I am currently 40 y/o and was diagnosed at aged 27.  About a year before this I was seen by a family physician for a flu-like illness, which came with hideous headache.  Weeks later, after many similar headaches, I followed up with this doc.  He stated the illness had probably been a sub-clinical menengitis.  The migraines have remained.  Then a year later a full manic episode and BP diagnosis.

   To be fair, I had been treated for situational depression three years prior, after the death of my 3 month old son Trevor, due to SIDS.  Treatment lasted 1 1/2 years with SSRI's and therapy.

  I thank anyone that can contribute information to me in advance

   "End of winter was supposed to help things," she thought angrily, looking out her dirty livingroom blinds at the sunny sky.  She was confused and depressed.  Her hair was limp and sticking to her head because she hadn't washed it in four days.  And this precisely matched the amount of time she'd been wearing that ratty old Kansas tee shirt and blue scrub pants.  Jules didn't care about any of that right now.  She was just silently crying out at the injustice of this illness she was stuck with.  

   "How is it that most years, the sun dries the frost and we all either improve, or wind up manic, and here I sit, after following the goddamn rules and swallowing a handful of pills every day like a perfect faithful patient;  and I still feel like I'm down in Alice's rabbit hole?"

   "It's just not fair!!" she accidently blurts outloud, to no one but the dog.   Jules feels the tears start to well up and becomes more angry.  Will this mean another month inside the house? 

   She would really like to blame this on her beloved shrink of twelve years, but she can't.  He's been diligently working with her over past months; slowly take a med away which doesn't help, wait a bit, slowly add a promising med that could help.  It has brought a tiny bit of daylight through, raised her mood an inch.  That was two months ago and Jules hoped when she explained how it helped but only an inch, Shrink would know what to do.

   As Jules considers how she feels this late into the sunny season, she fears perhaps shes put Shrink on a pedastal a tad too high. 

   "It's time to chop that thing down then.  I've got to see him eye to eye or I'll never feel the sun on my face,"  she glanced thoughtfully to the window again and picked up her phone.

...   .... ... ..... ..."Yes, This is Julia ------------- calling for Dr------; if you could tell him it's very important.  Yes, I'll hold."

   I tell myself my family IS understanding and knows me well enough to know I am sick when I say I'm sick.  But guilt is the gift that keeps on giving where i was raised unfortunately.  It's easier to believe to when weakened by pain and illness.  I need a positive mantra for when I'm sick to silently chant.

   Thanks for listening to me gripe!

   I read a lot about this disease.  I read about it every single day somehow.  Online, my books, psych journals.  I've always calmed myself about a fear by knowing it inside and out.  Well, it doesn't work with bipolar disorder or any other illness.  My therapist told me that doing that is called "intellectualizing your disease".  She said it was good to be well informed but reading it to death wouldn't cure it.  And I know that but i keep right on buying books and reading onlines studies.

   I purposely missed my appt with my shrink today.  I instead took 400 mg of seroquel (leftover, i'm not on it anymore) and forced myself to sleep all day so that i wouldn't have to be awake and thinking.  Now, a couple of years ago this would be no big deal.  I mistook meds all the time for my own purposes.  But, NOW; this just isn't the kind of behaviors i do.  I am kind of freaking thinking I am coming closer and closer to going into the hospital again.  I just cannot deal with the thought of that. 

   Tommorow is a new day.  I wlll call my shrink and try to get in and maybe spring will finally start to have that great effect on me it usually does.  Wait and pray I guess.