Holy crap I haven't been on in a long time! I guess that after I got back home from treatment that I wouldn't need this site anymore. Part of that is true I don't need the negative people that can sometimes arise in chatrooms but I do love the support and the wonderful amazing friendships that I have made here. Some of those friendships have saved my life and others have supported it. I don't know where I would be if I wouldn't have stumbled onto this site back when I did, what I do know now is that things like this can work in their own ways and I am a grateful person for the ways it has worked out in my life. Am I cured? Hell no, but I am hopeful, loved, and supportede by my famiy here and at home.

I've been home from treatment now for 2 weeks, and it has been quite intense. I start back to work this week and I am terrified about what people there know, I left without telling very many people the reasons why, as I thought that it was only needed to be known by my Manager and HR, so now comes the million questions as to where I have been and I don't think I have any idea as to what to tell people and yes that is causing me a lot of stress. Things at home are going alright, so far I haven't felt that I am being policed by my friends and family, but that may also have to so with the fact that I haven't totally opened myself up for seeing too much of them. I just worry about what they expect from me and hoep that I don't let them down. I have to be truthful and say that I have had a slip since being home, and that thoughts of continuing to slip keep getting louder and louder. I know this is going to be a stuggle but I hope that I have got the tools and the support to fight the intensity of the volume and keep on a good track. I have made it back of track after the slip but have yet to really get on a good sleeping and eating schedule, and I know that has a lot to so with the ED thoughts running around in my head. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll wake up trying to better than the previous.

I've been home from treatment for a week now and wow it has been a challenging week. I just wanted to take the time to let my friends here know that I am back home and look forward to talking with all of you again, as I have so missed you all so much. It's weird how you stop talking to some people but wish more than ever they were there with you to help you through all the tough times. I know that none of you left me while I was away and that I'll always have your friendship and support and for that I am grateful.

I'll post a better blog when I get a few more minutes to relax and breath without family on my ass!

I've been in treatment for almost two weeks and have wanted to go back home for the same amount of time, the work is hard, and you need strength, and right now I am not sure that I have strength. I feel so broken that there isn't enough super glue in the world to put me back together again. I want recovery, I want to be happy again, but again I just don't know where to find the strength.

Two days left and not as confident or relaxed as I was yesterday, I assume that I will be less confident and relaxed tomorrow as well, and so on, but that isn't going to stop me from going. Ever have your 9 year old sister roll her eyes at you and tell you that you're so stupid for thinking that, and then not even a minute later have her tell you that she loves you so much more than the entire world? Well mine did and it brought tears to my eyes. I guess I never really thought that she was capable of grasping what was going on with me, but obviously she's not a dumb and I think she is, (quote from her mouth to my ears).  She hugged me extra hard when I was getting ready to leave her house and said with a smile on her face, "Now when you get back we can go out to eat chinese togethet like we did before this happened." I had to fight back tears not just tears for her but tears for everyone in my family, and all of my friends that I have hurt by having this eating disorder. My goal is to work hard while I am in treatment and to come back with a better outlook on my future and spend way more time with the people that I love, and that do love me for who I am no matter how messed up that may be!

But really I am stressed, and nervous about going.Things will be okay I know since a million people have told me so, but that doesn't change the way my head thinks and how much I stress about it right now. I am sure that everything will be just peachy and I'll manage just fine.  Well only two days left of the old Linz, maybe I can trade her in on a younger model too while I am out there, just kidding.

I had a therapy appointment yesterday, and I was very tense feeling before I went in just because I had a feeling that we would be talking more about food this session since it was the last thing she brought up at the last session. She asked me how I wanted to move forward with this, and that was my jump in point! The perfect oppertunity to tell her that I have made plans to go to treatment on the 18th, to my shock it was not as difficult to tell her as I had been playing it out in my head. She actually told me that she was proud of me and had a big smile on her face over the fact that I had choose to do this. Maybe I should stop playing out situations in my head because they never go the same way as I plan them out to be. Any who, the only people that I feel I need to tell that I haven't told already is Rob and Tammy and I think that it won't be as hard as I am planning for it to be either!! Well 10 days left until I leave for this trip, and I am stressing but oddly not as much as I thought I would be. I am nervous but ready as well.

