lots of love to you all. life is so beautiful, it truly is

Give light xxx

Lara

Love Lara x

I'm sorry I haven't been journaling or commenting, I've been trying to juggle here, doing a very bad job too, the ballance I wanted was between work, home and my visitors that are over this week.... I kept the balls up in the air but I think my drawers fell down lol! - I'm truly exhausted..a bit 'knotty in my belly' but that will pass as time does  no sign of bipolar goblin and that is soo good  I wake feeling 'part' not 'apart'..a good sign.

I have a call to make to the electric company in a bit over a huge bill, they sent a 'snotty' letter yesterday...they'll get their money when I have it! lol - I never stress over money too much, I don't hold it too highly - I never do the lottery, I only want the basics to live..

I wish you all a peaceful, soft Tuesday

Love Lara x

It's early Sunday morning now, when I got up I opened the windows' to let the sun in , the birds are singing and there's an owl trying to join in lol! (someone should tell him he sings like a crow!) the church bells are pealing in the distance..its just so lovely...Outside the back yard (finally after four years!) I found two little pears on my pear tree, everyone had given up on it, there was laughter every time I even mentioned it (I laughed too! the man that sold it to me said it would produce fruit two years ago lol) so I'm happy about that, they are miserable looking things - but they are 'pears' hehe! Later today I will go down to the lake for a swim, that is what I love most here.

I worked very hard yesterday, cut everything that grew here, lawns, hair! the lot - crawled to bed after midnight soreboned, today I don't have as much to do - I always feel like I'm in a rush to get things ready (bipolar) just in case....I wish I didn't need everything perfect to tell me I'm 'ok' - but thats how it is, I dont mean perfect tidiness, I mean all the cleaning done ahead of time, clothes washed by the time they hit the bottom of the laundry basket! - ironing done always, sinks always clear, floors done, beds made, everyone favourite food in the house..I think it keeps my anxiety low though, it's nowhere today

There's war at work again! - several phone calls yesterday (inappropriate as I'm off) but they didn't rattle me, the two people had a huge row and both called me to vent - I really like both of them and it's comical but for the seriousness of the situation.

Have a lovely day where ever you are - hold onto the day if it happens to fall into goodness

Love Lara x

I worked all week, it was  so hard - at times I was swirling badly in my head (like an ant was coming in and out switching on and off tvs!) and focus was out of my reach at times but I managed it, I always do - the alternative is the end of my world and moving backwards instead of what I really want...to move forward  

My brother came to see me twice last week (thats who left the cherry cake, mystery finally solved lol) - I went from a woman to a little girl in seconds! - he is getting nostalgic in his maturity,  so he want's closeness, but the elephant in the room is my bipolar, he can't  have his little sister 'having that'....he had news about the rest of my siblings (especially my sister) - it was so 'engineered'! - I would have nervously laughed if I wasn't concentrating on holding my coffee cup steady! - but the reality is sad...my life cannot be with them in it...I can't be well that way...

Staying well is really what we need, spending time helping others because we are centered enough ourselves. I know I'm useless to everyone when I'm off-centre, so realising that is a good first step to health. Standing on one leg will only work for so long!  I've tried it loads of times! eventually I fell on my bum. Two legs planted firmly are way better!!

Lots and lots of love for today,

Lara x

Stay well

Love Lara x

this morning held sunshine, the first in a while, it means the last few weeks are finally over, Im very relieved, I've had to add another med but who cares  we all need stability.

all I can add is 'walk forward from today, yesterday is a whisper, gone, stay well, as well as you can, looking after yourself doesn't equate to selfish - it means that you can take care of others much healthier.

Lots of love and thanks

Lara x

Love to you all

Lara x

Today was calm again, oh how I love these precious gilded days, crystal edged, serene..there are no hobbits hopping in my tummy, my mind is clear - no racing to do a million things - no panic of any sort...it's lovely - the respite

I wondered tonight to my daughter 'would this be what it would have been like if I was born without bipolar'..I think she was hurt by the question..she mistook my asking it (I was really being rhetorical) as a form of wistful regret, I was only 'wondering' in 'honesty'.. I don't have regrets, how could I? I would have to regret her and her brothers then and they are my 'summer roses' and the thorny too at times lol! 

I had a good go at butchering the back lawn with the strimmers tonight after work too, it looks like a freshly mown field, from a Thomas Hardy book, my Robin was delighted, he was hopping around the pear tree, I hope he found sustinance, I'm sure he did hehe!

