The title says it all. Unless you count writing crappy fiction that is never going to get published and listening to the same iTunes library over and over again...I don't really have any hobbies. Well, I have interests that I'd like to develop. I was into embroidery for a while and made some nice pillow cases (since then, they've been left on a floor under stuff and have long been stained, probably beyond repair). The problem is, hobbies cost money. I wanted to take dance lessons. $220. Go hang out at the gym and go swimming. $90. Learn a foreign language. Well, that depends. If you buy Rosetta Stone, it's like $200. Even with embroidery, you have to buy the stuff. And music, which interests me more than anything else, can cost a small fortune. The instruments are expensive (unless you buy from Craigslist and I wouldn't wish that on anyone). The sheet music can get costly depending on how quickly you go through it, unless you're like me and just pirate it off the internet.
So that leaves me with...nothing. Lol. I guess my hobby right now is to not go completely crazy. I realize now that, for my circumstance, that last status I left is wrong, the one about only relying on yourself. If you're crazy, you can't even do that much. No, if you're crazy (and I think I speak for everyone else who is, certifiably), you're at the complete mercy of everyone else. Sucks. I'm not sure what it is that's been making me go nuts this summer. Every little thing sets me off. Today it was all I could do not to send my fist through a wall when I realized my dad lost my credit card and I was ROYALLY * on paying for text books.
But I didn't punch a wall because I knew that #1, my hands are smaller and more delicate than some of the guys I've seen punching walls, and I'd probably wind up at Mount Nittany Medical Center with a broken hand and a huge medical bill (to add to the $400 I already owe them ) and #2, I'd have to pay for the damage to the wall. So I didn't do it. I'm not sure what it is, if it's the lithium that's making me manic, and therefore through-the-roof irritable, or the excessive stress I've been under this summer, or both maybe. I mean, go figure that I finally find the cheapest bipolar medication on the market, a medication I can actually afford, and it's the MOST EFFECTIVE...and instead of actually giving me peace of mind...no, I'm throwing things, crying, screaming, I've got worse road rage than I thought possible, and every time I go out somewhere, EVERYONE pisses me off and I just feel like punching the first person I see, regardless of who it is, right in the face.
When I saw the Mania Rollercoaster cartoon on RMH.com, I never really realized that mania is a rollercoaster within itself. It's not just the ups and downs between mania and depression. It's INSIDE the mania. So...one second I want to start flipping tables over, I'm so angry...and the next second I'm thinking about how I want to go out, get drunk, and dance on a bar counter.
And what makes me even angrier is that, not only am I stuck with this bullshit disorder for the rest of my life (once you're diagnosed, you're screwed, it doesn't have a cure), but I have to pop these stupid ass pills. And every time I switch medications, I get that hopefulness, that maybe this is it, this one will work and change my life. And every time it's a different kind of disappointment. This time, I realize that this disease has not only wrecked half my high school career, but it's also destroyed college for me. Every time I think of college, I'll cry. It's taken away from me what is SUPPOSED to be the "happiest years of my life." Every time I hear an adult spit that one out, I laugh. They must be a "normie" or they wouldn't say that.
Unless this IS the best I'm going to be. Unless it's only going to get worse! O_O Noooooo!!!!!
One of the worst things about this, though, is that BD is genetic, so that means that from conception, I'm just bound for a life of psychotic bullshit. And I know I need to find some stress relievers in my life, maybe a hobby that I can lose myself in, but it's hard to take that seriously when 75% of the time I want to kill someone, sometimes myself, and I just fly into a rage at any given moment. I'm like a ticking time bomb. I wish I could just be normal, not bipolar, not crazy, like the "normies", and see what it's like. Because at least they've got their minds, the ability to control their behavior, the ability to function in every day life. I could barely pass math, and it was because I was too melodramatic to cope with it.
So I'll wait and see if my doctor calls me back and we'll see what magical pill we're going to try next. Prozac, maybe, or I can pop some Xannies, OR I can take Paxil like the song!
) and #2, I'd have to pay for the damage to the wall. So I didn't do it. I'm not sure what it is, if it's the lithium that's making me manic, and therefore through-the-roof irritable, or the excessive stress I've been under this summer, or both maybe. I mean, go figure that I finally find the cheapest bipolar medication on the market, a medication I can actually afford, and it's the MOST EFFECTIVE...and instead of actually giving me peace of mind...no, I'm throwing things, crying, screaming, I've got worse road rage than I thought possible, and every time I go out somewhere, EVERYONE pisses me off and I just feel like punching the first person I see, regardless of who it is, right in the face.