in my lower back before the car accident from lifting patients and heavy equipment at my job but since my car accident I have had more pain in my back and more widespread pain throughout my body. I have been on pain meds and arthritis meds since the car accident. I have tried to tell all my doctors that something is very wrong that I can barely make it through the day. I used to go to work all day and come straight home and clean till everything was perfect and then cook dinner and clean up the kitchen, take a shower and then go to bed - albeit I was tired but I did it. Since my car accident some days I can't even get out of bed to go to take a shower much less get to work. I go to work come straight home and go to bed and I feel so exhausted that I feel like I am going to just die. Sometimes I can't even get to sleep because I am in so much pain that I can't get comfortable. I have to take a muscle relaxer to help. I am so tired of taking all this medication. I have told all my doctors and complained to other people to see if this is normal and everyone has told me it was just my age it happens to everyone so I need to just get over it and just deal with it - without complaining. Finally one of the PA's - the only one who would listen to me and take me seriously- referred me to a Rhuematologist. My first visit to her - she told me the same thing - in so many words and sent me home thinking I was just a wimp and a complainer. I called 3 mo. later and scheduled another visit - this time I took no meds to take away the pain and I told her how I felt and she gave me a more thorough exam plus bloodwork (to rule out other problems) and she diagnosed me with fibromyalgia - so here I am 2 yrs later finally being treated for a problem I knew was there but could not prove to anyone. I know it still won't be an easy road to travel but at least I know I am not just making this up and my doctors will take me seriously.
Well, enough of that story. I hope that my story here will help someone else who may be having the same problems I have had and not known what is wrong. Goodluck everyone. Every day is another mountain to climb but I am glad that I get the chance to climb it.
Hello Everyone,
I am still around. I haven't written much lately because I am BIPOLAR (undependable and all that). It sure does help though that if I need to clear my mind I have a place to go where I don't stand out like a sore thumb. When I write to you guys about my feelings I know that I am not scaring you because you may feel the same way or in a different way that is just as scarey as I am feeling. I love this place. Thank you everyone for being there. I am here if anyone of you need to vent your feelings. May you be strong enough each and every day through this life with mental illness - like life isn't difficult enough. Bye. Janna
I haven\'t written in my journal lately because I have been pretty stable since my meds kicked in. I am not as creative at anything when I am stable. When I am manic I think and talk to myself alot so I have alot to write about. When I am depressed I have alot of depressing thoughts to write about. When I am stable I really don\'t think much at all - that is the time that I can do the things that I love doing.
I have been doing really well at work for the last couple of weeks also. When I am up or down it is very difficult to make it at work. I do it because if I don\'t my family would suffer the consequences. I am the one who makes the money in the family. My husband works fulltime but doesn\'t make even half as much as I make working 32 hrs a week. I work Mon, Tue, Thur, and Fri 8hr shifts - I started this shift 7 yrs ago when I was working 5 days a week and lost it and ended up in the psych ward for 7 days. After the hospital stay I went through a period of 3 mo. where I would not go to work - I did not even call in - I could not get out of bed. Then when the meds kicked in and I could make it to work my boss suggested I try working the new shift that just came open Mon, Tue, off Wed ( mental health day) Thur and Friday. It has worked great for me. For the first time in my whole life I don\'t call in alot. There are times that I just can\'t get out of bed to go to work but it is manageable. I really love the idea of having that day in the middle to rest my mind. I love it. My boss is always commenting on how well I have done the last 7 yrs. My psychiatrist says I am very lucky to work for people who understand and work with me. I think so too. I work at a hospital where there are alot of employees that are also very understanding and don\'t get mad at me when I can\'t make it .Everyone I work with knows my condition and I am very open with them so they are very understanding. My supervisor put this sign on my locker above a picture of my puppy (shaped like a thought bubble) that says " Don\'t anoy the crazy person". When everything is crazy and I am calm they say " Alright Janna it\'s time to share your meds cause we need it now". They are funny and I think being open about my condition makes my life alot easier to live with.
It is 5:53pm on a Sunday afternoon and I have been in my room all day watching movies. I haven't been feeling well today - my stomach feels upset and I have heartburn like crazy.
I guess I am in a depressed mood today. I am reading this book "Manic" by Terri Chaney (she is a woman who has lived with bipolar all her life). Reading her story makes me think of things I have done in my past - not realizing those things had to do with my disease. I guess my whole way of life and everything I do is ruled by the bipolar disorder.
When I was really depressed when I was younger I would think that if I wished to die real hard I could just go to sleep and never wake up. There were many nights that I would get everything ready - a note to my family - make sure I looked nice and I would go to sleep thinking (wishing) I would never wake up again. I finally realized that that was not going to work so then I started dreaming up scenerios of my suicide( just the planning it made me feel better because I knew that there was a way to get out if I could not handle life anymore). Since the age of 24 I have not tried to kill myself. When I was 12 - 24 I used drugs and drank -alot. I would get in the car and drive crazy late at night when there were not many people on the road. It all started when I was 12 - I would get drunk and walk in traffic at night ( I would sneak out of the house). The police would take me back to my parents and they would be so upset.
