http://social.realmentalhealth.com RSS/XML feeds for Journals. en-us http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=f4270981241d67e6251acf2dd3e5f403 upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=f4270981241d67e6251acf2dd3e5f403 Mon, 28 Sep 2009 04:42:31 -0500
Okay, so it's after 4:00 AM and even though I'm tired, I just can't sleep. It's pretty windy and rainy outside - there was even a tornado warning earlier but luckily the weather has calmed down a bit. I can hear Michael snoring upstairs, even with the bedroom door closed! That's part of the reason why I'm downstairs, and I guess that's part of the reason why I can't sleep! Now that we're married, we've been discussing the possibility of having a baby. Right now I am taking Lithium for my Bipolar so I would obviously have to be weened off that. I wonder, though, if there are ANY safe drugs I could be on during a pregnancy. I have a tendency to become manic (with or without drugs) and I don't want to make any more irrational decisions that I will soon regret. Also, I am concerned about postpartum. A friend of mine from high school who is also bipolar was telling me about her horrific postpartum experiences. Then again, I wonder if I am truly able to care for a newborn baby since I don't always feel stable. Michael's concern is that I'll "shut down" and be unable to care for myself or anyone else. I'll be 36 in a few months so I know my window of opportunity is closing soon. Initially Michael and I had agreed on not having any children, but lately we've been talking about it so we'll see, I guess! :)  ~Jen
]]> http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=3f989b0f0f818ae98f79381d9c1ada42 upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=3f989b0f0f818ae98f79381d9c1ada42 Thu, 10 Sep 2009 03:34:39 -0500 I just got off the phone with my friend Kelli and told her about Kristine. Kelli's advice was to tactfully ask Kristine if she wouldn't mind NOT being my maid of honor, while still inviting her to the wedding. Since the guest list doesn't need to be finalized just yet, Kelli suggested seeing how Kristine acts towards me in the coming months and if she's blowing me off/not talking to me then maybe I should reconsider inviting her. I think that's pretty good advice.

So for the past few hours I have been having pain on the right side of my chest and I notice that when I take a deep breath in, then exhale out, it hurts the worst. At the same time I am continuing to have pain in my left shoulder blade. I'm not sure if my symptoms are related, but if the pain persists in the morning, I will head straight to the doctor. I signed up for a class that starts Thursday night called Yogalates which combines Yoga with Pilates, but if I'm not up to it, I may have to cancel the class and get my money back. It's being offered through the Continuing Education program through the local high school district and I was really looking forward to it. I already dropped the Tap Dance class which would have started Wednesday night because I've been having a problem with my feet and ankles swelling at random.

Well I should probably try and get some sleep now. Hopefully this pain won't keep me up half the night! Good night to all my fellow night owls out there. :)  ~Jen]]> http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=6e57a30d42233829bb65aab0262e463b upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=6e57a30d42233829bb65aab0262e463b Wed, 09 Sep 2009 14:18:51 -0500 Last night around 11:30 PM I decided to go on facebook before I went to bed. As I scrolled down the news feed page, I came across some pictures that were posted by my friend Johnny. It was actually an album of pictures entitled Potter's Lake Labor Day 2009. As I started clicking through the pictures, my heart sank because every one of my friends was shown having a great time at my so-called best friend's parents' lake house in Wisconsin and I wasn't even invited. As I expressed my concern to Michael, he simply replied that maybe my friend Kristine just assumed I was busy since I'm now married. She could have still asked me, though, right? I'm beginning to get the feeling that Kristine really doesn't like hanging out with me anymore - despite the fact that I asked her to be my maid of honor in my wedding ceremony next August. Even as I write this, I feel rage going through me. What you need to understand is - Kristine also brought all of her friends up to her parents for the 4th of July - and only asked if I could feed her cat while she was gone. I did actually say something like, "Hey, how come you never invite me up there?" and she replied that we'd get up there sometime before the summer ends. Well guess what - Summer is officially over now. The last time I hung out with Kristine was like two weeks ago. I came over to help her clean her apartment so that she could entertain another friend of ours over the coming weekend - and of course not invite me to hang out with them. :(

