hello all, sorry i havnt been about for ages, ive had alot going on. i had a therapy crisis, nearly gave it up, but i got talked in to staying with it. my life is slowly picking up , im managing to cook everynight(and wash up after) and also managing to keep the house straight(ha ha its a miricle).the weather is really starting to pick up here too so im going out nand about more. the dr also put me on mood stabilisers and i really think they are helping. also the tv isnt triggering me as much so im spending alot of time watching my faves. ive discovered csi and bionic woman!!! ive been seeing alot of my friends and getting out so much more. my sleeping pattern is still all over the place, but im learning to cope with it. anyway this is just a quick one to let you all know im ok and doing quite good at the moment...tootles imo xxxx

i havnt been sleeping well, but whats new. i went to my mums last night and we had a good time. i didnt go to therapy on thursdayi was too tired so i slept all day. i went for my blood testsin the morning and she stabbed me twice and decided my veins wernt good enough and she couldnt do it so ive got to go back next week,so that was a total waste of time. im so tired all the time , i just cant get a good nights sleep. my cat was matted cos he cant clean his left side due to hid disabilities so i had to give him a haircut and now i cant stop sneezing, not his fault bless him. my best friend is coming over today and im looking forward to seeing her. id better make the most of it because i wont see anyone else alll week. im feeling so lonely,last week i didnt see anyone atall apart from monday. i need to do something about sitting around the house all day, but im finding it so difficult to get out.my mum cooked a neck of lamb stew last night it was nice to have a home cooked meal , instead of alll the take away crap ive been eating.ive got some vegatables and pasta sauce to cook tommorow but ive got to clean the kitchen first its a health hazard out there. i will do that tommorrow during the day.any way havnt got much else to say  tootles imo xxxx

good morning journalers!! let me tell you about my night(if you wanna know) i took my meds planning an early night, i went to bed , i lay there and lay there and then i put the radio on because i was bored, there was a show on called late night love, its a disscusion show about relationships. this one was about interfereing parents. i rang in(i know i know bad move) then until the show finished at 1 am the dj kept using a clip of my phone call(you know its really wierd hearing yourself back on the radio) i gave a false name of course. i gave my name as sarah omg couldnt i of thought of somthing more exotic and exciting lol!.then a proggramme came on called back in the day when they play music from the past and i got in to that(16mg of diazepam, what 16mg of diazepam?) i guessed the year right tho!.then i tried to put my mind to sleep again, but it wasnt happening so i got up turned on the comp had a ciggie, turned of comp went back to bed and layed there wide awake until about 20 minutes ago. it is now 8am and not a wink. but im not gonna let it stop me functioning today. i hit a point at about 5 am when i thought im gonna cancell my blood test and therapy and sleep, but im not gonna im gonna go. and sleep tonight. i hope i sleep tonight, i really hope i sleep tonight.the first thing i do in the morning is check on what my american pals have written during the night and more often than not put my journal entry in. so thats what im up to now, i cant go back to bed it would be bad i would sleep all day. not sure i can deal with therapy this tired tho, but il give it a go. my cats giving me the evil eye, he must need water or food il do that in a mo. im not gonna be beaten by this no way. yesterday was good and im gonna continue in a positive way(god help me, happy happy ,joy,joy) tootles imo xxxx

my meds got delivered fine, they have put some depakote in but not the full dose but i guess they will catch up eventually. i hated trying to sort my meds out today but i more or less did it. im dealing with stress better and i rang the mothership and had a good moan at her about it.she understands she uses the same surgery and they are totally useless. im thinking of swapping surgeries to one nearer to me anyway. i caught up on my soaps, im now watching the bill(british cop show) and its boring me so i thought id come here again because i enjoy writing. and it gets everything out of my system. im going to have an early night after my second sober day. im not addicted to alcahol but i do use it to numb the pain sometimes, need to stop doing that. i have an appointment for a blood test tommorow my support worker is taking me. and then in the afternoon i have group therapy. therapy can trigger me badly sometimes so i have to watch myself tommorow. the group is really intense sometimes but i always go because i made a commitment at the beggining of treatment, and if i committ i take it seriousley. im just scared that at the end of 3 years when the therapy is over im still gonna be screwed up. if i am i know my mental health team will always be there as long as i need them, but sometimes i just want an end to it to be "normal". ive still had a good day just reflecting before i go to bed. i just gave my cat his eye drops he hates me after bless him. im not going to spend huge amounts of money i dont have in town tommorow before therapy. thats gotta stop aswell. i havnt drawn my curtains yet even tho its dark outside feels kinda sad to say goodbye to what has been such a good day. anyway meds are kicking in so i will say  goodnight to one and all

