Well here I am, I made it through another day - feeling totally lost. I went back to work today, although I didn't get Cody to school and I didn't go to class. I intended on going and even drove there, but with all my stress i forgot my book bag (which reminds me I need to email my professor and give her an excuse). I have a test next week, I missed the last one and I have to pass this class to get my AA, I need to go spend some time in the math lab tomorrow and Friday. I have a meeting in the morning with my boss and other sales reps, no doubt we'll get reamed for slacking. I don't see me getting much done tomorrow either. After work Shawn has two baseball games and Sat is his party, I need to get his cake ordered and some decorations. I also need to wrap his presents. I guess you all can tell that my mind is racing.
I was talking to my best friend earlier and reminded her that last summer when I lost my job and didn't have insurance to get my meds, my moods were much better. I wonder if because I rapid cycle that the meds just make me worse because they are constantly being adjusted. I want to talk to the dr about just putting me on something for sleep and anxiety and going to counseling to learn how to deal with my stresses and deal with my disorder that way. It seems like ever since I've been back on my meds it has gotten worse and worse. I guess we'll see what the dr. says Monday.
I am sure that anyone who reads my journals must wonder if I ever have anything good to say. Well, today is definetely not the day. Sunday night I spent the night at a crisis stabilization unit due to taking to many pills, Monday was hubby's birthday and if things were rocky before Sunday they have been hell since. His self esteem is so low that he takes it personal that I am not well and not healthy. I try to tell him what he can do to take extra stress off and because he doesn't to those things, I am not happy with him. I am sorry, but if someone I love just tried to overdose I think I would be bending over backwards to help. He worked Tues and left me here alone, so today my best friend took off and came over early and took my son to school so I could sleep in since it is my last day off. We went and ate lunch and watched a movie. We have passes to Disney year round, so after we picked up my son and dropped him back off at home I asked her if we could go to Disney to get my mind off things (hubby had baseball practice with our youngest son and would be home mostly anyway). Well when we are leaving I get this call from him telling me not to come home because he has been on my Yahoo IM with an exboyfriend pretending to be me and was accussing me of cheating. That is how low his self esteem is, he thinks because I am not happy then i would cheat? I can't even hardly put up the effort to get up much less carry on an affair. He is mad because my best friend and i got into a fight when I took the pills and he thinks if she wasn't in my life then the stress would be less, so he wants me to give her and my school up. Sounds nice, right, no school or friends for me so he doesn't have to do anything extra. He says I am the one that is asking to much of him. If I would only not go to school and not have her to argue with then I would be fine.
I don't know where to go for here. We only got back togther in March after almost three years apart ( most of the time of my bipolar diagnosis) and I am begining to wonder if it was a mistake. Maybe there is just no working things out with him. I know that I can't be with someone forever who can't be willing to help me in the down times. I am so stressed now that I can't even think about it. I mean who does this to someone who was just out of the CSU for overdose, who puts this stress on someone. I could have hurt him bad tonight he made me so mad. Now I am wondering if I am the irrational one or if it is him. Is it wrong for me to expect my husband to take up some extra slack when I am "sick" or should I cut out everything in my life that causes stress to make things easier on him.
I left him a note for in the morning that "HE" needs to call his insurance and find out about coverage for marraige counseling or it is over, I can't deal with it anymore. I just feel bad for the kids, but I really can't live like this and I'm afraid of what I might do if I have to for too much longer.
I really don't feel like writing tonight, I would rather ignore the last 24 hours but I know that if I don't get all this out now, I won't do it.
I have been depressed for awhile, and went to the Dr. Friday to get my meds adjusted, which I did. But Sunday I watch Prozac nation and it must have really triggered me because it all went downhill from there. I must say if you are bipolar and you watch that movie - beware, it was too much like my life.