"I try so hard, and get so far, but in the end it doesn't even matter...............", Yup pretty much how I am feeling right now. No matter how much I try on anything it doesn't matter, I was born a natural eff-up. Alright now that I have said that part I feel a bit better. I'm stressing out a bit but that is normal, I just have a few people left to tell about me leaving and then myabe I can stress less. However I do think that stress is one of my middle names cuz I do it so well. Started to think about packing and it's harder than I thought it would be. As I think of things I may need to take I think of things that I have taken away from myself. Things like dating, and simply hanging out with my friends and family. I'm a good packer and I have been since I was a teen. I can pack up my life and move in an instant just as well as I can pack up my feelings and move them to the back of my mind. After my grandmother died and I had to live with my Mom for the rest of the school year and the summer I basically lived out of a suitcase. I never knew if where we were at was going to be a permanent place or just a temporary one so rather than unpacking and calling it home I just stayed packed and thought of it as just a place to sleep. When I moved out after the summer and lived with my friends family I didn't really unpack either, I mean I put my clothes in the closet and dresser, and decorated my side of the room with things that were my style, but I never unpacked myself. I guess what I am saying is that I hope that I can eventually unpack and feel as though I do belong where I am at. It doesen't have to physically be here that I belong I just want the over all feeling that I belong somewhere in this life. Here is to me packing to unpack.

Ever have one of those days where you desperatly want to talk to your friends but you just don't know what to say. Today is one of those days for me. I have so much going on and I am utterly stressed and well I just want to share it all with people I trust, but I don't really want to talk. It's one of those I wish I just could pick up the phone and know that there is someone on the other side of it waiting and listening, even if I am not doing any talking. I don't think I am any more depressed than usual, just a bit more anxious and restless, I need to keep going, keep moving, keep doing something, and I don't know why I feel the need for this. It's kind of perplexing. So 3 weeks left here at home and then I am off to learn new and hopefully wonderful ways of coping with my lifes BS. I know that this is a major factor in my stress-o-meter reading off the scale, I mean it hasn't left my mind since I decided that it was a good idea anyway, literally it hasn't I even dream about it. I am kind of playing it out in my head and hoping that things do and do not go the way I have seen them so far, Yeah you can call me a nut I know it lol but I find it easier to play things out in advance so that I can be ready for anything that may arise. Just call me a good planner! Anyway I don't really have a lot to say just other than I wish I could get my mind to lay off for a bit!

What time is it? Oh yeah major freak out time! I am in freak out mode and it is killing me. Too many ideas and thoughts running through my head ( oh running, I should run today for a bit since I didn't yesterday) and I can't get one thought out without another popping in right away. I have a therapy appointment today and I am not sure I want to go, well I don't really ever want to go but the last time I went I wasn't in a good mood and it wasn't the best of times in there and this time I am sure she'll want me to be extra happy and glad to be me, but I am just here, yup again for today that is my mood, "Just Here"! I have a lot going on right now, and I am trying my best to paln for it but I am worried that I'll mess up some how and won't be able to do what I am planning. See for once what I am planning is a good thing, for me and my family, and I want it to work out no matter how scared I am about it, I really want to get this under control. My goal is to move this fall and live on my own, ( oh need to look into my moving savings account and actually put some more money in there) but I can't live on my own in a new city, let alone a new state if I can't get this ED under control.  It's freezing here and I am so ready for summer to get here yup summer I don't even care if we get a spring, I want temps in the 80's ahhhh 80 that feels so warm! Well that is about all I can come up with right now but trust me there is a lot more running in my little head and I am sure that I will write more after I get that long hot shower to warm me up! Stupid Mother Nature, why can't it just be spring, summer fall, spring, summer, fall, I know that I would miss snowboarding but I surely wouldn't miss the cold!!!!