well ive got the curtains open and its a sunny day, so i thought what the heck lets let some fresh air in too yay!! i managed the corner shop, althought the machine had run outta money, but the guys down there are good and they refilled it for me, so i stood out in the sunshine while they did that(it took ages apparently they have to iron the money huh i never knew that) but they are good to me cos i spend so much friggin money down there, they know what comes out of the cash machine will end up in their pockets  lol. i actually cooked(ok i know super noodles isnt exactley cordon bleu but i did it) the dr has stopped my thorazine and im so happy........no more feeling like a zombie  yay!! (wait how many times have i said yay!) i had a bath so i no longer stink, and the world seems fresh and new, and i dont smell yay!! (ooops there i go again) had massive row with the drs surgery about getting my mood stabiliser prescribed properly but that should be done in the next  couple of days so thats not too bad, just hope my mood dosnt drop  in the mean time. still havnt got round to cleaning(boo!) but i will eventually im not gonna let it get on top of me. i rang the mothership, shes not too well she needs me to do some stuff for her so i will. i may even do some cooking on the weekend, but as for tonight its still takeout(well heck ive cooked once today!!) and anyway i have no food in and im just not quite strong enough to go to the supermarket yet. i hope this mood stabiliser works, i like it when i feel up, maybe a mood stabiliser will help me stay there the best i can. its crazy in my head sometimes my moods swing so quickly, but today has been constantley good. i dont know what happened to make today good but it is  yay!!!

i have got up a little earlier today that is a good sign. i have to go out today to the corner shop as i have no nothing ciggies, money, loo roll, food y know all the important stuff. i thought i was gonna have a bad night because the blinking pharmacy didnt deliver my meds, but i got through. they have promised i will get them today(better had no  drugs anywhere in the house) i also need to eat so i have to get money. i have become the take out queen, cant be bothered to cook. hold on just gotts get a glass of water...........i had 3 take aways yesterday. i got burgers for lunch and at the same time ordered a small pizza for dinner, anyway i ate it all in one go so i ended up ordering out again aroound ten last night, its obscene isnt it !. not gonna do that again im gonna go on a diet soon i feel well fat. i havnt been able to watch television for a while now because it keeps triggering me, but last night i managed it  yay. i watched my favourite soaps and it was good to catch up, and i didnt get triggered once(maybe its safe) i hope i can do it again tonight(daytime tv aint worth bothering with unless you have no brain  lol) i watched holby city, for all you americans out there its a soap with drs and nurses getting off with each other, and they throw in the occasional patient. i enjoyed watching that theres a poison plot going on at the mo  lol. but as for the daytime its still good old i tunes. can i make my tobbacco last til they deliver my meds if im quick i can go down the shop now cos i rang them and i know there not ready so im gonna sign of and face the big wide world(well the corner shop)  tootles imo xxxx

i want to go out, but i cant it seems impossible. im too scared off the big wide world and everything in it. im finding even the corner shop difficult now. i just want to close my curtains and hide away from the world. i function when i have to but im so effed up, even walking down the street scares me. am i so wierd that sometimes even the thought of having to open the door seems scary anyway enough of my mad rant  imo

well im not going to drink today, thats a good thing. but right now im finding it hard to think of many good things. my friend came over yesterday that was good, im gonna do a few little things round the house. not mammoth things just itsy bitsy bits. i offered to help the mothership with a spring clean because her health wont let her do alot. how funny is that i cant clean my own flat and im offering to go over there and help her with hers. so the weekend will be spent mopping and polishing at mums. ive been putting the do not disturb bit of string out for the warden, its just a pain in the butt.but its better than them coming in to my blinking bedroom at goodness knows what time of the morning. ive got to have blood drawn tommorow  ugh i hate that. my weeks are very lonely i used to cope with that infact quite enjoy the time on my own, but just recently i have been different, i feel really alone. omg the fridge door was left open all night....lucky there was nothing edible in there any way lol. its quite a nice day outside usually id go out with my camera but not today. any way the weather is so changeable at the moment id probably go out and it would thunder. its taking me ages to write this journal today, i had a curry last night and ive got a case of bengali bum lol.  oh tmi  im sorry lmao.well i suppose my life is so boring at the moment i havnt got alot to write so i will go  tootles  imoxxxxx

i got out of bed at midday, these meds are just making me sleep, but i guess alot of you know the feeling. its now nearly 2 o clock and i havnt done anything. oh mucked about on facebook for a bit. went to my mates last week and to my mums on the weekend, and other than that not much exciting is happening in my life. i had a curry last night, still eating takeout instead of cooking tut tut.but you know what i plan to keep going.even if it is slightley disfunctional. ile get used to the meds in time and feel better and start living my life again. and in the mean time stop giving myself such a hard time over it........so there  lol