it feels like it's been forever since i've been on here and journaled. over a month now i guess and almost that long since i have been out of treatment. i am doing well. i am not always positive and it's sometimes hard to find motivation within myself, but despite those things i am going through the motions and managing to keep up with my food plan.
since i have been home i have made some changes....i didn't go home. i am moved out of my families house. it has been really nice, taking the stress of family and putting it at a distance where i have more control. i have the control to speak with them when i want, see them when i want, and it is not a constant part of my life. i have also been getting amazing support which i will be forever thankful for. i can't even describe how much it truely means to me.
i also got a job today!!! getting that call today was a huge relief. i knew i NEEDED and i mean had to have a job and was of course freaking out that i would not be able to find one, that nobody would hire me, but the first job i applied for and my first interview EVER i got the job, which is at Payless. the interview was yesterday and i was not expecting to get a call this soon and i start Thursday. i had another interview today at American Eagle, which i prefer over Payless, but a job is a job. if i get called for AE i may see if it's a possibility of me working at both. it would be nice, but it doesn't really matter.....I'VE GOT A JOB!
i'd like to thank everybody for all of their comments and messages while i have been away. i've missed all you guys, just trying to get settled in back at home and get into a routine of some sort and hopefully i will be back on more often again.
love you guys,~Hailey
Treatment, the hardest thing that I have ever done. It's harder than living in my eating disorder and I am having major feels of ambivilance. I want to get better, I want recovery but it's so much more than wanting it. I deffinetly want it, but I don't know how ready I am, but when will I ever be.
I seen Pam today for the last time before I leave. I am a bit upset as I was unable to bring some things up. I am overwhelmed with things that are going on and tend to tune them out. 50 dollars later, why can't I say what I am thinking?? They are thoughts, right there in my mind, but they don't come out as words. Sometimes there are so many it's hard, but there were specific things I wanted to talk about before I left and now I don't get to. Pam is proud of me for making this choice and of course that feels good, but I try to stay tough and that's something I wanted to talk to her about. Yes I am "doing" it, but I am not as sure about it as I act. I guess I do it for my own purpose, to tell myself it's not that big of deal. Also to do the right thing. I want to seem strong and motivated, which is I think what I come acrossed as, but I'm really not. I am motivated to get better, but I don't believe in myself. I would like to say I don't think I am setting myself up for complete failure, but I feel like I am setting myself up for complete failure. I don't know if I can do it. I want it, but wanting it does not make getting there any easier. I have not been sleeping worth *, 3-4 hours last night which was still broken up and felt like I was just dozing off the whole time. Maybe some Tylonal PM can be of some help tonight. I've got a lot to do tomorrow!!! A ton of packing and tedious organizing of my lugage. Laundry, cleaning, spending time with the little sis, and possibly breathing. I need a break from life.
Feeling kinda like a bitch right now. Hmm, should I even get started?? I have noticed things here getting more and more negative as time goes on. People who are not here for recovery reasons. Go to myspace and write 60 * journals a day. Go to myspace and post your negative triggering pictures. I'm not visiting pro anything sites and if I wanted to I wouldn't be here. Chat is getting negative as well and it seems every time I go in there there is somebody, who yes I am sorry is seeking attention or wants to talk all numbers and wants to on a * buddy diet. So if you're here for pro reason please keep all that * to yourself and go somewhere else if you can't handle that.
Have a good day everyone.
-Hailey
P.S. To the friends I talk to this is obviously not geared towards you. Love you guys.
Here is a big SIGH of relief, but also the go ahead to freak out.....as if I haven't already been doing that.
That's pretty much it. Nothing horrible, nothing great. The day has been uneventful. Just a crap load of snow that has got me stuck at home. I guess it's gave me some time to relax since that has not been in my vocabulary as of recently. I took a nap which was nice. So the snow is comming down pretty good though. It's been snowing since sometime in the night and it's now 6 pm. They just said on the news that in my county there have been 97 car accidents since 4 thismorning. Everything is closing down, including malls. This is the most snow we've had in quite some time.
I'm glad that most of my post is about snow. I have had a pretty good day.
As a suggestion from a friend I am putting my moods at the top of my journal......maybe when you see scatter brained you can exit before reading the jumbled up messes of my mind lol.
MOOD: I don't know - my mind feels like a natural disaster has torn through it and I don't know where to begin the clean up. I don't even know what the mess is.
Today has been okay, doing a lot of cleaning and organizing lately. Pretty much all I have been doing as an attempt to quiet my mind, even if just a little bit. It seems to be working for the most part.
Tomorrow I have a therapist appt. I have stuff to talk about, but I'm not particularly feeling like going. I don't know why, but I just don't. It's bugging me though and I'm going to have to think about it. I guess there is at least one thing I am not really in the mood to tell her. It's one of those things where I think "oh it didn't come up so I'm not going to bring it up, or oh she didn't ask" but it's not something that comes up all the time so I'm obviously just using that as nothing more than a sorry excuse. The appt should go good though. Maybe kind of emotional, maybe not, I don't know. Some things that bother me I tend to act more angry than hurt and I end up tricking myself into thinking that's how I actually feel. I'd rather be mad than sad. Feeling sad and hurt to me is shameful, like I am weak and I don't want to let anybody make me feel that way. I know people can't control how I feel, but I can't control myself so that doesn't happen. I guess it's something I need to learn. I don't know what I need to do. I like to ignore things, but that's apparently not the ideal thing to do, but how do you deal with EVERYTHING?? I hate dealing with things and like my shove it approach. I've become a pro in the last few years. I can shove just about anything to the back of my mind and forget it's even there.