The irony of it all is that now that I am 49 yrs old I have panic attacks thinking that I am going to die. I have spent thousands of dollars at the hospital getting tests done to check my heart (my dad died at 48 of a heart attack - I remember the fear in his eyes when they told him there was nothing they could do that he could die any second). He died within two weeks. I guess that is when I realized that death is final and there is nothing you can do when it comes to get you. Although I still have had my thoughts of suicide after that I don't think I tried as hard.
&nbs p; ; Goodnight
Hi, thanx everyone for reading my journal. I still don't know if I am working all this right so I just wanted everyone to know that I appreciate your comments. It helps alot knowing there are other people out there like me who understand crazy when I talk about it. I have sent friends requests but I don't think I have been doing it right. Thanx All !
PS,
It's one o'clock in the morning and I am still wide awake.
Yep, still manic. We were very busy at work today but I still managed to talked too much and inserted my foot in my mouth all day long. Have you ever noticed that when you are manic its kinda like someone slipped you a truth serum? I Told one of my fellow workers (when she offered her help to me ) that this is one of those situations where you just want to say"If you can do it better then do it your _ _ _ _ self! Can you believe that? And I laughed - she didn't act too happy about that but then she looked at me like - oh its just the crazy woman. Have you guys ever been in this situation? I sure hope I am not the only person who is dumb enough to do this. I just keep talking and tell everything that comes to my mind at the moment. I wish I would just shut up. Thanx my bipolar friends for letting me vent here. Someone please tell me dumb things you have done during mania so I don't feel so bad........ok? I look forward to hearing from you. Bye!
I am in some stage of mania right now - just started back on meds after being off for about 4 - 6 mo. ( lost count) while being sick from diverticulitis. I am on depakote and welbutrin right now. Sometimes my doctor will throw in something else for good measure. I cannot stop thinking and talking. I talked so much today that my throat was sore. I know my fellow employees were probably thinking " Wow....how does she talk that much and breath so little?" I just think of everything to talk about and I can't stop. It feels like I am about to explode. I feel like I am on an indefinate high. Then I started remembering when I was 12 ( I only thought about it - did not talk about it- some things are really better left unsaid), I used to get so filled up with thinking and wanting to say everything and do everything that I would feel like I was going to explode and I would finally just scream - my family thought I was going mad - my dad tried to beat it out of me - I guess he thought if he beat me enough I would stop being so crazy. This was in the early 70's before they started diagnosing mental disorders. Then everyone who was thought to be crazy was just that "CRAZY" and they would put them away in mental hospitals to waste away. I have been in this manic state for about a week now and cannot sleep because I am too busy thinking - AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I think like I talk - speratically ( not sure I spelled that right). Thanx for listening my fellow bipolar friends. Bye!
Hi Everyone! I am new to this site. I have never written a journal that other people read but thought it would be like having someone to talk to. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, OCD, and Borderline Personality Disorder (from having to survive bipolar all my life) at the age of 33 in 1991. I have always known that something was wrong with me - from the age of 4 I have had a difficult time just living. It became unmanageable at the age of 12. I left home and quit school when I was 14 yrs old. I just stayed with my boyfriends family - moved from family to family until we got married at the age of 15 and 16 (dumb move). My father was bipolar / borderline schizanphrenia (? spelling). We fought all the time. Left my husband at 171/2 because he was always cheating on me- we were too young to be married.Spent all my time working parttime and partying fulltime ( and fighting with my father -again - moved back in with mom & dad (bad move). Got married again at 24. My marriage was not good ( I was difficult to live with - all the mood changing, spending money, and everything else that comes with it). Had my daughter at age 29. Went back to school when she was 3mo. old because it was kind of a shock having that small baby depending on you. Went to college for 3yrs. Left hubby 7 mo before graduation. Got a job as a Radiology Tech in 1991 -graduated. I had never kept a job more than 1yr (only kept one that long). I had had so many jobs before that that I cannot even count them now. It was very difficult trying to keep people from knowing something was wrong with me. I loved my job but have always had problems with people telling me what to do. Not good when you have to work. Got married again at 36. Not a good relationship from the begining but we had a son and we are still together - he is the only one who ever tried to understand me - he is still learning alot ( but sticks in there). Now here I am. Been on medications Depakote and Welbutrin for 7 yrs now - was off of it for 6 mo because I had diverticulitis -was fine for a while but then fullblown mania stepped in and now I am trying to get back to my normal. Hope I didn't write too much. I look forward to hearing everyone elses story too. It helps to hear that other people go through the same thing. Thanx Everyone!
