I am feeling lost~ as this is the feeling I always identify with. My medication is working(I guess). In the hospital again with karter(the fun never ends) I don't really know my purpose a lot of times...I spend a lot of time trying to find it.
I can't believe people are fighting over religion and rules of posting and recipes and what not AGAIN- what's next politics? There is a block button- you can use it.
This song is how I feel right now
Love Yourself~Jenny
~~View My 365 Picture slider here!!~~
My doctor put me on 2.5 mg of Abilify, 200 mg of lamictal, and 2mg of Klonopin. It seems to be helping to some extent.
Not sure how I feel though. Got karter out of the hospital for about a week- he's back in again. I want some stress relief- I want to drink. I'm tired of being in this goddamn hospital every month. It screws up every single acpect of life- of my children's life- of Karter's life. I just want some peace for us all. This isn't helping my lack of faith repair itself. It's spring out side and I can't even smell it. I want to garden- do home improvement projects, take that photography class. Everything is on hold again. I fear for Karter and his sickliness. I could not bare to lose him.
About my son again- please feel free to scan over if you're sick of it.
I tried trying to make sense of things regarding my son and his issues. Now I'm to the point were I just expect the worse and hope for the best...a "glass half empty" type of philosophy. Some would say that's a really pessimisstic(??need spell check) way of looking at things, not very healthy for your son to think like that. I say walk in my/my husband's shoes- then tell me what you'd think.
10 days in the hospital with klebsiella sepsis(blood infection/ port infection) and now we are home. Karts been on IV antibiotics- two more days to go. Then the waiting game. If he starts to spike outrageous temps again- the port has gotta' come out and more antibiotics. If not -we're golden. I am trying, trying, trying to be positive...It's a hard thing to do.
Trying to outline the book I'm writing and it's proving to be more daunting than not. Have some excellent pictures though, so I'm happy about that.
This one is called chaos. If you know about my son or have seen any of the videos- this picture pretty much sums it up.
Pisses me off that I spent so much of my life wanting to not be around. Watching my son struggle to survive as he does. Wish I could take his place every day. Hope there will be a day were I won't have to be so consumed with my son's health issues, and I can say "we are having a good year" for once. I really try to have faith that I will eventually say those words. Never have I wanted anything more.
I thought for a while before posting this because I didn't want to hurt anyones feelings. So let me just say that I'm posting this because I genuinely care.
It bothers me to read certain people saying over and over again that they want to kill themselves or wish they weren't alive in post after post, every single post they write.
I know some would say "scan over it, don't read it", but it's just not in my nature to not have feelings for people who seem genuinely distressed so frequently. I feel compelled to say something, to care.
I want to say that I know how you feel because I've been there. For many years I was there. But- There comes a point were you have to play an active role in your own life in terms of feeling better, getting better, feeling better about your life.
I am certainly not perfect. I'm bi-polar and ocd. I have problems with my self-esteem, weight and sexual addiction, just to name a few things wrong with me. But I try. I am on meds and see a therapist on a regular basis. Some days are better than others.
There are mental health programs in every single community that are free or based on your income. People care- you just have to care enough about yourself to take the time to find out what you can do for yourself. There are free meds available to qualifying individuals and also most of the time you can ask for samples. There ARE ways to get help if you REALLY want it. It takes some leg work- but it's there.
The alternative is feeling the same way day after day and walking and talking in circles. I remember doing the exact same thing, It's exausting.
It can get better. Not perfect but MUCH better. Take advantage of the programs out there. Please. Love yourself- you're worth it.
"You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care. About some you will say, 'I don't choose to go there.' With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good streets." ; & nbsp; &n bsp; ~Dr. Suess
I had a dream last night that I put a copy of the book I wrote for him in my son’s casket.
It sounds morbid, but it is in my realm of reality that he will not be on this earth very much longer. Something about this fact came to fruition last night.
I’m going to document my son’s story through photos I have and will take, and writing and poetry as well.
For him, for me, for our family, for any other family that suffers...I feel compelled to do this.
Yesterday was ruff.
I could tell by Karter's crying that he was trying to tell me that something wasn't right. Then he turned a horrible pale shade and you could see every vein in his body right through his skin. It was like I was watching some kind of horror movie or something but it was my son- and I started crying immediately. We took him to the emergency room were he spiked a 105.5 temperature. We were admitted of course, and all night long I just knew that something was wrong. Today his blood test from his port came back positive for Grand Negative Rods...he has a blood infection, and it got in through his port.
It's too early to be skeptical about the port because up until now it has been a blessing. But blood infections are serious and because the port is a central line, it doesn't take long for the infection to spread throughout the body. IV fluid basically pushes the infection around and through every vein. It can be fatal if not treated.
And so we are at the Hospital again- for at least a week for hard- core antibiotics and whatever else.
At least they've found the infection and are treating it...Thank (and yes I'm saying it) GOD.
OK- second day in the hospital with Karter. he is dehydrated and has diarreah- who knows why...it's the latest puzzle to work out. HOPEFULLY home tomorrow.
I've been trying to stay positive about myself but it's not working. The other day I had a breakdown in front of my husband because the thought of my life as it is day to day- for the rest of my life made me about want to leave right then.(I'm aware that's horrible to say) A serious thought actually crossed my mind about taking myself out with pills. that's when I knew that the meds were not cutting it. I started with the abilify again. 2.5 mg- a ridiculously low dose...but I am hoping it will save me from the crazy thoughts just enough and not zone me out like the 5 and 10 mg did. I don't know. I hoping it will work- we'll see.
Quite an eventful weekend/Monday to say the least. I'm a freaking nut job. Woo hoo.
&nbs p;
what if I say I'll never surrender...
~FooFighters~PRETENDER
I was over-sexualized as a child. my father had porn magazines laying around downstairs and my uncles house (were we always visited) was the same way. Porno in the bathroom, garage full of naked lady posters- not suitable material for a child-but yet this is part of what I grew up in. I once, at the age of five- took my father's model paints and painted my vagina and my breasts. My mother found me- cleaned me up, put me in my favorite outfit, and sent me to my room to wait for my father. My father spanked me until my butt was numb. I still remember that... messed up.
I was praised for my looks. Always, always, always I have been the pretty one in the family. My sisters hated me for it, my father be-rated me with whore and slut but then praised me for it sometimes as well. Most outsiders just praised me for it. It has been very much a blessing and a curse. I have used it my entire life to help me through. I have been permiscuous. I have been immoral.
I hate myself for it.
I have been trying to explore things that have molded me as a person...this is a big one for me. I feel the need to explore it further in the future.