I don't know what's going on in my head right now. I write these journals in an attempt to THINK, and to sort some of these thoughts out, but in the end I forget most of what I have written and my mind is left a mess. I wish I could clean and organize it as I do my bedroom.
It's today and I'm already stressing about what I am going to eat tomorrow and what I am going to wear, what I'm going to do to my hair. I don't need to do anything special to myself and will probably wear some sort of sweat pants, or jeans and a sweatshirt, but I know I'm going to wake up in the morning and stress about it and have to try on a billion different things just to put the first outfit back on. It's a good idea to do the hair after picking out clothes for obvious reasons. I hate mornings and getting ready. My perfectionism affects so many things and detears me from doing some because of the stress and frustration of things having to be just so. There is no half-assed or a quick over in my life. It's all or nothing. Black or white. It has to be right or not at all.
I am off to do some before bed tidying up and then trying to get some sleep.
My mind still feels fuzzy and like a mess and I do not know when this is going to end. I wish it would be soon.
Interesting day today and not sure how to take it. My mom and I talked for a long time and we both got a chance to get some stuff out and let each other know how we have been thinking and feeling. Wow that sounds weird. This is a first.....in my life without it turning into an all out yelling match and argument. There were times I got frustrated or expressed things that I have been frustrated about and yeah these things make me mad, so I couldn't help but say it in a way that showed how it made/makes me feel. I guess this whole thing was a good thing, but like many other things a lot of it is a blur now, a few hours later. There are some things I am still a bit frustrated about that were said, but that is going to happen. I'm not sure what to do about those things though, naturally I just ignore it and shove it all to some corner in the back of my mind, where I suppose it will start to eat away at me. But how do I adress it?? Why do I need to??
Today I had to call in sick to work because I caught that flu that is going around my house and it seems everywhere around here. I call my boss to tell her I can't come in and she says "yeah I've got the same thing as you, soo I can't work and as a matter of fact you woke me" OH MY GOSH!!!!! She called me this last week and asked me if I could come in and turn the oven on because she was sick...she lives literally 3 or 4 minutes away and she didn't feel she could run up there quick and turn the dial on the oven yet she gets all pissy when I say I can't come in??? Sooo, the schedual got put up today and guess who was not on it.................ME!!! Yay, me! It's all good though because I had quit over a month ago and have just been helping them out, but seriously what a beotch! All because I was throwing up...I don't think throwing up and making peoples food mixes??? I'm not sure though. I'm not taking it personal because she really is a * idiot. Problem being, the cash flow has ended. Uh oh! It would be fine because I am going to be leaving soon, but I need a job when I get back. I may end up leaving again though in 60 days from when I get back and it will be hard to get a job and then leave and have to get yet another job when I come back that time. Who knows, I'll figure it out when the time comes I guess.
So I'm still stressing and trying to get a handle on myself. I have spent all day cleaning and organizing my room and folding laundry and getting things ready for when I leave. I did sleep half the day though because of being sick. Aside from the involuntary throwing up, I really felt no different that I usually do...like crap. I haven't actually had the flu in quite some time and it was weird how I really didn't feel any different, just a bit extra tired, but I got a lot accomplished today!
I think I'm ready for bed now.....I can go get into my nice clean bed, in my nice clean room.....aahhhh. lol.
Good night everyone.
Hailey
One *ty ass day after another. There were some good things to today and some bad things, but in general I just feel like crap. I don't feel much of anything because I am feeling so much. It's getting really frustrating and I am finding no way to cope with the feeling. Well I am but... I just want it all to stop. It's an everyday thing. I struggle everyday, but I used to at least make it through a day without being "bad" sometimes. My life feels like a giant * hole right now. Have I said those words before???...or do I just think them??? Like I said there were some positive things today, but I am having a really difficult time zeroing in on one. I try to look at the good things, but right now it's not working that way. My mind is taken over by everything negative and I can't seem to escape the grip. I want to sleep, but that is not on my lifes agenda......another thing that is pissing me off. I can't sleep and when I do all I do is dream. My family are the lucky ones this week...they have all come down with the stomach flu. They get snow days and get to relax. Can I get a snow day from my mind?? Again, me not so lucky. I went shopping today and saved almost 200 dollars. The thing is I really think I was having some shopaholic tendencies and now the shopping isn't even "doing it" for me. I am sitting down and I feel like I am about to pass out. I'm wondering if it's because I have touched the forbidden sugar and kept it more than usual. Maybe it's my body reacting like a person with hypoglycimia does?? I wish I had a food allergy.......I don't mean a specific one, I mean an all around allergic to "food" allergy. I think my crazy ass needs to shut up now. Maybe I'll try to get some sleep. I am hoping to make it to church tomorrow afternoon after work. That is one positive thing I would like to keep close to my heart and one that I need to remember, God loves me unconditionally and he is here to guide me through life. I need to learn how to take his hand. I haven't been to church in quite some time because of work scheduals and quite honestly just haven't went and I am feeling guilty about it. I have a hard time praying and asking anything of God when I can't even go to church. That is why I really want to go tomorrow, because I feel like I am letting God down, or not doing what I need to do. I don't know. Another positive of the day and of lately, a great friend who is always here for me and talks to me through meals and well sometimes is a pain in my butt by somehow magically making me eat more than I bargained for, but I am so thankful and appreciative. I am going to bed on that note!
Have a good night everyone.
-crazy, ranting, babbling, H A I L E Y
ps. i have decided to make my own mood section on my journal because i have a million moods and i cannot pick just one
tonights is..........
mood: scatter brained, drained, negative,...having racing thoughts, a million feelings, and therefore i really feel nothing because there is too much to feel.....same ol' same ol'
