Has anybody received their george bush stimulus money yet? I'm sick of the rumors about when we're getting it. I want some proof.

Notice I didn't capitalize his name. I don't think he deserves that much.

...it. And I'm not going to talk about it anymore on here.

Even with Risperdal and Seroquel, plus I'm taking Abilify until I taper off, it remains.

I'm in a corn field after two hours of work. Everything looks exactly the same. It's all perfectly spaced, and if I start to zone out it just seems like it's all generic. I couldn't take the hair dye aisle. All these pretty women staring at me all at once. They started moving subtly, and I had to tell the lady I couldn't do it. I'm glad she was cool with that.

I did pretty well for two days, and then they got loud again.

I'm getting used to working again. Fours hours isn't so bad. The last hour drags, but it's not as bad as the last five being hell, like my first day. I was scheduled to work four, and was asked to work 8. Never again.

I've been put on Risperdal again. I had a fair amount of success on it before. The problem was, at a high dose it affected my libido significantly, so I would stop taking it all the time. This time I'm supposed to work up to 4mg, and we'll see how it goes. I'm still taking 200mg Seroquel, quite a difference from the 1000mg I was taking. Too much risk of diabetes at that dose. Last week was absolutely horrid, but things are going better for now. The doctor had considered Clozaril in the future. Not sure I want to take the risks involved with that drug.

I got a job at Kmart. Last night was my first night, and by the end I was so frustrated, I wanted to quit. I was only supposed to work 4 hours, but she asked me to work 8. I should have said no. I hated the job after five hours, and I wanted to quit.

Tonight was a lot better. Four hours, I can handle.

Psychosis. It's a curse, but also a gift. Some thoughts are not delusions. Hallucinations are real. Your mind is real. They're not just cutting me down lately. More like they're guiding me. I know that I'm sick, because I hear and see things others do not. But I've had a moment of clarity recently, for the 110th time in my life with this disease. They are all real...but only for me. There's much more to it than madness.

This place is like myspace for the mentally ill. No personal messages. Tell me, what's the point in having "friends?" We are all friends. Well, maybe not all. But you can see my point.

I like Pink castles and Ponies.

I'm more of a ghost now, than anything.

I'm running out of all my meds.

With all that's happened to me recently, I just can't think positively. I'm losing interest in everything, and I feel like failure is the only thing in my future. I'm not sad about it, or even angry. Maybe a touch discouraged, and frustrated. But the dominant emotion lately is nothing. Feeling absolutely nothing. I've been all over the place this year, up and down, up and down, but now I guess nothing is a surprise. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, things never work out. I guess I can honestly say I'm a touch afraid. Afraid of what the rest of this year has in store for me.

I have lost interest in this site. I thank all of you who regularly comment on my journals. This place is too much like myspace, which I've also lost interest in. Nobody communicates with me on there, so I deleted almost everyone. I would have deleted my entire myspace account, but I do use the instant messenger. Nobody sends personal messages on here, so what's the point of being "friends?" I don't think I'm going to stay. I have been a part of the NAMI discussion groups for over two years. I'm baggadonuts on there. If anybody goes there already, that's cool. If not, give it a try. I post on the schizophrenia, schizoaffective, and (once in awhile) bipolar boards. That's another thing. I don't think many on here can relate to psychosis, which is what I deal with almost daily. My "friends" in real life can't begin to relate, so I don't talk about it with them. If nobody here can relate, I don't want to be a pest by talking about it.

I'll keep my account for a couple more days. If you want to, tell me goodbye. It was nice knowing you all.

I tracked the order for my amplifier, and it's about an hour an a half away from here. Maybe I'll get it later today, or early tomorrow. Yay! I'm so impatient.

I had some mild psychosis as I went to bed last night. I kept my eyes shut, and fell asleep fast.

My cd burner sucks a**. It keeps wasting cds by burning about three songs, and then spitting it out. That's just the cost of free. Somebody gave me this computer.

I've still got one or two more weeks before dumb Colorado reinstates my license. They are so slow, and it sucks. I'm so glad I don't live there anymore. I've had so much trouble there for doing nothing.

I'm such a coffee addict. Yesterday, I only (haha) had six cups. That's good for me. It's better than drinking beer all day like I used to. Or whiskey.
JessEss Thinks Stray Cats sound like country. We definitely have different taste in music. She hates my reggae.

I'm going to get back in the mode where I sleep all day again sometime. Probably if they give me a med change. That's why I want this job that is from 6-9 pm. I could totally handle it. I change my mind all the time, though. It would be hard to practice with a band during the week...impossible, actually. Unless somebody had a sound-proof space. Nobody does.

I still haven't gotten over this pneumonia. Probably because I've been too active, and keep forgetting to take my mid-day antibiotic. It's definitely less painful, but the pain still remains. I may need a refill on the Amoxacillin.