Please here me Lord .......please

I feel the warmth and heat of it. yet want to turn it down

why do I feel so left alone and and ready to call it quits. my mind racing to the end

noone comes near or calls the phone, only the voices are the friends

you say your true and near to me,yet homeless you shall be

you dont care a whit whats dealt to me, no suffering has it caused for you

no tears, no sorrow, or guilt for you, only laughter at my exspence

you play my feelings like a fine tuned instrument, gently strumming a melodic tune

singing a song slightly off key the words only you understand.

Pain fills my eyes, my soul slowly bleeds, as all my sorrows unleashed

my illness fills the coffers at hand, riches abound, behold

overwhelming, chocking, reality,

ME!       ALONE!    WITHOUT YOU    

Going to the chat site here I wonder where all the people come from and why they all choose this site as a way to vent. I for one come here for support, but its so easy to come here and get lost in the crowd of harassment and those who find great pleasure in hurting others and bringing down those who are smaller than themselves. I wonder if those kind of people were abused as children and need to feel empowered now by reenacting the hurt they felt on others, or if those naren thebkindn of people still living in theirn mothers basement and need to find something to do on a Saturday night??? hmmmm I vote for the latter.......

Even here on the blog the focus has changed, what once began as a blog for feelings has turned into  something less. We can turn it around if we try. or if we want to.  Back to what this site was meant to be, a place where one can find the support, and compassion one needs in a mental health website.

Perhaps I am sentimental, or perhaps crazy......ok ok I am both but at least I can admit it and not many can sooooooo I figure that is why I am spokesperson for the site RIGHT????  I want the best for all the members of this site and only we as members can make it the best,   blog your hearts out, keep it real........I know I will.

this blog used to be alot different , its alot colder here now....,,,,,be suprised if any support at all, positive or negative, probably wasted words and tears       

needed hope, and tried not to hurt

I see the boogey man.............I know he is not real and I know he isnt really there  but I promise you my mind says when I see him he is real ans he is there. Real as you or I . You can keep telling me hes not all you want but when I see him hes real.  I hear voices as well nthey tell me to do bad things to myself.   I try not to listen but its hard,,,,,, trying not to listen now...................maybe I am just crazy

 I  dont know but it makes me want to give up............

well here goes.....

My husband has told me, he feel that  my daughter (also bp) and I are holding him back from doing the things he really wants to do by being so dependent on him. He wants to  go golfing and do more things for himself than take care of us and go to our appointments and make sure we are ok all the time. He says I think he doesnt give a shit....I know he does but he doesnt realize how badly it hurts when he says its my fault that I am like this. I crumble when he says that. I feel like a 3 year old, unable to even do the smallest of things. I want to ask him .....do you know how much I love you? How much I need you? how  you alone are keeping me alive by your loving me? Does he know these things? I know living with me is hard? Hell I am Bipolar, I am simi nuts, I know this. Its not easy. Can I blame him for feeling the way he does??? I dont want too and I am trying hard not too, BUT my heart is in pieces right now and I am trying very hard not to weep and curl up and just forget I even exist,  I have to deal with this, I want to tell him all this but as of right now we are barely talking to eachother, ohhhh we speak but its usually oral sex.....F*** you.......and the like so,,,, I am just tired of fighting with the only man I have ever truley truley loved. I have loved before but not like him. I dont want to lose him over this....I need help.

dizzy

The dilema is that I know if I go into the hospital that I will be fine for a couple of days then I will revert to my " I want out of here" phase and play the " I am fine now : game to get  my self out of the hospital and all the unresolved issues and baggage I am dealing with with is still with me and made even worse because my family is once again upset with me for playing the  "I am ok" game once again, instead of finally dealing with all my inner deamons.

now I know you are thinking just go and deal with those deamons, well my friend, I wish I could just let them out, Ohhhhhhh i wish I could. I just push them down and down and bury every thing and then I try and pretend all is well its not and I know I need to face it. But how?

I am afraid,

my pdoc appointment was  something different in itself...he has told me he feels i need additional ECT treatments and an extended hospital stay , the thing is this kind of tretment is not covered 100% by our insurance and can  run up to $10,000 in bills for just the ECT. I dont know about any of you all but there isnt a money tree in my backyard. I just dont know what to do. I am looking over at my pill box....there are so many prescriptions there and.....my pdoc just wrote me another. when will this ever end???  now i am ....geodon, trazadone, wellbutrin, topomax, lyrica, synthroid, hydrocodone.....will there be more who knows? I dont...........but probably, I mean hell when you dont have an answer add another pill right???

I am trying to stay up but i am sinking very low......i am even cutting......i just need help.....anyone................

dizzy

I MISS THE WAY IT WAS........

EVEN HERE, I MISS MY FRIENDS,,,,,WHERE ARE YOU?

.

I could start off saying I grew up abused and my parents didnt love me but honestly I cant....and please forgive me to all those who were I have nothing but respect and hope  and love for you to heal and recover.