I told Michael that I no longer want Kristine to be my maid of honor and quite frankly, I don't think I want her at my wedding or a part of my life anymore. Or course, if I uninvite her, then Johnny, Maggie, Mike, Tina, Michele, Dan, Renee, Amy and Baron wouldn't come either because they're all a package deal. It's not like I don't have any other friends - all of my really good girlfriends live several states away. Considering Michael and I are saving up to pay for this wedding ourselves, the shorter the guest list the better. Even though Kristine and I go way back (we've been friends since I was 16), Michael didn't get the sense that Kristine was a very caring friend when he first met her, but I always defended her. Now though, he's defending her somewhat and thinks I'm overreacting. I'm just plain fed up. This is the same group of friends who deserted me when I went off my meds right before I met Michael. Looking back, I think the ONLY reason Kristine came to visit me after I got out of the hospital was because my brother called her and asked her to - so really, she was doing it for him, not me. Ahhh, I can't wait to get my guest list and start crossing off names!!!  ~Jen]]> http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=a73d731082fabe880672f123d4b3dcfe upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=a73d731082fabe880672f123d4b3dcfe Tue, 08 Sep 2009 19:16:05 -0500 Hello everyone! I have missed you all so much. I don't know even how to begin my journal because so many things have happened since the last time I wrote - and my mood has gone from manic to depressed in a blink of an eye. Don't get me wrong - I am very happy to be married to Michael, but we're planning on having a wedding ceremony and reception next August for our family and close friends so there's a lot of pressure on me - from myself - to plan everything just right.

For some reason, I have been having a lot pain on my left shoulder blade for the past few weeks. I've been getting regular adjustments from my chiropractor as well as massages from the massage therapist at my chiropractor's office. The last massage was a 90-minute long one, but I actually didn't feel any better afterward. So, I decided to go to a free chiro consultation at the doctor's office I've been going to lately. After having 6 x-rays taken, it was determined that I have scoliosis. Yesterday I tried acupuncture for the first time, but it didn't make me feel any better. Michael fears that I will need back surgery, and I really hope I won't, but at least now I have insurance so I should definitely take advantage of having it.

I need to find a new p-doc as well as a therapist. For the sake of my SS disability, I need my doctors to be in contact with one another and hopefully agree with each other. The p-doc that I'm seeing now doesn't seem too concerned about me and I'm not too impressed with him. My ultimate goal is to manage my bipolar without the use of meds - especially since Michael and I have been talking about wanting to have a baby sometime in the future...  ~Jen]]> http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=46ee2a36b86b9de6d43d6e7a6774889a upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=46ee2a36b86b9de6d43d6e7a6774889a Wed, 26 Aug 2009 09:26:02 -0500 Hi Everyone! I'm sorry for not being on here lately, but my life has been just as whirlwind as my wedding these past two weeks. Michael started school this week and he's a nervous wreck because the superintendent and principal were abruptly fired last year and have been replaced with some tough individuals from the west side of Chicago who are looking to shake things up. He's already worried about not having a job for the following school year, but I told him to take a deep breath and relax and then reminded him how he was re-hired this year after having been pink-slipped. I never realized I was marrying such a worry wort! ;)

Below is a picture taken of us on our wedding day, August 15th. We dined at The Cheesecake Factory and everything was delicious! The picture is a little grainy because it was taken on a cell phone and the lighting was a bit dim. I did my best to brighten the image in Photoshop. I hope you're all doing well and I will try my best to check back in here later this week. Take care!  ~Jen