I wish you all a peaceful Tuesday,

Lots of love

Lara x

The essence of bipolar for me is like living in an ancient ruin on a hill with many, many windows, the vista from each is so different, yet the landscape outside is constant...the powerful winds that should be blowing up outside can sometimes whirl inside the walls... The constant 'shifting of the sands' of our emotions and moods is exhausting, our environment can be so unpredictable and for me that was slowly over the years turning into  'fear'..I was afraid, it seeped into my life before I could turn around..suddenly I was afraid of everything...facing bipolar wasn't easy, it still isn't, I describe it as 'her' - thats my personal way of dealing with it, I have'her' on a short leish, lol (well it makes me laugh - I see it as a small wild version of me) finding a 'wellness plan' that suits your individual needs, not one that you know in your heart you wont live  (I tried that too!) letting go of gulit, letting go of anger, and the hardest part - letting go of people who are just going to make you sick again.

Being kinder to ourself is very hard - we like to punish ourselves for the past,  there's something within that still tell's us 'it's our fault' despite all the research on bipolar...

Laughter really helps me, I love the ridiculous, I love the dire jokes at work, I love my friends, I love the rain pouring down today...again!!! (cant cut the lawn awww hehe!)

Lots of love Lara x

Love Lara x

the last few days were growing in magnitude, things were really getting on top of me, my anxiety was the same so last night I gave in and took half a vallium, the difference this morning is just amazing, this calmness is rare  my pdr is against them (come to think of it - she's against everything lol!) so I get them (seven a month) when Im in a bad way - I send her a text message, then the presc is faxed to my normal dr for collection, the whole process takes up to two days, so I usually dont bother, red tape leaves me cold! - but this calmness is a lovely feeling nonetheless!

I'm glad it's friday, there's been a lot of conflict at work, this time its a bit different than the usual- I dont ever get involved but I like the two people involved  - people are taking sides and I really dislike that. I heard both sides and I asked person 'number one' who is very outspoken and rigid in her methods of working to be careful of ostrasising and using the 'pack mentality' against person number two, (person number two is her senior but new to the post) I reminded her of how hard it was for her when she started and the need for compassion (she does have that by the bucket load underneath!) she said she will try with a load of 'buts' lol!  I hope it levels out - they are adults, they need to work together, we all need harmony and it's not a playground.

This weekend my son was supposed to be visiting his Grandfather abroad, he's devestated his dad has let him down again, it's hard to watch - he's a good man he just cannot keep a promise.  I have to finish two commissions and I won't be taking any more on this summer, my bipolar has been so volatile while work has been sitting waiting...If I could just bottle this calmness I feel today ! life would be okay!

Have a wonderful day and sorry for blathering, I just needed to write.

Love Lara x

A woman I work with has been admitted to the M Hosp, it was all over the unit when I got in today, she called one person in confidence and from what I heard now everyone knows...my heart broke for her, if I ever considered telling anyone my lips are truly sealed now. They say in all the leaflets here and in the token pc adverts that times have changed along with attitudes, well I was there on the unit today.

Well, I'm looking to the dawning of tomorrow, today humanity saddened me a little, we do live under a 'mantle' still, there is a 'fear of the unknown' about us.  I do get a giggle sometimes though doing the job I do, so the doctors and psychs don't know all! they have no idea three years ago they employed a bipolar 1 to work so closely with them caring for other bipolars (among others)

Love Lara x

Well tomorrow is a very long day, (today all our best laid plans collapsed like Murphy's law decrees lol but cest la vie!) so I'm going to bed soon, I'm reading the 'Renville Diaries' old and obscure (like me) and I'm in love with them  they are the exchange of letters between a family over the course of the second world war (my obsession) the husband was a noted poet and left her to cope with the running of Renville House Hotel - her letters are full of caustic retorts! while he relocated to the US - they were friend's of Yeats - here I go wandering again, off in the woods!!

I do love you very much, my 'fireside friends'

God bless you all for your kindness and the strength you have and above all the hands you hold out in constant friendship.

Love Lara x

The tide will change, thank you for all the support..it meant the world  more than any dr or therapist, the support here is personal and from the soul, you don't have to give it, but you do.

Thank you so much.

Lots of love and have a lovely, lovely day.

Lara x

Love Lara x

the two lads are Geminis - I'm a Piscean - where's the sea? - their like two foxes in a bag! help! ! she want's to teach him a lesson in manners and thankfulness, he thinks she needs to lighten up - they glare at each other - what beautiful eyes they have though - lol!

Friday, Morticia asked me what kept me well..I said my family, work, being a part of here, the right company and then I stalled...I seemingly forgot to mention my topomax! and that was  to her a 'primary' 'tool' in my 'toolbox' - she tutted - 'well...Lara, I'm not saying your choice is wrong...' then she rattled on about another med that I have specifically refused for years with her head to the side and a wry smile on her face - she quoted inaccurate percentages that I checked when I got home and now I feel deceived. I am beside myself with incredulity, this woman has no concept of mi. I'm just tired of them all.

Love Lara x