I grew up in a loving and not wealthy but comfortable home. I am a twin and the baby of the family (technically I am the older of the two of us twins). My family spoiled me and my sisters, my older, and my twin  didnt appreciate it then and my oldest, well she loves me , now my twin, she loves me I know she does......thats for later as well........

love you RED

My parents spoiled me and during the early70's and 80's when I was growing up you didnt talk about mental illness so it was brushed under the carpet when I tried to commit suicide when I was 10 and my older sister found me passed out in the bathroom, she put me in my bed and let me "sleep" off sleeping pills and muscle relaxers I took. Unfortunatley I lived to write this.  My parents didnt find out about it until many years later. I continued to have problems through jounior high and into Highschool but they were always covered up and forgotten and I was treated like I was normal and so I held it all in.    Well now I need to let it out.  This is very hard for me and I am leaving things out and skipping over parts of my life I will go back as soon as I feel stronger, this is the first time I have really tried to open up about any of these things that have been bottled up for so long that I am probably just rambling along.

I am going to jump to when I was 14 , I was in 9th grade and I met this boy named Doug,(for his and my protection I will not put his last name on here) he was the most handsome boy on the opposing football team and i fell in love immediatley..........

part 2 next

DIZZY

I WAS LOOKING AT SOME OF THE JOURNALS AND I THINK ABOUT HOW YOUNG SOME OF THE POSTERS ARE ....I WISH i COULD GO BACK AND UNDO SOME OF THE THINGS i HAVE DONE BUT I CANT AND ITS JUST ADDED TO THE MISERY IN MY HEART AND THE LONGING FOR THIS TO END. THE MORE I PRAY THE I WISH THE LONGER IT IS.

IF YOU LOOK INTO MY EYES WILL YOU SEE THE SADNESSOF MY SOUL?

I HAVE DECIDED TO THE THRILL OF PDOC AND FAMILY THAT I AM GOING TO DO A PARTIAL PROGRAM....8am to 3 pm MON- FRI  I THINK ITS WHAT I NEED I WAS JUST GOING TO GET A THERAPIST ....HELL I EVEN CALLED AND MADE AN APPOINTMENT....BUT HERE I AM AT 1:30 IN THE FRIGGIN MORNING I CANT SLEEP SOOOOO I AM GOING TO DO THIS AND GET HAPPY. THERE .........I CAN DO THIS, JUST TAKE EACH DAY 1 BREATH AT A TIME NOT RUSHING INTO THINGS AND GETTING MYSELF TANGLED IN EVERYTHING AND GETTING IT.I ALWAYS DO I KNOW AND ALL YOU WONDERFUL FRIENDS OF MINE HERE ARE SO GENEROUS I WOULDNT BE ABLE TO HAVE EVEN BEEN ABLE TO DECIDE TO GO TO THIS PARTIAL PROGRAM WITHOUT THE HELP OF YOU ALL. I KNOW HOW  MUCH OF A CYNICAL BIAAAATCH I CAN BE AND HOW AWFUL I CAN MAKE  PEOPLES LIVES SOMETIMES (WELL ALOT) 

I WORRY THOUGH  ABOUT MY BEAYUTIFUL BABY GIRL BIENG ALONE DURING THE DAY, SHE ASSURES ME THAT AT 16 SHE WILL BE FINE AND THAT SHE IS GROWN ENOUGH TO BE ALONE AND YADA YADA BUT i WORRY. SHE IS SO SWEET AND I WOULD JUST CRUMBLE IF ANYTHING WERE TO  HAPPEN. SHE IS STARTING TO LEARN HOW TO DRIVE......OH LORD HELP ME, NO JUST KIDDING SHE IS ACTUALLY DOING VERY WELL  I JUST LOVE HER LIKE CRAZY..............

I NEED TO GO TO SLEEEP  I NEVER SLEEP ANYMORE

GONNA TRY

ME

I am thinking of going into the day program at a hospital hear called Heritage Oaks. It is an excellant program and the Hospital is top notch. I have at this point in my depression even talked with my doctor and my family about going in=patient , but honestly do any of us really want to lock ourselves in for an extended stay??? I dont think so

I no I sound very sarcastic but can one blame me? I mean my choices as I deal with this ongoing depression are these, 1. look at the medication, ok, my meds are these at this point....geodon, 80mg, Topomax, 225, Wellbutrin, 300mg and my pain meds........and as you see these are not working so we either add more meds......        or we start all over with  new meds       and that is just a bitch. Dealing with side effects waiting to see if they even will work............ect.         2.Therapy.......ok I havent had a therapist in ohhhhhhhh 10 years yeah I like therapy....NOT!!!! ( ok , my pdoc has suggested I have therapy, the thing is I dont know how to talk to a therapist anymore) How do I talk to a therapist I clam up, typing on here is ok, I am not talking, I am typing, you cant see me and you cant hurt me here,......3. going into the hospital .....we all know what happens here. For those of you who havent ever gone inpatient before, well you have to take my word for it, its a choice you dont make easily.

I dont know what I am  going to do, I have to think about this, right now isnt time to deal with anything, its Sunday and around here its Football time...........I am going in my room. Noone will care, or even miss me.......

bye