]]> http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=8f831227b0eb6c6d09a0555531365933 upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=8f831227b0eb6c6d09a0555531365933 Sat, 15 Aug 2009 09:44:34 -0500
There is so much going on in my life right now. The other day, Michael asked me if I wanted to marry him. I said "Sure!" We're getting married today at 12:30 pm. We're going to have a "short and sweet" ceremony performed by a wedding officiant in a nature preserve near our house. The only guests attending will be my mom and his parents. His sister and brother-in-law can't make it because they will be celebrating their 10-year anniversary. (I had no idea we picked the same wedding day as theirs.)  Afterward we will all dine together at The Cheesecake Factory.YUM!!! :)

Yesterday we had lots of running around to do. The first thing was purchasing our matching wedding bands. I let Michael know that I wasn't interested in having a separate diamond engagement ring or anything. Not only because we really can't afford it, but because I really don't wear jewelry much anymore so a simple wedding band would be just fine. (Besides, I don't need any of my stuck-up Facebook friends trying to compare their "rock" to mine - right, Ann? LOL!) We bought matching white gold bands for $368 total. Mine is about a half size too big, but I have 90 days to bring it back for a free sizing. At least it's not so big that it could slip off - it's just a little loose. (Which is fine because sometimes my knuckles get a bit swollen.)

I went to Carsons on Friday to start searching for a dress. My mom had bought me a dress a few months back from there, but I really didn't like it and since the tags were on and I had the receipt I decided to exchange it. Now under normal circumstances, I have an extremely hard time finding dresses in my size that I like and that I look good in as well as that cover my tattoo on my chest completely. Well guess what? I found 4 different dresses that I liked in my size and when I tried them on, they all fit and looked good on me. It's like the fitting room gods had answered my prayers!! LOL! But wait, you haven't heard the best part. I decided to buy all the dresses even though I only needed one for the ceremony. Several of the dresses retailed for $100, but apparently they were on super clearance because they rang up at $15, $9.90, $9.00 and $8.00! Can you believe it? I am so stoked about that especially since I know I'll get a lot of wear out of what I purchased. The dress for the wedding is so pretty with multi-colored flowers on it. It's probably left over from the Spring collection actually and it will be perfect for me to wear next Easter.

Oh my gosh, I have so much more to tell, but I'm getting married in less than 4 hours and I really need to get ready. In 20 minutes, I'm getting my eye make-up done at Ulta (a cosmetics store with salon) because I have no idea how to properly apply eye liner and shadow. I had an impromptu make-over at the store yesterday and I looked like a completely different - much hotter-looking person! I can do the rest of my make-up, but I'm going to leave my eyes to the experts.

I hope everyone is having a nice weekend! :) I'll try to get back here as soon as I can, but please forgive me if it's a few days. I love you all!   ~Jen


