An elder Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them...
“A fight is going on inside me... it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.
The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.
This same fight is going on inside you and every other person, too.”
They thought about this for a minute, and then one child asked his grandfather... “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied... “The one you feed.”
I remember the day so clearly. I remember the day you walked into my life. I remember looking at my little boy sitting there in that small chair, lifeless, staring blankly into space, exhausted from the meltdown that he had, not responding to touch, the sound of my voice. You thought you had us....you thought you could come in and take over but you were wrong. Your biggest downfall was underestimating the love that my child and I have. For you see, I loved him first. From the moment of conception, the bond had been formed. You thought you could come in and take over and time and again, you have been defeated yet you still try. Through every obstacle, every meltdown, you are there, chipping away at the very essence of my child and just when you think you finally have made your way to defeating us, we rise up rebuild what you tried to destroy and so you must start over. And so when you see that you aren't getting what you want, you start chipping away at me; you overwhelm me at times with guilt, anxiety, stress, heartache and fear. You whisper to me that you are always there.You are a constant shadow in my life; always standing quietly in the background, waiting like a thief in the night to come in and steal what is mine. What you fail to realize is that I am stronger than you..... I always have been and even though I am overwhelmed at times from this daily battle with you, I will always rise up and defeat you. You can't have him..... He is mine and the love and bond that we share is indestructible. You are only a very small part of my child. You will never be able to take over; you've tried for seven years and you have failed. My child has, from the moment you came into our lives, has grown stronger, protected in the love that his father and I have for him and that he has for us. Our victories are becoming more numerous; our trials exists only for learning tools to become stronger. we are strong and united against you. YOU CANNOT WIN!!
I woke up this morning to the sound of fighting and screaming. That's nothing new in this house. But instead of jumping up and running into the middle of chaos I turned over and shut my eyes tightly. “Please God...let it stop”, I prayed silently, as I pulled the covers over my head. The yelling continued outside my door as I listened half heartedly to make sure it didn't go farther than just yelling. After about 35 minutes a door slammed and it was quiet. I decided to get up and sneak quietly to the kitchen for my coffee and toast. The kids were watching TV and hubby was outside. Like a mouse I packed away my breakfast and a yogurt for lunch and quietly sneaked back to my room. Ahhh...peace and quiet. Lock the door!!
A short time later there was a knock. “Mooooooommm...I'm hungry” “Well,”... I tell them, "theres nobody here by that name...go tell your father.” After a few seconds another knock. “I'm not coming out,” I yell through the door, “I've had enough of all your fighting day in and day out.” “TODAY IS MY DAY OFF!!”
I can't tell you some of the things dear(not) hubby said, but I refuse to answer any more. There's been lots more knocking since then, but as I said...it's my day off...and I so need me time!
More later...I think I'll take a nap.
LATER:
Ahhhhhh....it's been an ok day. I guess they finally figured it out. For today anyway. I've had enough refereeing. I'm tired of the chaos and drama. Let them work it out on their own. At least for today. I'm going to take a looooong hot bath. MMMmmmm!!!!
Feel broken down, my body aches My heart it bleeds from past mistakes Can't stop the tears, they fall like rain The words are spinning 'round my brain So scared and feeling so alone The coldness fills my every bone No food, no sleep, can't think at all Each way I turn, another wall This darkness haunts my very soul My world seems dead I've lost control The only weapon is my pen Depression has moved in again
&nbs p; ;
The blues decided to visit me yesterday...they are still around here somewhere, but I'v been giving them the dodge all morning by doing things that cheer me up. TLC is the biggest factor for me when I have blue FEELINGS. I notice when I feel blue the arthritis and bursitis is really bad too.
I don't stuff down these feelings like I used to decades ago...I used to try to be the brave little warrior princess and fight everything to the death, only problem was it was usually me that wound up dying a little bit more inside after each battle of futility.
So now I acknowledge all feelings, good and bad, and accept this is how I feel for the moment. No more denial, no more stuffing it down with the stoic 'I'm fine' B.S. It's okay to feel blue, I'm not perfect nor am I supposed to be, and it's okay to see to my needs and take care of myself...not like the old days where I always put myself last. Funny thing is, nobody has taken notice that I don't put myself last anymore except me.
So for today I'm not happy happy, today I am blue, for no particular or specific reason, I just am and that is okay, as this too shall pass
Yesterday I ended up at the mall where four years ago I had an anxiety attack that catapulted me into not being able to leave my house for two years. My youngest Tyler, had been saving money for the last two months to be able to buy a video game. We went to get it at our local store and they were sold out. The only place they had a copy left was at THIS mall. I had figured I would NEVER step foot in this place again. It was the place that something was triggered and my life as I knew it was changed forever. I mean prior to December 23,1994 I had issues with anxiety but nothing that paralyzed me. I was working, going to graduate school, and participating in my life fully. So there I stood, yesterday and 6 pm, out in front of Pembroke Mall staring at the door handle, having to step back 324 times to get out of the way of people going in and coming out. I took several breaths and opened the door. Immediately the smell of the food court hit my nostrils. A wave of cool air swept over me, giving me a chill in contrast to the muggy evening I was standing in. I stepped in and waited for the door to close behind me before taking my first step. The bustle of people were like cars zigzagging on the freeway in rush hour traffic. I closed my eyes and prayed everything into a slower more manageable motion. I stepped one step and then another. I set up targets to reach. "I will make it to the blue purse hanging at the kiosk by the shoe store" I said to myself. From there it was to the green and brown bench across from the candle store. Finally the store in question was merely yards away. I kept my visions centered on that red and black sign. My finish line. Gamestop. I entered the store and went straight to the cashier. The man from the first store had promised me they would hold the game up front u under my name. I waited in line. When I finally made it to the counter, I placed my hands on the cool glass case that housed video controllers and the newest gadgets for the newest gaming system. My arms were covered in perspiration. I remembered to breathe. "Can I help you?" He asked. "Yes, I am here to pick up a game being held for Anni ." He turned his back on me and I began praying to all the video game gods. "Please let it be here. please let it be here." Sure enough he brought out the plastic box of glory with the little post it note reading "Hold for Anni". I gave him the ten dollar bill, the two fives and the rest singles exactly equaling $64. He looked at me a little funny when I handed him the wad of money. "Hey, my ten year old has been saving for a long time for this game." He smiled and gave me the bag with the game. He then held up his finger for me to wait. I froze. He reached under the counter and pulled out a promotional key chain for this particular game. "Tell him I hope he likes the game and good job saving all that money." He smiled. I smiled. He dropped the key chain into my hand. I turned and I raced in and out of people as fast as I could. I reached the door and burst into freedom. I stopped and bent over holding myself up with my hands on my knees. I cried a little and shook a lot and then I laughed. I laughed some more and pretty much skipped to my car with the prize in my hand.
So, 2 weeks ago my kids brought home a little pup "for Mama's birrrrthday!!". I was like 'oh no- another mouth to feed.' He was just 6 weeks old - and a lady - down the street-puppies inna box - givin' em away - pleeeeezzzze Mommy!! So....yeah.... I've dealt with the training, feeding, cleaning up, poop training...etc for 2 weeks. Some present!!! But dang!! He's sooooo cute! Turns out he is a full blooded poodle! Never ever liked poodles my whole life!!! But I'm falling in love! We are still working on potty training. We are learning not to leave ANYTHING on the floors (the house is cleaner ;-)). But Goliath already sits on command. I learned a trick on teaching puppies to sit on "It's me or the dog" and it works!! He was sitting by the 4th time I said it! It's kinda cool having another baby to look after. My human ones are 15, 12 and 10.