So late afternoon, my best friend that watched the movie with me came over to talk, she was depressed and wanted to talk. Of course, I wasnt in the mood to talk because I was feeling out of control. So we started to argue and I got mean, so I told her to leave I was going to bed. When I walked away she called me a bitch and I lost it. I walked right past my son and shoved her has hard as I could into the cabinets, I haven't had an anger episode like that in forever. My husband was home, but in the bedroom watching TV. From there it is a little blurry, but I know that I went to my purse and got my ativan and poured a handful and took them. Then I went to the bedroom crying. My friend told my husband and he made me go to the ER. From there to the Crisis Stabilization unit. I didn't get much sleep there last night and I got home before lunch today.
To me, the worst part is that today is my husbands birthday, it must be the worst for him ever. I really feel like a screw up now. I'm so stressed about the effect that all this has had on him that I don't feel like I am recovering. I am not going to go back to work until Thursday, but I have school tomorrow.
The doctor who evaluated me at the unit to determine whether or not I got to leave pissed me off royally. I was there about 1 min when he said bipolar was not my problem and that he could tell that in about 10 seconds because he was that good, that I had borderline personality disorder. Really, in less than 1 min. When I told him that my gr. grandmother, down to my son has bipolar he said, that I could have both. I didn't say what I wanted to because i wanted him to let me go home.
I can't believe that I actually did what I did, I never thought I would get the nerve, but in my anger I didn't even care. I don't know where to go from here, I've never quite felt this way. Guilty, I feel that sometimes because I know I'm hard to put up with sometimes, but real guilt for what could have happened.
Maybe a couple days rest will do me good. As far as the guilt and depression, I'm not sure. I guess I have to call my pdoc and tell him and see what he says.
I have been waiting for my Dr. appointment to hopefully make some changes to my meds. I was supposed to go Wed. but they cancelled, now I go tomorrow. I am also taking my son to his dr in the morning, to get something done about his meds. We were both up till after 4 in the morning last night. I've been in a mixed state for awhile, spending money, sexual thoughts, sleeping a lot, not wanting to go anywhere. I got my hair cut fairly short and got it colored a couple of colors. There is a guy in my class that is so cute and he has paid just a little attention to me, I have gained a lot of weight so it made me feel a little better about myself.
If anyone hear can tell me what I need to do to get on disability and can help me with my son please write me.
I haven't posted anything in awhile. I have been really busy with school and the kids. I haven't focused on how I feel or getting better because I just been going through the motions. I went through a couple days where I was hypomanic, I've not had a lot of that before. But I knew that it wouldn't last long and I'd be depressed, and as usual my moods proved me right. I had how I feel right now, so unmotivated to do anything and feeliing like crap because I have the time to do so much, but not the will power.
I hope everyone on here who reads this is okay, or at least better than me, sorry I havent been checking journals and being supportive, I've been just trying to get through the days.
It seems like it has been forever sine I have been on here and journaled anything. I guess I have been busy and distracted. Going back to school is starting to get to me, but I am hoping that with the weekend coming up and Labor day off I will be able to get ahead on some homework. The housework just continues to pile up but there isn't much I can do about that right now. I know that I can't do it all and somewhere something suffers, I just try to make sure that it isn't myself or my family. I seem to have good and bad days, which is normal. Today wasn't good, I got up and had a meeting so I went straight there and them came home. I didn't even go to my statistics class, although I needed to, I just slept through it. I did manage to get up and get my son to his pdoc appointment. That was a struggle, I really wanted to stay in bad until time for my 6:00 class. I hope that tomorrow is better. I am already tired. I guess I should take my meds and go hit the bed. I would rather stay up for awhile, but I know I need my sleep.
I hope all is well with all my friends on here.
God Bless,
Melanie
I have been trying to log on to this site as much as possible and reply to my friends, I just haven't had the strength or the willpower to write anything. I still don't "feel" like it, but I know that I need to.
Monday school started back, Shawn went to 4th and Cody to 6th, which is middle school and I enrolled him in a private school because of his bipolar and aspergers. Tuesday I started back to school, I am finishing my AA this semester while dual enrolled at a university and working on my teaching degree. If all goes well I'll be done with everything by next December.