]]> http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=8ef24c84a164dbd96a8a66b26ddd4570 upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=8ef24c84a164dbd96a8a66b26ddd4570 Tue, 11 Aug 2009 06:44:24 -0500 Hello everyone! :) I had fully intended to write my journal yesterday, but I never took into consideration how busy I was going to be. I unpacked all our luggage, washed 3 loads of laundry and went to Target to buy some necessities like more laundry detergent and bottled water (Lake Michigan tap water is yucky!) Plus, I spent 3 hours at the doctors office. Remember the allergic reaction I had to Tegretol? (I had a full-body rash and swollen feet.) Well after being on a steroid for 10 days, all my ailments subsided. Well the night before we left for Maryland, Michael noticed my ankles looked a little puffy. I brushed it off as "nothing" but after we got on the road to Baltimore, my ankles WERE swelling up. By the time we finally arrived, we had to ice my ankles and keep my feet elevated. I took an Epsom salt bath but that didn't have much effect. Anyway, when we got home yesterday, the swelling was affecting both legs from my ankles all the way up to my knees. I gave a urine sample at the doctors and they analyzed it within a few minutes. I had protein in the sample which could indicate kidney disease. The blood work results will be back today so the doctor will be able to further analyze my condition. In the meantime, she prescribed over-the-knee compression socks for me to wear. When I dropped off the script at Target, they said they'd have to order them since they normally don't keep those on hand. So, while I wait for those, I'm wearing a pair of travel knee socks. They're quite compressing but they don't go all the way over my knees - but at least it's something, right? I am able to walk around much more easily which is a relief! :)  ~Jen]]> http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=071141fef2fa1e6caca573d7d3819871 upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=071141fef2fa1e6caca573d7d3819871 Mon, 10 Aug 2009 00:32:37 -0500 http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=42a33d4150a53ec0160e9cad6f13b923 upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=42a33d4150a53ec0160e9cad6f13b923 Wed, 05 Aug 2009 16:04:24 -0500
Hello everyone! Later on tonight my mom, Michael and I are driving to Baltimore to visit with my grandparents who will be celebrating their 70th wedding anniversary on Friday. It's roughly a 13 hour drive from here (Chicago) and we're planning on taking turns driving so that we can drive straight through. On Saturday, Michael will be having a birthday and he's looking forward to having fresh Maryland crab for dinner. We're also planning on spending a day in Washington, D.C. and he really wants to visit the Library of Congress. My aunt (my mom's sister) and uncle live out in the country in Maryland on a farm and they will be having a small get together on Sunday in honor of my grandparents. My cousin, her husband and 2 daughters are going to drive from Pennsylvania to be there. My other cousin and his daughter will be there too. So, it should be nice seeing all my mom's side of the family again. :)

Unfortunately, I won't have internet access while I'm gone and I'm going to miss you guys!!! As soon as I get back in town sometime on Monday, I will log on here. Take care, everyone!  ~Jen]]> http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=bfeab61d25b5d7788df27385bec16eb9 upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=bfeab61d25b5d7788df27385bec16eb9 Mon, 03 Aug 2009 02:28:33 -0500 I had a good day. The highlight was going to Petsmart with Michael and buying a custom tag, collar and leash for my cat Harley, as well as a small fish bowl to bring home our new Betta fish. My cats Harley and Marley are indoor cats, though Harley loves to go outside and eat grass whenever he can. Yesterday, when Michael was coming through the front door, Harley slipped out outside without him knowing. I was in the shower at the time so I had no idea he had taken off. Thankfully we realized he was missing before Michael and I had gone out for the evening. Michael shook the cats' catnip container and apparently Harley could hear it from outside. He came running up to the door and we let him in. So, from now on, Harley has to wear a collar with his i.d. tag. It even has a small bell on it. He's not too happy about wearing it, but it's for his own good if he gets out again. Besides, he's front declawed so he's no match for any other animals he might encounter.

So I took Harley outside for his first "walk" on the leash. It was pretty amusing - nothing like walking a dog! Basically I just trailed behind him as he stopped to roll around on the sidewalk, sniff stuff, eat lots of grass, and randomly gaze over in the direction of some barking dogs in the distance. When it was time to come in, I just scooped him up in my arms and brought him inside. He was happy to have the leash off because I think it freaked him out a bit to be "attached" to something. Meanwhile, he's still wearing the collar and whenever he's moving around, that bell lets us know where he is! Marley seems a bit perplexed as to why his brother is making so much noise. We decided not to get Marley a collar and tag because he's afraid of going outside, so we figured why bother?

The Betta fish is swimming around the bowl which we placed on the coffee table. Michael thought the cats would get a kick out of watching a fish. As it turns out, they lost interest after about 3 minutes! LOL :) Oh well, I enjoy watching it swim around.  ~Jen
]]> http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=0121fc02bb750488e774fff937545734 upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=0121fc02bb750488e774fff937545734 Sun, 02 Aug 2009 01:01:00 -0500 I have spent the past 2 hours reading journals and commenting on as many of them as I could. Now it's my turn to write a journal! :)

Let's see, yesterday Michael and I rode the train down to the city (Chicago) on a whim. A friend of mine from high school was having a reception at an art gallery for some works of art he had created. I had casually mentioned to Michael about the show a few weeks prior, but I really didn't expect him to want to go. So I was pleased to hear him suggest that we do!

The show was great! I got to see my artist friend as well as some other guys I went to high school with. Michael and I hung out at the gallery for about 45 minutes, then decided to find a restaurant nearby and have dinner. We only had to walk about 2 blocks before there were 4 different places to eat. We decided on an Italian restaurant called Vivo. We had the most wonderful, albeit, expensive dinner we have ever had together!!! Michael said he could justify it because "we deserved it after all we've been through together." Awww!! I guess he DOES know how to turn on the charm when he has to! :)

So 2.5 hours later (long dinner, eh?), we left Vivo and made our way back to the train station. The sky was pitch black and the night air felt SO good. There's a saying here in the summer that it's always "cooler by the Lake" (Lake Michigan) and that's for sure. I couldn't believe what an amazing night it turned out to be. By the way, Dave, I followed your advice and told Michael how much he means to me and gave him a big hug before we left for the art gallery. Maybe that small gesture on my part was all that was needed to make things right with us. :)

Well, I'm off to bed. I like to go to church tomorrow morning. Goodnight everyone!!  ~Jen
]]> http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=13941bddb1399810f387f38dc7c775f0 upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=13941bddb1399810f387f38dc7c775f0 Fri, 31 Jul 2009 11:50:59 -0500 I want to thank everyone for all your wonderful comments on my journals. I have read all your journals today, but I only commented on them in my head. Please know that even if I don't always comment, you are always on my mind. :)

I have crashed down so hard from the mania. I'm on the verge of tears and I really feel I may just lose it at any moment. I feel so sad, so small, so insignificant. Before I went to bed last night (around 2:00 am) Michael gave me a Klonopin, rather than a Risperdal - even though I was clearly manic and not anxious. I was really, really giddy and continued my cleaning and organizing spree for the next two hours. Around 4:00 am, I finally started getting sleepy. I think around 4:30 am I turned off the TV and tried my best to sleep. I remember feeling kind of shaky and a sense of sadness washed over me. Around 6:00 am, I got up to use the bathroom and when Michael groggily asked me where I was going, I sharply replied that "I need to PEE!!" As soon as the words left my mouth, I was horrified at how mean I sounded. I decided I should go downstairs and sleep on the couch for the rest of the morning.

I had set my alarm for 11:00 am to take my Synthroid (for hypothyroidism due to taking Lithium), but I actually woke up about 10 minutes before it was going to go off. Synthroid is supposed to be taken in the morning on an empty stomach with a full glass of water. My p-doc recommended I wait one hour before I eat so that the Synthroid is absorbed properly. So, I took my med and now I have to wait about 30 minutes until I eat something, plus I need to take my Lithium and steroid med I'm still taking for my allergic reaction. It kinda works out actually, because Lithium needs to be taken with food.