My husband and I have been gaving a hard time due to some decisions he made a year ago with another girl while we were seperated. I am really working on letting go of issues and trying to move on, but sometimes it is so hard.
I am getting sleepy, the meds are kicking in so I'm going for now, but I'll check back soon.
God Bless you all,
The following has been my life over the last few days
At 10:15 Wenesday night I got a call from a family member that my little brother (25) was at W.H. hospital - went to the ER with blurred vision and a severe headach, at CT scan reveiled a bleed on his brain and they were transferred him.
Of course, I drop everything and drive over there, he was out of it, but I was told they were sending him to Lakeland, so I was waiting for an ambulance, but then I heard that they were "life flighting" him over. At this point fear began to come over me. Now - let me interjet a little background info at this point about the fear). We have a hereditery disorder in our family that presents with "lesions" on the brain that can bleed and cause problems, my mom is paralyzed from this.
Okay, now he is in Lakeland that night and put in CCU - I will not go on about how angry I am with the Dr. because of the lack of information he has griven us - that is for another time. EVENTUALLY, he got an MRI, Thursday morning at 8:00 and at 2:30 pm we were still waiting for results when they rushed him off for surgery on his brain. Of course we still had no "explanation" so were are frustrated and scared.
Turns out there are some lesions on his brain, near the stem I guess and they had to put a permanent shunt in and goes into his stomach and empties there and it will be permanent. Okay so that is really all I know. I finally went to sleep in the CCU waiting room some time after midnight after being up for like 36 hours (Thank you Christy for being there the whole time with me).
I have said all of this to say first and foremost to all of you who knew about this and was helping me to pray, or who was already praying for my family, I am forever grateful to you. Although he will have to deal with this shunt, God spared his life. I will forever be grateful for that.
Secondly, this is a reminder that your life or the life of those around you can change in an instant and family squabbles seem very insignificant when things like this happen. I hope that everyone that reads this thinks about their family and close friends and lets them know how important they are to them, because you never know what tomorrow holds.
It has been very hard the past few weeks, it seems the old saying is true "when it rains it pours". Those of you who follow my journal know that back in March my husband and I decided to get back together and work things out after almost three years of being seperated. All was well for March, April and May.
June was okay, but a little rough. I can say that July has been hell. Not only with my marriage but issues have came up with my 11 year old who is bipolar. The private school that I was trying to get him into rejected him - because of me, I'm not even going there right now. Thank God something else has seemed to open up and I should know next week if he will get in there, I never know with all his problems. Also, they may hold him back a grade even though he passed because they are private and his test scores were horrible. But I have decided that it may not be a bad thing since socially he is not on the level with the other kids in his class.
Back to my marraige, well my husband has never had a relationship with our 11 year old, he has always favored, the "normal" one, and of course Cody knows this and is resentful and also leaves me doing everything for him, which is physically and emotionally draining. I am also resentful, which causes problems with my husband and I. I have tried to communicate and get him to spend more time doing even little things with Cody but he has made no effort.
He also has problems handling my depression and he doesn't understand my mania at all nor did he ever try. He told me that he could handle it, I tried to explain to him before we got back together that this would never go away and he promised he could deal with it. Of course that wasn't true.
Now I open mail addressed to him and his ex live in girlfriend and find out that he is the primary signer on her car loan for $700 a month for 6 years and she hasn't paid is 5 months. They came to my house with a repo truck looking for her. He told me that her dad helped her get this car (back last July) he has had since October when we started workiing things out to tell me this and hasn't. I am so angry that I don't know what to do and can't see straight. I have always been able to trust him and now I feel like I can't trust him anymore. I know that he has a problem with lying to people he always has, but in 14 years I have never caught him lying to me. I also found out from his parent that he told them a lie about me, a stupid one. I think he has a serious problem and I told him he needs help.
The bad thing is that I dont thing he really understands why I am so upset, that this thing with the car affects both of us if he goes against his credit and that it is a trust issue. That this thing with Cody is a huge issue also.
Anyone out there who will please keep us in your prayers. I want my family together, but I am fighting really hard right now to do it.