Well, since my energy is pretty sapped, I guess the most I'm looking to accomplish today is taking my meds and eating, taking a shower and then heading to my chiro appointment this afternoon. Here's to hoping tomorrow will be a better day! :)  ~Jen]]> http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=861fc05a34bf88b3c689a89ef8f34384 upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=861fc05a34bf88b3c689a89ef8f34384 Thu, 30 Jul 2009 18:53:26 -0500 After I posted my last journal, I called my chiropractor to make an appointment. I will be having an adjustment tomorrow at 3:45 PM. I didn't know what to do with myself today, so I decided to just do everything. So far I've done three loads of laundry, changed the cat box, vacuumed the upstairs, made the bed, completely re-organized the entire bedroom including the closet, ran a load of dishes in the dishwasher, swept the kitchen floor and even dusted. I have done more in the past 5 hours than I have done in the last few months!! Ah, mania at its finest...  ~Jen]]> http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=1bc60bcdf112703a1b854c14327c301d upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=1bc60bcdf112703a1b854c14327c301d Thu, 30 Jul 2009 11:26:44 -0500 I had some pretty crazy dreams last night after having taken the Risperdal. I usually only take one if I'm really manic and it's the ONLY way to turn me off for awhile. Since I was only slightly manic, maybe I should have just taken a Klonopin instead (which I normally take for anxiety attacks.) Anyway, about 8 hours after falling asleep, I was awakened by the sound of the doorbell. I kinda freaked out at first because I was a bit disorientated and couldn't imagine who was at my door. I reluctantly opened the door and it turned out to be one of my neighbors who does contract work for the home owners association. He announced he would be painting the exterior of our townhouse unit today and he glanced over at Michael's car in the driveway and asked me to please move it. He didn't want to accidentally get paint on his car. So Michael got up and moved it into the street. He was pretty grumpy and reminded me that he still didn't feel well, so he's gone back to bed. I was really hoping to get more sleep than I did, but I'm awake now so I guess I'll try to do something productive like finishing the laundry and changing the cat box. I think I may try to get in to see the chiropractor today as well because I haven't been there for a few weeks and I always feel good after a proper adjustment. My chiro totally understands my financial situation/lack of insurance and only charges me $15 per visit, rather than $35. Okay, well I'm off to make an appointment! :)  ~Jen]]> http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=bae4f11996f82f08ae1800943df99925 upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=bae4f11996f82f08ae1800943df99925 Thu, 30 Jul 2009 02:16:44 -0500 I popped a Risperdal about 30 minutes ago in hopes of actually falling asleep before the sun rises. I am slightly manic and I'm having a hard time turning off my mind, despite being physically exhausted. It has cooled off here and I'll be able to sleep with the windows open which I'm looking forward to because there's a nice breeze. My cats enjoy having the windows open as well. From time to time, their stray feline friends wander over here for a visit. Well believe it or not, I think the Risperdal is taking effect. Good night everyone!! :)  ~Jen]]> http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=b9df039a53bee7e42906016fbf7cd441 upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=b9df039a53bee7e42906016fbf7cd441 Wed, 29 Jul 2009 06:25:46 -0500 Legoland was really cool, but I'm so tired (still haven't gone to bed yet) and I'm having a hard time uploading my pictures. I was able to do it for a previous journal, but perhaps I need to just get some sleep and try again later! See you when I wake up, everybody.  ~Jen

]]> http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=4d58faf697d47b2ab9908dd1353ac190 upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=4d58faf697d47b2ab9908dd1353ac190 Mon, 27 Jul 2009 23:21:29 -0500 Today I went back to the Immediate Care doctor for a follow-up visit so she could clear me to take Lithium again. The medications that she prescribed last Friday worked like a charm. My from-the-neck-down allergic reaction rash to Tegretol has gone away and most all of the swelling in my feet is gone. Hey, I can actually walk again - with shoes on!! :) I am so happy about that. I ended up missing a family party on Saturday and a friend's daughter's 2nd birthday party on Sunday due to my condition. But now that I'm all better, I get to go to the Legoland Discovery Center tomorrow with Michael. We're meeting his sister and her toddler son (the same little guy we took to the zoo.) His sister has discount tickets to get in which is great because the normal cost of admission is $19 for adults! I think her tickets are for $5 each - that's more like it. :) I'm really looking forward to it because I always loved playing with Legos as a child. It'll be fun to see how Michael's nephew reacts when we're there. Well not much else is going on with me. I just wanted to share my good news that I'm healing just fine - and oh yeah, I'll never be taking Tegretol again!  ~Jen]]> http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=7c9ff93b39d7912d9535aa6bbd83bad5 upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=7c9ff93b39d7912d9535aa6bbd83bad5 Sun, 26 Jul 2009 01:42:43 -0500 Thanks for the comments on my last journal! I just got back from Arizona and I am currently having one of the worst allergic reactions ever! About three weeks ago I started taking Tegretol in place of Lamictal. While I was out west, I started experiencing weird symptoms like swollen feet and ankles as well as a puffy face and eyelids. Then a few days later I broke out in what I thought were hives. As it turns out, being in all that Arizona sun (plus 113 degree heat) caused a severe reaction with my Tegretol. This past Friday, I saw a new p-doc and she was very concerned about me. She ordered me to stop taking ALL my meds immediately and go see a medical doctor ASAP. Michael took me to an Immediate Care doctors office and the doctor I saw told me I didn't have hives, but a rash. It's from my neck down and she was a little baffled why it didn't affect my face. Anyway, my ankles and feet were even more swollen and so she agreed I should stay off my meds and take the ones she was prescribing instead -  Bethamethasone cream and Prednisolone liquid which are both corticosteroids. Since steroids are stimulants, and I have gone off my meds abruptly, I am a walking manic attack waiting to happen! Michael is VERY concerned, especially since he met me when I was manic a year and a half ago. He can understand discontinuing the Tegretol, but not the Lithium too. I have been taking Lithium for over a year now and have been very stable on it and have never had any reactions to it. However, as I said, I saw a new p-doc because the budget was cut where I receive free mental health care by 40% and my old p-doc was cut as well. They can no longer accept non-paying patients which means I had to pay $43.75 for a 15 minute visit with the new p-doc. That doctor is actually leaving too in a few weeks, so basically the next time I go I will see yet another doctor. Everything is messed up!! I really liked my old p-doc - I had her since April 2008 and she's the one who encouraged me to apply for disability. And, thanks to her and my lawyers, I am now receiving benefits. Oh, and of course I had to pay to see the doctor at Immediate Care. It cost me $110! Plus the meds cost over $80 altogether. Thank goodness I have my SSDI now! I had plans this weekend but I've had to cancel everything because my feet and ankles are still so swollen and I can barely walk. :( Thankfully the rash seems to be subsiding, but I still feel very itchy and of course I'm not supposed to be scratching (even though I think I have in my sleep.) I was up until 5am yesterday and I totally had a panic attack when I couldn't feel my feet. I looked down at them and my toes were curling over. It felt like my feet were gonna explode so I hobbled upstairs as fast as I could and burst into the bedroom crying hysterically which of course scared the crap out of Michael. He couldn't calm me down and I became even more worked up which then led him to run to the bathroom and start throwing up!! I freaked out even more seeing my support person just lose it. After awhile he calmed down then grabbed a Clonopin for me since I was still hysterical. Within about 15 minutes, it kicked in and I settled down. His initial reaction was to call 9-1-1 when I first came upstairs but I screamed and begged and pleaded for him not to. I don't have insurance and I knew there was NO way I could pay for it. I just wanted him to reassure me that my feet weren't going to explode. Looking back, it was one of the most tense, dramatic exchanges Michael and I have ever had. I just hope I get better SOON so that I can take my Lithium again!!!  ~Jen]]> http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=65b036a5f70f63cd5d6d3bf83707b6b9 upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=65b036a5f70f63cd5d6d3bf83707b6b9 Sat, 25 Jul 2009 04:39:27 -0500 Does anyone know what happened to Kate? I haven't been on here in nearly 2 weeks, but I was expecting to see some journal entries from her. Instead, she is no longer on my friends list and I can't seem to find any of her journal entries. I am very concerned about her and Susan. :(  ~Jen]]> http://social.realmentalhealth.com/public_journal.php?d=318558312bd0ee119b969167815a9a6a upside-down http://social.realmentalhealth.com/journals/readmsg.php?jid=318558312bd0ee119b969167815a9a6a Sun, 12 Jul 2009 23:22:08 -0500 I wish I had never gone to the zoo! Aside from the sunburn on my arms (even though I DID apply sunblock), I now have a fever, sore throat, swollen glands and I'm sleeping all day long. :(  I leave for my trip in 4 days to see my dad and brother, but if I have to cancel because I'm still sick, I'm gonna go ballistic!!!  ~Jen]]>